He Says, She Says

He: Are you looking to be emotional?
She: No, I am naturally so.

And seriously I am. I was thinking ..
my heart is definately not open, unprotected
beating in the palm of my outstretched hand

I have a hedge around my heart
this means there are nooks and crannies
everywhere for the tiniest experiences
to slip in
touch my heart
protected from bigger things
open to smaller ones

but some,
some have a fortress
impenetrable.

Smooch

While we were girly-dinner-ing the other day
someone asked me
why I didn't blog the somewhat significant something
that happened on NY Eve

I guess I subconciously blocked it out.

lemme me just close my eyes
and teleport back to D day

Ana and I are sitting on the
tiger print couch talking about what we did the NY eve before
it's her turn and our eyes meet and
widen when we remember.
you see, last NY Eve Ana kissed the doctor
woman. Doctor woman.
Doctress.

erm, yeah.

SO anyways the moment I realise that
I see Ana's eyes light up
she's telling me you're next
and I'm saying don't you even think about it

and spend the rest of the night dancing nimbly
out of her reach
Aja Ng doesn't do girls
not in the slightest way

Clock strikes midnight
we are pleasantly tipsy
on vodka, whisky and Moet

I realised I haven't been kissed
in god knows how long
and think won't be kissed for god knows how long

Ana is my only chance for a kiss

'Ana lets kiss,' sez I
she hesitates, not

We kiss
I spring back
wooooookayyyyyyyyyyy
suddenly I am jolted awake
reminded why Aja Ng doesn't do girls

sorry, taufoo ain't my thing okay
actually neither is it Ana's thing, she just more
adventurous than I

Or something.

Scent of Claus

This morning I was listening to
Fly FM's Shake the Money Tree
and Fly said
"Wise man say: He who shakes money tree often may go blind"

I really hope it wasn't just me laughing hysterically

Then last night I was watching George W. Bush
give a speech on CNN
and he said
" I do have to give you some thoughts...on what I am thinking about"

I watch for at least a minute more
then I turn to my
recently-single-and-in-need-of-a-friend-ex
"I don't understand what he's trying to say" states I

"Neither do I, and I suspect, neither does he!"

Saw Johnson for the first time in yonks, he's like
an enormous, creamy polarbear-dog thing
so cute, this dog who thinks he's a human being.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Woo Hoo Hoo
Last day o work!!
and we're moving to the front office
and they're unboarding the windows
giving me a seat by the window
so that I can see the sky while I work!
Inspirasi konon.

I'm racing up and down the corridor
full-length flowered skirt flying
Gabriel and Stephen
giving me raised eyebrows
you'd think they'd be used to it by now

I have so many reasons to be happy
haven't I? Haven't I?

Think I now have at least 40 hours
of House 2, NipTuck 3, O.C. 3 and John Mayer videos
to send me to orgasmic heaven

It doesnt matter that Stephen said I was fat this morning
(yes brilliant way to start the day, and end the work year)
thank god he said it before I had my coffee.

I have been summoned for god knows what
300 farking ducks
dammit, any of you got connections?

Maybe this is payback
for the time the cop let Ana and I off
scot-free, after speeding at 170
nothing, no bribe, no summon
unbelievable right?
All I said was "En. bagi chance"
and he waved us of
and we followed him incredulously
unable to believe
then he waved us off again.

A whole week of nothingness!
What shall I do?
Help daddy cook, collect angpows and gamble
and scent of claus, of course.

Happy Chink NY people!

Blame Bleh

"Do you think I am pretentious?" he said the other day
as he poured me wine at our sandwich lunch

"No, why would you say that?"

"Well, If I am pretentious it's your influence,"
he states in a matter-of-fact tone

WTF?

"I don't think it's a problem if you know when and where to do what,
like you knew I wouldn't judge if you brought wine for lunch,
yet had you done it with the
wrong girl she'd have thought you were really damn kau wannabe or something."

