Not Happy

No lar..babe, not flaunting.

Currently there are a few good days in a vast sea of doom,
those are what I blog about, because my life, the pain
the turmoil within my heart, I just have no words
no way to write about.

When the x left for his hols, I found out he was lying
that whole thing about looking me in the eyes
and lying within the same breath as saying
'I love you' and I never questioned it, I fell for it so wholeheartedly
yet it was instinct that made me query

so I wrote him, told him I was done with him
he made very feeble attempts at apology
then I wrote him again, then text him told him not to
reply because I felt I would get over him better
if my mind bred thoughts of him with her

So for so many weeks he left me, without an explanation
and then when he was due back
I found out he wasn't even going to try and see me
and I found out he had flown to see her for the weekend
and so I went to the airport for answers

I waited 3 hours before he appeared
and he said yes he had flown down to spend the weekend with her
no, they were not together, no they did not sleep together
he spent the night with me, holding me, just being us

But the morning after I woke up with this strange feeling
I demanded he show me his camera
and in it of course, was a photo of them in bed together.
spooning.

He claims they didn't have sex, but after all the lies..
and isn't that worse anyway, that its emotional and not sexual?

He told me he couldn't fix me, he said he could never let her go

I said 'how can you ever have a proper relationship with
someone if you are going to have such an unorthodox friendship?'

'either tone it down with her, or have the guts to try with her, but
don't go wasting other people's time, effort and emotions'

he said maybe he would eventually go back and try with her
then later said, no, their friendship wasn't that way

then he says something with the gist of 'I guess I'll stay single forever'
meaning he will put his 'friendship' with her above having a relationship
with anyone

but what remains, ultimately was that he couldn't fix me, because he wasn't
going to let go of her, couldn't be bothered about my pain, yeah he held me when
I cried, but thats a bullshit part time job, he just couldnt make the effort
to put in more to soothe the pain that he caused.

I told him it was over, so it shouldn't matter, he says
but heck, he never tried to make it better then because
he already knew he was going to see her, and didnt want that
to change.

She's not even here. He clings on to this fantasy of her, and bypasses
everything that he has in reality and that truly kill me because I
have fought to fucking hard for him, I have bled so much, and still
I continue to bleed

I somehow still believe that within this monster is the person
who once begged me to love him forever

I have given him everything I am capable of giving and I am
shell-shocked and crumbling at this
I don't know what to do with myself
with my bleeding heart

I want to kill him, but I want to kill myself
but I could never do that

I don't understand how anyone can have the conscience to do this
to someone else

I don't understand how he can still tell me he loves me
yet keep causing me this pain

So yeah. Thats me this week.

My colleagues have been super, they come up to my desk to
talk about work, I turn around tears streaming
and they keep focus on work and talk through work ;D
Pete is super.

Week Four

this week has been hell

Kraftgraifx + Lapsap @ Palette Palate

I've been wanting to go to Palate Palette
plus its in the hood, and I walked pass it a couple of times on the
way to Nero or NBT

But today was the day, and I was determined to go
so I asked KJ, but the lamer said surely no girls
then I looked at the 'Maybe attending' list on FB
and there lo and behold was Mr Allen

Thus I procured his number and reeled him in
and the rest as they say, is history!

This was basically a vintage/funky apparel sale cum DJing by Lapsap
very bohemian chic, in a totally unique, cool yet homey setting
plus barbecue

Palate Palette's walls are all pieces of art from friends
the chairs and tables are a mismatched hodgepodge
its is an incredible location
and scrabble friendly too!

Yes, the most unlikely of acquaintances

Allen set me loose upstairs, crammed wall to wall with racks of clothing
shoes, bags, sunglasses, accessories
retro disco and reeking ciggarettes

I eventually had to go downstairs and hold out my hand to him
and say "Daddy, I need more cash"
this being the first time I've seen him in KL

The cupcakes, tres cool, the uncle snoozing at the back
cooler still

Strawberry mojito!

nobody knew who he was...

Allen & Slim, co-owner of PP

7 fab purchases for RM380
and then I said lets go to Neroteca for dinner
since its down the road
who cares if I was there Friday?

Sundays

What has become my regular Sunday routine is
Me Day
wake up, decide on somewhere nice to eat
go with a book, lounge, relax, savour.

