And Here We Go..Yet Again

*Rant Warning*

I am about to motherfucking blow up!

I am this close to having a friggin fit.

I just walked in through the door,

dropped my stuff,

walked straight to my room and poured myself a stiff drink

out of the secret plastic container that I keep.

Yes, I am not ashamed to say that I have one.

It is precisely for days like these that I have it.

and man is this drink good.

I hate weak people.

I seriously do,

and I'm sure part of it is because
there is weakness in me too.

But what I loathe even more than that,

are people who act weaker than they actually are.

People that try and sound like
they are going to die any second
when they answer the phone.

People whose lives have degenerated so much
(their own doing),

that they only thing they have to cling to,
is attention from others.

People that don't try to help themselves,

but can still continously point the finger at others.

and yet,

I'm starting to believe that some people

are just born

with the inherent nature

to continually fuck up

it's what they do

what they were meant to do

what they are

and that doesn't change

and they can't help it.

It seems to create a balance in the world.

I am 21, and I wonder how can 2 adults
over the age of 40 be

so completely and utterly incompetent?
How?

Few phone calls in the evening told me that
my mother had admitted herself into the hospital.

Her. Alone. No one else.

(the people that were with her had left, and called me)

This is when I call her and she does that weak thing.

I know now's my cue to go to the hospital.

I sit back, I shut it out, I put it off.

My grandmother calls, "are you going?,whats wrong?" she asks

I don't know, I don't want to know, I think.

"you go" I say.

Eventually I reluctantly drag my arse out of the office

( I could have spent the night there)

and make my way to the hospital.

I hate hospitals

I've spent so much time in them

There were the many times when I was younger , with my mother

The many months with Joshua

The many weeks with Kevin

enough for a lifetime.

I steel myself before walking into the dorm

It hits me in a wave

When I get to the room my mother specified,

it is empty, untouched.

I am furious

I wonder if it is one of her ploys

a game

I call her, she had given me the wrong room number.

When she tries to speak to me, I launch into a lecture.

"Your life, you sort it out,

you got into this, you get out of it yourself,

how old are you?

you behave like a child, when will you learn,

when will you change,

when will you learn to stand on your own two feet
and take care of yourself and not depend on others?"

The words spill out in a torrent of frustration.

" I was there for you when you had problems.." she says

"yes, but how long before I picked myself up?,
how long are you going to live like this,

half your life is gone!"

She collapses into tears.

I ignore her and read a magazine.

I am not a cold, heartless bitch,

I'm just tired, I've done this for 10 years,

she just has to learn that people aren't going to
help her out of each and every jam.

I am tired of being the mother.

How much do you throw away,

how much can you lose,

how many friends and family members are you willing to give up,

how much must your life deteriorate,

before you realise

"alright, that's fucking enough?

I need to clean the fuck up,

and behave like a mature, responsible adult?"

Soon after, my grandmother arrives,

She launches into the same lecture as I.

"Don't bother, I 've done that" says I

"I say what I wish" says she

and there, in the private hospital room,

three generations engage in a shouting match.

At the hospital, I am annoyed

by people that honk their horns

at horrible indonesians and chinese having conversations
at the tops of their voices, in the wards

at a malay family of 14

with greasy hair and dirty fingernails

that cramp into the lift with me

Later, things calm.

I pretend I am somewhere else.

The nurse brings medication.

Pretty soon, it hits my mother,

I can see it in her eyes.

I take my grandma to buy dinner.

An angry driver is ramming on his horn, for someone has parked in his way.

The deafening noise jarrs me to the bone.

When I get back into the car

grandma tells me I have to go back out again cos mummy wants some too

Out of the car, in again, out, in, out in

it goes on...

Phone credit for mom,

deliver food n credit to mom,

deliver a note,

take grandma here

take her there.

Try doing all of that,

in a mother fucking Cheongsam and 3 inch heels.

After a day at work,

where you've had an event

and been standing all day.

The Cheongsam was my paternal grandma's.

it's forty years old

I got it altered, and now its mine

these are unique designs

that complement the womanly physique

but are

damned inconvenient

when you're continually sitting and standing(in/out of car)

I feel asthough, in her dress,

I have taken on the persona

of my paternal grandmother

rigid, disapproving, cold

iron armoured Chinese woman

I finally drop grandma home

deliver one last thing.

At times like these,

the Penang driving drives me nuts

I want a shotgun

to shoot

every insipid motherfucker

that cuts across my goddamned path

When I hurtle top speed over the THIRD UNMARKED SPEED BUMP

(thanks to the geniuses that do our roads)

I CAN'T take it anymore

and unleash a raving mad

"MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

in a shrill scream bordering on lunacy.

It's when I get home that I realise that

All the time she was sitting in the car,

My grandma rested her feet on my laptop.

This is what I have to say:

Fuck this shit

On Saturday, I 'm screwing this and going to Pangkor Laut.