Melancholic Morning

I was working late
So I decided to take a break and post the party pictures
but Picasa and Hello were fucking up
and I couldnt do it all in sequence so
I gave up
And somehow started writing this damn long emo post

Took me a whole darn hour
Then I hit ‘publish’
And Blogger wiped it out
Completely.
Poof! Gone.
An hours work in a split second.

I couldn’t sleep then
So I wrote,
And now I can’t sleep still because
I’m furious.

I guess there’s a lot on my mind.

Touching Butta’s taut belly
And knowing that life flourishes within her, daily

Made me momentarily forget
The life lost last week

I guess it affects me so because
children have always been a
huge part of my life.

When I was 12, my mother gave birth to
my half-sister, Cheryl

Because my mom suffers from
An immune system deficiency called
Systemic Lupus Ehrytomatosus,
She was weak
(she wasn’t even supposed to have a baby)
And I brought my sister up most of her infant life
(and missed a lot of school but it was worth it)

I can’t describe the feelings that flood my heart when
She calls just to tell me she loves me
Or suddenly leans over to peck my cheek
Or when I receive one of her
heartbreakingly sweet hand-made cards

4 years later, my half-brother Brendon

was born to my father’s new wife
she wasn’t too keen on babies then
and I can’t count the times
that baby fell asleep to the sound of my heartbeat
ensconced in the warmth of my chest

Now when we’re sitting next to each other in the car
Brendon cannot stand that we aren’t physically touching

So he tucks a corner of my skirt
Into the pleat of his shorts,
just to have some part of me, touching some part of him.
When I stroke his head and open my mouth
To say “Brendon….”
He cuts me off with an

“ I know….I know..you love me” his small hand squeezing mine.

I miss all that.

Even Taka’s colic and refusal to feed.


Children seem to represent so much.
Life, beauty, hope, innocence.

Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t been forced to grow up so fast
Yet I’ve always said that it built my character
Having so many responsibilities, so young
made me who I am today.

I just wonder what I’d have been like
had that childhood innocence not been taken away so fast

Yes, at one point I resented that innocence
in my peers at school
With their trivial fashion and ‘daddy won’t buy me this’ talk
It was hard not to
when I slept at 3 am
After putting a baby, then a mother coked up
On antidepressants, to sleep.
I was worlds apart

But I guess when push comes to shove
I wouldn’t change a single bit of my life
More recent crises included.

Once upon a time
Two years or so back
I wanted to au pair somewhere in Europe
It seemed the ideal job for me
Doing so many things that gave me pleasure,
That I have a natural knack for
Minding children, minor housework
Hell, I’d even cook
Living in a foreign country, learning
The language, culture, meals
Plus
writing about it and selling my stories.

Then it fell through.
I should look into it again.

I guess I’m feeling really melancholy
One of my best friends is married and with child

Another is getting married and about to move away

And me, I’m here.

No, It’s not that my life is stagnant, its far from
I’m steadily progressing
And it’s silly to feel this way
Because they are older than I
But I can’t help but feel..
left behind

Yesterday I spoke to an ex.
Someone had bumped into him and thought he looked upset,
and asked me to check up.

The dilemma?Lack of love
(the relationship/partner kind)

“But so many girls are head over heels for you, they think you’re hot, sexy,nice
and I love you!”

I said, trying to cheer him up.

“Yeah but what good is that? What s the point when I go
home each night and lie in bed alone? I don’t want to be wanted, sexy, I just want someone special with me”

So much truth resonates in that statement.

He and I, we have so much going for us
And some wonderful people who want to be with us
Yet we won’t risk things if there’s even a glimmer of negativity.

I keep attempting to psychoanalyse myself
find out whats going on with me
all these contradicting emotions

Here I have someone close to perfect
someone who reads my mind
anticipates my every request hours before I even think of it myself
someone who would never ever break my heart...

at first I basked in the tickles
the utter sweetness and thoughtfulness

but now its gotten so sweet its cloying
and I am fleeing
and I hate myself for running
from such goodness

and you know what the worst part is?
The sadness of knowing that life is that unfair

That one would be willing to give up so damn much
for someone who isn’t willing to give up at all.

I keep hearing “give it a shot”
But I’m to scared, I’d rather leave it in fate’s hands
If its meant to be, it'll be

Me, my rational side seems to be winning
more and more these days.
Weighing every pro and con, every possibility
I won’t risk someone else’s heart or mine
When the probability of it falling apart
If not soon, then in the near future
is so damn high

I used to be more capable
of letting go and getting swept away by chemistry
But now I hesitate more
I think about scenarios, what other people think
how it affects them more than how it affects me
I'd rather yearn in silence than deal with
the complications.

So jaded, yet idealistic
Too rational to believe in that perfect love
Yet too much of a romantic to let go of the idea.

What are we searching for?
So many great people
Albeit with flaws but with compromise, things change
So why are we so afraid to take the chance?

when it comes to affairs of my heart
Maybe I should quit being so considerate and rational
And give it a shot.

they say with love you take risks
So maybe I should stop hesitating
Get to know people who interest me, I mean really get to know them
Foster bonds, whether a potential love or great friend
Make more of an effort to risk
Give fate a kickstart and
Find the courage within
To seize the day

Maybe, just maybe.