-_-

I rolled out of bed yesterday in a dark mood,
thus after brushing my teeth, with no plans
to go anywhere, I applied dark make-up to match the mood


....er...no mood to blog already!

I shall continue later (;

OK, Here We Go

I have just belly rolled out of bed and
I am not a pretty sight.

You know what my problem is?
Double-booking.

Always always the inability to say, 'No, I am busy."
This is why not only am I having lunch with Chun today
but when Daddy text to ask if I wanted to banana leaf I said 'yes' too
and if I am not mistaken, ah May mentioned lunch...

Go figure la how I'll solve this.

Yesterday was the same case, promised dinner with Chun,
then Ana text,'dinner?'

Aja: I'm cool

Ended up incorporating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lemme tell you something, boys, girls and muppets
one of the best, crucial things to have in your life
is a good group of friends.

One who you can meet up with and rant, rage, spew your guts
who will be supportive or painfully blunt
who will make you laugh and cry, who will gasp with
envy, or surprise and say "No, you are not being psycho"

Yesterday I woke up in a rage, I snapped at mom, I snapped
at my aunt, I snapped at the Bee
I growled and pinched my face into a frown,
I took my bad week out on everyone in my path,
crushing insects with my fist 0_0

But then when I got into the car and thought
"Girlfriends!" my mood miraculously eased

I got to the restaurant, Ana was waiting, slammed my
bag on the table and said "I need a drink!"
Ana had already started (=

Then I told the waitress very politely
that answering "The normal one"
when I ask her what type of red wine they have, is simply unacceptable
Then I went to the bar to show her what they had and possibly
teach her how to read.

Cel comes, and we all sit holding in our stories,
everyone must be present before the spilling begins
otherwise, we will have to repeat and repeat

I beg for tidbits of the latest news, I have been away a week
Then as we wait, I can stop myself no longer
and start talking; my bad week, my plans gone down the drain
my fears, and 'am I being irrational?', ' Is this going to work?'
'would anyone else react this way?'

Then ah May emerges and we hug and cry out, dinner winds down
May and I come back to mine, we talk, make good points
point out the differences in each other since we last saw each other
they tell me I am more patient, more the 'woman' now, more domesticated
I say dogshit.

Cel calls and we try and get her to come,
I tell ah may its late and she accuses me of chasing her off
then tries to lure me back to her place
with promises of more alcohol

=)

Thank god for girlfriends! I think I'm going to make a button.

FINE!

OK OK I'll get out of bed.

I'll face the bloody muppets. Do I have a hangover?
I don't know. I only had one bottle last night...

Are You You?

After a full day with Dad and the boys, tired as hell
I rushed over to mom's.

I had told her I was going to see her in the afternoon
but now it was dinner time
when I text to say I was going to be late
she told me we could do it another day
that she knew I was tired
that she could just wash her make-up off
:(

but me being the daughter that I am,
unable to say no to either parent or anyone really
I went.

I take mom to the new restaurant/bar thing at Lembah Permai
the excuse is that it needs checking up, which is a poor excuse for my
being alcoholic.

We arrived outside, the carpark was full, rain was pouring
inside a waitress spotted us and came to the car with an umbrella.

I wound down the window, asked her about the place,
sweet girl, polite and knowledgeable
then she said "Are you Aja?"

Me: How do you know?

"I read your blog."

0_0

Then mummy and I went in and bought cake.

Ugggh

Boys and girls, family and friends, my colossal apologies for sucking eggs at blogging.
I am a failure. I'd tell you to spank me but...uh, I won't.

Well, I've been back in this country for almost 2 weeks
and I must say, this is not how I envisioned homecoming to be.

Initially the plan was that I come back, intern in a commercial kitchen,
open a restaurant; the Bee would come here to work and all would be
fine and dandy.

But it took me coming back to find out that that was not to be,
that my plans were shot to hell, and while the Bee is still in a secure position
I am on tether-hooks because I am stuck here now, unable to do what I
planned for almost a year to do and half-heartedly applying for jobs I don't want.

