Revelation

Today I said it, and it made me take a step back and look at myself, the situation
the people, actions, world, spinning on axis before me.

"I'm so fucking scared I'll get married because I'm bored."

In with the NY/CNY festivities in the past months, I've caught up with so many
that I haven't seen in a long time and the initial response is always the same
"You've been in KL for over 2 years?, that's a record for you!"

It is, KL for upwards of 2, Malaysia for upwards of 3.

I need a change of scene, a challenge.

And don't get me wrong, I do want marriage, kids, the whole she-bang
but right now, it terrifies, or maybe I just haven't met the sort of
person that it takes to move me into that sort of sphere yet.

And maybe I'm not done being just me.

Eyes

My boss and I are pretty close
So the other day she asked me for a usual, after work drink.

"Can't, I've got a date.'
"Is it a blind date?.'
"No, but if I married this guy I'd have to be blind"
"Maybe you can stab your eye with a fork.."
"Maybe I need two forks."
"Better use teaspoons, then you can save them as souvenirs."
"Yes, they can be his wedding gift.."
"You bring new meaning to the term 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."


A few days later...

I forward her an email that someone has written in very bad english to me
saying "You think this is bad, you should have heard him on the phone,
made me want to stab my eyes out"

She replied with , "You can't, you have to save them for your husband-to-be"

"PS this -_- is what you will look like when you give him your eyes."

Damn kwai lan.

Masochistic Me

I cancelled a date today in favour of the company of my colleagues/friends
who say that I should save my 'date cancelling' template
so that I don't have to sit with them and plot, each time.

And it wasn't until I sat down with them, took the first sip of wine
that I realised that I was upset.

I told them what I did, masochistic me,
how the permeation of scent served to remind me
the clinging embrace

And they said 'Oh Aj..' and stroked my hair

And sometimes, sometimes I want to stop being the strong one
but I don't know how.

Sometimes, I wonder if its time to stop deflecting, start engaging
stop saying 'we can't' and starting saying 'this is how we can'.