Simple Life: Day 2

Breakfast was but a cup of coffee, Lunch, my wonderful printer bought
(after I told him the sorrowful Simple Life Story)

Boyfriend spends 10 on his lunch, meaning we have 60 accumulated for dinner
I call him when I am at the store "Pork, beef or chicken for dinner?"
"Pork or beef!" says chicken despiser
"Pork devil curry or, oven-baked with mushrooms and cream?"
"Mushrooms and cream!"

I wander the store for pork loin, mushrooms, brussel sprouts and mustard seeds. It costs about 55 bucks.
I go home, pour a dry vermouth and juice. Fiddle with the herbs, brown mushrooms, onions. Marinate the meat. B Mr. Man comes home, peels the carrots and potatoes, while I set the meat in vermouth and cream into the oven. He finishes the veg while I shower. And tadah!

(there was a picture here but I decided it wasn't good enough)

The Mound

He is clutching his belly, moaning like an injured seal.

"Baby will you rub hong-eew for me?"

I moan and groan, riffling through the pile of 'ex-girlfriend products' to find the right wind-dissipating ointment.

I rub the belly, exclaim "I've never seen such a huge belly!"

pause..then a soft "Don't bluff."

"Okay fine, I've never seen such a huge belly on any boyfriend of mine...if this lasts...you won't."

And my boyfriend laughs at me.

The Simple Life: Day 1

The Challenge when you think of it, is pretty simple.

-30 bucks a day on meals for women, 40 for men (this includes your weekly grocery shop)
-300 bucks a day for other misc spending (ie shopping)
-5000 travel/holiday allowance a month

Other essentials such as car maintenance, toiletries, animal feed exempted from challenge allowances.

The bulk of my expenditure though, has always been spent on food. I'm the person who needs to immediately eat another meal to neutralise the experience of a bad meal. I'm the person who's rather not eat if it isn't what I specified.

So,

Breakfast: 1 slice of multigrain toast with tomme de savoie + fig jam, 1 nespresso latte (home: FOC)
Lunch: Ipoh Curry Mee + Barley Peng (RM21.90)
Tea: Half a curry puff & two pieces of salt & pepper calamari (on the job)
Dinner: Sole & Prawns Meuniere, Green Salad & Brown Rice (cooked by moi, almonds, fish, capers and dill cost 46.34)

Just under the couple budget of RM70 :p

So now I'm sitting waiting for a supplier at Plan B and devising a way to weasel them into buy me lunch. After all, I'm the client :p

Suspension

Maybe it is the seconds in between wakefulness and

sleep

when you are drifting, already in a dream but not completely

submerged within it

yet.

Maybe it is then that one is at their most open

vulnerable

I was suspended in that state last night

almost lost, yet there, solid on his chest

and he said it, again

and I could feel it, my natural reaction

springing out of me

but I caught it, those words

and I reeled them back in

and they turned around and soothed me

told me to allow myself to sleep, that they would be good

and a split second before I fell

they jumped out, went careening out of my mouth

sought him out

I remember my shock, such betrayal

the momentary fright

and then I was out cold.

Infiltrated

I am

oval like an egg

balancing on its end

silvery weight at my very core

you

are like a slithery sea creature

with tentacles that hug every nook and cran

every action weighed, yet not

stable as a rock wedged

in sand

back and forth across the line

you barely nudge

and I sway

on this you play

On Knowing, And Not

Sometime last week:

Me: I want a husband!

Married best friend: Don't bluff!

She called it, alright.

The more time you spend with someone, the more they get to know you,
and vice versa,

the more you expose of yourself, the more you build a relationship

and because I try to be myself as much as possible, I prefer to surround

myself with people who already know the different facets of me.

I am cautious with the people I spend a lot of time with
I am very prudent and conscious of the ties that I build, and don't,
romantically, physically

At this point in my life I am content with my family, my friends
and the level of affection and loyalty I have for them,
this is all that I am currently capable of giving.

But like any human being, I sometimes second guess myself,
I falter, and I say to myself, 'hey you, lets shift dynamics a bit'

And also when you are confronted day in and day out by

an amazing person so persistent in the pursuit

It seems only human to rationalise why you should try

or how the positives could balance out the negatives

So I did, I decided to give the girlfriend part a shot.

When you shift a person from 'Only Friend' mode
to 'Maybe Boyfriend' mode, perspectives change
and god, I hate the person I become in a (possible) relationship

Its hard to explain, in that situation, I am more critical, my standards
come into play and what never niggled at me in 'friend mode'
niggles at me constantly, thus it ends with me being annoyed at the
person, and annoyed/disgusted at myself for being so rigid, so petty
as have to constantly remind myself of the more important

beauties of this personality.

Then everything else came into play, the logistics of a relationship
carting my stuff here and there, schedules, responsibilities etc

Can't do it. Its just stress.

And existence of purely myself and my circles of family and good friends
is one that is easy, and selfish to a point, but it works for me and it ensures
that I commit fully in each place that needs it.

Could be timing, personalities, or that this just isn't it.

But to proceed further could be the death of a great friendship.

That's where I'm at today.

Revelation

Today I said it, and it made me take a step back and look at myself, the situation
the people, actions, world, spinning on axis before me.

"I'm so fucking scared I'll get married because I'm bored."

In with the NY/CNY festivities in the past months, I've caught up with so many
that I haven't seen in a long time and the initial response is always the same
"You've been in KL for over 2 years?, that's a record for you!"

It is, KL for upwards of 2, Malaysia for upwards of 3.

I need a change of scene, a challenge.

And don't get me wrong, I do want marriage, kids, the whole she-bang
but right now, it terrifies, or maybe I just haven't met the sort of
person that it takes to move me into that sort of sphere yet.

And maybe I'm not done being just me.

Eyes

My boss and I are pretty close
So the other day she asked me for a usual, after work drink.

"Can't, I've got a date.'
"Is it a blind date?.'
"No, but if I married this guy I'd have to be blind"
"Maybe you can stab your eye with a fork.."
"Maybe I need two forks."
"Better use teaspoons, then you can save them as souvenirs."
"Yes, they can be his wedding gift.."
"You bring new meaning to the term 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."


A few days later...

I forward her an email that someone has written in very bad english to me
saying "You think this is bad, you should have heard him on the phone,
made me want to stab my eyes out"

She replied with , "You can't, you have to save them for your husband-to-be"

"PS this -_- is what you will look like when you give him your eyes."

Damn kwai lan.

Masochistic Me

I cancelled a date today in favour of the company of my colleagues/friends
who say that I should save my 'date cancelling' template
so that I don't have to sit with them and plot, each time.

And it wasn't until I sat down with them, took the first sip of wine
that I realised that I was upset.

I told them what I did, masochistic me,
how the permeation of scent served to remind me
the clinging embrace

And they said 'Oh Aj..' and stroked my hair

And sometimes, sometimes I want to stop being the strong one
but I don't know how.

Sometimes, I wonder if its time to stop deflecting, start engaging
stop saying 'we can't' and starting saying 'this is how we can'.