Shit hit the fan bad and its really hard to be strong and optimistic.

Anyway, I am looking for a job.
And my boyfriend, who I asked to move halfway across the
world to live with me and I will no longer be able to live on the same island together
which puts an enourmous strain on our relationship because of his jobscope.

This is bollocks. But its depressing as shit so I'll change the subject.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday I went back on assignment, Little Penang Street Party this Sunday people!
Come with me.

After the assignment I dropped by at Daddy's where Sean (6) sat on my lap
and showed me how to play his videogames.
After 15 minutes of oohing and ahhing though, I grew bored,
this is when he turned and said "Aja! You're not paying attention!"

Later, Bren (8) came home and during his shower, kept breaking off to shout
down and ask if I was still there and say that he didnt want me to leave.

Sean wants to know what time I am leaving, '6' I say.

Later Daddy brings 7 particularly good durian specimens home and sets to work opening
them, while brothers and I each pick up a piece and skip out into the garden,
walking the length of the grounds til our piece is finished.

"Look at those snails!" I say peering into the pond
"Its a nautilus shell snail" says Bren, matter of factly
"Cool" I retort
"Cool in this context has the same meaning as great," says Brendon on my right
On my left, Ssean pipes in, "Cool means sejuk"
I am so tickled.

We traipse back into the house for more, for every piece he gives us each
Daddy nicks the end bit, the best bit
" Hey! no fair, you cant steal the end bits!"
"You choose... missing end bits, or nothing at all?"
-_-

At 7.15 I get ready to leave
Sean comes up "Aja you can't leave!" He says pointing at the clock
"Its not 6 o'clock!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bad!

Today I went to Island Plaza to exchange pounds and buy cereal
I spotted six people I knew and avoided them all
malaslah with the small talk!
But I spoke to the parking boy, who is forever nice and
genuine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What sign is this? Where my aunt Mill, Nat, my mom's, my own apartment
and home in Wales all coincidentally have the same tea-towels?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok people I am going on holiday, Pangkor Laut (;
eventhough I am fat (made more evident by the girl-friend gathering
last night) and will be extremely self-concious in
a bikini.

Bleh.

Old Times

I meet 6 of the girls for dinner
the chatter is random and multiple conversations are going on
we pass food about and explain each other's situations to one another
we sulk when we feel we are not being listened to because so
many people are talking at one time
we discuss relationships, food, money, the future

Another one calls from Singapore, the phone is passed from
one to another, and we all say our little private piece
first she sulks, how could I not tell her I was coming back?
I tell her no one knew.

She sulks some more.Anyway.
Then she says "Babe, is it good to be back with the girls?"
and I said "Very."

Then I felt bad. One of the others said I should have said
"No lah, not very." But that would have been lying.

Dodgy Bastards

Its so hot that I can sit still and sweat.

Anyway, I was going to meet U-Rod for pre-dinner drinks
when I parked at the Blue Mansion, and since I was early
decided to stroll down to Penang Road to buy
a couple of straw hats to shield my delicate skin from
the sun's damaging rays.

The catcalls started, the strange men I would pass who would
murmur and mutter, I make swatting off gestures with my hand
they mistake it for me not understanding
"Jepun-ah?, Thai-ah?"

Tell me, if I was, would I understand you?
Jeez. I walk briskly not catching anyone's eye.

A guy stops his motorbike and whispers to me
I jeling at him, walk past him, he rides past me,
stops up ahead again, I ignore him
about to lose my temper and tell him to fuck off
when another sleazy wanker pops up and distracts me.

Fucking hell, what is wrong with these men?
How can they be so sleazy, so slimy, how can they
stare so openly, how can they be so fucking rude?
What do they think? That they have a chance?
That some girl they meet on the street is going to be attracted to their
disgusting winks and etc and actually start talking to them?
Its appalling, is this how tourists are treated too?

I forgot about this country, no respect for females.
(Not all of you of course, only the low-class, uneducated wankers)

I quickened my pace, bought my hats and couldn't face
the walk back so I took a langchia back to where I needed to be.