I woke up today with a huge dimsum craving,
thought about inviting people but couldn't be bothered to wait
for them to come to town

So I set off, book in hand, to Imbi Palace
sat down, ordered tea, har kau, siew mai, some stuffed duck pastry
and pork ribs
And while families and friends teemed and buzzed about me
I savoured, devoured, solitary

Then I walked home, stuffed
took off my clothes, got back into bed resolving to not eat again
today

But then, Lapsap and Allen says "Lets go El Cerdo"
eventually I suggested Neroteca since we didn't have time
to order the El Cerdo specialty in advance

and boy,,, Nero did not disappoint
Teca outdoes Vivo no question

Oven-baked asparagus and manchego topped with speck and truffle oil

Parpadelle with wild boar ragout (sauce iberico)
this dish was stupendous with tender juicy nuggets of wild boar
and basil, made me want to bring daddy

my regular ham & mushroom tagliatelle with additional broccoli
Funghi e Prosciutto
always delumptious, always al dente
always rich but not cloying

the crazy good deli meats, think prosciutto, mortadella, salame

And so, another brilliant Sunday. (=

Reprisal-Gin Soaked Bar Room Queen

Re-Introducing Pete/Blue, one of my closest male friends
who has been an absolute encouraging rock in these
past weeks

last night he came and got me in a taxi
(so I didn't have to get a taxi on my own and would be safe)
handed me the sweetest card telling me that despite
the last three weeks I am chirpier than ever
and that I should keep my chin up
then he ran out of space
(;

He thinks I've lost my super-anal edge
that I am zen and chilled

So off we went to Terrace bar, then into Velvet
but the thing about Pete and me is we start off the night
superb, but when we start to drink we somehow veer in
different directions and thus towards night's end
I ended up partying with BZB and his gang
and thats when it all went downhill

I started with gin, vodka, champagne, and with BZB progressed to shots, vodka
shots, whisky, champagne

I know they brought me home, but I have a gap in my memory of coming
in at the gate, of coming upstairs, of coming in
I remember sitting under the shower making sure my
hair was washed
I remember making indomee goreng with peas
corned beef and garlic sausage
I remember chicken-onion soup after that
but I don't remember coming in!

Anyway I love this pic cos it looks so happy.

Woke up at 11.20am and was mighty proud of myself
for sleeping in so late

Kraftgrafix/lapsap sale at Palette after a business meeting @ 3
then I shall do me usual Sunday rundown.

P Ramlee, The Musical

It started like this, first my friend sent me an invitation,
free ticket, but I turned it down because I had plans
to do the TOKL, stand-up comedy at Mansion with Sunshine
but then Celcom sent a discounted price for subscribers
then Meng asked me if I 'd see it, so I knew that these were
signs that I had to go

I called Sunshine, "I am sorry, I have to stand you up"
"For which other guy?" growled he
"I'm not telling you, I dont ask and you dont tell me which other
girl, when you stand me up" I retorted
"Well I hope the theatre sucks, I hope it rains all night, I hope
you get caught in a traffic jam and I hope you get stood up!" huffed he
"But I love you!" said I
"I don't love you right now." said he
but later he gave me two green apples to satiate my cravings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the production team, kudos on P Ramlee, the Musical II
it was fantabulous! World class and better than some of the
'international' outfits I've seen here
Guys, if you're hesitating, go! Its a Malaysian production worthy
of your time and support, the outfits, sets, musicians, actors
everything..
is outstanding.

After that, chill at Bar Club on AHR with Mr Randall himself
followed by upcoming performances at NBT in the coming week
Mr Pianist? (;
Sorry Sunshine, this was one night worth standing you up for
even if I was in my work clothes and shoes from 9.15am-2.30 am


I am pooped. Nighty.

Poisonous Fingers

Oh how I love that I am able to come home at lunches
put on some TV, some music, eat some, watch some TV
Take off all my clothes then put them all on again
layer by layer, office chic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It occurred to me today that while yes,
I am sore, hurt, stunned even

I am ultimately ok, not getting worse
and how it would be so much better if he was gone
and not coming back

I fill my days, and I am okay, good I might venture

but he is coming back, and I guess not knowing what
that may bring has the potential to rock my boat, again
but I plan to stand fast
(though we all know how plans sometimes get diverted)

Just a thought, better if he was gone away for good
not dead *touchwood*
but just away where he can no longer touch me.

Flashback

I was reading at work, research if you like
then I came across this place where we once went

Then the flashbacks started coming
I remember how I was so happy at first
then I found out you had been flirting with someone else
what shocked me was that it was not you to do so,
or I thought so then, but maybe your true colours were emerging

I remember climbing all the way up to that waterfall
with my heart in at my feet
and breaking down as I ate lunch cross-legged on the rocks
I remember being so heart broken that I was in a daze

I remember turning my back to our travelling mates,
to hide my crying
and telling you to release your hold on me, to let me go
because I couldn't take this pain

I remember you slipped and fell off the rocks, sliding
I thought you might die
I remember how you tried to make it up to me after that
a candlelit bath of flowers, a romantic dinner on the beach
I remember how we swayed in the pool
how hard you were against me
how you sputtered and told me your ears hurt in the sea
and I tried to explain how to equalize
and when you finally got it, you said
"why didn't you just tell me to pop my ears?"
how we walked hand in hand on the endless stretch of golden

and sometimes, I swear I can smell your scent,
I can hear your voice, I can almost feel you on me

I can hear Adam screaming, fingers clutching, toes
curling to cling to me, as he is tugged away from me

But that is all my allow myself, and even that, rarely.

