Me Runch

Eating alone doesn't mean it can't be pretty
so today I slithered out of bed at 11
did houuse-girlfriendy things like dust and wash the dishes
then rustled up some lunch
and so, this:
Steamed japanese rice, sauteed zuchinni with garlic and mushrooms
crabsalad with mayo.

Yarmee.
Not a conventional creation I know, but I've been hankering
for this combo for a few days.
No, I am not pregnant.

I think.
Hope.
Pray.
Vow!
Please.
No.

Hey, Hey, Hey!

Lookit! I found a draft I wrote like some 3 weeks ago!

Glasgow Kiss

The title is so not apt but at the moment my head is throbbing
in such a way that it does feel like I've been given one
though my nose is not broken, nor bleeding
there is a pounding, searing heat running down from my
forehead to the bridge of my nose.

I am sitting at Delicious, 1U, outside, even though it is hot
and I don't smoke
there seems to be more privacy, more opportunity to people watch
through the glass walls

That Indian girl for instance, wolfing down her spaghetti Carbonara
like there's no tomorrow, table-manners, my friend!
Coffee, water..not helping. Duck curry, so-so. Service, smiley
but the staff seem to come from a different country with limited
understanding in the language we call English.

I've been here 3 days, half-hearted about interviews because this
island-girl simply cannot face living in this smog-filled, car-jammed
scorching hell-pit (me, drama?NO!)

Every night the girls and I have eaten well, quaffed a bottle of reisling
and basically indulged in emo lamentations about the opposite sex
(that or bimboistic statements that have us all cracking up like hyenas)

This is what I needed, see.

Escape, solace.

It always starts with the Bee, because when things are fine with the Bee,
life is perfection, no matter if the sun is shining, if I am having a fat day,
if jealous cows are spreading vicious rumours about me, The Bee makes it all
seem like nothing.

Oh but when things are bad...lemme tell you.
They are godawful why-the-hell-do-we-bother-just-
throw-me-in-the-lion-pit kinda awful.

So, I had resigned, and gone back to Penang for a week,
then I go off to see the Bee and the first day I am there, he forgets me
forgets I am there,he forgets that I am there solely to see him
I am no longer working, and cant use the facilities so I am like a boxed up
pet in our(his) jungle room.

"Call me for lunch when you go to the canteen" I say,
because he's working and I understand that the only time I get to see him is at his breaks,and that way I wont have to eat alone.
"Definately" is the confident reply.

Later " Where are you?"
"Oh I am at the canteen, sorry, I forgot"

He calls back, apologises, I let it go.
(much later I found out he was talking to a pretty female
receptionist type, during lunch too! though he claims it was about me.)

Later that evening, I call again, I have been walking around the room in circles
out of my mind with boredom.
He's at the canteen, again, having 'tea'.

Maybe I am a psycho-bitch-girlfriend-from-hell who has no right to be upset
that I don't even cross the mind of this man-boy who hasn't seen me for a week, or maybe I am just normal.

So when Blue called to say he wanted to go to Penang,
I decided why not go back?
and driving back it dawned on me that this was the first time I had
willingly chosen to do something else over spending time with the Bee.

Milestone.

So I asked for a break, to sort myself out, get my head around things.
And the


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that is where my draft stopped. Because my girlfriend came
sauntering into Delicious.

"Ja, why can't you just be a good,understanding stay-at-home girlfriend?"
said Zach, half-joking to me when I rained my problems down on him.

As you can tell, all is fine with the Bee and I now,
I have just gotten used to the fact that I cannot go crazy
just because he is working and I am stuck at home
and he..well he's been very good at not forgetting me.

Food P***star

Oooh another half-written draft to share with you!

Written 3 weeks ago, also in KL.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Wah you all, blog also kena, don't blog also kena.

Chun text me today and accused me of ruining her diet.
Kev said something about making him go eat when he didn't need too.
Leyna said something too, and I told her not to make me send her
a picture of Char Kway Teow.

I am at Friendster in KL at the mo, leaving the leisurely
tai-tai like life..but not so tai cos I haven't got paid yet.

So there are all these people around me looking serious on their laptops
in (post)office-wear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finit!

No Adobe

If I had Photoshop I would blog more pics.
But no Photoshop, no pics.
Only cos I want to type on them, but tak jadi lor.
You're soooo missing out. I have Penang Hill trip,
Tg. Jara trip, this trip, that trip...

No one, no one, no wahhh-aaaaaaaaa-hone!

You think its so fun being here, but hello, my privileges
stripped remember?No beach, no pool, no bikini bouncing.

So apparently Beng says I am master at being traitorous and leaving
my country for greener shores...where got?I just want to experience
different cultures what! Its good okay? Good for general knowledge
people skills, self confidence, survival skills, all that good stuff.

So go! I would.

*pout*

What is with Alicia these days? She seems to strain a lot at her performances
big hair, weird outfits and man!the lady got booty!

George Benson & Siti (and me, of course!)

Yeah! Stardom brushes me.

My Feets

It escapes me, my love for this picture.

Today

Today, I feel bored.
Bored because I have nothing to do, except be a good house-girlfriend
yesterday the Bee told me off he actually told me off for not taking the laundry in!
can you belief it?The cheek.

Just because he gives me his tips.
(please get lots of tips today)

So I woke up today, did laundry, sent laundry and took laundry in.
Productivity at is peak man!
And now, now I have nothing to do except wait 5 hours til 9pm
when The Amazing Race Asia is on.
I never got into it before but caught it by fluke last week and
I think its an amazing 1 hour where I get to compare what 'we' would
do if it were the Bee and I, (oh! we would be so much better)
and I get to criticise other girls and fun bitchy stuff like that.