Walked into the pub, and who should I see but my ex's ex.
The one he cheated on me with for a year.

I asked to try the house white and it was bad.
Er, welcome back?

And So, I Am Home

The heat hits like a brick wall.
In the car, mom tells me that my sis is waiting to see me
at break time, at school; we have an hour or so to kill
til then.

The traffic is terrifying, I am no longer used to this wild way of driving
where people swerve as they please,
where lines on the road seem to be mere random squiggles,
where motorists zigzag about revving their little kapchais,
I am not used to the lack of courtesy and when I do drive,
I have to dig deep for combative driving skills.

I take mother to the market and pick out the things I want her to cook;
Crabs, prawns, french beans.

48 hours around the globe and I am exhausted but the sister awaits.

I pass the fruit seller, ask how much one mangosteen is ,
its a gift, he tells me
later, I go back and by the orr kym mangoes, always sweet succulent juicy.

The sister is taller, leaner and beautiful, she kisses me full on the lips,
tells me she missed me, she loves me; I love her too.

I get home to mom's (I agreed to 3 nights),
shower, then collapse into bed.

3 hours later I hear the voice of an aunt,
and drag myself from the clutches slumber,
more aunts come, we eat,
they bitch about grandma, we laugh, we eat again
we watch a movie, then mom slices up the mangoes.

I reach for the first slice, and the moment it spreads on my tongue,
recoil, because it is incredibly sour;
I check myself from spitting it out, flash a wide grin
and turn to my aunts " Wahh! This mango so damn sweet!"
They rush for it.

=D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sleep that night for 13 hours, mom wakes me at 1
"You have to go fetch your sis from school!"
"Same shit, different country!" I grumble

I see Daddy, the stepmom, the brothers
I see the girlfriends, and some KL friends at Bagan.

My heart twinges at a bottle of house wine
quality and price, i could get 4 bottles at least in the UK,
of better quality for what I paid there, sakit hati!

I go back to my apartment, poke around
touch things, the white leather chair that my friends
stole on a drunken night out (;

I buy seafood maggi mee, take it back to mom's,
eat and fall asleep.

Nana wants to go for a drive but I keep putting her off because
I am jetlagged and busy and have been told she is bordering on
incontinent thanks to laxatives, and must line the car seat
with newspaper!when I finally say yes,
I make her promise to not take any; I tell her I'll take her tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I wake late.
Father has gone hunting, stepmom to HK,
I have offered to take the boys for lunch
clashing with my plans to have a sleepover at mother's
with the sister.

I take the kids all to lunch together
except sister only eats chinese, one brother only western
and the other cannot recognise me and keeps calling me
'Auntie'.

The older stepbrother(8) on my dad's side wants to know
if my stepsister is my sister then who is she to him?
"You are unrelated, you are just friends," I reply

Later the younger brother calls me 'Auntie' yet again
and the older one turns to correct him
'No she's not your auntie Sean, she's your sister' then he pauses,
thinks for a bit and says 'well, she's my sister, but I don't know whether
she's yours too.'

I then play with them, balk when my sister,
who at 12 years old has plans for the mall with her friends..
is that even legal?

I take her anyway,then take the boys home, and spend 3 hours
with the older one, helping him do 3 pages of homework
8 year olds have the attention span of gnats
(or maybe all men just do)
he wanted 15 min breaks every 15 mins.

Left to pick the sister, except she wasnt answering her phone
and when she finally got into the car, I told her off
then felt bad, then told her how to manja to prevent from
being told of again by mom when she got home
(run to mommy, hug her tightly before she can say anything
and announce "Mommy, you're the best mom in the whole world!
I love you soooooo much!"

She fails, and gets scolded big-time.

I play Boggle with my aunts, Scrabble, I speak to the Bee
and of his imminent arrival..and then, I finally, go home to Henry
and we sleep (=

4.35am, 2.5 Hours to Boarding

WHOOOO my eyesight is blurring.
Keep pressing the wrong buttons.
Whoa.

