Agendas

- This is a rant

Fuck you and your alternate agendas at the expense of my feelings.
Fuck you for always getting my hopes up then walking all over me.
Fuck you and your empty promises.
Fuck you and you dishonesty, your craftiness.
Fuck you for acting suspicious, for trying to hide something
then getting mad for me at questioning you.
Fuck you for acting so stupidly then getting caught.
Fuck you for not know just how to be open and truthful in the
first place.
Fuck you because I think that that was your plan the whole
while, your agenda.

Fuck you because you have no sense of decency,
because you think other people's hearts are nothing
because you treat me like dirt

Fuck you because you think asking you to be honest and have some
sense of respect and decency towards another human being
is 'changing' you

Fuck you for not having the courage to say "I'm sorry" and really meaning it
Fuck you for encouraging matters to get worse rather than better
Fuck you for not even bothering to explain

Fuck you for being so immature and playing these games all the time
I hope you get what you give tenfold

Fuck you.
because your values are shit.

Divulgence

Today I received an email inquiring about my current job
the suggestion that I blog it so people don't ask me again and again
Good call.

I am with the same company, except I now do Marcom for
the luxury resorts
I am permanently in KL, so whoops for the people who whoop (=

It seems that since I started Monday, my time at the office increases..
first day 645, 2 nd day 740, today 830.......

Today I left the office and had drinks with my colleague, fellow
Penangite, to whom I confessed the reason I dumped a boyfriend
who is a mutual friend, 8 years ago...

Another confession, I just had 'Penang' Char Kway Teow on Jalan Imbi
and you know what? Its actually quite OKAY!

Then I had dinner at Ka-Soh with another Penangite, KJ, his friend from
Ayer Tawar (?) and one from Ipoh and the chu-char was super fantabulous!

I've always refrained from hawker and local food in KL and stuck to western
but now I am pleased to find out that it ain't so bad...even at Pavilion the
food court is pretty good..

BTW did I tell you about my six-course wine pairing menu at Lafite at Shang KL?

oh.my.god.

Start with Veuve Cliquot
Then caviar with blini and traditional accompaniments
Then foie gras
then lobster 3-ways, mousse, bisque, espuma
then truffled spaghetti
then wagyu beef cheek
then cheese platter
then fresh strawberry candy-floss

I'll leave you to drool

Welcome To The Big Smoke

So today I completed my first 'office' day in something like
two years..TWO.YEARS.

And now I am officially living in Koala Lumpur
I have to wear almost-formal office wear
as opposed to flip-flops, pleated shorts and a t-shirt
I even bought an 'office' bag yesterday

and today after work, I whooped at completing first day
then headed across the road to Pavillion for a nice glass of red
think I found what could potentially be my haunt, one-for-one at happy hour
yesterday I walked to Pavillion and grocery shopped too
semangat!

another girlfriend came at Pavillion then we went to Delicious @ The Marc
where we met two more of my girlfriends and I realised that
just because girlfriends are girlfriends, doesn't mean you can mix them.

Singledom Once More

Jeez there are some things you'd like to be prepared for
like planning on being single on Valentines day, rather than being thrown
into it.

My ex and I never spent a Valentine's day physically together,
in fact we only had one, and I never thought I'd be spending this
one single.

But I am not alone, and it is not so bad, because we all have each other.

Spelling It Out

So my aunt and I are driving today, discussing relationships
a couple,close friends of ours broke-up and they say that
he will have a harder time than her, and that he really wants
her and is sorry.

So then the question 'has he tried to get her back' was posed
'yes, he said he tried, once...'
and to this we burst into incredulous laughter
because its true, I won't generalise, but most men are lazy
and haven't a clue, its laughable.

All they do is lament on losing her, and do nothing to win her back,
you don't try once and give up, because that makes you a lazy fuck of a failure
that shows that when you say you 'want' it is not a driven,
true-to-the-core want, the try hard and not give up till you get it type.

If a woman who doesn't care for a man anymore,
she wouldn't give him the time of day, ignore his calls,
and forget he even exists

A woman who cares, will still entertain you
and as long as she does, you have a chance.

But when you hurt her, or disappoint her, you have to work
doubly hard, to prove you're sorry, prove you need her,
prove you'll fight for her, or do anything for her.