But I really want to join next season, you hear me? REALLY WANT TO JOIN.
for the fun. What do they win anyway?

After that House MD is on, am I going to have a super orgasmic night or what?
If the Bee were actually going to be around tonight
rather than entertaining a group of french travel agents (FEMALE!)
I would barbecue that duck thats been marinating.

(Ok so now you think he's a male host(ess) or something
first tips, then entertaining)

But no,(continued from marinating duck)
it will be a solitary meal of seared scallops and blue cheese bavette.
Oh...must I really wait til then? Sounds so good.

End of pointless post.

Because I Promised

Yeah I did. From the bottom of my soles.
Today I promised my ONE blog fan, who checks my blog for updates everyday
and swears a puppy dies each day I don't update
(I shouldn't have laughed at that) so here I am....updating........

What have I been doing besides the freelance work
the occasional work-for-experience-not-money Pangkor Laut jobs
What have I been doing? What indeed?

Well, every occasion I have on the mainland, (yes I am such
a little island-hopper are'nt I?) I buy meat and
we have a barbie on the balcony of our jungle shack, does that count as something?
That's when we flop on the bed, and sink our teeth into juicy lamb-meat
(ahhemmm..I know that's bad english)
and the Bee will devour..devour in silence

And I, I will shake my head in sheer disbelief that I managed to
cook such a great meal when we have a bare semblance of a kitchen
"Mmmmmm..." I will say out loud, speak the Bee's lines for him
" This is sooo good!, how did you do this babe? we don't even have a kitchen!
You're amazing, thank you!" and then for a whole five minutes we will eat in
silence, then the Bee will grunt "Hmmph, yeah babe," he will agree with 'me being him'
this is great!"

