Fine

You know, there's a reason why
there are the words
"fleeting and profound"
in the title of my blog

because right now, I feel great again
barely hours after
I found my soul in confusion,

I've somehow regained balance.

This afternoon so many people
said "Come to Mambo, everyone will be there, surely damn fun one"

Kan seductively crooned "Mamboooo" in my ears
over and over again
Plus I kinda really do miss partying with King Jinh and Queen Joyce
Hell, even Joseph called
and Joseph, he don't call that often
and me, being me, was so very very tempted
so very much.

I momentarily forgot
that less than 24 hours ago
I wanted so desperately to be home
and I
very nearly booked my flight there this evening

then I took a step back
and checked myself.

There will be other oh-so-fun Mambos
and taking my brother and sister
for a picnic on my free day
will be far more fulfilling than any Mambo
can be,anytime, most of all, at this point.

I need to find peace within me
I need to sort things out with me.

I had already made plans with the kids last week
so when one called to reconfirm (yes, children check their schedules these days)
I knew that the last thing i would do
was disappoint,
no way, not the kids.

So I did what I know calms me best
made a date with me.

I mentally checked my fridge
I went to the supermarket
and filled my basket with the missing things
2 bunches of rocket
a loaf of rye bread
4 heads of cos lettuce
crisp, cool japanese cucumbers
and a bottle of chardonnay.

I came home
set the wine and a (clear) glass to chill in the freezer

Then I swept to the balcony
and flung open the doors.

The breeze rushes over me
cool, light, gusting,
blowing at my barely a day-old, ultra feminine, pretty skirt,
delicate, swishing of taffeta, unfurling around my hips
no concrete jungle, just the ocean, the skyline coming alive
the sunset glinting off the sea
"Look what you would have missed" is the first thought
that runs through my mind.

I set myself free from the spine-trap that is my bra
plug my ipod into the speaker-dock
Anita Baker does her stuff.

I start to mix a salad
caramelised onions, rocket, cos, roast chicken,
sweet cherry tomatoes
I boil eggs, then run them over with cold water when they're done
to make deshelling easier
I chop onions for the egg salad
yes, my regular meal
today embellished with an open faced sandwich
but the repetitive actions, are so therapeutic.

The egg salad is ready
A thick slice of rye
spread with dijon mustard
egg salad, spiked with raw onions, patted on
topped with alfalfa
then layered with mortadella
set on a platter, chicken & rocket salad on the side
chardonnay in a frosty glass
dinner is served.

Awhile back, someone told me
that I am too strong on the outside
and too soft within.

It is a fact
that I so readily admit to
sometimes, I try and control myself too much
what I do, my feelings, my actions
it may not be in keeping with the
'going with the flow' concept
but it does, above all things,
keep me sane.

I analyse myself, the situation
and I decide whats best, for the moment
to protect myself,
because if I don't, who will?

So, this is why,
at times
submission, faith and trust
are not the best of options.

This is why, I stop myself
when things get too confusing, complicated
and potentially hurtful
I turn around
and draw a circle around myself
keep myself safe
because the feeling of complete, utter, vulnerabilty
is too much to bear.

Yes I know, these things are uncontrollable
but I do my absolute best
because already, I've been burnt
and I've experienced again and again
that what and how I think and feel
is most times a far cry from what others do.

So here I am, always, always strong
sometimes impassive on the outside
but my heart,
what can I say
my heart is like an entity on its own
it betrays me, traitorous bitch
bent on milking every last drop of emotion
commanding me
"You will feel it, eventhough you have no reason to, eventhough it is completely absurd"

Oh but I digress.

Dinner with Aja and I
a brilliant DVD in the player
feet up, glass of wine in hand
what could be better?

Even when life seems to be
so complicated
there is so much to take pleasure in
if you only look,
and isn't that the very brilliance of life?