He Says, She Says

He says, "Cool...you're a legend!"

She says "And you're a very nice boy!"

And indeed he is, I am impressed.

Not-So-Pensive-Anymore

Ok, I had a talk with Gayle (add that to Peter,Tiger and The Minx's responses)

about the 'pensiveness'(See post below)

yesterday,

it all made me see that everyone is happy doing different things.

There are different levels of doing things

different reasons

different passions

different priorities

different wants and needs

That meets what suits the individual.

Sorry lah!Momentarily terpanic,

I'll put it down to cyclical hormonal imbalance,

but it shows I'm checking myself.

And hey, I wasn't singling anyone out ok?Just a general blogsurf.

Pensive

Lately I've been blog-surfing a lot.

You go to a friend's who links to another,

and another.

And then there are random strangers

or the popular blogstars.

And sometimes I find myself unexpectedly mentioned in the weirdest places.

That's so strange.

It makes me so much more self-concious of what I write.

But yet there's only so much I can filter

otherwise, its just not me.

It's weird when I meet someone I havent seen in yonks on the streets

and before I finish my sentence on whats up with me

they say, "I know".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways ,

Reading about all these peoples lives..

This is what I see,

in each day

of people 4/5/6 years ahead of me

slog slog eat shit bitch whine drink slog blog sleep

Do you realise how many of you whine about being back here,

working here, your jobs, your lives

your very existence?

How many can genuinely say they are content?

And then there are the ones,

so unfullfilled

but too damn afraid to take the risk of moving away

from mediocre experience

so they settle for so much less than their potential.

I 've told myself that i won't end up that way

and maybe that's why

before this, I applied for those different jobs

but turned them down when I got them

I did it so that I would know,

that if and when I wanted to break out,

I could.

And I am here today,

not because I can't be elsewhere

the opportunities are limitless

but I know that gaining experience here,

will take me even farther.

Yet, I am fucking terrified

that I will become like that.

I know I ve got the resources, the balls,

the burning desire to

pack up, leave, try something new, different

but what if it dies?

Didn't everyone else vow to grow up different?

Surely they did, and here, today, how many have broken out of that box?

I find it hard to believe that some people

have such small dreams

"I just want to grow up, work in a cubicle, get married and I'll be happy"

is that it?

Ok, some people have simple requirements,

but you know what chills me to the bone?

Forgetting your dreams,losing hope.

Hey Mr.Pan, it won't happen to me right?

Just some random thinking.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

A Lost Message

Going through archives in my phone,

I found this:

"Beautiful ex-boyfriends...sometimes it takes so much,

to remember why they became exes in the first place"

Presumably written in a drunken haze,

yet it's good, cos it shows I remembered right?

Of A Old Grumpy Lady

“The bitch is mad” says my aunt.

“Someone should poison her. Do you want to poison her?
I’ll pay you, just tell me how much you want”

I am oh-so tempted.

It is 4.30am and I am on the phone with her.

I text her because I was worried about my cousin,

who started to text me 30mins ago.

Grandmother is nuts she tells me,
she got back half an hour late and my grandmother was screaming the walls down.

Her new curfew is 11pm.

She wants to move out.

I see her point, but old people do like to nag,

if only to make themselves feel more useful

as the onset

of even older age lessens their burdens and responsibilities.

My cousin unluckily, lives with my grandmother.

Her curfew had previously been set at 3am,

and she may have overshot a bit on weekends but other than that

she’s pretty well behaved.

She doesn’t really talk to me about her problems,

we have normal but not in depth conversations,

and occasionally I play

supercousin by helping her get

out of jams, giving advice on “how-to-explain” and covering up.

So I know that she must be pretty upset to text me at 4 in the morning.

I sympathise, I tell her I’ll talk to the old lady tomorrow.

And I will, diplomatic Libran that I am.

Poor girl, when I was 19 I was living with my boyfriend and

traversing the globe for months at end.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Nana hates me” I text my mom.

She calls immediately “Tell me why your grandma hates you...”


I have just had the discussion(if you could call it that) with her about my cousin

"At least she called to say she was going to be late", I say, "she doesnt go out every single night, and has been good, if her mother allows it, then you shouldn't intervene"

and it has ended with my grandmother shouting,

“Don’t do anything for me, don't ask me for anything, I don’t want to say or do anything anymore since you all say everything I do is wrong!”