I have actively decided to remain permanently unemployed til after the
'festive season' though depending on the festivities in countries and continents that one
follows, the 'festive season' could last forever.

~~~~~~~~~~

So 2 weeks ago, we're driving in Penang, up to Spice Garden cos I miss it
'twas a beautiful, breezy, sunny, shiny Penang day, the kind that makes
you say "thanks lord, for borning me on this island" when what should happen
to make the day go from good to stupendous(!), but a Spice Girls medley come
on on the radio as we weaved our way down the narrow, bendy,
au bord de la mer road.

Boy, did I really get into that, singing and jiggling my way through
the over-ten-minute musical throwback to the 90s and girl-dom(long gone for me),
WOW, even when we got there I made us stay in the car okay?

Then it was over.
I straightened up, smoothed my hair, my clothing, fanned my flushed cheeks.

The Spice Girls!
Then I turned to the Bee
"Don't tell anyone I got so into that okay?"

Tribute

So you haven't heard from me in ages, but you'll now hear from me more often,
last week I resigned from my job so, current status: job-hunting!

I am doing free-lance stuff of course, gotta eat, so drop me a message..
But here is a tribute to my last job, cos I never had the chance to mention much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had been working flat-out for two weeks,
and who should be on duty the first day off that we get?
Me, of course.

The yacht is like a baby, she can never be left alone, ever;
therefore we have watching duties.

In the past two weeks I have met some powerful people,
musical legend George Benson, son of the current prime minister,
various family members of the owners of our yacht.

I have stir-fried, steamed, baked, grilled.
Gyoza, vanilla custard cream filled choux puffs, lemon curd tartlets,
beef left stewing in the oven while I caught some much needed shut-eye.

Fettucine carbonara, creamy vegetable soup, hokkien noodles,
devil curry, smoked salmon and egg mayo sandwiches,
roast chicken with root vegetables, nyonya seafood curry.

Exhausted.Doesn't even begin to describe it.
But it has been good, fulfilling.

And today I woke up to the Bee kissing me before he left for work,
I curled my body into a crescent around his hips as he sat on the bed to pull up his socks.
He lifted my face to kiss him. “Again”. Then , “One more” he said.
Then he left and I languished in bed for 10 whole minutes more
then got dressed to take the ferry to my own work.

I arrive at 10am and the day is not scorching as previous ones have been,
Cloudy. The person on yesterday’s watch leaves as soon as I come in,
I have the boat to myself, clean out my cabin, the kitchen,
have Channel V and MTV on to wiggle and sing to.

In my mind I plan my solitary lunch, the first one in many moons,
where I can cook for just me, to my whim alone.

I have a bulb of fennel that I picked up
when we sailed to Port Klang a week or so ago, I slice it thinly,
put it in a bowl of cold water with lemon juice, to crisp up;
I save the feathery fronds.

I chop some onion and soften it in a slick of olive oil and butter
from the refrigerator I take some parmigiano,some portobello mushrooms
that will go off if I don’t cook them;
garlic, basil, butter, a hunk of mature cheddar;

A half full bottle of sauvignon blanc, streaky rashers of bacon,
shelled prawns, squid, a plastic container of prawn stock that I made
from prawn shells 3 days ago.

Into the onions I add a cupful of arborio rice, stir to coat with
an even glaze of buttery oil, It starts to pop; in goes 2 ladlefuls of hot stock
I think of how every risotto recipe tells you to keep stirring,
for 20 minutes and how tiresome it is,
so I don’t keep stirring, I just make sure the rice is level, equally moistened,
every now and again I give it a swill, add the stock when it starts to dry.
I do not do this non-stop stirring thing.

On the other hand I am chopping bacon, tearing basil, scattering them over the portobellos.
Some sea salt sprinkled over, a grinding of black pepper, butter, a drizzle of olive oil

Some chopped garlic, then some grated cheddar, lastly, some breadcrumbs, for that slight crunch.

I pop them in the oven.

When the rice is almost al dente, I zest half a lemon,
except I don’t have a zester so I peel of the skin as thinly as I can with a vegetable peeler then chop it up with my cleaver.

Throw it in to the pot with its juice. A pat more of butter,
shavings of parmigiano, the prawns.
I take it of the heat, then add the squid and fennel fronds,
so the residual heat cooks the squid perfect, tender.
I taste and season with pepper.

The lemon somehow lifts the entire dish, bringing out the flavours.
I get the sliced fennel out of the fridge, drain it.
In a pan I put some chopped bacon, dry fry till browned.
This I scatter over the fennel. I bash four walnuts, scatter scatter.
Drizzle of olive oil, then walnut oil. The top With fleur de sel.
Crack some pepper, et voila!

I sit down with a chilled glass of sauvignon blanc, and have one of the best meals ever.

I watch TV then, read some. Food porn, Nigella, Jamie at home.
TV and books in front of me, all on food.
I get hungry for dessert.

Four strawberries, sliced roughly, drizzle of balsamic, pinch of sugar.
'Macerating' in cook talk.
Swirl in bowl. I slice a leftover banana-choc muffin, then toast it.
I put the slices on a small plate, top with the strawberries.

In the freezer I find a tub of vanilla ice-cream that was meant to be
a custard cream filling for pastry that I made then froze when I didnt use it
I put a scoop on my strawberries, then I put on another scoop,
Baskin Robbins butter pecan, I top this whole confection with some fresh mint.

At 2.30 pm I am thinking of dinner. Should I make my favourite lamb cous cous?
Or should I grill the salmon and have it with steamed potatoes and pea puree?
I make myself coffee.

At 3.30 I bake some frozen calamari rings in the oven.
I have a deep aversion to deep frying so whatever I can oven-bake, I do,
even ‘fried’ chicken.

The rain begins to lash down upon the boat. The sea begins to churn.
I stay in the galley, Astro is out, so a DVD instead.
The security cameras give me 6 angles of the boat,
but every now and again I get up to check for leakages.

I have decided on lamb for dinner.

I follow that with a waffle topped with
maple syrup, butter pecan ice-cream,banana, more walnuts.

The salmon on my next watch, on Monday.
Watch lasts for 24 hours. If it went any longer I’d be the size of a house.

Mind The ___

Anyone who's been reading this blog knows that I really like John Mayer
And I am not the type of person who gets fanatic over celebrities
but if anyone that comes close..it's John.

So I am walking in Queensbay with the Bee (we minus-ed the X a long time ago)
and what should I see, but this:

I very nearly swoon and after much heart palpitating action
I rush over to the Bee and some how stumble over the sentence
"Babe, OMG babe!" a couple of times before I am dragging him
through the store (causing everyone around us to stare in interest)