And that's where most young men fail, they think they say
'sorry' and they've done their duty, enough
and end up regretting it and suffering in 'macho' silence for
god knows how long

the older ones know, how to pamper,to romance and woo
maybe because they learnt their lesson along the way
or maybe because they just appreciate and understand a woman more

I had an ex who finally plucked up the courage to ask me
if we still had a chance two years after we split and another
quasi-ex who never fails to tell me how much he would like
to take care of me.

Chances are, when a girl is throes of a break-up,(or even before)
other guys are pouncing, and really, when other guys are trying
their hardest to dazzle her, and you hardly lift a finger..
well the battle is already over.

Same case with my current ex. Says he's sorry, but just says it.
Does nothing to prove it. He tells me to go and visit him
so I go along with it, because I would like to see him and maybe
have some closure over this too.

But he's working see, so I ask him
"What will I do all day and through dinner while you work?"
and he tells me to stay in and watch TV
I can do that at home thanks very much.

And this is where lack of consideration, imagination, creative thought,
personal touch or true desire to make up or impress me escapes him.

I would have thought it was simple, anyone who knows me
knows I adore good food and being pampered, so why not
set up a spa visit and perhaps buy me a nice dinner, even
if I have to eat it on my own? If I am pampered and happy
doesn't that ultimately benefit you too?

He tells me he doesn't try because there is no chance
Well you never know till you fucking try!
I see him as a giver-upper who doesn't want me enough
and that, coupled with how much he already took me for granted
......well I'm speechless.

When you've damaged something fragile, you cant point back in history
and say, "this is what I did for you then"
well honey, you've changed since then
You need to show some effort in fixing it
A girl needs to know she's needed, wanted, loved, how much does
THAT need to be said.

Surprise her somewhere, take her on a day-trip, jump up in front of her
somewhere and tell her you can't bear another day without her,
do something unexpected, send her flowers ,go out of your way to do something
different, show extra EFFORT,or give her something special, or write something
and especially when other guys are vying for her, you need to show her
why you or ..... fuck it. Maybe I just don't speak Martian.

Otherwise she thinks you're just ready for fresh meat,
which is probably true, except you can't stand the thought
of another man getting the love that you once got.

Its like you need to spell it out to them, in black and white
or picture books, or exercise blocks or simply worded manual

Christ almighty even my grand uncle who told me he that
if he was younger he would marry me (all this at his wife's funeral)
well, even he wanted me more.

You guys are one sorry example of love, all you know is how to take
so you take and take, and the girl gives you so much, (I know without
a doubt that I gave my ex so much, and it was unique and it was true from
the depths of my soul, love)
but when it comes to your turn to reciprocate, your approach
is just boring and predictable.

And a couple of months down the line, you'll kick yourself and say
why didn't I try harder?
I know, why do you think M still calls till this day?

But by then, some other guy will have swept her off her feet.

Fuck It

I am just so goddamn pissed off and stressed and angry
and I really dont know what to fucking do with myself
I felt like just fucking ramming the car into a tree.

This is supposed to be my week off before I start work
my week to be happy, to be free, to relax, but I didn't go on a holiday
because I wanted to save money
but here I still end up spending over a thousand fucking
bucks in 2 days, buying clothes for work, hospital check-ups

I went for one check-up, but I am too fucking afraid to go for the other
one that I'm due for because I'll just end up owing more
or having zero cash when I go to KL and I still wont get paid for
like a month.

I cant even buy my fucking tweezers or eyeliner because I am scared
I'll have no money when I start work, then what?

This shit week started last Monday. When I spent over 200 ringgit
on a fucking taxi for a pointless ride to heartbreak
200 bucks could buy me my next doctors appointment
or my fucking eyeliner and tweezers and if it was worth my while
I wouldnt give a shit
but it wasnt even worth my while, nothing was.

Then the electrical heater in my bathroom had to blow right?
While I was in the bloody shower, had it electrocuted me it would
have made things easier.
And now I need to fucking replace it, because it is my duty and
I will feel fucking bad, even if I am not here to use it.

All I wanted was a nice few days, of beach, breeze and bikinis
of massages, naps and books, and light booze. I can even do that here
but my friends are either working or away. And at the weekend
when they can, I'll be gone.

I can't even ask the people who owe me. And no I won't touch my little
bit of inheritance.

I'm just so upset, I'm supposed to be having a break and this is
all just pure shit and I fucking hate this.

New job, new place, I should be celebrating. But no.
The hits just keep on coming.
and then there's fucking Valentine's day right?

Right now. I wish I didn't exist.
So fuck this. I have no fucking outlet. And I am about to fucking burst.