“She says that just because I got to do the stuff I did at 19, doesn’t mean Melissa gets to run wild like I did. What the fuck? Look at me Mom, did I turn out bad?”

“Was she crying?” asks my Mom.

“No, she was foaming,” says I.

“Then it’s not that bad, don’t break out the poison just yet”.

Why PMS (sometimes) Sucks

For one week I marvelled at how big they'd gotten

I wore all the tops that I previously could not hold up

Just as I was getting used to them

This morning I woke up

and *poof* they're gone

Back to the airport landing

Bloody Mondays

My Head Is Pounding

"Ewww, whats that?",

I thought when I woke up early Saturday morning.

then I turn over on my back and looked to my right.

"Eww, who's that?

No la, just kidding.

Or not.

I cannot believe that I chucked on Henry.

I would never do that.

Never.

Anyone, who knows me, knows how anal I am

and

knows that never in a million years

no matter how shattered

would I do that to Henry.

That's why I think someone else did it.

Half a bottle of Shiraz

3 sips of Long Island Iced

Bottom 3 inches of a jug of Green Monster(?)(don't look at me man..)

Quarter of a jug of Long Island Iced

A Flaming Lamborghini shared by 3

a few sips of Beer

Fucked me up big-time.

The last time I got that screwed up,

was I don't remember when.

I only crawled out of bed at 7.30 pm.

and when we went to Segafredo last night, in honour of 'The Szuf',

it was all I could do to not barf at the words that spelt alcoholic drinks on the menu.

No, Thank You. I'll just nurse my Banana Smoothie.

Aiyo

You're supposed to post

your Musical Baton on yer blog you dawgs!

and

send it(key word:'baton') to 5 other people(bloggers, with links)

and

5 songs that you listen to alot, not 20.

and

its like a chain letter thingie

and

someone did send you that

Me.

and

I am not No One.

damn novice bloggers...

ok, definately too much coffee.

Woooo Hoooooooooooooooooo

Erm....

Have

definately

reached

caffiene quota for the day.

Which sucks cos I was planning on doing a 'dark' post.

Now I'm bouncing of the friggin walls.

Thank God

Gayle is here for me to piss off.

Musical Baton

No one passed me this Musical Baton, I found it while blogsurfing and thought it would be interesting to find out what other people are listening to.

Total volume of music files on my computer:

2.42 gigabytes, comprised of 542 songs that would take 1 day, 16 hours, 55 minutes and 24 seconds to play through.(is that all?....)

The last CD I bought was:
“Hopes and Fears” by Keane. From Batu Feringghi.

Song playing right now:
Tatouage Blue by Ben Onono.Had to take a Ryan Adams break for fear of over-listening.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Mean a lot or listen to alot? In no particular order...

• “Come Pick Me Up” by Ryan Adams (and Wonderwall & When The Stars Go Blue..it that allowed? Same artist!)
  
• “Dice, ft. Beth Orthon" by Finley Quaye
  
• “Cocoon" by Jack Johnson
  
• “Epoca" by Gotan Project
  
• "Nice and Slow" Usher
  

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:

• Simran, because it would be interesting (but I don't know his email adress so Kok Meng its your job!
  
  
• Peter, dashing Scotsman alone on an island (to give him some much needed respite from boredom, even if its just 5 minutes)
  
  
• Joseph, What do Seranis listen to?Good question eh?
  
  
• Tiger, what serenades you in the jungle?
  
  
• Kok Meng, because I want to make this list of people as 'out there' as possible...
  
  
  

Gayle is deliberately left out cos I don't want to know whats on her damn Ipod(you too Audrey!)

How Nice!

My Boss walks in to see me sitting all by my lonesome

"You okay?"

"Yeah, fine, just a bad mood," I say

In actual fact, its just one of those, unexplainable moods, not particularly bad, just unexplainable.

"Hey, when you go and get Gayle, go to Coffee Bean and have a coffee on me. That should cheer you up?"

Good eh? My Boss contributes to my addiction.

I got them all coffees as well.

Double Shot.

*evil grin

I've also been nominated to help run an upcoming event

its a place that have particularly blur staff.

Why?

