This Feeling

I am not in a foul mood

not sad

nor lost

or incomplete

Maybe I'm just tired of it all

How can a week's holiday be un-done so soon?

I had not even left Langkawi yet,

when it started...the long stringy tentacles of reality seeping into my holiday soup.

and here I am, second day home, not an hour yet of time on my own.

I'm torn, between all the people I put off to spend time with Mayleen & Badr

unseen situations that crept up while I was in Langkawi,

and stupid forgotten appointments

that I'm reminded of last minute because I have not looked in my book for one week.

Take tonight for instance,

I'm supposed to watch a movie with my stepmother and my aunt

I'm supposed to cook dinner for my mom and stepfather

I'm supposed to be with a certain individual who's displaying

the most horrific effects of a breakup

What am I ??wonder woman?

Yes, reschedule, cancel, but who do I pick?

Have you seen the looks of disappointment, or heard the guilt-trip?

I hate cancelling, I hate being pressured,

I hate how I can't begin to explain me

to anyone,

because most people can't even fathom my life.

Try looking your mother in the eye (while she cries, on bloody Mother's Day, and telling her no, she can't come and live with you..)

A lot of people much much older than I

have not even been through a quarter of what I have.

But obviously, I can't say what.

Yesterday,

I dealt with two people nearly breaking down and I'm starting to wonder,

when do I get to breakdown?

When have I ever?

When do I get to call and say I can't take it anymore

or that I fucking feel like dying and want to kill myself so please help me?

When when when?

22 years this year and looking at the lives of adults around me

tells me that all this won't get much easier.

But then again my life does seem much easier then theirs because

I choose to make my life simpler, learn from the mistakes of those around me,

although they themselves never seem to learn.

I just needed to rant, and as I am too tired to talk to anyone,

or even think about it, I'm doing it here.

I need time alone, to regroup, get myself together, to bloody relax.

I just need some time alone,

some time where I don't have to worry about seeing or being late for something else.

Just me.

I'm not answering, phonecalls or smses, unless it's family.(don't take it personal)

And I really really don't need stupid smses or remarks from people who think they know what's going on, but actually only knows half or jack shit about me or the story.