De-shelling

Today, as I was surfing the net
and BBB was napping
MTP came in to my room and sat down
then she said
"Aja, when you came here as an aupair,
what did you expect?"

I thought, uh-oh talk time

I told her that I expected to experience a different
culture, learn and grow
contribute to my
education and life in general
be part of a different family

then MTP remarked that I was
standoffish at the party
(how many times has that been said about me?)
and that she peeked at my blog
and most of what I said was negative

How true.
Can I blame everything on being raised in an
asian culture?
where only the bad is mentioned
and none of the good?
sometimes I guess you need someone else to
point it out to you
that your worse fears are manifesting

Like Daddy, I always get into
these little arguments with him
I tell him he complains that por-por
never says a good word to him
but here he is sometimes doing exactly the same

and now, here I am
ironic, isn't it?

But its so many things isn't it?
like that I was pissed off at something
totally unrelated when I wrote that post

like how sometimes I write
just for entertainment value

and how Being Aja is the talk cock blog
because there is a 'Belle Dk' blog in the works
and articles that I plan to sell as well
so if I blog all the good, amusing things
in Being Aja
then there will be no juice left for
belledk and the articles

so the good things are coming (=
I just want to be paid for them
lol

But I love that MTP came up and had that talk with me
most people I know would rather let it
simmer, wonder all the while
or forever

And so we talked, I told her that I am
indeed comfortable
a few things bug me,
that I can't seem to find something suitable to learn
(but avenues are endless)

and that I have no friends (yet)

and that I feel bad when I am not doing anything
because she's sorta paying me

You see, with au pairing you are like
another child of the house with regular chores
theres a 5 hour max of work a day (I think)

But housework doesn't seem like work to me
babysitting doesn't feel like work to me

I mean, I come from a family where
we may plan our schedule around cleaning
where my aunt polishes the steering wheel
while I am driving 140kmph
where we might even clear the plates
before the guests finish eating

And I plan it well, what to do while waiting for the floors
to dry for instance, things are placed at strategic places
so that while I am cleaning,
I am always on the move

and when I am done, with time to spare
I feel profoundly bad for having time to spare
I gotta learn how to relax

then MTP comes home I hover around her
'is she okay?' , 'does she need help?'
man, if I had an au pair trailing around me
I'd swat her like a fly, fucking annoying

but I can't help it, in built.

Then I explained how, I didn't mean to
come across as standoffish (how many times have I had to do this?)
I am merely shy. Painfully shy.

Sure, I have my wide social circle
crazy friends everywhere party people etc
I am nice to people yes, but I don't know what to do with
new people
this is the girl who cannot for the life of her
do any public speaking
or anything in front of crowds
(karaoke for instance)

So throw me, a lone asian girl in a crowd of
danes, after I've read that danes don't take so warmly
(at first) to strangers
and I am like a hermit crab scuttling into my shell

Then MTP said that in 4 emails from me
she learnt more about me than she has in
my two weeks here

How true right?Didn't butta say that to me once
so much more articulate in my writing
so much more confident in my writing

But we're learning, MTP and I
she tells me her university stories
her shocking stories
and I tell her my family stories,
my bitchy girfriend friend stories
it really is kinda cool (=