"Because you're good at ordering people around" says Boss

"Cos you're a ball-buster, you're good at demanding what you want,and being persuasive about getting it", says Gayle diplomatically.

Yee Har!!

Bitch Mode: ON

Where Do You Go When You're Lonely

Invitations for a wedding

2nd of July

in the Valley

for me

and

+ 1

Can people not exist alone anymore?

Okay, okay ,

I understand it's a wedding,

no one wants to go alone,

and those "couply" people dont want to go without their other halves.

So, hand in your application today!

Just Me

10 a.m. and I've just walked into the smoffice(smoking office)

to find that no one is here

I switch on the lights and a/c

sigh...

no colleagues and no work

its just me, coffee and quiche

Quiche Me, Quick!

Okay, it doesn't look as good as it tasted here

(bad photographer, PMS-sing camera and camp border)

but man was it delicious!

Yesterday, consumed by a sudden mad need to make quiche

I rushed to Cold Storage

Of course I didn't forget my

daily

bottle of wine.

First I made Martha Stewart's Pate Brisee

Then, thinly sliced onions went in the pan

til the kitchen was fragrant with the sweet smells of caramelization

to that I added fresh mushrooms.

Layer by layer

Onions and mushrooms

Shredded Black Forest ham

Grated Colby and Cheddar

Then a layer of fresh peppery arugula

and the cream n egg mixture

sprinkled with black pepper, cayenne and nutmeg

baked in the oven

till I could not longer wait...



Damn good man!

Especially with a glass of chardonnay...

To String Or Not To String

(a follow-up to Overcoming The Need)

Someone said to me a few weeks ago

" I'm applying for the position as a part time lover"

I said, " Sorry, not taking applications"

When asked why, I stated that it's simply to messy.

and isnt that true?

No Strings Attached

such famous last words.

Me, I am at this point in my life where I am

(i say this unashamedly)

completely selfish.

This is what happens when you spend the past 9 years in relationships,

giving and giving.

So now its time for me.

(that's the end of the sentence)

hang on, So now, it's time for Me.

This means that, I will put myself first, where and when I can.

Since I obviously put my family above Me.

I don't want a serious relationship right now

I don't particularly want a boyfriend-type person

I don't want to have to divide my time between the existing and yet another person.

But,

I still need occasional cuddles

I need affection

I need sex

But all these No Strings Attached,

Fuck-Buddy type arrangements are so complicated!

So how?

Yeah, yeah you say, " it's all just for fun"

" I'm always in control of my feelings"

"I won't fall"

" I can handle it"

But what bullshit.

always fucking happens.

Someone always inevitable develops feelings

and then they get all sensitive

and needy

and possesive

and demanding

*shudder*

it ends up being messier and more complicated than any normal relationship.

drives me mad.

to be fair,

some of them work.

Most don't cause it's going to hard to find someone who's going through the exact same phase

and

wants the same things that you do at the moment

and

whom you are attracted to.

Simple.Uncomplicated, life. Why do you elude me?

Work Work Work

Me boss comes up to me today

" Do you have anything on your plate?" he asks

"Just a digestive", says I cheekily

(=

"Why ?? do you have work for me?" I ask

He hands me a pile of papers.

"Whopppeeee, Work, work FINALLY, some work!!!"

I squeal, like a cat that got the cream(not that they squeal..).

"Could have told me you had no work if you wanted it so bad" says he

So, finally, some work to do.

Rather than all this ridiculous blogging.

So now, I'm working (really!)

and listening to music

man,

this Usher guy

always making me horny

Follow me to Pangkor Laut....

See more photos of Pangkor Laut here

He Says, She Says

"Hey come look! Sea lions!"

"Honey,um....those are sea otters,

sea lions exist on a different continent."

True story, happened in Pangkor Laut.

Posing after the last yoga session with Thomas(not that I did anything)

What people do after yoga

Erm...one session with Thomas, and the next day I was walking kang-kang.

Yoga, that is.

He pulled, and pushed

and stretched

and twisted

wah...sweat was seriously 'popping' out of my pores

Power Yoga,

coupled with sun n sea

a fresh tomato soup

some rare beef fillet

a light lemon cheese souffle

and some delicious Pinot Noir

Ensured that I slept soundly throughout the night

and woke up feeling like

I'd increased in height.

