More frequently, recently
my girlfriends have seemingly mentioned in passing
that I may be a commitment phobe
They do this most often when I've recounted the reasons
as to why the latest could-have-been relationship
simply could not
They mention it in a flippant manner
because it does seem to be a sensitive subject
they mention it, I deny it
we move on
but somehow we always u-turn back (or rather I do)
Where I grudgingly say, "Okay, maybe I am, slightly"
and they say "Okay, just slightly la haaa"
Then they pat me on the back for my state of quasi-admittedness
So maybe I do bolt, when things seem like they could get
a little serious
yes, I'm not ready, yes I'm scared
and why start something I can't finish?
And I rationalise all this, I tell myself I scare because the
probability of a proper future is low
with said individual
and if it were otherwise I might actually risk it
On the flip-side I ask myself whatever happened
to testing waters, cos you never know
who am I to deign to foresee the future anyway?
But then again doesn't the fact that I try to actually get-to-know some people
count for anything?
Here is the girl who stands in the corner when
strange men join our table because
she doesn't want to be chatted up
here is the girl who tells her friends to please
tell the men she's gay because
she just doesn't want to deal with it
Sometimes I just wonder
am I saving myself or holding myself back?
Who the fuck knows.
I'm in this pensive state, it's nearly 5 am
and it sucks.
You see, I am normally okay
but time seems to be running out
because I am to go far away
and as time flies towards that of take-off
my need for someone to hug
just grows and grows.
Is it loneliness or hormones?
I love my alone-time
but sometimes I just wish there was another warm body
curved against my back, spooning me
sometimes I just wish that when I wake up
my legs are tangled with that of another
my hand clasped in a masculine palm
sometimes
I'll tell you when this started, because I do know
exactly when
Normally I sleep sprawled across my double bed (Henry)
he is mine and mine alone
but one day, I woke up
and as I remade the bed, I noticed
that the other side was
completely untouched
pillows still neatly stacked
and that was precisely when it began
this thing gnawing away at my insides
well, it's either that or it started when The Other Ng
started feeding me this bullcrap about
it being so hard to be alone.
my girlfriends have seemingly mentioned in passing
that I may be a commitment phobe
They do this most often when I've recounted the reasons
as to why the latest could-have-been relationship
simply could not
They mention it in a flippant manner
because it does seem to be a sensitive subject
they mention it, I deny it
we move on
but somehow we always u-turn back (or rather I do)
Where I grudgingly say, "Okay, maybe I am, slightly"
and they say "Okay, just slightly la haaa"
Then they pat me on the back for my state of quasi-admittedness
So maybe I do bolt, when things seem like they could get
a little serious
yes, I'm not ready, yes I'm scared
and why start something I can't finish?
And I rationalise all this, I tell myself I scare because the
probability of a proper future is low
with said individual
and if it were otherwise I might actually risk it
On the flip-side I ask myself whatever happened
to testing waters, cos you never know
who am I to deign to foresee the future anyway?
But then again doesn't the fact that I try to actually get-to-know some people
count for anything?
Here is the girl who stands in the corner when
strange men join our table because
she doesn't want to be chatted up
here is the girl who tells her friends to please
tell the men she's gay because
she just doesn't want to deal with it
Sometimes I just wonder
am I saving myself or holding myself back?
Who the fuck knows.
I'm in this pensive state, it's nearly 5 am
and it sucks.
You see, I am normally okay
but time seems to be running out
because I am to go far away
and as time flies towards that of take-off
my need for someone to hug
just grows and grows.
Is it loneliness or hormones?
I love my alone-time
but sometimes I just wish there was another warm body
curved against my back, spooning me
sometimes I just wish that when I wake up
my legs are tangled with that of another
my hand clasped in a masculine palm
sometimes
I'll tell you when this started, because I do know
exactly when
Normally I sleep sprawled across my double bed (Henry)
he is mine and mine alone
but one day, I woke up
and as I remade the bed, I noticed
that the other side was
completely untouched
pillows still neatly stacked
and that was precisely when it began
this thing gnawing away at my insides
well, it's either that or it started when The Other Ng
started feeding me this bullcrap about
it being so hard to be alone.
12 comments:
u know i used to be just like that....4 years single...i had great fun and i din want no relationships coming along and complicating things
then ah boy came in the future....as one of those supposed to be short spooning hold masculine hand thing but before i knew it, here i m still with him....4 years.
i guess when u urself is ready, u will subconciously let ur guard down n simply let things happen.
when it is time and when it is right, oui?
Yes babe, when the time and person are right, I'll find my Ah Boy (=
hehehe
Or you can lend me yours.
the other Ng needs to stop listening to emo music! :)
she had her boy boys...mostly 2 at a time...concurrently...sigh...
the other ng is messed up...big time...nothing seems to make sense at this point in time. been throwing myself into uni and work, cos everytime i've got time on my hands, i start thinking too much and end up wallowing in self pity, as ja will bear testament to. i'm begining to get into the groove of life on my own, and i honestly am liking it, well, at least trying to. i miss all you of so much.
are u leaving for somewhere?
soon? where?
perhaps u need to have a fan meet-up? :)
are u going away for good?
Beng: The other Ng is a whiny bitch!
Kevin: Not funny. Next time I'm going to hang up on you!
Kevin (Comment #2):I think it's a phase la, we'll get over it. And yesh, we miss you too (even though you didnt even try and see some of us when you last came down.
E:A fan meet up?Hahaha...no la, no finalised plans, and no, not for good.But for a few years.
living on your own isn't THAT bad. been doing that for a while already. u'll come to terms with it and stop listening to depressing emo music. it doesn't help lah! making me depress over nothing nia...
meng:
1. i'm actually taking advice from ian.
2. ian is getting more love than me
3. ian is giving me shit about my dry patch
how bad can things get?
ja:
1. i wasnt the one who has such a full on social life. if you had some spare time for some of us, some of us would have met up. and some of us should have. bah.
Kev: Don't be a bitch, you're the one who was leashed up for years and never made the effort! How was I supposed to know when was a right time?
heck, what can I say? *rolls eyes* ... okay okay, you're right, my bad...i apologise...
Post a Comment