Sadness Personified

The family stand at the departure gate
I hug each, walk away (god, I'm good at that), double back

"What?No crying this time?" I ask them

But as I walk off again, its me that starts
silent tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked May, when I got to Amsterdam
cold, dark, wet
completely alone in a strange city on my birthday
"Babe, am I crazy to live my life the
way I do?"

Because she asked me thought provoking questions
' Am I not going to be, lonely? Scared?
No friends, familiarity'

I told her that I've always strived towards
being able to survive on my own out there
to not depend
maybe its my past (probably)

Yet thats not true, I do depend
on the love, the family and friends
I run so far because I know I have a home
to always come back to, people who will always love me

And I'll admit, sometimes I run from
commitment, from having to expose myself
from vulnerability, from weakness

At one point I thought I was searching for home
but now I know its always with me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I leave the city and head back to Schipol
I remember that the last time I was here
(when I missed my flight only to be delayed again)
I nice old waiter called George told me
the chefs in the restaurant wanted to know
"Why such a beautiful girl looked so sad,"
Flattered and touched at the same time.

George told me his ankle hurt
and I meant to get him some minyak angin
but never had the time, but when I
go to just say 'hi', George isn't there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I go to the toilet, discover that my period has come
to be with me on my birthday
how nice
Explains the depression doesnt it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flight back to Cardiff at 10 pm and I am nodding off
I couldn't sleep on the flight to Amsterdam
When I get to immigration
I am stopped.

Then we notice there are complications with
the month on my return ticket.
God, here I was thinking the shit had hit the fan
with my period arriving but that was nothing.

The immigration officer is nice
she offers me a drink
"Will it be alcoholic?" I ask

They say I am cutting it too close
with my study visa, and I am gently interrogated
and my luggage is sifted through

2 and a half hours later, they let me out
with a special study visa stamp for 6 months
thats void if I leave the country before

Imagine that? the whole point of being here
is to travel about, so now this has to be remedied
as well as my flight back
which is completely unchangeable.

I get home at 1.30 am. Sink into the bath.
Fall into deep slumber.

My 23rd birthday for you.