A Thought

Sometimes the eyes reveal
what the heart and mind tries so hard to conceal

Maybe You Should Come?

I ventured out of the office
at almost 2
unable to bear the hunger any longer

She says: So whats with the hair? Going for the karipap look?
He says: When's the last time you had a facial?

I guess we're square.

Oh well, the blackness lifted, momentarily
while I sat sipping my flat white
breeze blowing through my hair
sun streaming through the trees above
speckling, dappling the paved way

momentarily,
when I drove back to the office
jaunty song on the radio
sea-breeze making me sneeze

As much as I am thrilled to go away
I am just as, to come home
(sorry, that was random, I know)

Yet again, plans for Pangkor Laut this weekend
were thwarted
a worthy thwarting though I'd say
because SaharaDja's coming for the
Penang Jazz Festival this weekend!
Yay!

I saw them once in Bali
here and they were damn damn good
the ambience helped as well
but I daresay, that playing by the beach in Penang
accompanied by so many other great jazz musicians
it will be all that, and maybe more.

So come everyone!
Saturday.
Come.

Everything Is Broken

Here I am, first day of
my period, majorly cramping
in hormonal hell
trying to deal with feeling like my heart is shattering
over a reason that wont be mentioned
crying over stupid emails

Why does my heart feel like it's breaking?
It has no reason to feel like this

I have no reason to feel like this
I know it's stupid, yet I can't bloody help it

I am not even listening to 'kill myself' type of music
in fact I've made concious effort to listen to upbeat stuff
even the special kit-kat left by some kindly soul
in my tray
has failed to lift my spirits from the doldrum

I want the world to go away
I want to curl up in a ball and hide with the covers tucked up to my chin
in Henry

I want to pound the walls

I want to hurl the neighbour's
stupid, green nine-headed dragon with
red, blue and yellow flashing lights
and smoky effect fountain
thats left out in the common area,
off the balcony
I want to do the same with their dog and its incessant barking

I want to know why she doesn't even acknowledge things
take a step
why I allow myself to even be so goddamn affected

Why I say so much, yet so little

Why do I feel like I have nowhere to turn to?
When I know that I do.

Loneliness consumes me today
swallowing me up in a depressive funk

I want to spoon, I want a hug.

Can I Get A...

That's my theme song right now.

Today Aja couldn't park.
I dunno why, for some reason I couldn't side-park for nuts
I normally can
I even make fun of people who can't
and today I was so butt suckingly bad that the parking attendant shook his head
with a profoundly pitying look on his face
and told me to just leave the car as it was
senget and sticking to the curb.

Cacat.
Guess I'm not perfect after all.

It's not just the parking that tells me I'm not perfect though
yesterday, I tried to poach an egg, and failed
failed, terribly.
I cannot poach an egg.

Anyways I'm in an extraordinarily good mood
(why I must say, simply extraordinary!)
must by my orgy shirt
I swear everytime I wear this shirt I'm in a bouncily euphoric
maybe it gives me hope that
I'll maybe just might almost could have sex sometime in the near future
hahahaha
no one notices the orgy on my chest
the same way no one gets my "Eager Beaver" t-shirt

Aaron duped me into
pressing my breasts into his chest.
He's been sick for weeks mah!
then yesterday he looked a me
all pale and sorrowful, wrapped up in his jacket
and croaked "I need some warmth"
So (innocent, sweet, caring me) I hugged him lah!
Then with a sly smirk he said "I didn't really need that"

No More Fried Taugeh

Dear May,

I don't like you no more.
You left me. For a blonde.
For the outback. For milking cows.
For whatever it is that they eat out there (grass?hay?)
You left me, you hear me? Left.
Gone, cabut, Boh-tee.
Wa uuniah mai ka lu ho liao.

East Xiamen Delicacies

After yesterday's long day
I decided that the perfect place to clear my mind
would be East Xiamen, on Love Lane


yes, I know, location wise it's a bit dodgy
but I fell in love when I reviewed it
and it does indeed relax me
just takes one back to a time when
life moved at a slower pace
and the food is always delightful
so off I headed..

then I spotted another interesting looking place on Chulia St.
so I decided a stroll after dinner.

From there I passed old fashioned budget hotels
Bookstore cum tour agencies
temples, B & B's, stores selling all manners of trinkets

and before I knew it,
no more tension, there was so much beauty to divert my thoughts

Penang is damn nice man, if you know where to look.

Troubled Mind

I guess I knew when I was awoken this morning
that today was going to be a bad one
Sometimes you just have to resign yourself to the fact that
it is beyond your control
and just ride it out.

Yet I denied it, went on to work pretending that
it was all in my head.
It wasn't. Or it was.
Sometimes I really don't know.

You get to a point where people tell you so many lies
that you can no longer differenciate between
truth and lie

when you make an assumption because
history backs you up and you believe it to be 99% true
but then the person in question toys with you
and you think, "wait could I be wrong?"
Should I give them the benefit of doubt when all others will not?