Thrilling You with Random Thoughts at 2.30 am

KLIA is quite deserted, or maybe I just found myself a good spot
30 chairs, a huge TV and me stretched out over like 10
(yeah I counted, you wanna piece of me?)

I realised there is now a Starbucks and Dome in the Intl Departure Hall
and when I ordered my upside down caramel macchiato
at Bucks, they guy was quite friendly and nice
same with the guy in the bookstore when I went and bought
'The Secret'- By Rhonda something which my aunt insisted
I procure 2 minutes after arriving because I quote
"You have lots of time to kill and it is the book of the moment
and its sold out in Pg and I want it"

Point is, customer service seems nicer
or maybe I've been away too long
or maybe I am still in 'International Hall'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My nails feel very soft, toe-nails that is,
they hurt, cos they've been steamed in my boots for
like 500 hours

Since I was flying for 10000 days and had lots of
time to kill and Emirates has a superb entertainment list
and system I watched 5 movies on the way here

A Good Year- I liked it, Rusell Crowe is good. France, love etc. Two damn hot chicks.

Because I Said So- funny and feel good, makes me want to watch it with mom
also one gorgeous hunk-of-a-man in it helps, Gabriel Macht WHOA MAMA!

Man About Town- Ben Afflect and Rebecca Romjin who seems to have put
some meat on (not in) her. So-so movie.

a bit of Romeo & Juliet- for the soundtrack and the aquarium scene

errrr what was the other one? Hmmm.

Hmmm.

ohhhh Music and Lyrics! Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore with 5 expressions. Okaylah!

I think there was one more worr, but I cant for the life
of me remember...

Ohh I watched Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette too. I kinda liked it.

Sleepy! Tired to the bone. Wish I could just sleep and get home!
Dammit.

Enjoy the Jetlag!

Said Kev.

Hmmm yeah, I am feeling it. I'll really milk it.
Bleh.
Snippets of sleep, 15 mins, 30, caught here and there
A shower would do me so much good..
what has it been 30 hours? maybe more,
if I try and apply my mind to something as strenuous
as converting times and counting, it might explode
and coat these other transients with grey matter.

I must stink something fierce, I sure feel sticky =D
My head is heavy and I now must find somewhere to lay it.

Wah the weather here quite hot right?

Headache

Imagine this, I am in Dubai it is 5am,
I am personally on GMT,
I am trying to communicate with people in Malaysia
and people in California, with all these different time zones
swirling in my head.

On the flight to KL, I was offered 'lunch' at at 7pm (GMT+8)
and had half a bottle of wine and a martini with it
before realising that on my body clock it was just past breakfast.

I am now at KLIA and I have 7 hours to go
thank god for free wi-fi and mobile phones
and Starbucks.

Need to take a dump though.
Need my own pocket-sized portaloo.

Arrrgh

Wait wait wait
stink stink stink
god you can't imagine the smell
mouldy socks, BO, sweat, grease

WTF am I going to do in KLIA for 7 hours?
and if I come out of the arrivals hall when I arrive then I can't get
back in til the MAS counter opens in the morning
so where to sleep? If I can sleep at all?

I miss the Bee. I want the Bee =(

Swell!

I am blogging from Dubai airport, its snazzy and modern
slightly tacky, a huge mall thats definately lacking classy
clientele; people sleep sprawled on the floor, some squat.
The guy beside me just took his shoes off and was digging at his toes,
I moved seats.

It has wireless internet, FREE, so that's some consolation.

At Birmingham, I was shadowed by a not unpleasant young man
who escorted me to the check-in desk, handing my passport back to me.
There, I fluttered my eyelids and looked frail,
it worked enough that the man at the check-in desk
closed one eye and let my 17KG overweight baggage through with a smile,
I smiled back.

I was then walked through security, into the departure hall.

Goodbye England and Wales.