Rockstar Ja

Rockstar parking. Thats what I got this evening
and that's it, today's highlight. My superexciting life.

Bard stop bugging me I am not in a talky mood.

You know the one good/bad thing about this break-up thing?
I've lost my appetite. I don't give a shit what or whether I eat
which for people who know me, is a big, humongoid thing
because I love my food and I am waaayyy picky about it.

The only reason I actually am eating regularly is because I eat
with family. In fact today I even cooked, if only to keep my mind busy
twas a simple whip-up that took barely 20 minutes.

I notice this trend, I start the day a wreck, I lay in bed, go through
old pictures, videos, anything and I cry and cry and cry
then people start calling, I slowly pull myself together
and then I go out and try and be normal, no, please don't talk
to me about it face to face, because I can't and I will cry, like I did today,
in Dome, so Britney.

People call, msg, text and say they are so sorry to hear its over, as though
someone died. Maybe because everyone knows how much I put into it.

Mom actually tries to talk to me, but I won't, or I cry, so she texts me
tells me how much she worries about how I am taking things.

But I am ok right? You don't see me jumping of buildings or anything.

I just hurt. As anyone would when something they have invested so much
in collapses, over extremely stupid reasons. or maybe it was the straw that
broke the camel's back, but I remember him leaving me at the airport the
last time we saw each other and us being happy.

Behold the month of broken-hearted posts. I hope you're ready for it.

Laryngitis, Begone!

When o' when will my voice come back?
Sighhh...

I am doing the superbly depressing thing of sorting through
old pictures for discarding.

In the 15 or less months that we were actually physically together
I must have taken over a thousand shots of him
close-ups, him sleeping, him smiling, him sulking,
him acting stupid, him looking happy
him cross-eyed...you get the picture, just him.

He has probably zero photos of me, just an empty frame,
and then that was probably a sign I should have read into.

But I am stupid right?


RIP you two.

I Choose to Swim

Ooooh gorgeous day.
Except some people are geniuses who will take their SLR
with them all the way up to Batu, planning to be snap-happy
without checking battery levels before....

I chose to be nice and spend it with my ex's parents.
Except it made me miss him and hurt and so I rushed
to get on the internet and wrote him a 2 page email
some rambling, some tips on survival in Malaysia, some advice
on life and he said............
'thanks'
probably glanced through and deleted, if even.

Why do I bother? Any effort that I put in is futile.

But as I am beginning to learn, there always seems to be
something that will happen to lift my spirits
like this funny Facebook message that I got
from someone I met once, who's obviously made some effort to get
my number but never called, perhaps respectful of my relationship,
perhaps just a friend thing..who's reading into it?

But today he left a message reciting my number and telling me he dreamt
about this weird sequence and it was confounding
and he was feeling like an extra on LOST, so do I know what it means?
maybe it was even an invitation for me to say its ok to call
another 'chin-up' almost.

When I am awake I get this image of my bloodied heart hacked to pieces
on a wooden chopping block
no prizes guessing who Mr. Knife-wielder is
so I am probably not in any shape for any guys to call.

When I sleep though, I don't dream thank god
Except for the other night when I dreamt I was attacked
by a huge black python with a crimson belly and I didn't remember the
dream until I was sitting on a stool set on laterite
in the kampung by the orchard and feeling particularly
happy and rustic surrounded by greenery..then all these python
flashbacks came..damn psycho right?

Another image I get is my hand on his chest, but its not
so much an image but an I can almost feel it kind of thing
chest hair, beating heart...oh wait..there's no heart, there's
only stone..so maybe just my imagination.

RIP

Today marks two weeks since nana left us
we all miss her, we all deal with our grief, guilt
and misgivings separately.

But I know that out there somewhere nana is happily
reunited with grandpa, she's happy.

Black

Its one of those days..it hasn't even begun, and I can't get out
of bed I can only curl up and cry.