And that doesn't mean that one isn't being themselves
if they mold their conversation and actions to fit
the company of the moment,
it just means that with different groups,
you allow different facets of yourself to show
by fitting in with different levels of society etc,
you open yourself to a different worlds to inspire,
show you new perspectives and tap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He tells me it's partially my fault his girlfriend and he broke up
I say don't you dare blame me
it's wonderfully fine and dandy if you're gonna be truthful
tell her that you're meeting me in a group
but how did you do in the reassurance department?
not well at all judging from her insecurity and reactions.

Beef it up, bitch.

Indralia

Today an Aussie out-back boy
told me that he damn misses Banana leaf rice
I told him to have an Indian wedding then
It would be fun.

Wouldn't it?Wouldn't it?

Nama Saya Bunga

Other titles for this post could work
like "I Am A Drunkard", "She's Only Happy in the Sun"
or "Liquid Lunch"

but I guess the chosen one works
for those in the know and to be slightly cryptic

Last night, while I was tucked into Henry
thoroughly engrossed in NipTuck 3
a FMP dropped a CD by
for my listening pleasure it seems

So this morning I pop it in the deck
barely managing to fit in 2 songs
before I got to work

Lunch time.
I'm driving home
when one of my absolute all-time favorites plays
Ben Harper's She's Only Happy in the Sun
So I call
" Wei, you know this song?Did you get it all on your own
or is it influenced by moi?"

No, sez he. It was all him.

"wow" says I
damn favorite.

So then he asks where I am going

"Home. For lunch."

"Oh?what's lunch?"

I'm really not hungry at all, thanks to a huge mother of a
dimsum brunch, but I rattle off my normal lunch
"Sandwich or salad..see lah"

"You can make a good sandwich meh?" oozing doubt

Kanneh. Damn rude right?

"Of course!" I exclaim
How.Bloody.Soon.They.Forget.
who got you into food in the first place?Huh?

So then you know what he says?
"Make me a sandwich, I'm coming over and I don't mind mayo."
*click*

and I am left sputtering, first they give me a skeptical
'can you make a good sandwich?'
then they invite themselves for lunch and have
the cheek to tell me that they don't mind mayo?

So I go home, I make 2 sandwiches
in case I get hungry
He arrives, chilled Argentinian Chardonnay Semillon in hand
I start to feel a bit more forgiving

"Wine?It's lunch time!"

"Yeah, we're celebrating culture. Not our's, but the French, Italians, Spanish.." says he
uncorking like a pro

First bite. "Mmm.."
Second bite. "This is damn good."

"Well, how could you have expected any less?" says she

We talk food
we gossip
he dissects the sandwich
two mustards, japanese mayo, rocket, arugula, rucola
"What did you do with the onions?"

"I was too lazy to saute so I microwaved in olive oil" I say

"Lazy bitch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The thing about being chinese
(half or otherwise)
is when you drink, you get as rosy as
well a rose, really
haha
can you tell I've been drinking? CAN YOU?

So anyways, I stride briskly into the office
quarter to 3
No one will notice, I tell myself
I sit down

Stephen walks in
"Why are you so sunburnt?What have you been doing?"
before I can heave a sigh of relief
he says "Hang on, you're not sunburnt, youre rosy!"

"Yes, Boss, I've been drinking. Business lunch."

Bleh!

*edited* below, at 6.54 pm

This Monday is a far cry from last Monday
where I was doing this

Now I'm back in the office
and I have to wear a bra.
Fucking hate em'.

Which bar steward invented bras anyway?
Ah yes thank you
New York socialite Mary Phelps Jacob
1913
women have been suffering for that long
almost a century of this shit strapping our chests down

Well thank god its not a bleeding corset
that would turn me into a hermit.
Crab.
Yeah it would make me crabby too.
Speaking of which, one pinched me
in the sea
last week
in Langkawi.

What is crabby?Why is a crab " crabby "?
" I'm sure it does not have emotions nor will it be
able to show any through it's exoskeleton and multi faceted eyes.
So what's crabby ?"