The Bee thinks I have found another "perfect outfit"
until we come to a halt in front of John.

"Ohhhhhh" I sigh, almost orgasmic, The Bee rolls his eyes
"I wonder if its for sale?" I whisper, in awe of his hot-talented-tatt-ness
Bee is not amused and resumes his clothes shopping
I get my aunt, she laughs at me
"Ask them lah, if its for sale" she says only egging me on

So I approach this salesgirl who's been watching me all along
"Is he for sale?" I ask timid, almost hopeful
"Yes!" she says
"OMG, HOW MUCH?"
"Sorry lah Miss, I am just joking".


-_-

Suddenly all these Malaysian salesgirls have a sense of humour.

Wow

Has it been a long time or what?
well luck for you I am sick and my housemate installed wi-fi.
But as I said, I am sick.
So, nite-nite.

Funny I was speaking to Bardy online just now and he said
he always wonders which of my personalities is going to blog..
Could I be more of a woman?

Sunday Mornings

I am checking my mail by the Bee (X) (Who knows the status anymore?)
when he walks by, sticks his head out of the door just as it closes
and says " You better blog something good!"
So, here it is.

The past few days have been calm, maybe even nice.
I still feel like the damage done in the previous weeks is irreparable
but he seems to say 'I love you' more
seems to be making an effort to spend time with me
even got 'me' (actually him) Astro

So I try and banish those niggling thoughts.
I try not to think them aloud.

Was that ever a cure to a problem?Pretending it wasn't there?
I go to breakfast now, with the (x)Bee of course.

Afloat

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am at.
We float, listless, with no positive plans
One minute we are together, the next we are at each other's throats

But for now, we seem to have reached a plateau.

He told me a week ago that he wanted to go slow, capture
what we once had, the anticipation, the excitement
but that was all, mere words..
as if expecting it to appear out of thin air, without effort.

Sometimes I feel like when I am not his, he wants me,
pines for me, pays attention, notices me when others notice me.
But when I am here, in front of him,his, it is asthough I barely register
on the radar, a text, a call,
any gesture that says ''I am thinking of you"
is too much.

These days I look at him and I wonder, "who are you?"
who is this guy who barely notices me, who sails along
oblivious, who thinks i am fine, but rarely asks if I am?

In the middle of the night I lie awake, listen to him breathe
watch his sleeping face, and wonder where this guy is
in the day? the one who loves me, where does he go in the day?

I wonder when he advises his bestfriend on her relationship,
whether it ever registers that she is going to another guy
to help her in her relationship, for attention,

when her partner isn't listening
to her needs.

and how he would feel if I did that.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to be so lonely.

I am beyond putting my heart out there, speaking
my feelings, if they are not acknowledged then
soothing words will be spoken..but no physical lasting steps
to mend.

So I live like this, day-to-day, wondering when the axe will fall.

Yet I know that people his age, in his situation, never appreciate
what they have, they take the world for granted,
they always think they can leave something and that it will be
there when they get back.

It is only when you're older that you learn good things don't come
around easy, that you must work at it, cherish.

But I've been there, done that. I know that people can never tell you,
that you do it, and you find out on your own.

I hate that when I am feeling lonely and I think about whether there's
one person out there, who thinks of me, everyday, its not him that comes
to mind.

I hate that when we go out and I watch us as though from a far
it is me that's clinging to him, and him that lets go.

I hate that where "I love you more" used to be a competition
it is now a blunt answer, tattoed across my heart
Hate that I know how little it takes for this to snap

Yet part of me fights to do what will cause it to end completely
what will help me sever my ties, and still the other part of me
hangs on, skin of my teeth.

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone

to love you the way you do them,

that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.

Rituals

A cup o tea in th UK and a cup o tea here sure don't taste the same.

Someone said this to me today
"So are you still hoping to impregnated by a passing seaman?"
not funny meh? I thought it was.

The XB also said something funny this morning but it didn't stick.
So let it be recorded that something funny was said, just that I dont
remember what.

I also received a perfect frangipani this morning,
it made my day kinda, received from myself that is.

Dolis, my fav chef ever also made me my favorite chicken mushroom
thingee because I am sick

The doctor prescribed antibiotics because I said I have to work tomorrow
and the XB brought me lemon cheesecake.

I think I haven't was my hair in 3 days.

Anyway I shall randomly spew.

I was talking to Frou lastnight "But why?" she asked
"You looked so happy during the weekend wor!"

Then I told her. Then she said "Oh my god babe!OMG"
"OMG..how......?" then "..totally justified"
and I know she and anyone would get me

Nevertheless, its titbollockingly hard to untangle oneself
from a web like this and we want to be there for each other
help each other through this
yet how do we step out of the rituals that we created with each other
how do we create a whole set of new, less intimate ones?

Its like you want it to be over but you dont?
character flaws she said (random)

Search me man. Search me.
Over and out.

Options (Or Down with Love)

I was sitting in the boat today
sniffling, headachy, feverish
remnants of the Bee, the Flu he passed me

Beside me sat this little girl, 6 maybe
lolling about her mother
I actually thought of laying my head in
her lap, while she laid her's in her mother's lap.

I want kids, I want the whole she-bang
In fact if a good-looking, successful, responsible man
(already I ask too much)
asked me to get married and have babies now,
offering a lifetime of support, protection, dependability
regardless of love,I would probably think about it
which is bad enough.

But I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who's considering
that alley.

Examine the arranged marriage.. a lot of them work no?
And these days, who has the time anymore?
Or the strength to go through the whole getting-to-know,
dating, establishing a relationship, planning a future thing?
Why can't it just be there?

I know love takes work, but what if one removes it from the equation
add it on at the end, later?
Surely there are other people out there.
people who don't want to play this stupid game
who just want to put it out there, wants, needs, point-blank
no need to reply if you don't meet requirements.

A friend I know sent me a website a few days ago, ironic.

You'll excuse me of course.
PMS, sick, just broke-up and all that jazz.

