Black

Its one of those days..it hasn't even begun, and I can't get out
of bed I can only curl up and cry.

I see the big and small changes within him, from calling the aunts
to say he arrived safely home, to knowing what a mimosa is

but I see the bad changes simmering on the surface
he struggles to become a man, his character is shape-shifting
blurring the line between good and bad,

what to prioritise?love, family, work? yourself?
what choices to make at this juncture, make a clean cut,
or leave someone hanging
whose feelings to be responsible, considerate of, and whose not?

to make completely certain you are correct or leave others
room to judge, suspect?
this molding of a man, shapes a personality, the character of
someone who will later be a husband, a father, a son, a boss
and regardless of me, I hope to god he finds his way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember how when I asked you what a samosa was, you
described a mimosa
You always used to sing to me, Swing Life Away, Vermillion and Run were my favourites
I remember you telling me it was snowing, us running out

I remember meeting you by Starbucks at the airport
after seven months
the smell of your ears
I remember you leaving me later at Heathrow, how I cried
all the way back and missed my train to Wales

I remember the way we used to call each other, just as the other was about to do the same
I remember waking you up every morning at 5 for work
I remember Babypie, Sugarplum, Angel and Adam
You used to wake up whenever I woke up,
walk me to the loo at night

I remember us in the rickshaw, you singing Bobby Darin
or walking under the trees at the Andaman "which way?"
when we reached the fork
Running about going 'woodka' in our russian accents
I remember when you first started flirting with me through text

I remember "Goodbye My Lover" at the back of the Bangkok cab
I remember chasing pigeons, the flower of death
I remember the first time I told you 'I love you'

I always climbed on top of you, trying to touch as much of you as possible
trying to make you feel as much of me, my love, as possible
I always worried about you, your health, whether you had eaten
whether you were happy

I remember making you that birthday card
I remember the day we spent all day playing scrabble and eating pizza
in henry
I remember me spitting three times because I was so happy

I tried to kiss every part of your face, count every mole
I always needed to hold your hand or touch some part
of you before I fell asleep
I remember how the last two times I woke up with you
you woke up smiling
And now when I look over, you're gone.