Skybar@Traders

Shortalk on The Loo On A Tuesday Morning

Last night housemate come home
and entire apartment permeated with smell
of steak, but where is the steak?
All in my belly.
Housemate no likee.

Now also house still smells like steak.

I think my top dessert of the moment is almond beancurd
I love it love it love it!
Smooth almond jelly, neutral comforting milk
and sweet, crunch of longan.

I like it so much I walked into Starhill last night with
my shorts and tshirts and flipflops looking damn lamnua
Who should I bump into but my HR Manager
Was on the phone the entire walk and back
so could avoid smalltalk.

Listen to me people! Tonight they are shooting an add at
Trader's and they need bodies in the Skybar, payment is in
freeflow of drinks all night long!
Come, 7.30 pm
Wear clubby clothes, no green purples and orange please!

Ran out of coffee and forgot to buy when steak diverted me
last night, so this morning I had to open a pack of ground coffee so
thoughtfully provided to me by The Westin last week,
but I am sans filter paper
so I used my sieve.What? I like my coffee with a few bits
of ground coffee in!

Yeah, I be smart like that.

OK go away, I can't poo with you here.

Nimrods

Ever had to deal with nimrods and knowing
that you should be a bitch and make them pay
for their nincompoo-pedness?

Just has to be that your mediator is someone
you don't want to inconvenience
therefore you are nice, you negotiate
you exercise calm and cool.

Yeah thats what happened today when I was told
I should be earning less.

Thats all I am saying.

Shall I recap the past few weeks?

Week one: Girl finds out that man/boy who(claims) he loves her
has been lying to her about certain things(people) for 2 years. within the
same breath as telling her he loves her.
Girl is ill when she finds out.

Week two: Girl's mother's psychiatrist calls
to say mother is on the brink of suicide, made worse by grandmother's death
yes, girl knows because mother has already told her
and girl and younger sister have freaked out and sobbed
to each other on the phone, twelve years and 400km apart

But oh to hear the psychiatrist telling you, thats a different story
all together. Girl invites mother down for a change of scene
girl, mother and friends have a good weekend.

Week three: back to reality, HR calls to say that
there has been a misquote with the appointment contract signed four
months ago, they should be paying me less.

Jeez. I could be freaking but I am chilling.

I am a season dealer of the stresses, yes I am
Rib-eye marinating, onions caramelising
potatoes ready to be sauteed with garlic
Carole King singing 'So Far Away'
glass of shiraz by my side
I am the epitome of zen because I know fate has a hand
and if fate is going to lead me elsewhere, I am ready to go.

No Black Tie

Mother came down and we camped out in my
little room, her on the bed me on a mattress on the floor

My goal was to lift her out of her doldrums so I tossed
her a Timeout as I did work on my laptop late Friday
"Do we have to go out?" asked she
"Yes mom, Its friday, find something to do" I gesture at Timeout

She looks through the listings, mentions jazz and theatre
Then, NoBlackTie.

I jump up, flip through
"Lewis Pragasam!we are so going"
"10.30 wor, so late, somemore 40 ringgit per person"
"I don't care, we are going" I promptly made reservations.

We lolled in bed, reading, listening to music
til half-8, then I forced her to wear flats
so we could wander off to La Terasse
(which was very hit and miss)

Then NBT. We waited, half-11 before they started
Lo and behold not just Lewis but Mr. Piano Maestro
pianist extraordinaire that I admired when covering
Penang Jazz Fest 2?3? years back
Steaaaammmm. But he looked geekier, but oh! when he played!
The passion, the slight flirtatiousness/slight cockiness of his demeanor..

*melts*

Mom discovered she knew some of the regulars.
old friends, throwback from Zainal Abidin days
Manbai and the like , we must have reached home
at 2 am, but not before I made reservations for Saturday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, 6am and mother is snoring like Niagara Falls.
Headphones in my ear keeps my brain active, I give up and
work on my laptop before making my way to work.

Boss and I have a brainstorm,
I go home, we meet URod then, Prego, Spa
Dinner is at Frangipani, through which I rave about
food but not service, then I rave about Lewis Pragasam
and of course, Mr pianist extraordinaire

We go to NBT and after awhile, saturated in Veuve Cliquot
(we all are) (except mom)
Urod begins to pimp me out to Pianist.

No, he's not married.(he asked for me)
"My niece would like to have coffee with you"
later he walks by " This is my niece, Aja"
later yet " This is her card"
later later, someone else introduces me to Pianist
later later even, Urod introduces us again
and Pianist and I exclaim "we've met like 10 times tonight"

Sigh. Don't think he liked me, otherwise he didn't like
my life fort of URod, mother and stepfather
(they stood around me, guarding, like I was 3).

Got home at 4am. Bak Kut Teh. Another sleepless night
with headphones in and not drowning the rumbling.

Sunday.
Mother and stepdad leave.(Mother seems happier)
Me.Brunch. Neroteca.
Go home, crash then dinner in KL's oldest restaurant
with Petes and the old IA boys
Sek Yuen was another Timeout recommendation that
proved well worth it.