Loneliness, Why Do You Eat Me

Sometimes I lie in my bed alone and stare up at the ceiling
so desperately lonely
bearing an emptiness so intense
that my heart aches for somebody,
anybody.

Then I scroll through my address book
stop and hesitate at potential names
all it takes is an sms
a phonecall

Yet I don't.

Because when I think of everything that it will take
to get to where I want to be
(which is at a comfort level,
where i can just lie in his arms and not have to say a word)
I give up.
I give up, before I've even tried.

Because the thought of
making small talk
getting to know someone again
having to worry about things stuck between my teeth
or
exposing my flaws too soon

the thought of playing the cat and mouse game
stopping myself from picking up the phone to excitedly call
playing it cool
doing that whole pride thing

it just tires me out
the very thought

I want so desperately to find someone that
I can bare my heart to
lay my soul open
that wont play games with me

yet I know so well that
as simple as those requests may sound
they never are
everyone plays a different game
and creating a bond takes so much work

work that I am not willing,
or too afraid
to put effort into.

So I suffer in silence
I bear the loneliness
plodding on alone in bleakness
I distract myself with writing
with friends
with movies
I convince myself that my time will come
and I know it will
the question is, when?

The void of longing grows
the chasm widens
my soul grows so hungry
that it eats away at my heart
tearing my hair out
in an empty room

I know that I am not the only one
in this sea of lonely hearts
searching for a light
to guide them home

I know that there are so many like me
who make excuses to stay in isolation each day
choosing silent desolation
because we're too lazy to get-to-know
too afraid to deal with the consequences of starting something new
too afraid to risk our hearts
too selfish to take on the responsibility of someone else's heart

if all it takes is one phone call
one try
so why is it so hard?