Nag Him Into Submission You Say?

Thou shalt not insult my readers dear Bard.

The real title of this post is Points of Certainty

Last night I lay in bed watching a movie alone.
And in it, a few lines stood out.
Someone said
“There are moments that you just have to
grasp and hang on to,
and there are moments when
you just have to let go”.

Another line was “whoever heard of anyone dying of a broken heart?”

One of my dearest friends has been telling me
for years that she and her boyfriend have
no future and she talks of wanting to let go,
yet she is never able, and I’ve always told her
“when the time comes, when you are ready, you will know”.

Points of certainty.
I think of the relationship I had with him now
and I am certain that there is no more to it.

I can close my eyes and take myself to the moment
when the last threads that bound us together snapped,
The smell of the car, the words spat out,
the rush of traffic, the stinging in my heart and eyes.

When my spinning world suddenly stopped and things fell still.
And that was when I became certain.

There is a moment where you are pushed to a point
where you can be pushed no longer, hurt no longer
and I suspect both of us have gotten there sometime
or another.

Its hard to explain, you know this feeling?
When your vision clears, when your questions are answered,
When you no longer wonder if you are making a mistake,
if you could have given more, or tried harder.
You know that everything that could have been done has been,
and that you will have no regrets.

You know, know that this is the full stop.

Telling you the full details would be plain rude and disloyal
so I won’t, suffice to say, enough happened
during our weekend away together.

If anything our differences in personality became glaring,
to the point where I was shaking my head
unable to fathom the way things were done and said.

I remember the last time I felt like this,
the morning I woke up and dragged my ex into bed,
6 am, found certain things that I didn’t agree with,
and packed a barely full bag and left before dawn broke.

All my possessions that I had shared, my clothes, books,
the house that had become mine, I left.

I had left him about a hundred times, but I knew that morning that that was it.
Of course then there was also a catalyst in the form of a
6’2”, golden haired, green-eyed adonis
And this time there is none, but doesn’t that increase the intensity of it?

Points of certainty.
I was walking just now, and I thought of how amazing
it is to go from loving someone so much,
from them being your entire world,
to plain numbness, to letting go completely.

And I remember the last time I was so certain about something,
it was a year ago when I started fighting to be with him,
and I had never wanted anything more in my life
but I guess you can fight tooth and nail and still the universe has other plans.

The only thing I wonder now is how I could have been so sure, so blind,
that I didn’t see, that I didn’t spare myself
and him, and all around us from this.

So that tells me something eh, about points of certainty, that you can dither,
be confused but eventually you will reach them, and even when you do,
the points are never fast, never permanent.

Lumut, Yo!

Yeah, Lumut, that’s where I am based.
Or Lumut-stroke-Pangkor Laut!

Lumut, yo!
Have you ever been here?
Do you even know where it is?

Let me tell you something.
It is tiny. It is dead.
It has not heard of a zucchini.
It has not even seen one.

Most nights I amuse myself with a DVD in bed
And a bottle of wine tucked (clutched) between my fingers
Other times I trudge back to Pangkor Laut (1 hr journey)
Like tonight lor.

I came in the room (6pm), poured myself a huge glass of wine
Because I deserve it
Cut out some brie, some roquefort, some kinda high-calcium crackers
Some seedless grapes, settled on the couch and flipped on the telly.

“Telly”. So British.

The Bee is currently playing volleyball and he will come over tonight
When I will churn out some Char Kway Teow for him and my
beloved uncle-type-person, because we all crave it and
So that I can perfect my recipe.

The Bee.
Funny how I say that because I don’t even know if he is my Bee anymore
Today I was thinking about us a year ago,
And us now
And how much has changed, and how much has stayed fast.
A couple of nights ago we broke-up
I’d like to say we had a fearsome quarrel and broke-up
But it wasn’t even fearsome, it was more like
an exhausted agreement between two people
so tired of fighting with the person they love most
so tired of trying so hard and still unable to smooth raw edges
That they give in.

Sometimes, the Bee thinks I am in love with someone else,
And sometimes I think he is in love with someone else
Though I know that we both know in our heart of hearts that we
only love each other.

The Bee is the type of guy who will think and talk of me to other people all night
But yet simultaneously forget that I am waiting for him
Forget to call, forget to text, forget that I am waiting somewhere to see
Him, and that I must wake early
And I am the type of girl who cannot fathom how someone can say that
They were thinking of me yet not consider that I am waiting for them
Yet on some strange level, I can.

We are fiery, quick-tempered, jealous, stubborn,
Tongues lashing, quicksilver action, insensitive, childish, hurtful
And we know this, yet it manifests still, unstoppable

And now we are close, physically, our differences loom
Cultural, opinions, ways of thought, of action, priorities
And we struggle to find common ground.
We used to think distance was our greatest problem
now, reality hits hard.

So we decided that was that.

And I remember yesterday, this crazy pain.
He had told our families making it more final.

I remember creeping in my cabin at work forcing myself to sleep in the afternoon
Everytime I woke, I would feel the pain jolt, the tears hot and stinging
close my eyes, block it out.

Then I could sleep no more, so I drove
Wondering where to go, anywhere, take my mind off things
KL, Ipoh, home..Penang.

I drove halfway, turned back.

In bed later, we spoke on the phone.
There was no more raised, anger tinged voices
We were calm, accepting, trying to deal with the pain,
The consequences, trying to help each other.

like two people who have accepted a dead-end.

We planned a holiday this weekend, way before
So we decided to keep it, see nature run its course.

Tonight I will try and sleep early (wont likely succeed)
For tomorrow I must rouse myself at 6.

So, you all really miss me meh?

What If

I've lost it?
What if I can no longer blog?

-_-

The Party

Living out here as we do,
the Bee and I can feel really removed from the world
or like we live in a different world, in fact the last
time we went out in Penang, my aunt looked at us and
said " You look like two people who haven't been out in civilisation
for awhile"

So naturally when Sports Illustrated SA and Bacardi held their wrap party here
I started to dress up.

It was when I leant over the bathroom sink, trying not to smudge
as I applied liquid eyeliner
