Bruised

I took my heart out from its protective cover
placed it in my palm
held it out
and it got bruised.

But then, I knew it would.

And I am learning
that seeing other people only serves as temporary cover
adds confusion
and clarity where I don't want it.

Unless I can be so selfish as to tell someone
'don't fall in love with me'.

Unless I can draw lines across the blueprints of a 'relationship'
say 'this is what we are, what we can be'
'what I can give, but no more than this'
Is that fair?

Anew

In the past 24 hours, I have pondered the ease, speed and intensity of which
relationships are built online, and just as equally, their demise.

Since returning from Sydney, I have made two random friends online
and marveled at how little it takes for one to reveal oneself on the internet.

"A quick check online reveals that you have started two blogs and abandoned them," he said
"start a blog, write.."

And I though, "Why? what could I possibly say that is of any interest, significance, to anyone else?" (the precise reason I stopped blogging)

Then when I think about it, I always blogged for me, to sort of clear my mind,
say what I need to say
regardless of whether anyone reads or comments and etc

There was the question of whether I should start a new blog,
or just reopen my previous blog and start posting from there
because I always go back to it anyway, to touch base
to see how I have changed, progressed, matured in my insights
and I thought, "This is me, who I was, who I became, who I am becoming."

I worried about how people would just read me, and judge me from there,
never get to know the real me,
just assume they know from what they read

And here we are :)

Very often people say to me "You've done so much, experienced so much,
for someone your age."

And I think to myself these days,
"Really? How have I contributed positively to anyone but myself?
How am I any different?What difference am I making?"

But maybe that thought is what keeps me going.