Cannonballs

Mother
is in town, to stay in my shoebox sized room for awhile
Last night (or rather morning at 0100 hours)
I curled on my side on the mattress by the wall trying to block
out the sound of her speaking on the phone to her ex-boyfriend
I strained to stay calm as I mentally counted down the hours
before I had to wake up for work: 7 hours

In her 40s, and I am astounded that some things don't change
I wonder how my life will pan out, whether it will always be this way
whether I can avoid the worst incarnation of myself
we're all afraid of turning into our mothers someday

So I fight kicking and screaming, to not become
but my direction...well..I don't really know which way to go
just not that way

but then, where would that leave me?

I think of the extreme alternative, of drabness and monotony
and I hope that I'll find balance

0230 hours
Mother is snoring, I feel as though the room walls are shuddering
tenting inward over me
wake up for work in: 5 1/2 hours

I go outside and try and sleep on the couch
the thought of it being somewhat 'public' area bugs me
I toss, I turn

0630 hours
I am up, I don't know if at all I've slept
wake up for work in: 1 1/2 hours
I don't bother to sleep, I make coffee, I dwell

Mother does my head in.
Whether she says nothing to me, whether she tells a story
that does not concern me, the approach, the perspective, the reactions
mother does my head in.

indirectly(or not)
she fucks with my mind, she makes me question my existence,
my relationships
she unrattles my perceived stability
she makes me retract from anything that could potentially hurt me
because when I look at her, I don't want to build these
fragile human connections that crumble in an instant