Heart So Heavy

So how am I going to heal this pain when I can't even see how deep it goes?

I've been doing pretty well. considering I'm
in this environment where everyone asks me
where he is, the people who've not met but heard me go on and on, family, friends.

I keep a straight face, I come up with an answer that
eliminates further questions, maybe if I could actually say,
"Hey, I am in so much pain right now" I might deal with it easier.

But I can't.
Because saying outright only proves how wrong I was.
I think about how much I believed in him and us, I could almost
laugh at my naivety, that I gave my heart and soul
so easily,so fast to someone I barely knew.

Sometimes my mind taunts me, says
'hey, he gave up seeing you just to be angry at you'
but its more than that, he gave me up.

And because he never even had the courtesy to speak to me about it,
it will always be for the trivial reason that I didn't text him between 12 and 5 am
even if I did when I got back,
even if I was on my way to see him soonest I could,
but I guess all those things don't count when you're
already looking for a way out, then, you'll take any escape.

But I do good, I take each day at a step, I ignore the pain
steady myself, pat my heart, think 'hey, it'll be okay'.

Today I text him, "Take care of yourself," and I almost added
"because I won't be there to take care of you anymore" but I didn't
because its a loss that goes unseen, unfelt.
One that only I feel.

In Penang, every minute, a song, a place, a food even,
brings an almost choking rush of memories, and today when I was driving home
I bit my lip and let it out, these big fat tears
and I was this close from calling, leaving a message just to say
'how could you break my heart?I thought you loved me,
I thought you loved me'.

But I didn't, because you can't share pain with the person that caused it
especially with the person that caused it, especially when they are cold as stone
because they aren't worth it, not worth this pain, this taking love for granted
if only my heart would see that
I just need to get out of here, out of Penang.