Pensive

Lately I've been blog-surfing a lot.

You go to a friend's who links to another,

and another.

And then there are random strangers

or the popular blogstars.

And sometimes I find myself unexpectedly mentioned in the weirdest places.

That's so strange.

It makes me so much more self-concious of what I write.

But yet there's only so much I can filter

otherwise, its just not me.

It's weird when I meet someone I havent seen in yonks on the streets

and before I finish my sentence on whats up with me

they say, "I know".

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Anyways ,

Reading about all these peoples lives..

This is what I see,

in each day

of people 4/5/6 years ahead of me

slog slog eat shit bitch whine drink slog blog sleep

Do you realise how many of you whine about being back here,

working here, your jobs, your lives

your very existence?

How many can genuinely say they are content?

And then there are the ones,

so unfullfilled

but too damn afraid to take the risk of moving away

from mediocre experience

so they settle for so much less than their potential.

I 've told myself that i won't end up that way

and maybe that's why

before this, I applied for those different jobs

but turned them down when I got them

I did it so that I would know,

that if and when I wanted to break out,

I could.

And I am here today,

not because I can't be elsewhere

the opportunities are limitless

but I know that gaining experience here,

will take me even farther.

Yet, I am fucking terrified

that I will become like that.

I know I ve got the resources, the balls,

the burning desire to

pack up, leave, try something new, different

but what if it dies?

Didn't everyone else vow to grow up different?

Surely they did, and here, today, how many have broken out of that box?

I find it hard to believe that some people

have such small dreams

"I just want to grow up, work in a cubicle, get married and I'll be happy"

is that it?

Ok, some people have simple requirements,

but you know what chills me to the bone?

Forgetting your dreams,losing hope.

Hey Mr.Pan, it won't happen to me right?

Just some random thinking.

I don't know where I'm going with this.