My flight was delayed three hours, causing me to miss my connection in Dubai for KL
causing me to miss my connection to Penang; since I now arrive at midnight
and the last flight to Penang goes at 11.15pm,
I will have to spend the night in KLIA.Swell. Brilliant. Dogs Bollocks!

Am so not looking forward to THAT.

Home, in Malaysia, but first night spent in the airport.
Bloody bollocks I say. If all goes well from now, I should get
back to Penang on the 7.30am flight, arriving 8.20am,
16 hours after I was originally supposed to arrive.

Goodbyes were hard.
Spent Sunday evening with Leyna, Italian supper
and Ba Orient, then the next day I took her for a short spin
to the chinese shop, gave her the last of my 'exotic' asian cooking
stuff and she gave me a sweet card and some choccies
and I bid her chicken-poxed-ness adieu

(god!people keep fucking sitting next to me and taking their shoes off!)
I've moved again.

Saying goodbye to the family was hard, NMTP cooked my
requested stuffed squids, then after dinner, they gave me
my goodbye gifts, YM started crying, NMTP, Me,
Dadman held fast
next morning, I said goodbye to YM and Dadman
then NMTP drove me to Birmingham, we hugged, teared
then I headed in, heart beating, to face the immigration officer.

My luck with planes and immigration have been shite since last September,
well, at least they aren't blowing up.

The Mother of Hangovers

Maybe they made Sunday the day of rest in anticipation
that a majority of the population
over the age of 20 would suffer greatly from
splitting headaches, dizziness and other such painful ailments
following wild Saturday nights out (or in)
Oh.my.head.

Salt From The Soul

I've never been big on goodbyes.
I mean who is? I like the romanticism, the range of emotions
experienced, but when it comes to goodbyes, try as you must
I won't cry.

I am a solitary crier.
Last year when I left Penang, my bestfriends threw me
possibly the best, most memorable goodbye party ever
there were presents and serenades, yet still I did not shed a tear
they must have thought I was a heartless bitch,all the while I was touched beyond words
but when I walked through the gates at the airport alone
that's when the floodgates were opened.

So today, Dom and the kids came, with their cards
their present, and NMTP and YM made bets on when I would cry
but me, I held my ground, and I will til I am
just about to embark on that plane
(escorted by immigration officials no less, just to make
sure I get on) wankers.

A barbecue, lots of hugs and kisses, photos, a card, a heart-shaped pendant
lots of 'i'll miss you's' and I get by,
glasses of rose, chardonnay, rose again, marie brizzard,
calvados, and now moscato.

To avoid salt from the soul, one must drink oneself into a stupor.

God, I hate goodbyes.

Fat Is What I Am

When you have a warm body to press up to
(not random warm bodies, just one)
a comfy bed, a pile of movies
and a fridge full of goodies, fat is what you get.

Add to that a 2 week holiday in the Dordogne, home of
walnuts, foie gras and truffles, where each day is planned
around meals,
Where copious amount of wine is sipped, swirled and slurped
accompanied by stinky, sweaty, ripe cheese,
well, fat is then definately what one gets to become

Add to that a weekend in London with fellow foodies
and people in love, fellow alkies and good company
where food food and drink were abundant,
of course fat, is a given.

So, fat is what I am.
And next week I return to the continent of thin,
the continent where even before I got fat, I was fat
Oh! Goody looking forward to those old aunties
pinching my face and telling me I look 'healthy'
or worse 'prosperous'.

Summer Is Come

I am sitting here in the garden, sun on my face
behind me the herb corner sends it perfume forth
basil, rosemary, chives, sage;
while all around the flowers are in bloom
pink, white, red, blue, yellow, fleshy petals
bright, pushy, bleeding their scent into the air
the birds are chirping, incessant.

Casper, the cat that I have grown to adore
is sound asleep under the rose-bush,
he is so cute I want to pick him up and bite a hunk out of him.

Summer.
How the weather has thrilled us the past week,
nothing but blue skies,sunshine, but not so hot that
you sweat like a sumo in a sauna, just the right temperature,
where the sun keeps you warm, the shade
is a tad too cool, so you are forced into the sun.

