Milestones

Milestones.
Can sometimes be a lot less tangible than the word would make them seem.

A milestone can be reached though nothing is said, and nothing really done
through other gestures that seemingly do not relate to a subject at all
through a thousand subliminal non-reactions.

Put before me today, two paths. I chose the one of hope.

On a less serious note on a Wed, no, sorry, Thursday morning when one
has been partying madly the night before til 4 am with one's 'girls'
eating talking crying drinking drinking dancing dancing dancing dancing
"Lower, lower, lower!"
and one is now at work, existing on four hours of sleep,
trying to finish the first chapter that was due last Friday
was supposed to be done last week..yet one is surreptitiously blogging
in a mini min window..

Well yes, on that less serious note:

People who walk diagonally across crowded zebra crossing really should
get their knees knocked in.

Wankers.

Happy Thursday. Not.

Wait.. and still, with lack of sleep, knees, thighs, calves sore from all
the "low, low, low", still I immensely enjoyed my walk and IPOD time this
morning and found myself grinning into the trees, bopping on the
sidewalk to Lil Wayne's Mrs Officer.

So yeah, happy, happy!

Tired

Today I'm tired of being caught in the middle
I hate that I have to battle my own, my partner's, my friend's feelings
that there is no pleasing all at the same time
that no matter what it will be awkward
that one or the other might resent

I wish that it could be simpler, that people cared less, or more
that we could go with the flow; accept, forgive, forget
either or.

This is me today, caught.

I Do Not Like It

I do not like it when my flesh touches the skin of Cornelius the II because the slit
on my dress allows it to.

I do not like it when outside the weather is brilliant and I am in.

And now I have to go for a meeting.

Bai.

Being Me

Today I sat down and tried to write for work.

And I realised that in the past one or so years,
I have forgotten that before anything else,
I used to write.

I sat under the harsh fluorescent lights
boxed in by office walls
completely uninspired.

I used to think writing was something that came naturally,
not something you had to train yourself to do
but now not writing has become a habit
and it seems to take so much more to do it.

I still write in my mind, fleeting paragraphs
that never make it to paper

this is the kind of realisation that saddens.

And so I left, took the walk I seem to take less
and less these days.

It occurred in phases, first to take the back way
so as to not bump into colleagues returning to the office
after a meeting

then crossing the road...beep..beep..beep of the green light
at the pedestrian crossing
I fall into step with the bristling army marching
on the five foot way
together we brace the traffic, cantankerous on the pitted
tar, shimmering oily steam

and slowly, as I walk, its as though the thousand and one
thoughts swimming in my head, its as though.. they swirl and
float, converge at one point, and slowly, they separate
become clearer

I think of J.K. Rowling inventing the Pensieve
how I want one.

To be able to separate each thought, scrutinise each in turn
to be able to make them, clear, clean, defined.

Now I am at Jalan Alor, bustling, a lady sits on her own
at the plywood table, huge durian in front of her
pile of seeds at her side, she is lost in her own world.

I want to be her.

Steam billows from stoves and giant pots, there the vendor and his
plump bananas, his mangosteens, I always think they look
like asian breasts
here, the woman with her cucur udang
glistening red tiger prawn skins, shucked onto the table
while this couple cleanse their palates with green papaya salad
the roar that delivers 'wok hei' and chatter of people selling
ordering, recommending fills the air.

This, I think is how one is inspired to write..
If I could stop here, sit here, think here, right here

here, I could write you that stunning piece on Peranakan
cuisine, here I can think, I can put those thoughts on paper,
I can be inspired.

The four walls draw nothing but blanks.
Uninspiring work borne out of the uninspired.

My march has slowed to an amble
as my mind runs away with me,
I think of how this walk, used to be my wind down,
my wake up
and
how the smallest break from what is now the norm can inspire

I think of Frank Herbert's quote,
"Without new experiences, something inside us sleeps.
The sleeper must awaken."

How true how true how true

My boss asked me the other day, "What are your plans this year?"
"My plan, is to remain in KL, in Malaysia.."
was what I said. Not "to make manager etc etc."

And anyone who knows me, knows what a feat that will be.
I've been here a year.

When I told D, he said "That's right, baby steps."
so true.

