Unbreakable

Sunday evening was the end of the World 5's,
our entire team and some of the players headed out to Qbar for some chillin'
Some crazy-cool dancing with the team, hardly any brushes with players
'cept for the psychotic down-under one who stole my shoes. Mentalist fuck.

I had 2 and a half glasses of red, a Mulata and a damn good milo ice
later down the road, ended up in bed 5-ish.

Felt very excited in bed that I was going back to the Bee next day,
so text him to say "I love you, I miss you and I can't wait to be with you".

At 9, I am up, and I text to ask if the Bee was feeling any better cos
he had to go for a bloodtest, following some dengue and
hand,foot and mouth symptoms. No answer.

I pack, rush out. I've compressed everything, my lunch meeting
with trace my afternoon meeting to sign my new appointment letter,
I've blown off people,neglected to call others, just so I can catch this cab
and get back to him soonest.

And throughout my lunch, throughout the signing, the new office tour,
meeting the colleagues,
I worry about the Bee, whether he is ok.

Only at noon, when I threaten to call the management to look in on him,
he called to say he is ok, still at the clinic.
That's all. Cold as stone.

I text to ask what's wrong, I call and call and call, to no avail.
At 3-ish, I text his manager, I call his office,
I call all the people that I know might see him.

He might have fell even more ill suddenly,
or gotten into a car accident..something..
I am frantic.

He texts to say "I'm fine". I call him, asks him what his problem is,
he says he doesn't want to talk to me because I was out til 5,
because I did not text him throughout the night.
"But you went to sleep!"
"NO, if it were me, you would have said the same thing."

And I am stumped because I got into bed thinking of him,
texting him to say I could not wait to be with him,
I woke up thinking I was that much closer and all day
I had been waiting to share my good news with him
my excitement at my new job, all day I've waited to be with him
....and this.

By then I am in the taxi already, paying RM220,
(more than a plane ticket back to PG)
to go somewhere I am not wanted.

I think of how during the World 5's I told every guy that text me
that I was spoken for and loyal, that it would not change.

And in my heart this pain builds, it is spasmic, heart crushing,
can't breathe kind of pain..
that I am so fucking stupid when it comes to love, because I never fucking learn do I?

I cannot believe how much I worried, how much I wanted
to get to him, how I put everything aside for him,
how I called everyone to see if he was ok.

And he knew I was worried, how does anyone take someone's care and worry
for them for granted like that?
I cannot believe that he so easily turns, so easily hurts me,
so easily poisoned this pure feeling, this eagerness I had this morning,
just because I thought I would see him.

How does anyone turn like that, or maybe he was always this selfish
and I was always blind.

It blows my mind how someone can not think twice about turning
a good feeling into something horrible, and whats more,
he 's definately not feeling what I feel, because
if he did he would endeavor to make it better.

I tell him "Some day when there is no one to worry about you being sick,
to text you and tell you they can't wait to be with you or
ask you how you're feeling, you might learn how
not to take these things for granted."
No reply.

I tell him to leave my car keys at Lumut, I will pick up my car, drive home from there.
When I get there at 630 my mascara has run from my crying.
The taxi driver averts his eyes when I pay.

At 645, I am in my car, driving fast as I can away from him. And I hurt so bad,
from my own stupidity, from entrusting my heart and soul to someone who so badly
misconstrues me, who does not cherish me.

I once thought that when he and I met, fell in love,
I could feel our hearts collide and silvery strings spider around,
binding our hearts together, tightly, almost fused.
Now I can practically hear the tiny pinging of those threads as the snap.

God, when does this stop. I don't want to play this game,
I don't want to believe in love or deal with it anymore.
Love in a relationship always starts off so wonderful
and in the end what do you have but me trying to hold the pieces of my heart together?

Always. I will stop believing.

I am loved by my family, by my friends, pure untarnished love,
protective love, love that does not hurt me,
love that is not malicious, I will live with that.