I see the big and small changes within him, from calling the aunts
to say he arrived safely home, to knowing what a mimosa is

but I see the bad changes simmering on the surface
he struggles to become a man, his character is shape-shifting
blurring the line between good and bad,

what to prioritise?love, family, work? yourself?
what choices to make at this juncture, make a clean cut,
or leave someone hanging
whose feelings to be responsible, considerate of, and whose not?

to make completely certain you are correct or leave others
room to judge, suspect?
this molding of a man, shapes a personality, the character of
someone who will later be a husband, a father, a son, a boss
and regardless of me, I hope to god he finds his way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember how when I asked you what a samosa was, you
described a mimosa
You always used to sing to me, Swing Life Away, Vermillion and Run were my favourites
I remember you telling me it was snowing, us running out

I remember meeting you by Starbucks at the airport
after seven months
the smell of your ears
I remember you leaving me later at Heathrow, how I cried
all the way back and missed my train to Wales

I remember the way we used to call each other, just as the other was about to do the same
I remember waking you up every morning at 5 for work
I remember Babypie, Sugarplum, Angel and Adam
You used to wake up whenever I woke up,
walk me to the loo at night

I remember us in the rickshaw, you singing Bobby Darin
or walking under the trees at the Andaman "which way?"
when we reached the fork
Running about going 'woodka' in our russian accents
I remember when you first started flirting with me through text

I remember "Goodbye My Lover" at the back of the Bangkok cab
I remember chasing pigeons, the flower of death
I remember the first time I told you 'I love you'

I always climbed on top of you, trying to touch as much of you as possible
trying to make you feel as much of me, my love, as possible
I always worried about you, your health, whether you had eaten
whether you were happy

I remember making you that birthday card
I remember the day we spent all day playing scrabble and eating pizza
in henry
I remember me spitting three times because I was so happy

I tried to kiss every part of your face, count every mole
I always needed to hold your hand or touch some part
of you before I fell asleep
I remember how the last two times I woke up with you
you woke up smiling
And now when I look over, you're gone.

Set Aside

Its funny how I wake up and its instant
I am thinking about the last 6 days,
how I woke up just so excited that I was going to see him
and how he didn't even care as he yanked it from under me.

That's just cruel isn't it?When you take advantage
of someone's love for you, toy with it.

Six days ago, I woke up with this lightness in my heart
then after I repeatedly text and called(and he ignored)
he finally told me he was angry with me for not texting him
while I was out, and that he didn't want to speak to me
then he never called or text me again.

And this is how I've been dumped.

I don't know how they do it in other countries,
but the way that was done was a coward's way out,
not even the decency to speak to me
give me even an inkling of what was to come,
to defend myself.

When you break up with someone, its never easy,
but you always need to at least have that decency to talk it out,
to say it outright, to tie up lose ends and give the person you're
breaking up with, closure.
To leave a person hanging is downright cruel.

I still find it hard to believe
that I fell in love with this person.
And yet when I analyse it, I know there is good in him
otherwise he wouldn't have done certain things, but
to do this, then there's definately bad too,
its a matter of which outweighs which

I kick myself for making him excuses, maybe this, maybe that
is there an excuse for just leaving, with hardly an explanation?

Surely the person I fell in love with was more humane
better mannered, more decent? Because I could have never
have fallen in love with someone so crude and unkind.

Or maybe it has become passable to say nothing, just stop
calling, never have to have that horrible conversation
where you tell someone "its not working for me anymore"
or "I don't love you" surely people can't behave this way
and actually live with themselves each day? Actually get to sleep at night,
or go about in the morning feeling good about themselves?

Don't we all have some built-in, inner voice that tells us
what is right or wrong to do? Or maybe its just rotten character, cowardice.
Best I found out now than in a situation where my life hung in balance.

I guess where there isn't common decency, there might be karma.

Heart So Heavy

So how am I going to heal this pain when I can't even see how deep it goes?

I've been doing pretty well. considering I'm
in this environment where everyone asks me
where he is, the people who've not met but heard me go on and on, family, friends.

I keep a straight face, I come up with an answer that
eliminates further questions, maybe if I could actually say,
"Hey, I am in so much pain right now" I might deal with it easier.

But I can't.
Because saying outright only proves how wrong I was.
I think about how much I believed in him and us, I could almost
laugh at my naivety, that I gave my heart and soul
so easily,so fast to someone I barely knew.

Sometimes my mind taunts me, says
'hey, he gave up seeing you just to be angry at you'
but its more than that, he gave me up.

And because he never even had the courtesy to speak to me about it,
it will always be for the trivial reason that I didn't text him between 12 and 5 am
even if I did when I got back,
even if I was on my way to see him soonest I could,
but I guess all those things don't count when you're
already looking for a way out, then, you'll take any escape.

But I do good, I take each day at a step, I ignore the pain
steady myself, pat my heart, think 'hey, it'll be okay'.

Today I text him, "Take care of yourself," and I almost added
"because I won't be there to take care of you anymore" but I didn't
because its a loss that goes unseen, unfelt.
One that only I feel.