when he swooped past me and slapped my naked butt-cheek
then he collapsed into a heap of hyena-like laughter as I tried to compose
my face and not blink.

Cow.

I Really Miss Your Blog La Wei.

You know what?
Sometimes I really miss my blog too.

But all you guys, who wrote me personally, spoke to me
and said, "Hey what the...? Where's your blog?"
Thanks.

Its like this,
a job came about, seemed to fulfill needs, expectations, whatnot
no big city, no little bit of money, no smog, traffic jam,
no paper work, no crazy deadlines

Instead I have the ocean, the forest, cooking for a small crew and occasionally
a super large group of impressively important people (talk about STRESS)
I have nature, I have grocery shopping, I have baking to shield me
from boredom, and I have the Bee.

Sometimes I wake up to lapping water and sunrise,
other times I wake up with my nose snuggled in a hairy chest
and it is the hardest thing to drag myself out of bed
before the sunrise, to take one boat ride, then a taxi ride
then a ferry ride, then a walk, to the private yacht that I work on.

And most of the time, when I am on the boat, whether stationary or not
I have no internet.
And I, who once lived, breathe and even took dumps while online..
I am doing okay.

No panicked shortness of breathe from withdrawal
no breaking out in hives
no falling to the floor in a fit of..well..in a fit.

I have embraced this small town island living, as I commute
Lumut, Pangkor Island, Pangkor Laut
Penang every 2 weeks for some therapeutic girlfriend and family
bonding sessions (as socially hectic as ever)
and KL once in awhile for some good dining and 'OMG-I-so-can't-deal-with-the-big-city-any-more-because-I-live-in-Lumut' moments.

And it so happened today I came online,
and the Bard he took it easy on me
chit-chat, and nice and light, then he hit me with a
"I really miss your blog la wei"
and reminded me of the rest of the people who tell me that
and I thought, why not?

So he reminded me my blog address, and then left me to it.

-_-

I rolled out of bed yesterday in a dark mood,
thus after brushing my teeth, with no plans
to go anywhere, I applied dark make-up to match the mood


....er...no mood to blog already!

I shall continue later (;

OK, Here We Go

I have just belly rolled out of bed and
I am not a pretty sight.

You know what my problem is?
Double-booking.

Always always the inability to say, 'No, I am busy."
This is why not only am I having lunch with Chun today
but when Daddy text to ask if I wanted to banana leaf I said 'yes' too
and if I am not mistaken, ah May mentioned lunch...

Go figure la how I'll solve this.

Yesterday was the same case, promised dinner with Chun,
then Ana text,'dinner?'

Aja: I'm cool

Ended up incorporating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lemme tell you something, boys, girls and muppets
one of the best, crucial things to have in your life
is a good group of friends.

One who you can meet up with and rant, rage, spew your guts
who will be supportive or painfully blunt
who will make you laugh and cry, who will gasp with
envy, or surprise and say "No, you are not being psycho"

Yesterday I woke up in a rage, I snapped at mom, I snapped
at my aunt, I snapped at the Bee
I growled and pinched my face into a frown,
I took my bad week out on everyone in my path,
crushing insects with my fist 0_0

But then when I got into the car and thought
"Girlfriends!" my mood miraculously eased

I got to the restaurant, Ana was waiting, slammed my
bag on the table and said "I need a drink!"
Ana had already started (=

Then I told the waitress very politely
that answering "The normal one"
when I ask her what type of red wine they have, is simply unacceptable
Then I went to the bar to show her what they had and possibly
teach her how to read.

Cel comes, and we all sit holding in our stories,
everyone must be present before the spilling begins
otherwise, we will have to repeat and repeat

I beg for tidbits of the latest news, I have been away a week
Then as we wait, I can stop myself no longer
and start talking; my bad week, my plans gone down the drain
my fears, and 'am I being irrational?', ' Is this going to work?'
'would anyone else react this way?'

Then ah May emerges and we hug and cry out, dinner winds down
May and I come back to mine, we talk, make good points
point out the differences in each other since we last saw each other
they tell me I am more patient, more the 'woman' now, more domesticated
I say dogshit.

Cel calls and we try and get her to come,
I tell ah may its late and she accuses me of chasing her off
then tries to lure me back to her place
with promises of more alcohol

=)

Thank god for girlfriends! I think I'm going to make a button.

FINE!

OK OK I'll get out of bed.

I'll face the bloody muppets. Do I have a hangover?
I don't know. I only had one bottle last night...

Are You You?

After a full day with Dad and the boys, tired as hell
I rushed over to mom's.

I had told her I was going to see her in the afternoon
but now it was dinner time
when I text to say I was going to be late
she told me we could do it another day
that she knew I was tired
that she could just wash her make-up off
:(

but me being the daughter that I am,
unable to say no to either parent or anyone really
I went.

I take mom to the new restaurant/bar thing at Lembah Permai
the excuse is that it needs checking up, which is a poor excuse for my
being alcoholic.

We arrived outside, the carpark was full, rain was pouring
inside a waitress spotted us and came to the car with an umbrella.

I wound down the window, asked her about the place,
sweet girl, polite and knowledgeable
then she said "Are you Aja?"

Me: How do you know?

"I read your blog."

0_0

Then mummy and I went in and bought cake.

Ugggh

Boys and girls, family and friends, my colossal apologies for sucking eggs at blogging.
I am a failure. I'd tell you to spank me but...uh, I won't.

Well, I've been back in this country for almost 2 weeks
and I must say, this is not how I envisioned homecoming to be.

Initially the plan was that I come back, intern in a commercial kitchen,
open a restaurant; the Bee would come here to work and all would be
fine and dandy.

But it took me coming back to find out that that was not to be,
that my plans were shot to hell, and while the Bee is still in a secure position
I am on tether-hooks because I am stuck here now, unable to do what I
planned for almost a year to do and half-heartedly applying for jobs I don't want.

Shit hit the fan bad and its really hard to be strong and optimistic.

Anyway, I am looking for a job.
And my boyfriend, who I asked to move halfway across the
world to live with me and I will no longer be able to live on the same island together
which puts an enourmous strain on our relationship because of his jobscope.

This is bollocks. But its depressing as shit so I'll change the subject.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday I went back on assignment, Little Penang Street Party this Sunday people!
Come with me.

