Afloat

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am at.
We float, listless, with no positive plans
One minute we are together, the next we are at each other's throats

But for now, we seem to have reached a plateau.

He told me a week ago that he wanted to go slow, capture
what we once had, the anticipation, the excitement
but that was all, mere words..
as if expecting it to appear out of thin air, without effort.

Sometimes I feel like when I am not his, he wants me,
pines for me, pays attention, notices me when others notice me.
But when I am here, in front of him,his, it is asthough I barely register
on the radar, a text, a call,
any gesture that says ''I am thinking of you"
is too much.

These days I look at him and I wonder, "who are you?"
who is this guy who barely notices me, who sails along
oblivious, who thinks i am fine, but rarely asks if I am?

In the middle of the night I lie awake, listen to him breathe
watch his sleeping face, and wonder where this guy is
in the day? the one who loves me, where does he go in the day?

I wonder when he advises his bestfriend on her relationship,
whether it ever registers that she is going to another guy
to help her in her relationship, for attention,

when her partner isn't listening
to her needs.

and how he would feel if I did that.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to be so lonely.

I am beyond putting my heart out there, speaking
my feelings, if they are not acknowledged then
soothing words will be spoken..but no physical lasting steps
to mend.

So I live like this, day-to-day, wondering when the axe will fall.

Yet I know that people his age, in his situation, never appreciate
what they have, they take the world for granted,
they always think they can leave something and that it will be
there when they get back.

It is only when you're older that you learn good things don't come
around easy, that you must work at it, cherish.

But I've been there, done that. I know that people can never tell you,
that you do it, and you find out on your own.

I hate that when I am feeling lonely and I think about whether there's
one person out there, who thinks of me, everyday, its not him that comes
to mind.

I hate that when we go out and I watch us as though from a far
it is me that's clinging to him, and him that lets go.

I hate that where "I love you more" used to be a competition
it is now a blunt answer, tattoed across my heart
Hate that I know how little it takes for this to snap

Yet part of me fights to do what will cause it to end completely
what will help me sever my ties, and still the other part of me
hangs on, skin of my teeth.

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone

to love you the way you do them,

that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.