Me, I've always, always been a believer
I have faith that even people who have proven track records
who have let me down again and again
can and will change
I forget each disappointment
and I believe
because I cannot imagine life
without believing that there is goodness in everything
I cannot be skeptical, jaded or unattached
it's just not me.

and I'd rather be torn apart each time
than have no hope at all
than have no faith that some good will come out of this shit.

Yesterday a close friend and I spoke
about her life, insecurities, depression
"do you ever feel like this babe?" she asked
I said, "sure I do, just not today"

well, today is a whole different story.

I feel helpless, and suddenly emotionally weak.
I feel like crying, but I won't because I know
I've been through it a thousand times before
and I can choose to close the door on it if I want to
but I don't.

For now I can delight in something simple
like the cute old man
in his over sized glasses
surrounded by pots and pans
sitting crossed legged and fiddling with the pipes in my kitchen
he's soaked to the skin, but refused my towel, spare shirt
and offer for a hot drink
I'd rather have him here that a hunk in overalls anyday.

Its pouring out
the weather fits my mood.
I'm going for a swim.

Penang Sundays

I haven't been home on a Sunday
for quite a while now I think
and I guess I almost(but not quite) forgot what it's like

Penang sundays
they've got to be done right
they've got to be done
beachy, lazy, light, relaxing

Wake up at noon,
have a coffee overlooking the sea
the sun shimmering over the water,
clouds blazing white, sky a deep blue

sunday lunch should be beach or pool food
have it before,or take it as a picnic
cold sandwiches, a burger or hotdog, cold roast chicken, crisp salads/crudites ,
juicy wedges of fruit
iced orange tea, a martini with 7-up, pimms cocktails
you don't care if
a couple grains of sand get into your food

Have another coffee at the Spice Garden Cafe

amidst towering trees and lush greenery
the breeze whispering through your hair
the sea lapping below

finally at 3, you hit the beach

you bask in the sun,
frolic in the waves
read, do a crossword, write
snooze, eat and drink
sand between your toes
hair encrusted with salt

at 5 30, you head for the Beach Cafe
(or Happy Hours and a Foo massage at Sigi's)
where other people have ice-cold beers in sweating mugs
and you stick to coffee because you're not known for your beer appreciation
bored with talk, you grab a pail
and decide to look for mussels

you cut your fingers in a thousand places
on the barnacles and rocks
before long, you have one
your friends arrive, they discuss wedding dinners
you take a break from musseling
to vote for this and that
then resume search, and before long
a whole pailful!

the sun begins to set

you discuss dinner
dinner must be seafood of some sort
a BBQ buffet at Sigi's or a cheap feast at
the end of the world

No, it's Sunday, you are not going to cook the mussels
someone else must do them

You shake your head
when a thousand kids come
stumbling down the steps
and proceed to sit in the waves
fully clothed, soaked
you wonder how they will get on the bus after
make fun of the woman
with the umbrella, hat and long-sleeves
eventhough the sun's gone down
then go up close to take a picture of her

So you rinse of, dust of
get in a car and head up to Teluk Bahang
a dinner of Black Pepper Squid, Mussels Thermidor,
Spicy Mussels,Garlic Prawns and Veg
perhaps a glass of wine
a delicious meal
a single ciggarette
a slow drive on the wending road
your fingers trailing out of open windows

and so ends, a perfect Penang Sunday.

Whisked Away!

After my rant yesterday
the chef called, out of the blue
"Coffee?"
I ummhed and ahhed, but not for too long.

As soon as I got in the car
he informed me in a very matter of fact tone
that I was being abducted and would not be returning to work
and I thought 'hey, what the hell?' I've been working like a bitch
and a half anyways.

So we talked, about food of course
both of us foodies.

"Why the fuck do they have to come up with these fancy names?
Why can't they call it as it is?
Who the fuck cares if its Sultans Saffron Cous Cous
or Timbale of cheebye and foie gras?"

he ranted, while I clutched my sides laughing.

I got high on coffee
we strolled the boutiques
we talked about love, or lack thereof
then we went up to the bookstore
and sat on the floor like 7 year olds
perusing Jamie Oliver and Emmanuel Stroobant
hungry from the food books
we sauntered down for a jumbo beef sausage
with ketchup and mustard.

companionship is so important,you meet the people that you click and grow completely comfortable with, and you know, this is for life.

on a different note. I really miss streetdogs man
polish sausages, spicy italian
scorched on the grill while you wait, your breath misting in the cold
a steamed bun, mustard, relish, onions, sauerkraut
heaven!

Drunken Wednesday

The other day, in conjuction with Le Gout Du Jour
at Alliance Francaise
I invited the Pole to go with me
for the company, but mainly as ang moh kau buffer

"Oh do we have to see all these white people?" he jested
pretending he's chinese la
which he pretty much is.