After the assignment I dropped by at Daddy's where Sean (6) sat on my lap
and showed me how to play his videogames.
After 15 minutes of oohing and ahhing though, I grew bored,
this is when he turned and said "Aja! You're not paying attention!"

Later, Bren (8) came home and during his shower, kept breaking off to shout
down and ask if I was still there and say that he didnt want me to leave.

Sean wants to know what time I am leaving, '6' I say.

Later Daddy brings 7 particularly good durian specimens home and sets to work opening
them, while brothers and I each pick up a piece and skip out into the garden,
walking the length of the grounds til our piece is finished.

"Look at those snails!" I say peering into the pond
"Its a nautilus shell snail" says Bren, matter of factly
"Cool" I retort
"Cool in this context has the same meaning as great," says Brendon on my right
On my left, Ssean pipes in, "Cool means sejuk"
I am so tickled.

We traipse back into the house for more, for every piece he gives us each
Daddy nicks the end bit, the best bit
" Hey! no fair, you cant steal the end bits!"
"You choose... missing end bits, or nothing at all?"
-_-

At 7.15 I get ready to leave
Sean comes up "Aja you can't leave!" He says pointing at the clock
"Its not 6 o'clock!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bad!

Today I went to Island Plaza to exchange pounds and buy cereal
I spotted six people I knew and avoided them all
malaslah with the small talk!
But I spoke to the parking boy, who is forever nice and
genuine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What sign is this? Where my aunt Mill, Nat, my mom's, my own apartment
and home in Wales all coincidentally have the same tea-towels?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok people I am going on holiday, Pangkor Laut (;
eventhough I am fat (made more evident by the girl-friend gathering
last night) and will be extremely self-concious in
a bikini.

Bleh.

Old Times

I meet 6 of the girls for dinner
the chatter is random and multiple conversations are going on
we pass food about and explain each other's situations to one another
we sulk when we feel we are not being listened to because so
many people are talking at one time
we discuss relationships, food, money, the future

Another one calls from Singapore, the phone is passed from
one to another, and we all say our little private piece
first she sulks, how could I not tell her I was coming back?
I tell her no one knew.

She sulks some more.Anyway.
Then she says "Babe, is it good to be back with the girls?"
and I said "Very."

Then I felt bad. One of the others said I should have said
"No lah, not very." But that would have been lying.

Dodgy Bastards

Its so hot that I can sit still and sweat.

Anyway, I was going to meet U-Rod for pre-dinner drinks
when I parked at the Blue Mansion, and since I was early
decided to stroll down to Penang Road to buy
a couple of straw hats to shield my delicate skin from
the sun's damaging rays.

The catcalls started, the strange men I would pass who would
murmur and mutter, I make swatting off gestures with my hand
they mistake it for me not understanding
"Jepun-ah?, Thai-ah?"

Tell me, if I was, would I understand you?
Jeez. I walk briskly not catching anyone's eye.

A guy stops his motorbike and whispers to me
I jeling at him, walk past him, he rides past me,
stops up ahead again, I ignore him
about to lose my temper and tell him to fuck off
when another sleazy wanker pops up and distracts me.

Fucking hell, what is wrong with these men?
How can they be so sleazy, so slimy, how can they
stare so openly, how can they be so fucking rude?
What do they think? That they have a chance?
That some girl they meet on the street is going to be attracted to their
disgusting winks and etc and actually start talking to them?
Its appalling, is this how tourists are treated too?

I forgot about this country, no respect for females.
(Not all of you of course, only the low-class, uneducated wankers)

I quickened my pace, bought my hats and couldn't face
the walk back so I took a langchia back to where I needed to be.

Walked into the pub, and who should I see but my ex's ex.
The one he cheated on me with for a year.

I asked to try the house white and it was bad.
Er, welcome back?

And So, I Am Home

The heat hits like a brick wall.
In the car, mom tells me that my sis is waiting to see me
at break time, at school; we have an hour or so to kill
til then.

The traffic is terrifying, I am no longer used to this wild way of driving
where people swerve as they please,
where lines on the road seem to be mere random squiggles,
where motorists zigzag about revving their little kapchais,
I am not used to the lack of courtesy and when I do drive,
I have to dig deep for combative driving skills.

I take mother to the market and pick out the things I want her to cook;
Crabs, prawns, french beans.

48 hours around the globe and I am exhausted but the sister awaits.

I pass the fruit seller, ask how much one mangosteen is ,
its a gift, he tells me
later, I go back and by the orr kym mangoes, always sweet succulent juicy.

The sister is taller, leaner and beautiful, she kisses me full on the lips,
tells me she missed me, she loves me; I love her too.

I get home to mom's (I agreed to 3 nights),
shower, then collapse into bed.

3 hours later I hear the voice of an aunt,
and drag myself from the clutches slumber,
more aunts come, we eat,
they bitch about grandma, we laugh, we eat again
we watch a movie, then mom slices up the mangoes.

I reach for the first slice, and the moment it spreads on my tongue,
recoil, because it is incredibly sour;
I check myself from spitting it out, flash a wide grin
and turn to my aunts " Wahh! This mango so damn sweet!"
They rush for it.

=D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sleep that night for 13 hours, mom wakes me at 1
"You have to go fetch your sis from school!"
"Same shit, different country!" I grumble

I see Daddy, the stepmom, the brothers
I see the girlfriends, and some KL friends at Bagan.

My heart twinges at a bottle of house wine
quality and price, i could get 4 bottles at least in the UK,
of better quality for what I paid there, sakit hati!

I go back to my apartment, poke around
touch things, the white leather chair that my friends
stole on a drunken night out (;

I buy seafood maggi mee, take it back to mom's,
eat and fall asleep.

Nana wants to go for a drive but I keep putting her off because
I am jetlagged and busy and have been told she is bordering on
incontinent thanks to laxatives, and must line the car seat
with newspaper!when I finally say yes,
I make her promise to not take any; I tell her I'll take her tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I wake late.
Father has gone hunting, stepmom to HK,
I have offered to take the boys for lunch
clashing with my plans to have a sleepover at mother's
with the sister.

I take the kids all to lunch together
except sister only eats chinese, one brother only western
and the other cannot recognise me and keeps calling me
'Auntie'.