Said Daddy when I chided him last week
for being crabby.
______________________________

Today I received a slice of cake
from a gracious someone thanking me for getting them a job
White chocolate cheese
Sweet cake.
Why doesn't anyone ever call me that?
________________________________
7.01 pm
So, this morning I rose at 7.30
to hurriedly finish work
that was supposed to be done over the weekend

I was ordered to attend an all-girl (specified) dinner
tonight, it starts in 4 minutes

I am still a work
tap-tap-tapping my feet
waiting to present the new baby to the Boss
who is in a toe-jam of a mood today
the designers are in a panic
they keep sticking the pages of the mock-up upside down
I keep walking in and telling them
to redo it
One's hard disk just died
I can see them, nervous, shaky
which only serves to awaken those feelings within me

I cannot wait to get to dinner
I cannot wait to get to the alcohol

Oh! Figured out why my bra is so tight
(this one normally isn't)
Bloody PMS innit?

Hello Sunshine

And so she lay on the mountaintop
and read The Time Traveler's Wife
yet again.

Why The Fuck Do They Keep Burning The Coffee?

There is a bird with wings of a deep aquamarine blue and a breast so creamy white
pecking barnacles on a rock just beyond the shoreline

I am sitting here, by the quaint little Sampan Bar
it takes barely a handful of people
they chat easily, enjoying the evening cool.
My glass of white wine at the hotel bar
costs me a hefty RM8.80 (claimable)
It is just after sundown.

Ahead of me, the sea is a glassy calm
I went swimming, just
A fiery-haired girl and I, we waded in at the same time,
barely metres from each other

The sunset blazes directly ahead of us, casting the ocean as a thick golden liquid
The water is so still it is eerie, and we peer into the shallows,
sweeping the sand-bed for lurking monsters.

She is as tentative as me, I think,
and as I think that she glances at me then smiles covertly into the water,
I know she has just seen the same in me.

As I dive into the water,
she gives up, turning back and heading for shore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 am
We are filming the Kok Marina.
The coffee at the resort is a burnt, bitter disappointment
so, when I spy lavazza at a café here I am elated
Further inside I spy a sign advertising wi-fi
suddenly I am so excited I think I am going to pass out
I have not touched the internet in 2 whole days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10.30 am.
I am cha-cha-ing to Smooth Operator
on the wooden walkway that zig-zags over hundreds of crocodiles
basking in a viscous soup of green algae
We are at the crocodile farm.

Ian tells me to walk the ‘zig’.
“I’ll film you from the ‘zag’”, he says

The farm is a buzzing hive of activity this Monday morning.
Seriously, it is.Really.

For someone who woke up at 7 am on a Monday morning,
my spirits are unbelievably high.
Iridescent.Luminous.
So good, that it puts the fact that it is Monday to shame.
Monday, you cannot touch me, not today.
Hah.

The skies are a clear, cloudless bright, brilliant blue
Lush green hills soar majestically around us
It is very hard for me to be anything but joyous on a day like this

The crocodile show.
There are about 10 tourists watching
I feel bad for the performing boys, sticking their arms into the gaping jaws of huge crocs,
no one seems impressed,
no one claps, so I start
Another viewer takes on but that’s as popular as it gets.

The MC narrates in a horrible drawl,
enunciation and intonation sorely off,
I want to bitch slap him something fierce
Twit.

I skip around the farm, earphones in, singing out loud,
in my own world, oblivious to the slow trickle of tourists.
Pools of sunlight dance across the pathway

I pass the snake enclosure and
am momentarily panicked when I see the huge python within
Snake enclosure, duh!, I tell myself
I have never been afraid before
I think Uncle jangkitkan-ed his snake-phobia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4 pm
The heat is positively scorching.
I am hung-over and completely stoned from drinking
nearly 3 ¼ a bottle of wine and absolutely no sleep the night before
Hair-of-the-dog!, I think

So I order my classic afternoon drink,
dry vermouth and 7-up, a lemon twist
I coax altar-boy Gabriel into having one as well
Ian and I exchange looks as he sips
Slowly but surely, we are corrupting him

I tell them that the clock tower at Kok Marina
should be called Cock Tower

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Caucasian boy of about 4
scoots around all by his lonesome on the dock
Somehow he reminds me of myself at that age
I try to speak to him, but he is moody, staring out at sea,
brow furrowed into a frown

It is only later when he sees my angled camera that
his face breaks out into a smile.

