Troubled Mind

I guess I knew when I was awoken this morning
that today was going to be a bad one
Sometimes you just have to resign yourself to the fact that
it is beyond your control
and just ride it out.

Yet I denied it, went on to work pretending that
it was all in my head.
It wasn't. Or it was.
Sometimes I really don't know.

You get to a point where people tell you so many lies
that you can no longer differenciate between
truth and lie

when you make an assumption because
history backs you up and you believe it to be 99% true
but then the person in question toys with you
and you think, "wait could I be wrong?"
Should I give them the benefit of doubt when all others will not?

Me, I've always, always been a believer
I have faith that even people who have proven track records
who have let me down again and again
can and will change
I forget each disappointment
and I believe
because I cannot imagine life
without believing that there is goodness in everything
I cannot be skeptical, jaded or unattached
it's just not me.

and I'd rather be torn apart each time
than have no hope at all
than have no faith that some good will come out of this shit.

Yesterday a close friend and I spoke
about her life, insecurities, depression
"do you ever feel like this babe?" she asked
I said, "sure I do, just not today"

well, today is a whole different story.

I feel helpless, and suddenly emotionally weak.
I feel like crying, but I won't because I know
I've been through it a thousand times before
and I can choose to close the door on it if I want to
but I don't.

For now I can delight in something simple
like the cute old man
in his over sized glasses
surrounded by pots and pans
sitting crossed legged and fiddling with the pipes in my kitchen
he's soaked to the skin, but refused my towel, spare shirt
and offer for a hot drink
I'd rather have him here that a hunk in overalls anyday.

Its pouring out
the weather fits my mood.
I'm going for a swim.