Everyday D and I battle traffic, we do our routine, and as immensely
comfortable as it is, I wander how much 'routine' I can take, how long
I wonder if my quashing this need to soar, see more of the world
live out of my comfort zone, if its healthy?

I wonder about us, he tells me me he worries that I may become
bored, I tell him my worries are the same.

But they aren't really. They are different shades, categories, area codes
of Boredom.

He worries his routine will bore me
I worry, that myself as a woman will bore him
because when 20 people tell you something, it seems quite
foolish to ignore.

But I go into it knowingly, because maybe it's worth it,
and maybe people deserve the benefit of doubt.

And my becoming bored of routine?
As a simple walk has demonstrated, just doing
something that veers ever so slightly from the norm
opens up your mind, inspires things, exposes you to
something that makes you question, makes you smile
maybe even, makes you write.

I just need to shake it up a bit, just a bit.
So my mind doesn't dwell, doesn't stagnate
doesn't rot, wilt, go stale.

Now I reach the stairs.
The old man who makes his bed here, is not here
His bed, thin cardboard box, opened up,
is.

I am glad, last time I walked by he exposed his nuts.

I bound up, then its mossy drain coverings, squirrels
darting in the trees above.
Moss! Don't you love moss? I do.

For that fairytale quality that it lends everything
for softening, prettying the edges of my world
for filling my little world right up, right up, rigggggggggggght uuuuuppppp

Another bout of stairs, four flights, I am home.

Now, I shall swim.

Ramble over.

Space.

Let this be a reminder that I was very happy on Friday night.
Chilled out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So D and I are watching TV, world's most shocking videos or something
and the narrator is talking about a 'rabid fox' that
scares a whole bar full of people

"But baby, how can a rabbit scare a bar full of people?"

-_-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have nothing to tell you.
Except Friday officially marked the stonest day in my life
ever.ever.ever.

Thanks to cake.

I sat next to May Foong and told her that I wanted a giant, juicy peach.
:D

Saturday I dragged the uncle to the zoo.

Saturday night was a superb night at No Black Tie
featuring Dasha Logan and Adil Johan
who did a superb rendition of Will.I.Am's 'Heartbreaker'

I also hung out at the bar with Caring eating
deep-fried oysters and drinking dirty martinis
while she regaled me with the calorie counts for EVERYTHING
like, exact number of calories in champagne... :0

Then we went to Zouk, which I am well and truly sick off
I mean I like it when its me and my girlfriends and we're
dancing and not being disturbed or chatted up
but of late...

not doing it for me.

Dowan to talk already. Beh shiok.

Ms Pudgy, Thats What He Calls Me

Yeah huh, this is me, trying to resuscitate the blog.

Got a new man friend, domesticated could be a word
used when describing us.

Yeah, huh.

Two anal peas in a pod. Oooh that sounded gross.

We were walking into the lift lobby today, bogged down
by groceries, bags and laundry
and just ahead a 'ethnic' family of three
bolt towards the lift
my eyes widen, D, turns around, widens his eyes
whispers, "Hold your breath baby!"
as we round the corner to meet them.

I step into the lift, surreptitiously hold my breath
the lady looks at our laundry and murmurs
"Oh! we forgot to go to the laundry!"

I give her a bright smile, say "Hey, it's okay, we forgot yesterday.."

We get home, D says
"They forgot to go to the laundry?, Don't they do their laundry in the lake, baby?"
:0
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She cooks! I do, I do. More often now.
Like, 5 days a week, because I am a coolie.
Yeah, huh. C-O-O-L-I-E.

Yesterday I made lamb with vegetable stew and cous cous
possibly one of my favourite dishes in the world
also one of the dishes that photographs worst in the world
especially when said photographer just WANTS TO EAT!

I don't know if Mr. Chinaman enjoyed it as much as I
(yes! a chinaman, can you believe it?
*rolls eyes* don't keel over and die, please...
enough people have done that)

So in fairness today was fly lice day.

Yay!No, really, YAY.

And thus I leave you, first post of the year. Maybe more to come.

Blogging Bizness

I'm getting real bad at this blogging bizness. Aren't I?

What's happened? Time happened. Life happened.

