Mom tells me she doesn't want to talk about it.

But I tell her she must.
She says they have found a tumour
and either way, operating or not
she could go blind.

She says that she is cursed with all the deseases
grandpa had, that she now has to take 12 pills
at each meal

(and this is when YM comes up the stairs bawling his eyes out
over an argument with Dadman and I pause to placate him)

But her information is not complete and I hate that
my aunt doesn't know much, her boyfriend isn't there
Like what sort of tumour?How big?
How come nobody feels the need to thoroughly know?

I want someone to go with her each time she sees the doctor
so that we know exactly what the problem is
and thus, learn the steps to take in event
of an emergency as well as take necessary steps to
fix it.

So that we don't jump to conclusions, assume or
doubt.

But I am not there.
So she goes on her own because
she doesn't want to bug anyone she says

This is when I explode, and
tell her to get her priorities straight
and that its not a matter of 'bugging people'
'when you're so sick, its not ever about inconveniencing people
its about making things better!'

Its a matter of making sure that
that at least someone will be there for her
understand everything completely.

She says she doesnt want to disturb me and my life here.
But doesn't it make things worse if nobody has
complete information to give me
and I have to end up calling 4 fucking different people in
Penang to ask them to try and find out?

She tells me that I am yelling
and that I should go.

I tell her she deserves to be yelled at.

And she is sobbing, saying she has no one
that no one truly cares enough
that they'd rather she die.

Then she says, "You want to know what started all this?"
"I all started when I gave birth to you."

This is when I go completely still, silent

She continues into a tearful tirade 23 years past
and when she is done, I tell her quietly that I must go.

And I sit there, still reeling.

I know its not my fault, I am smarter than to believe that
I know that if anything, she made the choices
I know that her lifestyle has only aggravated her condition
but I cannot help but be affected

I know that if I ever have the health problems she has
I would do my utmost to life my life fully, completely, do it right
as best I can.

I go into the bathroom so no one can see/hear me
sink down on the freezing tile floor
then I dial the only person who sees me laid bare
and I cry.