The older stepbrother(8) on my dad's side wants to know
if my stepsister is my sister then who is she to him?
"You are unrelated, you are just friends," I reply

Later the younger brother calls me 'Auntie' yet again
and the older one turns to correct him
'No she's not your auntie Sean, she's your sister' then he pauses,
thinks for a bit and says 'well, she's my sister, but I don't know whether
she's yours too.'

I then play with them, balk when my sister,
who at 12 years old has plans for the mall with her friends..
is that even legal?

I take her anyway,then take the boys home, and spend 3 hours
with the older one, helping him do 3 pages of homework
8 year olds have the attention span of gnats
(or maybe all men just do)
he wanted 15 min breaks every 15 mins.

Left to pick the sister, except she wasnt answering her phone
and when she finally got into the car, I told her off
then felt bad, then told her how to manja to prevent from
being told of again by mom when she got home
(run to mommy, hug her tightly before she can say anything
and announce "Mommy, you're the best mom in the whole world!
I love you soooooo much!"

She fails, and gets scolded big-time.

I play Boggle with my aunts, Scrabble, I speak to the Bee
and of his imminent arrival..and then, I finally, go home to Henry
and we sleep (=

4.35am, 2.5 Hours to Boarding

WHOOOO my eyesight is blurring.
Keep pressing the wrong buttons.
Whoa.

Thrilling You with Random Thoughts at 2.30 am

KLIA is quite deserted, or maybe I just found myself a good spot
30 chairs, a huge TV and me stretched out over like 10
(yeah I counted, you wanna piece of me?)

I realised there is now a Starbucks and Dome in the Intl Departure Hall
and when I ordered my upside down caramel macchiato
at Bucks, they guy was quite friendly and nice
same with the guy in the bookstore when I went and bought
'The Secret'- By Rhonda something which my aunt insisted
I procure 2 minutes after arriving because I quote
"You have lots of time to kill and it is the book of the moment
and its sold out in Pg and I want it"

Point is, customer service seems nicer
or maybe I've been away too long
or maybe I am still in 'International Hall'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My nails feel very soft, toe-nails that is,
they hurt, cos they've been steamed in my boots for
like 500 hours

Since I was flying for 10000 days and had lots of
time to kill and Emirates has a superb entertainment list
and system I watched 5 movies on the way here

A Good Year- I liked it, Rusell Crowe is good. France, love etc. Two damn hot chicks.

Because I Said So- funny and feel good, makes me want to watch it with mom
also one gorgeous hunk-of-a-man in it helps, Gabriel Macht WHOA MAMA!

Man About Town- Ben Afflect and Rebecca Romjin who seems to have put
some meat on (not in) her. So-so movie.

a bit of Romeo & Juliet- for the soundtrack and the aquarium scene

errrr what was the other one? Hmmm.

Hmmm.

ohhhh Music and Lyrics! Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore with 5 expressions. Okaylah!

I think there was one more worr, but I cant for the life
of me remember...

Ohh I watched Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette too. I kinda liked it.

Sleepy! Tired to the bone. Wish I could just sleep and get home!
Dammit.

Enjoy the Jetlag!

Said Kev.

Hmmm yeah, I am feeling it. I'll really milk it.
Bleh.
Snippets of sleep, 15 mins, 30, caught here and there
A shower would do me so much good..
what has it been 30 hours? maybe more,
if I try and apply my mind to something as strenuous
as converting times and counting, it might explode
and coat these other transients with grey matter.

I must stink something fierce, I sure feel sticky =D
My head is heavy and I now must find somewhere to lay it.

Wah the weather here quite hot right?

Headache

Imagine this, I am in Dubai it is 5am,
I am personally on GMT,
I am trying to communicate with people in Malaysia
and people in California, with all these different time zones
swirling in my head.

On the flight to KL, I was offered 'lunch' at at 7pm (GMT+8)
and had half a bottle of wine and a martini with it
before realising that on my body clock it was just past breakfast.

I am now at KLIA and I have 7 hours to go
thank god for free wi-fi and mobile phones
and Starbucks.

Need to take a dump though.
Need my own pocket-sized portaloo.

Arrrgh

Wait wait wait
stink stink stink
god you can't imagine the smell
mouldy socks, BO, sweat, grease

WTF am I going to do in KLIA for 7 hours?
and if I come out of the arrivals hall when I arrive then I can't get
back in til the MAS counter opens in the morning
so where to sleep? If I can sleep at all?

I miss the Bee. I want the Bee =(

Swell!

I am blogging from Dubai airport, its snazzy and modern
slightly tacky, a huge mall thats definately lacking classy
clientele; people sleep sprawled on the floor, some squat.
The guy beside me just took his shoes off and was digging at his toes,
I moved seats.

It has wireless internet, FREE, so that's some consolation.

At Birmingham, I was shadowed by a not unpleasant young man
who escorted me to the check-in desk, handing my passport back to me.
There, I fluttered my eyelids and looked frail,
it worked enough that the man at the check-in desk
closed one eye and let my 17KG overweight baggage through with a smile,
I smiled back.

I was then walked through security, into the departure hall.

Goodbye England and Wales.

My flight was delayed three hours, causing me to miss my connection in Dubai for KL
causing me to miss my connection to Penang; since I now arrive at midnight
and the last flight to Penang goes at 11.15pm,
I will have to spend the night in KLIA.Swell. Brilliant. Dogs Bollocks!

Am so not looking forward to THAT.

Home, in Malaysia, but first night spent in the airport.
Bloody bollocks I say. If all goes well from now, I should get
back to Penang on the 7.30am flight, arriving 8.20am,
16 hours after I was originally supposed to arrive.

Goodbyes were hard.
Spent Sunday evening with Leyna, Italian supper
and Ba Orient, then the next day I took her for a short spin
to the chinese shop, gave her the last of my 'exotic' asian cooking
stuff and she gave me a sweet card and some choccies
and I bid her chicken-poxed-ness adieu

(god!people keep fucking sitting next to me and taking their shoes off!)
I've moved again.

Saying goodbye to the family was hard, NMTP cooked my
requested stuffed squids, then after dinner, they gave me
my goodbye gifts, YM started crying, NMTP, Me,
Dadman held fast
next morning, I said goodbye to YM and Dadman
then NMTP drove me to Birmingham, we hugged, teared
then I headed in, heart beating, to face the immigration officer.

My luck with planes and immigration have been shite since last September,
well, at least they aren't blowing up.

The Mother of Hangovers

Maybe they made Sunday the day of rest in anticipation
that a majority of the population
over the age of 20 would suffer greatly from
splitting headaches, dizziness and other such painful ailments
following wild Saturday nights out (or in)
Oh.my.head.