Updates:
I've started dating again :0
Its been nice, good, exhibit A is the sweetest guy on earth
swear to god, he works hard, takes care of his family, cooks for me
advises me to be patient and make up with my mom, he's stable,
for want of a better word

Exhibit B is funny, I laugh nonstop but he may be slightly obsessive
psycho

Exhibit C and D: they are cryptic, I don't know if they are just friends
or they like me

Exhibit E likes me but its just a budling. I hear he's a nice guy

Exhibit F, is sorry.

I've moved to a new place, today got a SUPERSINGLE bed.

Its strange, though the be has recently made a reappearance in my life
for a few weeks, life was devoid of him and I was ok, good, great even.

I finally said 100% over and stuck with it.

And in that time, I've done things that I never thought I could do without the Bee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My birthday this year was better, than the two years before (day alone in Amsterdam, stuck at Cardiff immigration for 3 hours, stuck on the yacht in Phuket)

I got more birthday wishes than I ever had, got 3 bouquets of flowers
got great dinner with girls, lunch with guys and superb turnout at the bar.
But I was tired, and bad, snuck out of my own party at 1am.

Some say I am the worst birthday girl in history (;

But I was happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can see KL tower from the new place, and sometimes, I just don't know
if its mist, or haze.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sick today, flu, cough, dreading the morning meeting.
I love Pei Pa ko.
It should be drizzled over ice cream with crunchy cookie bits strewn over.


Fading.

Overflow

I was walking (or shall we say bouncing, almost skipping) to work today
brimming with this crazy, crazy happiness that has engulfed me
its mad, psychotic even
then...I saw a dead kitten at the side of the road, eyes open still!
moment of sadness
but then the happiness sprung back!
Mad I tell you. Okay gotta go and meet the man himself
king o'shoes.

Reminding Me of GB

Stepping out of home today, they sky was ominous, low;
perfect day for cuddling in bed, or wallowing in a broken heart
or eating a huge motherfucker of a bowl of beef noodles
as I told someone

Arriving in the office, I announced "Did you see the weather out?"
"Its dark and damp and dreary!Just makes me want to go out and play!"
to this I jumped up and down,
then turned my heel and skipped from my colleague's office.

Outside, the trainees have collapsed in a fit of giggles.

What am I, a freak show?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
huge, big argument with someone online
reduces me to tears
we make up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blue and I meet for lunch
I take him somewhere new, he commends me on my find
throughout lunch, he chatters, incessant, giving me ten different
microshades of the same subject
I subtly raise my eyebrow, half listening
"What, am I rambling?"

and later as we link arms and fall into step
he says one thing, and I will not listen, then 5 mins later
echo the thought, and he'll say 'But I just said that'
and I'll say "You did?"
put on repeat

We talk, we walk, there is no hesitation about crossing roads
its automatic that we are, so we just scurry, no checking with each other
at the door, we unlink, not stopping, separating
"Have a nice day!" I say as we both disappear out of peripheral visions.

And then I came home to poo.
I did it!

Good Morning World!

This morning my alarm buzzed, 8.10am
I leapt out of bed, looked down at my sleeping self
and shouted
"Yoo-hoo you! Time to wakey wakey!"

Wakey wakey time indeed. Thursday is it?
So says the computer.

Didja know that a simple 'I love you' goes
a long long way? Long long long.
enduring the cloak of midnight then seems a slight bit easier

And I did, fell into this warm hazy sleep
one where I woke up at 5 and thought to myself
'oh, I've been dreaming of him all night'
but, you know, I am not sure if I did
a thought out of habit but not fact.

Le weekend is within reach and the presence of people
that love me and that I love is making me
SO excited.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CH is the new coordinator in our office
and god knows, we've needed one

Besides the coordinator, we have an ever-changing flow
of trainees (sometimes called slaves)
One could say it's hard to keep up with their names

So there I was, standing in front of CH the other day
giving her direction
and as I turned my back when I was done, I heard a whisper of
little voice
"But my name is CH, not YS"

:O

I apologised of course, but now I never hear the end of it
ask her to do something and the retort is
'Do you know my name?'
the polite version of 'What's my name bitch?'

Sometime when the pace heightens I will yell for her
four cubicles over
"CH!CH! Minute please!Quick!"

She will rush over just as I find what I was looking for
"OH, um nevermind dee"

Flushed from the rushing "Fun is it? Is this fun?You find this fun issit?"