She Says, He Says

It is dinner-time and I am hot.

Underneath the table my legs are slick with perspiration.

" I am so hot" I exclaim.

He gives me a sidelong glance and nods.

"Modest" says he.

Of Nature Lovers & Urbanites

I invited my younger cousin to join us at Pangkor Laut

thinking that she being the

fashionista

cool-cat

style maven

posh-panther

Hip(pie) chic chick

(oh wait that's me)

type person that she is,

(or whatever they are calling them nowadays)

she would appreciate it.

I mean,

aren't luxe, beach getaways

always

'in'?

Our taxi leaves Penang at 5 am

We snooze in the back til we get to Lumut at 8

I stretcccchhhhhtch my limbs and say,

" Right, now just the ferry, and we're there!"

"Ferry?" says she, eyebrows raised and alarm creeping into her voice.

Had I been able to see her eyes,

they'd have been widened with fear.

But no,

dark, Jackie-O inspired,

Dior shades keep them well out of view.

"Yes, ferry, 1 hour, why?"

" I don't do ferries, I get sea-sick"

"But Pangkor Laut is an island, how did you expect us to get there?by helicopter?"

"Penang is an island"

she states bluntly, shutting me up.

I hand her an empty garbage bag.

As we enter, the captain cheerfully tells her that,

with a bag that size, she can puke to her hearts content.

She survives the ferry ride.

I bound up the pier steps,

head for the guardhouse

eager to see

the python

that bit dear

Peter

Now I realise the impression it had on my cousin.

First the ferry

now,

snakes?

We headed up to the restaurant

ready to consume copious amounts of good food

then sleep it off at the beach (=

" What are peafowl?" says she

Gesturing to the sign behind me

that says

"Please do not feed the peafowl"

I point out some peacocks and peahens,
that stroll free around the resort.

She puts up her feet up, tucking them in her chair.

When she gets to the room

all she wants is to sleep

but

'NO',

We say,

"how can you come to paradise and sleep the day away?

How can you not want to see Emerald Bay?

Besides, house-keeping coming so we have to be out anyway"

So she reluctantly comes to the bay

Turning her nose up

at the machine that purifies the water in the air,making it drinkable

Nothing impresses kids these days!

When we get there it is magnificent

She finally smiles,

we take playful pictures

Swim...

I am just settling in my deck chair when

a shriek cuts through

the peaceful morning air

"Is there no line here?!!?!!"

My aunt and I had known, but we had not said.

She groans loudly.

We suggest she sleep.

She tosses and turns non-stop

and finally, my aunt says

"What's wrong?Why can't you sleep?"

"The fucking waves are so noisy!"

At this point, I know that it is hopeless.

It still doesnt stop me from trying again later though.

I am walking on the powder-fine sand, sipping from a young coconut when

overcome by the beauty,

the tranquilty of it all

I say," Don't you just feel sooo relaxed here?"

Her reply is a curt 'no'.

The inability to use her phone is driving her up the walls, or in this case, up the trees.

Later when we walk the wooden walkway

set above the water

She walks slowly, gingerly

afraid that the wood will collapse and

the ocean will swallow her up

and hide her in the deepest caves

with the sea serpents.

We have a feast at the Fisherman's Cove

Dining-fine with delicious wine

Her meal ends with an immaculate

Flourless Valrhona Chocolate Cake.

The next morning she's up

happy and bouncy

even coming down

for breakfast early

Thinking she's finally appreciating the beauty

I ask her if she's coming to the beach with me.

"No", she says

"I'm leaving, my friends are coming to get me"

And hence the reason,

the mood's so chirpy.

Wait till you see the water...

I miss this...

Confessions of the Cold Hearted

I went to the hospital at about half past eight

Sat around

Did a crossword

“Sneak me out” mom says, “Take me home”

“Are you crazy?” says I, “No way”

10 minutes later, I tell her I’m leaving.

When I hug her goodbye, she clings tight.

I walk out of the hospital

To my car

I hesitate before I open the door

When I do, I reach in, grab my laptop

And head back up

I’ll watch some stand-up comedy with her, I think to myself

Let her laugh a bit

Before I leave

So I get into bed with her

We watch some Ron White,

Some Mitch Hedburg

Some Tony Woods

We laugh together

And for a moment

Mother and Daughter

Flaws and Complications

Vanish

We are but two human beings

Bound by humour, laughter

“If I die,” she starts, “Will you look after your sister?”

