Sunday Mornings

I am checking my mail by the Bee (X) (Who knows the status anymore?)
when he walks by, sticks his head out of the door just as it closes
and says " You better blog something good!"
So, here it is.

The past few days have been calm, maybe even nice.
I still feel like the damage done in the previous weeks is irreparable
but he seems to say 'I love you' more
seems to be making an effort to spend time with me
even got 'me' (actually him) Astro

So I try and banish those niggling thoughts.
I try not to think them aloud.

Was that ever a cure to a problem?Pretending it wasn't there?
I go to breakfast now, with the (x)Bee of course.

Afloat

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am at.
We float, listless, with no positive plans
One minute we are together, the next we are at each other's throats

But for now, we seem to have reached a plateau.

He told me a week ago that he wanted to go slow, capture
what we once had, the anticipation, the excitement
but that was all, mere words..
as if expecting it to appear out of thin air, without effort.

Sometimes I feel like when I am not his, he wants me,
pines for me, pays attention, notices me when others notice me.
But when I am here, in front of him,his, it is asthough I barely register
on the radar, a text, a call,
any gesture that says ''I am thinking of you"
is too much.

These days I look at him and I wonder, "who are you?"
who is this guy who barely notices me, who sails along
oblivious, who thinks i am fine, but rarely asks if I am?

In the middle of the night I lie awake, listen to him breathe
watch his sleeping face, and wonder where this guy is
in the day? the one who loves me, where does he go in the day?

I wonder when he advises his bestfriend on her relationship,
whether it ever registers that she is going to another guy
to help her in her relationship, for attention,

when her partner isn't listening
to her needs.

and how he would feel if I did that.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to be so lonely.

I am beyond putting my heart out there, speaking
my feelings, if they are not acknowledged then
soothing words will be spoken..but no physical lasting steps
to mend.

So I live like this, day-to-day, wondering when the axe will fall.

Yet I know that people his age, in his situation, never appreciate
what they have, they take the world for granted,
they always think they can leave something and that it will be
there when they get back.

It is only when you're older that you learn good things don't come
around easy, that you must work at it, cherish.

But I've been there, done that. I know that people can never tell you,
that you do it, and you find out on your own.

I hate that when I am feeling lonely and I think about whether there's
one person out there, who thinks of me, everyday, its not him that comes
to mind.

I hate that when we go out and I watch us as though from a far
it is me that's clinging to him, and him that lets go.

I hate that where "I love you more" used to be a competition
it is now a blunt answer, tattoed across my heart
Hate that I know how little it takes for this to snap

Yet part of me fights to do what will cause it to end completely
what will help me sever my ties, and still the other part of me
hangs on, skin of my teeth.

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone

to love you the way you do them,

that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.

Rituals

A cup o tea in th UK and a cup o tea here sure don't taste the same.

Someone said this to me today
"So are you still hoping to impregnated by a passing seaman?"
not funny meh? I thought it was.

The XB also said something funny this morning but it didn't stick.
So let it be recorded that something funny was said, just that I dont
remember what.

I also received a perfect frangipani this morning,
it made my day kinda, received from myself that is.

Dolis, my fav chef ever also made me my favorite chicken mushroom
thingee because I am sick

The doctor prescribed antibiotics because I said I have to work tomorrow
and the XB brought me lemon cheesecake.

I think I haven't was my hair in 3 days.

Anyway I shall randomly spew.

I was talking to Frou lastnight "But why?" she asked
"You looked so happy during the weekend wor!"

Then I told her. Then she said "Oh my god babe!OMG"
"OMG..how......?" then "..totally justified"
and I know she and anyone would get me

Nevertheless, its titbollockingly hard to untangle oneself
from a web like this and we want to be there for each other
help each other through this
yet how do we step out of the rituals that we created with each other
how do we create a whole set of new, less intimate ones?

Its like you want it to be over but you dont?
character flaws she said (random)

Search me man. Search me.
Over and out.

Options (Or Down with Love)

I was sitting in the boat today
sniffling, headachy, feverish
remnants of the Bee, the Flu he passed me

Beside me sat this little girl, 6 maybe
lolling about her mother
I actually thought of laying my head in
her lap, while she laid her's in her mother's lap.

I want kids, I want the whole she-bang
In fact if a good-looking, successful, responsible man
(already I ask too much)
asked me to get married and have babies now,
offering a lifetime of support, protection, dependability
regardless of love,I would probably think about it
which is bad enough.

But I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who's considering
that alley.

Examine the arranged marriage.. a lot of them work no?
And these days, who has the time anymore?
Or the strength to go through the whole getting-to-know,
dating, establishing a relationship, planning a future thing?
Why can't it just be there?

I know love takes work, but what if one removes it from the equation
add it on at the end, later?
Surely there are other people out there.
people who don't want to play this stupid game
who just want to put it out there, wants, needs, point-blank
no need to reply if you don't meet requirements.

A friend I know sent me a website a few days ago, ironic.

You'll excuse me of course.
PMS, sick, just broke-up and all that jazz.

Nag Him Into Submission You Say?

Thou shalt not insult my readers dear Bard.

The real title of this post is Points of Certainty

Last night I lay in bed watching a movie alone.
And in it, a few lines stood out.
Someone said
“There are moments that you just have to
grasp and hang on to,
and there are moments when
you just have to let go”.

Another line was “whoever heard of anyone dying of a broken heart?”

One of my dearest friends has been telling me
for years that she and her boyfriend have
no future and she talks of wanting to let go,
yet she is never able, and I’ve always told her
“when the time comes, when you are ready, you will know”.

Points of certainty.
I think of the relationship I had with him now
and I am certain that there is no more to it.

I can close my eyes and take myself to the moment
when the last threads that bound us together snapped,
The smell of the car, the words spat out,
the rush of traffic, the stinging in my heart and eyes.

When my spinning world suddenly stopped and things fell still.
And that was when I became certain.

There is a moment where you are pushed to a point
where you can be pushed no longer, hurt no longer
and I suspect both of us have gotten there sometime
or another.

Its hard to explain, you know this feeling?
When your vision clears, when your questions are answered,
When you no longer wonder if you are making a mistake,
if you could have given more, or tried harder.
You know that everything that could have been done has been,
and that you will have no regrets.

You know, know that this is the full stop.

Telling you the full details would be plain rude and disloyal
so I won’t, suffice to say, enough happened
during our weekend away together.

If anything our differences in personality became glaring,
to the point where I was shaking my head
unable to fathom the way things were done and said.

I remember the last time I felt like this,
the morning I woke up and dragged my ex into bed,
6 am, found certain things that I didn’t agree with,
and packed a barely full bag and left before dawn broke.

All my possessions that I had shared, my clothes, books,
the house that had become mine, I left.

I had left him about a hundred times, but I knew that morning that that was it.
Of course then there was also a catalyst in the form of a
6’2”, golden haired, green-eyed adonis
And this time there is none, but doesn’t that increase the intensity of it?

Points of certainty.
I was walking just now, and I thought of how amazing
it is to go from loving someone so much,
from them being your entire world,
to plain numbness, to letting go completely.

And I remember the last time I was so certain about something,
it was a year ago when I started fighting to be with him,
and I had never wanted anything more in my life
but I guess you can fight tooth and nail and still the universe has other plans.

The only thing I wonder now is how I could have been so sure, so blind,
that I didn’t see, that I didn’t spare myself
and him, and all around us from this.

So that tells me something eh, about points of certainty, that you can dither,
be confused but eventually you will reach them, and even when you do,
the points are never fast, never permanent.