'Hmm, yes, fun , fun'.

:D

OK shit I am late.
And I didn't eve n take a crap :(
Gotta go to work!

Ghost Town- The Specials
Have you heard it?
Makes me think I am a wend-y snake in the shower

Oh! She Blogs.

Oooh yes, I am attempting at least. But heck, its been so long
it seems weird.

So, whaddya need to know? Social life has picked up, somewhat largely

Pain and confusion, no less, but no longer dwelling I guess

Lest my ex-ex whoops my arse and bellows down the phone at me
and tells me I am 'a pathetic wreck of a girl that was once so much
more than this, that he and _____ wanted to spend their lives with'

*sheepish smile

my relationship with my ex has become so convoluted and cruel
that even the highs that once made it all worth it, exist no longer
I could never go cold turkey so we continued to talk
(for my benefit, his generosity in helping me get better..yeah)

Thus lines, got blurred and again we found the guy who'd look me in
the eye and whisper sweet nothings, but a split second later be chasing
another skirt

Its not the flirting I mind, I do it too; Its the fact that you can't trust some people
to draw the line just there. Especially not when lying is their nature and they are
proud of it.

ah well, hand someone a gun and you get shot.again and again and again.
especially lethal in those that take pleasure in your pain.

And I'll admit, I would have spoken to him still, except he said he'd rather
speak to a girl he might have a 'slight attraction to' and only met a week ago,
than me.Bummer. Ah the sweet blossoming of new love (= !

When I think about it though, it's my fault, my stupidity and blindness
Best I woke up and smelled the roses around me
Best I woke up and saw the possibilities
Best I shrugged off the quicksand that drags me down

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving alone then =D
Life is good, work is a fast-paced consuming bitch, but just what I need
after-work hours a so much of a whirl that one must pencil in rest days
holidays coming up, quarter century coming up,
love, companionship, mutual affection, respect and trust coming up
the only thing bugging me is having to find a place to stay come end Sept
and the fact that there are too little hours in the day
and the fact that I miss travelling and my first instinct in a situation like
this is to throw caution in the wind and get out there.

But no, grown -ups have responsibilities, to stick to their word,
stand by their commitments etc etc

Thus one must be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The outcome of recent discussions and experiences for me is that
the perfect man to appeal physically and intellectually to me must:
be a breed of Caucasian-Asian, or Asian with a larger-than-normal Asian physique,
having lived some length of time in the west and acquired a worldliness
and certain libertine qualities, some sophistication, and a healthy sense of humour

or if half-Caucasian he must have grown up with core asian values instilled
respect for elders, relationships and people, selflessness, sense of duty
and the courage to standby one's word yet still have the other qualities listed above.

Or something.

But hey! when does it ever turn out the way you think?
And when is love ever rational?
The above statement being my comeback when people remark on
what a fool I've been for the past 2 years.

Over and out.

Not Happy

No lar..babe, not flaunting.

Currently there are a few good days in a vast sea of doom,
those are what I blog about, because my life, the pain
the turmoil within my heart, I just have no words
no way to write about.

When the x left for his hols, I found out he was lying
that whole thing about looking me in the eyes
and lying within the same breath as saying
'I love you' and I never questioned it, I fell for it so wholeheartedly
yet it was instinct that made me query

so I wrote him, told him I was done with him
he made very feeble attempts at apology
then I wrote him again, then text him told him not to
reply because I felt I would get over him better
if my mind bred thoughts of him with her

So for so many weeks he left me, without an explanation
and then when he was due back
I found out he wasn't even going to try and see me
and I found out he had flown to see her for the weekend
and so I went to the airport for answers

I waited 3 hours before he appeared
and he said yes he had flown down to spend the weekend with her
no, they were not together, no they did not sleep together
he spent the night with me, holding me, just being us

But the morning after I woke up with this strange feeling
I demanded he show me his camera
and in it of course, was a photo of them in bed together.
spooning.

He claims they didn't have sex, but after all the lies..
and isn't that worse anyway, that its emotional and not sexual?

He told me he couldn't fix me, he said he could never let her go

I said 'how can you ever have a proper relationship with
someone if you are going to have such an unorthodox friendship?'