8.30 pm
Ian, Gabriel and I are having dinner
Ian regales us with crass stories of everything
from smelly balls to unorthodox hotel kitchen practices
At on point he points to his nose and tells us he was born
with a deviated rectum
I laugh, loud and hard.

His poker-face is awesome.
There are moments when I want to shield poor Gabriel’s ears.
The loss of innocence.
Hell, sometimes he doesn’t even know what we’re speaking of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours
uploading pictures and text
I'm wasting valuable beach time
and seriously busting for a crap
All this free-food is doing wonders for my
bowel movement.

Not that you needed to know that
but heck I might need to refer
if for some reason at some point in the future
I need to chart the history of my craps.

Title is my only complaint.
That and the eleven mosquito bites on the right side
of my digestive coloured right leg.

.

I love swings.
There was no one to take a picture of me on it though
so you'll have to imagine me on it.
I'm wearing a pink skirt and pink top
yes, it's girly day!
my hair is in pigtails.

Somehow, this kid reminded me of me
all lonesome and pensive

I Betcha Wanna Slap Me

Well come on, admit it.
you're slogging away in the air-conditioned office
or out in the scorching heat, rivulets of sweat pouring down your
brow and soaking into your office-wear
smog, sweat,cakey make-up.

And here's me.
Positively gloating
with my sun, breezy, sea, island, duty-free alcohol, pics
the entire week.

Heck, if I were you, I'd wanna slap me.

Truth though?I wanna come home
and I've never never never wanted to come
home from Langkawi before.

Sunrise Off Ma Balcony

Down, But Not Quite Out

I'm speaking to one of my favourite male persons
on the telephone.
(who says telephone anymore?)

He is very very very down.
Hung up over some child who really doesn't know
how to appreciate a good man
when he comes around.

I want to slap her
heck, my whole family would probably
give her one tight slap each.
Biartch.

'I should be around you right now, you're so chirpy', he says

Chirpy, m'dear, is an understatement.But I don't tell him that.

'Have you heard Love Song For No One?' he asks?

I sing it.

He tells me that he met a girl last night
danced with her
but forgot to get her number
he tells me he judges too much.

I tell him we all do
'Relax a bit la, don't look so hard, it'll come'.

'But it's so hard, half the girls...they're..'

'Such posers?' I cut in

He laughs, 'Yeah. And the rest, they're just..'

I butt in again, 'Ho's?'.

(=. Kidding la. Kidding.

' So, was she hot?This girl you danced with?Chinese?'

'Yeah, chinesey.'

'What?Eh Chinese is okay, chinesey is not. Don't jatuh standard
just because you're desperate okay!'

' But I've sort of dated a chinesey girl before...'

'What?When?Where?How? and how could this have slipped by me?'

'Well Ja, you know you..'

'What's her name?where's she from?'

'Ja, if I tell you., don't laugh okay?'

'Okay, I promise.' I say solemnly

'Her name, was Beyond.'

Ahhem

I'm sorry to bug you but have you ever had the feeling
where you damn kau super want to piss
but you're just too damn lazy to get up?

So you sit and tahan until you're
just about sure that you'll
damn super kau farking burst if you don't go right this second
then you dash?

Happening.
Right this second.

Some Emails

Sorry la I had to blog this.
Your average mass email between my girlfriends and I
________________________________________
Blek!

Ninz how was the meeting with cute guy?
did u roll around on the extra seats?
was he as ugly as u feared?
did u cough phlegm all over him when laughing?
did u did u did u??????????

Spill, girl, spill!

aiyah, i am gonna spend saturday nite all alone
cos Mr.Man's stupid fren is having a wedding
n only gave invitation for ONE
ciplak case, man.
anyway apparently, all the frens also same case
come alone, no date type
el cheapo!
as if lah i wont give u angpow
now even worse, i shall curse u
for being inconsiderate
*curse u curse u curse U!*

so
Mr. Man will go for the dinner
n i shall stay at home alone
and
wait for him to come back.

bet its gonna be a stupid boring cina wedding
with alot of ugly people.
__________________________________

Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 12:58 PM
Subject: Re: Who wanna watch geisha???