I have been looking after my sister since she was born, 10 years ago, it’s not something I’ll ever stop doing.

“Don’t be silly, you won’t die anytime soon,” I say.

When the last comedy ends

She is curled in foetal position next to me

Asleep

Her head rests upon my shoulder

I turn out the lights

Shut the door.

I have a heart.

Fer Yer Informacion

If you've notice certain similar subjects

being aired in gayle's blog and mine

its because we are soul sisters

(it don't matter to me that she be gay)

So everday we rant

we laugh

we bitch

we PMS

and then one of us says

"I'm going to blog that"

Then it be a race

to see who posts first

Axe Attraction

Isn't that natural?

How would you have gotten with someone had there been no attraction in the first place?

But then again,

there are so many that you are initially attracted to,

and then later, become repulsed by,

so much so that you eventually wonder,

what you were attracted to in the first place.

Then there are the ones that you have no attraction to whatsover

then one day BOOM something 'clicks'

and oh man, do you need help disentangling yourself then.

Some people will stay attractive (and attracted) to you forever.

Some, a short spurt in time

some, never.

He says: I don't get why I'm still attracted to you.

She says: It's okay, cos I'm still attracted to you too.

It's okay to acknowledge that fact.

What matters is where you take that attraction.

Oh to play with fire?

or not?

That be the question.

Some questions need to be answered

if only to prove yourself right (or wrong)

Some....

just need to be left alone

(if you know what's good for you)

Someone Please Shoot Me!

*Rant warning Rant Warning*

(Ooo er, as if the title isn't enough)

Motherfucking Penang Drivers

I tell thee..

they need to be fucking shot

the day is beautiful

the mood was fine

I even went to the hospital

and took someone neutral

to diffuse

my horrible temper

and its effects

upon dear mother

then I had to drive back.

and this goddamn taxi

drove 20km per hour

and stopped for no goddamn reason

in the middle of the road.

one car, once in a while,

its alright

but, in Penang, this shit happens every 5 minutes

no, make that 2 minutes

they turn without indicating

swerve out of nowhere

drive like its bloody sunday, everyday

motherfucker.

I swung around the taxi

stopped beside him

then gave a glowering stare

before I flipped him the bird

in classic Penang style.

Off My Balcony...

The difference between day




and


Night

He Says, She Says

The day I drove Badr & Mayleen to the airport,

I looked up into the skies at the dawning day

and heaved a satisfied sigh.

"It's going to be a beautiful day", I say

Badr looks at the sky, then looks at me quizzically

" It looks kinda grey to me", says he.

morning

So we travelled down

the long

lonesome road

chirping birds, cool air

sunlight glinting

through the canopy of trees

" Maybe you're right" he says finally.

Afternoon

Wisely, I leave it at that.

Alienated by the Alien

No more googly eyes

No more picking up the courage to speak to the

Dragon Lady

No more bringing glass water-Botoi everyday

Gone Gone Gone

One alien has alienated us

In her place,

another alien

who's not quite as alien

As our dear

Number One alien

We will miss her

(We still don't know your name)

NO RANTING AT THE SAME TIME!

*Rant Warning*

Mr.Joseph

won't you please stop copy-ranting me!

He Says, She Says

He says:(my cousins boyfriend) Hey you wanna go hiking, get some exercise?

I say:(before she answers)Exercise? Her exercise is breathing each day!

And Here We Go..Yet Again

*Rant Warning*

I am about to motherfucking blow up!

I am this close to having a friggin fit.

I just walked in through the door,

dropped my stuff,

walked straight to my room and poured myself a stiff drink

out of the secret plastic container that I keep.

Yes, I am not ashamed to say that I have one.

It is precisely for days like these that I have it.

and man is this drink good.

I hate weak people.

I seriously do,

and I'm sure part of it is because
there is weakness in me too.

But what I loathe even more than that,

are people who act weaker than they actually are.

People that try and sound like
they are going to die any second
when they answer the phone.

People whose lives have degenerated so much
(their own doing),

that they only thing they have to cling to,
is attention from others.