I guess you don't really appreciate the endless good days
we get in the tropics unless you live in a country
where there are four seasons, most of which
the weather is shite.

I love how the people seem to worship the sun,
out in droves at the park, picnicking, walking
holding hands and eating ice-cream

That's where I should be, the park;
But laziness is me.
I tell you a secret, I really really really want to be in the bathtub
I I'd feel guilty for wasting even half an hour of this glorious day

When the Bee was here, I'd often find my bath run, candles lit,
water frothy with bubbles and relaxing scents
and he would sit beside me in a chair while I bathed, or I would give my
bath to him, and sit, until one coaxed the other in
then we would lie back in the water, listen to music, sing.

In one of my favourite songs, there is a line
"I never felt alone, til I met you"

London Last Weekend

Sadness Meets Excitement

On Tuesday I stood on the pavement in Belgravia
and said goodbye to U-Rod, and the Mrs and the Bee
as we watched them turn the corner all squashed in the
back of the Merc like anchovies, Mayleen turned to me
and said "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" said I. That was the first goodbye.

At my aunt's, I kiss her, kiss my uncle. And aunt stands there
petite, delicate, smiling on the stoop.

Second goodbye.

Later, we reached the dual-carriageway to find it chock-a-block
and with 30 mins left for my train, decided to try for me to catch the
train to Paddington, I dash out of the car, barely kissing Mayleen
missing my train by one minute and having to pay 54 extra pounds
and get even more into the red for a new ticket.

That was the third goodbye.

The day after I went to the house of Butty,
did my last lot with them, then murmured that I was leaving
shock, sadness on their part, then they stood at the door and
waved til I got into the car.

Fourth.

Tomorrow maybe none, maybe I will see Leyna.

Saturday Dom and Mike and the kids come,
we will play in the sun, have a barbie,
then I will have to say goodbye.

Sunday.

Monday. We might cry I think.

Mommy wants me to come home, stay with her for a bit.
She doesn't understand me. I've been away from my room,
from Henry and Cornelius, from the apartment for so long,
I yearn for them.

Its not her, its me and my need for privacy,
to be sociable on my terms. She should know me, I loathe people
planning big things that include me and just assuming I'd be ok.

She says that they will give me space
that they have set up Astro, air-conditioning, but its not
about that, its about being with my things, where I am familiar.

Imagine, you miss your space so much and when you
get so close to it, you're told to wait? NO WAY!
Thats like the Bee and Me being in London but unable to see each other.

So I tried my best to explain, she said I lived with her for 17 yrs
why can't I do it now, but they just don't understand do they
once you move out, that's it, you change, you make your own space,
you crave it.

Oh well. I thought I'd do it for her sake, I know she misses me, is excited to
be seeing me, but then I thought of how uncomfortable and unhappy I'd be
and how I didn't want to be staying there and resenting it
didn't want my first days home to be marred by this;
So I told her 'no'.

And now I feel like the worst daughter in the world.

Photos

Hmmmm. Wanna tell you about France then London last
weekend but it means I have to edit pics
to adequately tell the stories and we all know how long
edits take..so uh...screw that and take these!

Back!

And so, the Bee is gone,
Just like that.

But this time it isn't agonising because we know when we'll see
each other again. I am even beginning to see the good side of our
being apart, we get more things done, and more importantly
we get a full night's sleep, and I don't mean we were
at it like rabbits (;

Its just, the Bee and I, when we sleep in the same bed, we are so
attuned to each other that whenever one stirs, or wakes,
the other is awake and aware of it, always.

The last night we spent together, neither of us slept very much
I'd half fall asleep and wake up to find the Bee pressing his lips to mine
randomly, throughout the night, like he'd never kiss me again
and now I wake and seek him out, look over at that empty spot
beside me.

He goes home now, speak all British, when translating a recipe to me,
says 'creme fraiche' instead of sour cream, 'coriander' for cilantro
damn lansi.