6 tickets for Geisha, anyone?
_________________________________

2 tix for geisha for me
ehh Jules ask wanna go bagan for drinks today?
__________________________________

I'm cool with Bagan
Cept I got a play til 10.30
I'm cool with Geisha
I'm cool with anything
Heck, I'm cool period.
____________________________________

And then it became complicated
conversation centered on men
and some got upset
typical!

Mute

NO VOICE.
Cannot.Farking.Sing
This is pure torture!

And Yet Another

I think today we're getting
real time updates
because
I'm too tired to concentrate on anything else.

*badabing badabong*
Bouncy bouncy! This is what lack of sleep,
copious amounts of coffee and an empty office
devoid of Tenacious D does to you kids

Woke up damn early this morning
slept damn late
the sunrise was magnifique
took a pic but forgot to bring le camera to upload
later.

What a glorious day, what a wonderful mood
Early early, got people sms and ask me if I'm feeling better already
so nice
Thank you.

Then early early I also sms people already
may have been a tad too kooky
for a non-early bird
May not have been so appreciated
but heck, live with it.

I cannot breathe through my nose and that's just plain annoying.
*sniff sniff*

I'm just going to be random okay?
Yes yes it's my blog anyways.

And besides, next week I won't be blogging
for a whole week
so you might as well make the most of these
nonsensical posts
or save one for each day next week.

Just now, (as in 5 mins ago)
I had to sign 40 CNY cards
and that's no fun
a fun-fact about it though
was that none of my signatures looks remotely the same.

Hmmm I was just thinking
You know when people like you
but you're undecided,
but enjoy their attention anyways?
then you bask in it
feed it ever so slightly
but when you decide hey, I want it
the person is long gone

We take things granted, assuming that the opportunity will wait til
we are ready, forgetting that somethings
present themselves only for a brief moment
and that we are lucky that these moments even exist
make a choice to leap, or not, and be sure about it.

Well, it's not just people
it's all sorts of things
moments, oppurtunities in life
we leave too much hanging
when we should
think about it once and for all, rationally,
then if it's worth it
grasp it before
(as immortalised in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding)
the moment just passes you by.
________________________

So my boss and I are at this morning meeting
and I am just eating, totally zoned out
come on la, its the E&O, I picked it for a reason
Omelette, sausages, baked beans, hash, muesli, yoghurt, figs

He talks, and I ponder the weird way his eyes focus
I'm not sure if it's a deliberate point to not look
at the person he's speaking to
(more intellectual mah, if he's looking upwards, sort of like riffling through
the many shelves in the library that is his mind)
or if he just can't control it.

I gently nudge the wrapping up of the meeting
the buffet is closed after all
but even that takes an hour and a half.

We go to the Mercedes showroom
we look at cars
"Test a Smart for Two?" the lady asks
Boss looks at me
"No we have to get back to the office, piles of work!"
The look is now slightly puppy dog
I give in, I'm such a sucker.

Zoom zoom zip
the car's not bad.

We get back into his car.
Madonna and Gorillaz playing
and me, here I am still in Anita Baker and Sade phase
Cannot.

I cajole him into lending me his CDs to copy
he asks what I'll lend him in exchange
Anita does not interest him
John Mayer! I say
great. He gives me
Gorillaz, music to match my kookiness
in return I give him I'm so depressed I want to kill myself.

Oh yes, I do see that raise coming up right about
never.

He says he's hungry
I say we just ate.
He says I did, he didnt.

We enter a rundown Hainanese Chicken Rice place
on Chulia
the food is not too shabby
I love the old-worldiness
(basically NOTHING has been changed since who knows)

We start to speak about his past
He tells me he was Malaysian Young Journalist of the year
sometime in the 80s
before the Star was shut down
at a time when journalism was passionate, raw, aggressive, independent

I am enthralled, captivated by a place in time
that I'll probably never experience
Going undercover, real exposes, writing to give the people a voice,
the truth
They weathered threats and the like, they worked around the clock,
they scooped, and sourced and fought for stories.