'either tone it down with her, or have the guts to try with her, but
don't go wasting other people's time, effort and emotions'

he said maybe he would eventually go back and try with her
then later said, no, their friendship wasn't that way

then he says something with the gist of 'I guess I'll stay single forever'
meaning he will put his 'friendship' with her above having a relationship
with anyone

but what remains, ultimately was that he couldn't fix me, because he wasn't
going to let go of her, couldn't be bothered about my pain, yeah he held me when
I cried, but thats a bullshit part time job, he just couldnt make the effort
to put in more to soothe the pain that he caused.

I told him it was over, so it shouldn't matter, he says
but heck, he never tried to make it better then because
he already knew he was going to see her, and didnt want that
to change.

She's not even here. He clings on to this fantasy of her, and bypasses
everything that he has in reality and that truly kill me because I
have fought to fucking hard for him, I have bled so much, and still
I continue to bleed

I somehow still believe that within this monster is the person
who once begged me to love him forever

I have given him everything I am capable of giving and I am
shell-shocked and crumbling at this
I don't know what to do with myself
with my bleeding heart

I want to kill him, but I want to kill myself
but I could never do that

I don't understand how anyone can have the conscience to do this
to someone else

I don't understand how he can still tell me he loves me
yet keep causing me this pain

So yeah. Thats me this week.

My colleagues have been super, they come up to my desk to
talk about work, I turn around tears streaming
and they keep focus on work and talk through work ;D
Pete is super.

Week Four

this week has been hell

Kraftgraifx + Lapsap @ Palette Palate

I've been wanting to go to Palate Palette
plus its in the hood, and I walked pass it a couple of times on the
way to Nero or NBT

But today was the day, and I was determined to go
so I asked KJ, but the lamer said surely no girls
then I looked at the 'Maybe attending' list on FB
and there lo and behold was Mr Allen

Thus I procured his number and reeled him in
and the rest as they say, is history!

This was basically a vintage/funky apparel sale cum DJing by Lapsap
very bohemian chic, in a totally unique, cool yet homey setting
plus barbecue

Palate Palette's walls are all pieces of art from friends
the chairs and tables are a mismatched hodgepodge
its is an incredible location
and scrabble friendly too!

Yes, the most unlikely of acquaintances

Allen set me loose upstairs, crammed wall to wall with racks of clothing
shoes, bags, sunglasses, accessories
retro disco and reeking ciggarettes

I eventually had to go downstairs and hold out my hand to him
and say "Daddy, I need more cash"
this being the first time I've seen him in KL

The cupcakes, tres cool, the uncle snoozing at the back
cooler still

Strawberry mojito!

nobody knew who he was...

Allen & Slim, co-owner of PP

7 fab purchases for RM380
and then I said lets go to Neroteca for dinner
since its down the road
who cares if I was there Friday?

Sundays

What has become my regular Sunday routine is
Me Day
wake up, decide on somewhere nice to eat
go with a book, lounge, relax, savour.

I woke up today with a huge dimsum craving,
thought about inviting people but couldn't be bothered to wait
for them to come to town

So I set off, book in hand, to Imbi Palace
sat down, ordered tea, har kau, siew mai, some stuffed duck pastry
and pork ribs
And while families and friends teemed and buzzed about me
I savoured, devoured, solitary

Then I walked home, stuffed
took off my clothes, got back into bed resolving to not eat again
today

But then, Lapsap and Allen says "Lets go El Cerdo"
eventually I suggested Neroteca since we didn't have time
to order the El Cerdo specialty in advance

and boy,,, Nero did not disappoint
Teca outdoes Vivo no question

Oven-baked asparagus and manchego topped with speck and truffle oil

Parpadelle with wild boar ragout (sauce iberico)
this dish was stupendous with tender juicy nuggets of wild boar
and basil, made me want to bring daddy

my regular ham & mushroom tagliatelle with additional broccoli
Funghi e Prosciutto
always delumptious, always al dente
always rich but not cloying

the crazy good deli meats, think prosciutto, mortadella, salame

And so, another brilliant Sunday. (=

Reprisal-Gin Soaked Bar Room Queen

Re-Introducing Pete/Blue, one of my closest male friends
who has been an absolute encouraging rock in these
past weeks

last night he came and got me in a taxi
(so I didn't have to get a taxi on my own and would be safe)
handed me the sweetest card telling me that despite
the last three weeks I am chirpier than ever
and that I should keep my chin up
then he ran out of space
(;

