Nag Him Into Submission You Say?

Thou shalt not insult my readers dear Bard.

The real title of this post is Points of Certainty

Last night I lay in bed watching a movie alone.
And in it, a few lines stood out.
Someone said
“There are moments that you just have to
grasp and hang on to,
and there are moments when
you just have to let go”.

Another line was “whoever heard of anyone dying of a broken heart?”

One of my dearest friends has been telling me
for years that she and her boyfriend have
no future and she talks of wanting to let go,
yet she is never able, and I’ve always told her
“when the time comes, when you are ready, you will know”.

Points of certainty.
I think of the relationship I had with him now
and I am certain that there is no more to it.

I can close my eyes and take myself to the moment
when the last threads that bound us together snapped,
The smell of the car, the words spat out,
the rush of traffic, the stinging in my heart and eyes.

When my spinning world suddenly stopped and things fell still.
And that was when I became certain.

There is a moment where you are pushed to a point
where you can be pushed no longer, hurt no longer
and I suspect both of us have gotten there sometime
or another.

Its hard to explain, you know this feeling?
When your vision clears, when your questions are answered,
When you no longer wonder if you are making a mistake,
if you could have given more, or tried harder.
You know that everything that could have been done has been,
and that you will have no regrets.

You know, know that this is the full stop.

Telling you the full details would be plain rude and disloyal
so I won’t, suffice to say, enough happened
during our weekend away together.

If anything our differences in personality became glaring,
to the point where I was shaking my head
unable to fathom the way things were done and said.

I remember the last time I felt like this,
the morning I woke up and dragged my ex into bed,
6 am, found certain things that I didn’t agree with,
and packed a barely full bag and left before dawn broke.

All my possessions that I had shared, my clothes, books,
the house that had become mine, I left.

I had left him about a hundred times, but I knew that morning that that was it.
Of course then there was also a catalyst in the form of a
6’2”, golden haired, green-eyed adonis
And this time there is none, but doesn’t that increase the intensity of it?

Points of certainty.
I was walking just now, and I thought of how amazing
it is to go from loving someone so much,
from them being your entire world,
to plain numbness, to letting go completely.

And I remember the last time I was so certain about something,
it was a year ago when I started fighting to be with him,
and I had never wanted anything more in my life
but I guess you can fight tooth and nail and still the universe has other plans.

The only thing I wonder now is how I could have been so sure, so blind,
that I didn’t see, that I didn’t spare myself
and him, and all around us from this.

So that tells me something eh, about points of certainty, that you can dither,
be confused but eventually you will reach them, and even when you do,
the points are never fast, never permanent.