What is it now? Writing to sell, writing for business,
leaving out so much because you're afraid that people will come
after you, stop advertising with you.

That's just sad.

Eh? How did I get from happy happy bouncy tra-la-la
to sad?

Michael Buble Sang It Right

What I really really wanna do right now,
is go Home.

I'm so sleepy.

Last night I watch a Thai horror movie called
Long Khong.
Yeah , I'll bet King Kong.

As far as horror movies go, it was pretty darn good.
As in effective, did it's job, you know what I mean?
The viewers though, well, let me just say
the movie silenced the overly chatty
butt-cracks exposed group of
Chinese Ed teenagers in front of us.

And heck, anything that can do that
has gotta be good.

Thanks Ai Chun.

Blardey Server

Is Down.
Do you know how much it sucks when your
server is blardey down
and you just know know know
that you are missing out on
(hmmm let me see 3pm, the email count should be 80)
an endless flurry of emails between The Girls?

Fark the Duck.

Blardey frustrating.
I have sooooo much to say.
And no outlet.
It's censored you see.

Same as what I said out loud (really really loud)
at the mamak last evening
didn't seem so appropriate when it came out
and people gave me the look.
Priceless.
But cannot repeat here, what to do?

Server damn kanneh man.

Saya Memang Tidak Bleak

Bleak
That's what she said when we wrote yesterday
that lately, I've been just a tad
bleak
and he agreed
and no doubt many more will.

But heck, I am only human
I have my good patches and my bad
when I am down and hypersensitive
and when I am happy and up there (far far up)
in the clouds.

I guess the past week was a down week
my problems, my friend's problems etc.
with the looming one year of singledom anniversary
(which is not necessarily a bad thing)
plus I am sick
cannot help it mah.

Anyhoo, just when it's needed
duty-free alcohol and a private resort beach beckons
just sucks that it has to happen
the very week that
Big Daddy Dave and Aussie Cowgirl May
arrive.

And I won't be here.
Boo Hoo Hoo.(No, really, I mean it)

Back to my point though,
I am not bleak!
Hah, if you could see me now
belting out Anita Baker's
"No One in the World"
coffee mug in hand
shoes off...

you probably would ask for earplugs too.
Is this why I am always alone in the office?

Gederlumpens

My nose is blocked just so that I can't smell the
scent of my coffee
but not enough so that
it blocks out the smell of the office boy's
BO.

Lord help me.

I also realised while strolling in Botanical Gardens the other day
that when I pass them sweaty people
I hold my breath for a good 10 seconds
that happens with most people I don't know actually
unless I'm comfortable with you
and know your smell
or am uncomfortable with you
because I know your smell.

They have moved the aliens to the back
of the office (or front depending on how you see it)
and I am to move to the front
but the front is not ready, thus I am stuck in
the middle, which is of course my original place
except, now the aliens are closer
and I can hear them
chitter ching chong chinese chatter

Very bad. Very annoying in a buzzy way.
My Boss walks up, and sits next to me

" Steve, can I claim earplugs from the company?"

Dear Diary,

Today I feel as though I am walking
around with my head in a glass fishbowl
(swimming around, in a fish bowl, year after year)
I'm coughing and feverish and my chest feels like a
half-empty (thump thump)
drum filled with phlegm

I feel like a bat's bunghole.

All I want to do is bury my head in the sand and die
But on the upside,
I'm really glad that I have people to
at least call and text to see if I'm okay
yes, even the indian-givers
Thank you.

The Picnic

It was all good,
til the monkeys surrounded us
despite me doing my best to hide the sandwiches and whatnot
in the bag
This one big guy came
stole the drinks
and stared menacingly at us
while the kids screamed frantically
and I just screamed back at them
just as frantic

then it rummaged through my bag
and I thought bloody hell
my ipod, my camera, my keys
then some knight came and saved us
and it was all good again.