He thinks I've lost my super-anal edge
that I am zen and chilled

So off we went to Terrace bar, then into Velvet
but the thing about Pete and me is we start off the night
superb, but when we start to drink we somehow veer in
different directions and thus towards night's end
I ended up partying with BZB and his gang
and thats when it all went downhill

I started with gin, vodka, champagne, and with BZB progressed to shots, vodka
shots, whisky, champagne

I know they brought me home, but I have a gap in my memory of coming
in at the gate, of coming upstairs, of coming in
I remember sitting under the shower making sure my
hair was washed
I remember making indomee goreng with peas
corned beef and garlic sausage
I remember chicken-onion soup after that
but I don't remember coming in!

Anyway I love this pic cos it looks so happy.

Woke up at 11.20am and was mighty proud of myself
for sleeping in so late

Kraftgrafix/lapsap sale at Palette after a business meeting @ 3
then I shall do me usual Sunday rundown.

P Ramlee, The Musical

It started like this, first my friend sent me an invitation,
free ticket, but I turned it down because I had plans
to do the TOKL, stand-up comedy at Mansion with Sunshine
but then Celcom sent a discounted price for subscribers
then Meng asked me if I 'd see it, so I knew that these were
signs that I had to go

I called Sunshine, "I am sorry, I have to stand you up"
"For which other guy?" growled he
"I'm not telling you, I dont ask and you dont tell me which other
girl, when you stand me up" I retorted
"Well I hope the theatre sucks, I hope it rains all night, I hope
you get caught in a traffic jam and I hope you get stood up!" huffed he
"But I love you!" said I
"I don't love you right now." said he
but later he gave me two green apples to satiate my cravings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the production team, kudos on P Ramlee, the Musical II
it was fantabulous! World class and better than some of the
'international' outfits I've seen here
Guys, if you're hesitating, go! Its a Malaysian production worthy
of your time and support, the outfits, sets, musicians, actors
everything..
is outstanding.

After that, chill at Bar Club on AHR with Mr Randall himself
followed by upcoming performances at NBT in the coming week
Mr Pianist? (;
Sorry Sunshine, this was one night worth standing you up for
even if I was in my work clothes and shoes from 9.15am-2.30 am


I am pooped. Nighty.

Poisonous Fingers

Oh how I love that I am able to come home at lunches
put on some TV, some music, eat some, watch some TV
Take off all my clothes then put them all on again
layer by layer, office chic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It occurred to me today that while yes,
I am sore, hurt, stunned even

I am ultimately ok, not getting worse
and how it would be so much better if he was gone
and not coming back

I fill my days, and I am okay, good I might venture

but he is coming back, and I guess not knowing what
that may bring has the potential to rock my boat, again
but I plan to stand fast
(though we all know how plans sometimes get diverted)

Just a thought, better if he was gone away for good
not dead *touchwood*
but just away where he can no longer touch me.

Flashback

I was reading at work, research if you like
then I came across this place where we once went

Then the flashbacks started coming
I remember how I was so happy at first
then I found out you had been flirting with someone else
what shocked me was that it was not you to do so,
or I thought so then, but maybe your true colours were emerging

I remember climbing all the way up to that waterfall
with my heart in at my feet
and breaking down as I ate lunch cross-legged on the rocks
I remember being so heart broken that I was in a daze

I remember turning my back to our travelling mates,
to hide my crying
and telling you to release your hold on me, to let me go
because I couldn't take this pain

I remember you slipped and fell off the rocks, sliding
I thought you might die
I remember how you tried to make it up to me after that
a candlelit bath of flowers, a romantic dinner on the beach
I remember how we swayed in the pool
how hard you were against me
how you sputtered and told me your ears hurt in the sea
and I tried to explain how to equalize
and when you finally got it, you said
"why didn't you just tell me to pop my ears?"
how we walked hand in hand on the endless stretch of golden

and sometimes, I swear I can smell your scent,
I can hear your voice, I can almost feel you on me

I can hear Adam screaming, fingers clutching, toes
curling to cling to me, as he is tugged away from me

But that is all my allow myself, and even that, rarely.

Skybar@Traders