We had a merry time, we did
imagine 3 kirs
1 reisling
1 rose
1 bordeaux
and 1 delightful sauternes
and hors d ouvres
for RM25

fucking bargain.

we sat and tasted our wine
I turned my nose up at kirs, as opposed to kir royales
but drank it anyways
the kirs were actually a welcome drink
but hey, when shy
send the white man in, they never get questioned
("You go get more drinks, you're white!")
which well and truly sucks for us(in our own country!)

I got so drunk, I slipped in the bathroom
and bruised myself in 5 strategic spots
and promptly came home and passed out
it gets uglier everyday, I swear

But anyways this gastronomique thing lasts a week
so tommorow I take maman and Cheryl
to the View for a 5 course french meal
to celebrate mums something something birthday
like the good daughter that I am.

You Will Always Be Inside My Heart

Forgive me, I am melancholy
and listening to Utada Hikaru.

In approximately 160 hours
one of my best friends will embark on the journey of her life
a migration, a marriage
a whole new life.

and yes, its been a niggling thought at the back of my head
that i push away eventhough its insistent and consistent
I really don't want to think about it
know it or face it
we've never spoken about it
she and I

until today.

we spoke
me in my 3 and a half inch heels
towering over her slippered petiteness
we told each other
"I'm going to miss you, you bitch"
we anticipated the tears next week
we said 'special' things that no one else is supposed to know

You know, I've always been picky with the people I get close to
and May and I, we've had our falling-outs
we get grouchy with each other
we tease, we laugh
we rant, we call each other for reassurance
support, or when stuck in traffic jams
we go and have char kway teow without the kway teow together

I'm gonna miss you, you bitch.
I love you, you knoe?

A Rant, If You Please

You know,it takes very little to make me
happy in the morning (or throughout the day for that matter)

things like the japanese kids in my apartment block
playing in the water-fountain, completely clothed

like how the trees meet overhead
and sway in the breeze, silvery-green leaves,
a thousand simultaneous waves on the windy road

like an old favourite playing on the radio

like the mamak man greeting me with a smile each morning

like the sun blazing in the blue sky
and the clouds making funny formations

like coffee.

But it really spoils it for me
when irresponsible, undependable motherfuckers
take my time for granted
and are too much of a coward to text or call
yet have the audacity to bitch
that I don't spend time with them
or whatever

and hey, if you want to say you spoke to
my friends about it and they agree
then back it the fuck up
Chances are, you spoke to another
frustrated soul who is just as shallow as you.

Who would want to?
Grow the fuck up la.

I'm sorry you're not getting any
but it's not my goddamned fault you prick.

He Says, She Says

He: Global average for sex is 103 times a year,
but for Malaysians its 83,
I think you're dragging the figures down Belle

She: Me? What did I do?

He: It's what you haven't done, thats why figures are
so low!

She: Can't help it, I'm demure and picky.

He: I know, respect is worth more than a good shafting!

Consider This

When the sow is in heat
it takes only the breath the boar (pheremones)
to elicit an uncontrollable effect in her.
Her spine curves downwards, her hind legs become rigid
as she immediately presents herself for mounting.

Now men, don't you wish it was that easy?

A Bit of Bullshit

I was reading Paulo Coelho’s “Veronika Decides to Die” when I came across a great line
“We’ve [human beings] replaced nearly all of our emotions with fear”
So much truth.

Is that not true?
The fear of telling the truth
Finding out the truth
Taking the plunge
Exposing your emotions
Following your heart
Asking a single question
That could change everything

The fear of risking things for the slightest possibility
Of being happy
The fear of making the wrong choices
And making the ones that ‘could’ be right

Of change
Of progress

Of saying ‘I love you’
Of saying ‘I don’t love you’
Of saying ‘I hate you’
Of commitment
Of freedom
Of trying
Of letting go

So much of what we do
Is governed by the ‘rules’ that society
Has deemed right

Every single move
Governed by what others will think
how it will reflect on you
what other people will say
too much thinking
and too little doing.
too much fear

I'm Sorry Ms.,But Can You Please Not Be So Cacat?

Yesterday after I attended a merry children's
Halloween Party
I was at a loss as to what to do with myself
Didn't feel like going home
but didnt feel like seeing anyone
so I spontaneously drove to cinema

telling myself it would be okay to watch a movie alone
I strolled up to the counter all cool and collected
I mean if I have the confidence to wear green shoes
surely can tahan watching movie alone right?

"Scuse me? any tickets for The Exorcism of Emily Rose?Midnight?"
I ask the painted doll behind the counter

"Sorry ms. dah full" she replies

"Er....not even single seats?"

"Oh...you're alone? *pitying look*
"No, Miss" she shakes her head sadly, "Not even single seats".

Slowly, but surely, I am attaining
new heights of cacatness everyday.

Like now, I was supposed to go to the beach
but the sun's not out
so I'm sittin stealthily outside
my friends house
stealing wi-fi.