In Response To A Question Posed

Late night someone asked me, what counts
at the end of the day, in a partner?

I guess at the end of the day
its not about who looks best
in other people's eyes or on your arm
that counts,
what other's say or what one's lifelong 'perception' of what their
partner should be.

Me, I've always had my 'idea' of the perfect man
and I've seen it change so many times
I've seen myself getting attracted to people I never thought
I would
but the more I got to know them,
the more appealing things became.

Its about the person who
gives you great big belly laughs,
doesn't have to say a word but
knows exactly what you're thinking,
who you can lay entangled with, in silence
and not worry about what to say next
to fill the moment
because the moment is already overflowing,
it's about comfort, respect, trust, stability
and knowing that here, you are home.

Fine

You know, there's a reason why
there are the words
"fleeting and profound"
in the title of my blog

because right now, I feel great again
barely hours after
I found my soul in confusion,

I've somehow regained balance.

This afternoon so many people
said "Come to Mambo, everyone will be there, surely damn fun one"

Kan seductively crooned "Mamboooo" in my ears
over and over again
Plus I kinda really do miss partying with King Jinh and Queen Joyce
Hell, even Joseph called
and Joseph, he don't call that often
and me, being me, was so very very tempted
so very much.

I momentarily forgot
that less than 24 hours ago
I wanted so desperately to be home
and I
very nearly booked my flight there this evening

then I took a step back
and checked myself.

There will be other oh-so-fun Mambos
and taking my brother and sister
for a picnic on my free day
will be far more fulfilling than any Mambo
can be,anytime, most of all, at this point.

I need to find peace within me
I need to sort things out with me.

I had already made plans with the kids last week
so when one called to reconfirm (yes, children check their schedules these days)
I knew that the last thing i would do
was disappoint,
no way, not the kids.

So I did what I know calms me best
made a date with me.

I mentally checked my fridge
I went to the supermarket
and filled my basket with the missing things
2 bunches of rocket
a loaf of rye bread
4 heads of cos lettuce
crisp, cool japanese cucumbers
and a bottle of chardonnay.

I came home
set the wine and a (clear) glass to chill in the freezer

Then I swept to the balcony
and flung open the doors.

The breeze rushes over me
cool, light, gusting,
blowing at my barely a day-old, ultra feminine, pretty skirt,
delicate, swishing of taffeta, unfurling around my hips
no concrete jungle, just the ocean, the skyline coming alive
the sunset glinting off the sea
"Look what you would have missed" is the first thought
that runs through my mind.

I set myself free from the spine-trap that is my bra
plug my ipod into the speaker-dock
Anita Baker does her stuff.

I start to mix a salad
caramelised onions, rocket, cos, roast chicken,
sweet cherry tomatoes
I boil eggs, then run them over with cold water when they're done
to make deshelling easier
I chop onions for the egg salad
yes, my regular meal
today embellished with an open faced sandwich
but the repetitive actions, are so therapeutic.

The egg salad is ready
A thick slice of rye
spread with dijon mustard
egg salad, spiked with raw onions, patted on
topped with alfalfa
then layered with mortadella
set on a platter, chicken & rocket salad on the side
chardonnay in a frosty glass
dinner is served.

Awhile back, someone told me
that I am too strong on the outside
and too soft within.

It is a fact
that I so readily admit to
sometimes, I try and control myself too much
what I do, my feelings, my actions
it may not be in keeping with the
'going with the flow' concept
but it does, above all things,
keep me sane.

I analyse myself, the situation
and I decide whats best, for the moment
to protect myself,
because if I don't, who will?

So, this is why,
at times
submission, faith and trust
are not the best of options.

This is why, I stop myself
when things get too confusing, complicated
and potentially hurtful
I turn around
and draw a circle around myself
keep myself safe
because the feeling of complete, utter, vulnerabilty
is too much to bear.

Yes I know, these things are uncontrollable
but I do my absolute best
because already, I've been burnt
and I've experienced again and again
that what and how I think and feel
is most times a far cry from what others do.

