Not Happy

No lar..babe, not flaunting.

Currently there are a few good days in a vast sea of doom,
those are what I blog about, because my life, the pain
the turmoil within my heart, I just have no words
no way to write about.

When the x left for his hols, I found out he was lying
that whole thing about looking me in the eyes
and lying within the same breath as saying
'I love you' and I never questioned it, I fell for it so wholeheartedly
yet it was instinct that made me query

so I wrote him, told him I was done with him
he made very feeble attempts at apology
then I wrote him again, then text him told him not to
reply because I felt I would get over him better
if my mind bred thoughts of him with her

So for so many weeks he left me, without an explanation
and then when he was due back
I found out he wasn't even going to try and see me
and I found out he had flown to see her for the weekend
and so I went to the airport for answers

I waited 3 hours before he appeared
and he said yes he had flown down to spend the weekend with her
no, they were not together, no they did not sleep together
he spent the night with me, holding me, just being us

But the morning after I woke up with this strange feeling
I demanded he show me his camera
and in it of course, was a photo of them in bed together.
spooning.

He claims they didn't have sex, but after all the lies..
and isn't that worse anyway, that its emotional and not sexual?

He told me he couldn't fix me, he said he could never let her go

I said 'how can you ever have a proper relationship with
someone if you are going to have such an unorthodox friendship?'

'either tone it down with her, or have the guts to try with her, but
don't go wasting other people's time, effort and emotions'

he said maybe he would eventually go back and try with her
then later said, no, their friendship wasn't that way

then he says something with the gist of 'I guess I'll stay single forever'
meaning he will put his 'friendship' with her above having a relationship
with anyone

but what remains, ultimately was that he couldn't fix me, because he wasn't
going to let go of her, couldn't be bothered about my pain, yeah he held me when
I cried, but thats a bullshit part time job, he just couldnt make the effort
to put in more to soothe the pain that he caused.

I told him it was over, so it shouldn't matter, he says
but heck, he never tried to make it better then because
he already knew he was going to see her, and didnt want that
to change.

She's not even here. He clings on to this fantasy of her, and bypasses
everything that he has in reality and that truly kill me because I
have fought to fucking hard for him, I have bled so much, and still
I continue to bleed

I somehow still believe that within this monster is the person
who once begged me to love him forever

I have given him everything I am capable of giving and I am
shell-shocked and crumbling at this
I don't know what to do with myself
with my bleeding heart

I want to kill him, but I want to kill myself
but I could never do that

I don't understand how anyone can have the conscience to do this
to someone else

I don't understand how he can still tell me he loves me
yet keep causing me this pain

So yeah. Thats me this week.

My colleagues have been super, they come up to my desk to
talk about work, I turn around tears streaming
and they keep focus on work and talk through work ;D
Pete is super.