People that don't try to help themselves,

but can still continously point the finger at others.

and yet,

I'm starting to believe that some people

are just born

with the inherent nature

to continually fuck up

it's what they do

what they were meant to do

what they are

and that doesn't change

and they can't help it.

It seems to create a balance in the world.

I am 21, and I wonder how can 2 adults
over the age of 40 be

so completely and utterly incompetent?
How?

Few phone calls in the evening told me that
my mother had admitted herself into the hospital.

Her. Alone. No one else.

(the people that were with her had left, and called me)

This is when I call her and she does that weak thing.

I know now's my cue to go to the hospital.

I sit back, I shut it out, I put it off.

My grandmother calls, "are you going?,whats wrong?" she asks

I don't know, I don't want to know, I think.

"you go" I say.

Eventually I reluctantly drag my arse out of the office

( I could have spent the night there)

and make my way to the hospital.

I hate hospitals

I've spent so much time in them

There were the many times when I was younger , with my mother

The many months with Joshua

The many weeks with Kevin

enough for a lifetime.

I steel myself before walking into the dorm

It hits me in a wave

When I get to the room my mother specified,

it is empty, untouched.

I am furious

I wonder if it is one of her ploys

a game

I call her, she had given me the wrong room number.

When she tries to speak to me, I launch into a lecture.

"Your life, you sort it out,

you got into this, you get out of it yourself,

how old are you?

you behave like a child, when will you learn,

when will you change,

when will you learn to stand on your own two feet
and take care of yourself and not depend on others?"

The words spill out in a torrent of frustration.

" I was there for you when you had problems.." she says

"yes, but how long before I picked myself up?,
how long are you going to live like this,

half your life is gone!"

She collapses into tears.

I ignore her and read a magazine.

I am not a cold, heartless bitch,

I'm just tired, I've done this for 10 years,

she just has to learn that people aren't going to
help her out of each and every jam.

I am tired of being the mother.

How much do you throw away,

how much can you lose,

how many friends and family members are you willing to give up,

how much must your life deteriorate,

before you realise

"alright, that's fucking enough?

I need to clean the fuck up,

and behave like a mature, responsible adult?"

Soon after, my grandmother arrives,

She launches into the same lecture as I.

"Don't bother, I 've done that" says I

"I say what I wish" says she

and there, in the private hospital room,

three generations engage in a shouting match.

At the hospital, I am annoyed

by people that honk their horns

at horrible indonesians and chinese having conversations
at the tops of their voices, in the wards

at a malay family of 14

with greasy hair and dirty fingernails

that cramp into the lift with me

Later, things calm.

I pretend I am somewhere else.

The nurse brings medication.

Pretty soon, it hits my mother,

I can see it in her eyes.

I take my grandma to buy dinner.

An angry driver is ramming on his horn, for someone has parked in his way.

The deafening noise jarrs me to the bone.

When I get back into the car

grandma tells me I have to go back out again cos mummy wants some too

Out of the car, in again, out, in, out in

it goes on...

Phone credit for mom,

deliver food n credit to mom,

deliver a note,

take grandma here

take her there.

Try doing all of that,

in a mother fucking Cheongsam and 3 inch heels.

After a day at work,

where you've had an event

and been standing all day.

The Cheongsam was my paternal grandma's.

it's forty years old

I got it altered, and now its mine

these are unique designs

that complement the womanly physique

but are

damned inconvenient

when you're continually sitting and standing(in/out of car)

I feel asthough, in her dress,

I have taken on the persona

of my paternal grandmother

rigid, disapproving, cold

iron armoured Chinese woman

I finally drop grandma home

deliver one last thing.

At times like these,

the Penang driving drives me nuts

I want a shotgun

to shoot

every insipid motherfucker

that cuts across my goddamned path

When I hurtle top speed over the THIRD UNMARKED SPEED BUMP

(thanks to the geniuses that do our roads)

I CAN'T take it anymore

and unleash a raving mad

"MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

in a shrill scream bordering on lunacy.

It's when I get home that I realise that

All the time she was sitting in the car,

My grandma rested her feet on my laptop.

This is what I have to say:

Fuck this shit

On Saturday, I 'm screwing this and going to Pangkor Laut.