So here I am, always, always strong
sometimes impassive on the outside
but my heart,
what can I say
my heart is like an entity on its own
it betrays me, traitorous bitch
bent on milking every last drop of emotion
commanding me
"You will feel it, eventhough you have no reason to, eventhough it is completely absurd"

Oh but I digress.

Dinner with Aja and I
a brilliant DVD in the player
feet up, glass of wine in hand
what could be better?

Even when life seems to be
so complicated
there is so much to take pleasure in
if you only look,
and isn't that the very brilliance of life?

Excessively Pensive

I was thinking ,
I don't gamble very much at all
I don't drink in excess, til I pass out or forget what happened
I don't do drugs
I don't work so hard that I forget my life
I don't party so much that I forget my work

Maybe the one thing I do do in excess
is feel
I think too much
I allow every little thing to inundate me
my heart gambles for me
which is sometimes good
and other times bad

It's good, when the rich blue of the sky
and beauty of the day
distracts me from my book

It's bad when I read the news
Its bad when I analyse life, love, hate, friends, relationships

Sometimes I hope to much, sometimes I have too much faith
when I shouldn't at all
and yet I know that this is me

Appreciate every little thing
dive into every moment whole-heartedly
In this life, disappointments abound
love teems
It's really just about where you look
and how you look at it
I know all this

Yet, suddenly I am fumbling in darkness
Its a feeling of vulnerability
that I cannot blame on anyone but myself
worse yet, that I cannot control

Coming Home

All day I longed to come home
somewhere comfortable
somewhere safe
where I didn't have to put up a facade
where I could just be me

When I walked in my front door
it's just past midnight
emptiness surrounds me
emptiness fills me
emptiness engulfs me

I have been strong for so long
that I forgot what hides under that
I forgot why

Its the hardest thing to let down you guard
its even harder
to be reminded why it was up in the first place.

My Men & I

Sometimes
when my headphones are in and my music blasts real loud
I forget that I work
alone in the office with 4 men
of varying ages and personalities

But other times
when my headphones are stolen
I am cringingly reminded of their presence
like now
when they are chattering on about
"Ian's bungholio fuzz"

Today I came jauntily in from buying lunch
and stopped in my tracks
to find the four staring at me, at the door
stern, serious looks upon their faces
it figures, hard disk failure
or some man-shit like that
not my fault

once in awhile
the attention of 4 men
can be uncomfortable

like 5 minutes ago, when gayle sauntered in an exclaimed
"Babe, you're wearing a bra!"
for no apparent reason
Attention turns towards my chest
"Thank you Gayle, thank you very much."

Langkawi, next week, 5 days
just me and these men
gosh.

Its Friday. Yay.

First Gayle ditches me for lunch.
Then Ana ditches us for tonight's do.
Ditch ditch ditch.

Pretend I'm a divot and stomp me into the grass
why dontcha?

And So..

I am walking through the al fresco area
of Gurney Plaza
it is 9.30 pm and I have my 'infamous' (as Mr. Joseph calls it) blanket
tucked surreptitiously under my arm

Then I bump into Webbie Dong
"Hi!" I greet enthusiastically
She eyes my blanket
and before she can finish saying
"Aja, you're not going to watch a movie alone again are you?"
I cut her off with
"I've got friends!"

She looks around me, eyes searching for more.
"I have no food on me, I already ate!"

my reputation precedes me.

Broken Flower

Have you ever watched a movie
where as it ends abruptly and
the credits roll
you just sit there completely utterly
dumbfounded
then burst into hysterical laugher
because you cannot fathom how
any one on earth could have made such
an incredibly pointless, slow, mind-numbingly bad movie?

Well, obviously I have.

Did I miss something?Thought I.
But to even attempt to analyse it
......
I'm still blown away by how bad it was.

People, do not go.
I repeat, do not go.
Bill Murray, Sharon Stone, Chloe Sevigny
my rump (of shall I say hump?)!!

They bluff you one!
I mean they're acting la
but

The reviews, they lie!
just don't go.

Unless you're an amorous couple
who just need any excuse to..you know...
"It was so boring we had no choice but to make out!"