In Penang, every minute, a song, a place, a food even,
brings an almost choking rush of memories, and today when I was driving home
I bit my lip and let it out, these big fat tears
and I was this close from calling, leaving a message just to say
'how could you break my heart?I thought you loved me,
I thought you loved me'.

But I didn't, because you can't share pain with the person that caused it
especially with the person that caused it, especially when they are cold as stone
because they aren't worth it, not worth this pain, this taking love for granted
if only my heart would see that
I just need to get out of here, out of Penang.

Unbreakable

Sunday evening was the end of the World 5's,
our entire team and some of the players headed out to Qbar for some chillin'
Some crazy-cool dancing with the team, hardly any brushes with players
'cept for the psychotic down-under one who stole my shoes. Mentalist fuck.

I had 2 and a half glasses of red, a Mulata and a damn good milo ice
later down the road, ended up in bed 5-ish.

Felt very excited in bed that I was going back to the Bee next day,
so text him to say "I love you, I miss you and I can't wait to be with you".

At 9, I am up, and I text to ask if the Bee was feeling any better cos
he had to go for a bloodtest, following some dengue and
hand,foot and mouth symptoms. No answer.

I pack, rush out. I've compressed everything, my lunch meeting
with trace my afternoon meeting to sign my new appointment letter,
I've blown off people,neglected to call others, just so I can catch this cab
and get back to him soonest.

And throughout my lunch, throughout the signing, the new office tour,
meeting the colleagues,
I worry about the Bee, whether he is ok.

Only at noon, when I threaten to call the management to look in on him,
he called to say he is ok, still at the clinic.
That's all. Cold as stone.

I text to ask what's wrong, I call and call and call, to no avail.
At 3-ish, I text his manager, I call his office,
I call all the people that I know might see him.

He might have fell even more ill suddenly,
or gotten into a car accident..something..
I am frantic.

He texts to say "I'm fine". I call him, asks him what his problem is,
he says he doesn't want to talk to me because I was out til 5,
because I did not text him throughout the night.
"But you went to sleep!"
"NO, if it were me, you would have said the same thing."

And I am stumped because I got into bed thinking of him,
texting him to say I could not wait to be with him,
I woke up thinking I was that much closer and all day
I had been waiting to share my good news with him
my excitement at my new job, all day I've waited to be with him
....and this.

By then I am in the taxi already, paying RM220,
(more than a plane ticket back to PG)
to go somewhere I am not wanted.

I think of how during the World 5's I told every guy that text me
that I was spoken for and loyal, that it would not change.

And in my heart this pain builds, it is spasmic, heart crushing,
can't breathe kind of pain..
that I am so fucking stupid when it comes to love, because I never fucking learn do I?

I cannot believe how much I worried, how much I wanted
to get to him, how I put everything aside for him,
how I called everyone to see if he was ok.

And he knew I was worried, how does anyone take someone's care and worry
for them for granted like that?
I cannot believe that he so easily turns, so easily hurts me,
so easily poisoned this pure feeling, this eagerness I had this morning,
just because I thought I would see him.

How does anyone turn like that, or maybe he was always this selfish
and I was always blind.

It blows my mind how someone can not think twice about turning
a good feeling into something horrible, and whats more,
he 's definately not feeling what I feel, because
if he did he would endeavor to make it better.

I tell him "Some day when there is no one to worry about you being sick,
to text you and tell you they can't wait to be with you or
ask you how you're feeling, you might learn how
not to take these things for granted."
No reply.

I tell him to leave my car keys at Lumut, I will pick up my car, drive home from there.
When I get there at 630 my mascara has run from my crying.
The taxi driver averts his eyes when I pay.

At 645, I am in my car, driving fast as I can away from him. And I hurt so bad,
from my own stupidity, from entrusting my heart and soul to someone who so badly
misconstrues me, who does not cherish me.

I once thought that when he and I met, fell in love,
I could feel our hearts collide and silvery strings spider around,
binding our hearts together, tightly, almost fused.
Now I can practically hear the tiny pinging of those threads as the snap.

God, when does this stop. I don't want to play this game,
I don't want to believe in love or deal with it anymore.
Love in a relationship always starts off so wonderful
and in the end what do you have but me trying to hold the pieces of my heart together?

Always. I will stop believing.

I am loved by my family, by my friends, pure untarnished love,
protective love, love that does not hurt me,
love that is not malicious, I will live with that.