Lumut, Yo!

Yeah, Lumut, that’s where I am based.
Or Lumut-stroke-Pangkor Laut!

Lumut, yo!
Have you ever been here?
Do you even know where it is?

Let me tell you something.
It is tiny. It is dead.
It has not heard of a zucchini.
It has not even seen one.

Most nights I amuse myself with a DVD in bed
And a bottle of wine tucked (clutched) between my fingers
Other times I trudge back to Pangkor Laut (1 hr journey)
Like tonight lor.

I came in the room (6pm), poured myself a huge glass of wine
Because I deserve it
Cut out some brie, some roquefort, some kinda high-calcium crackers
Some seedless grapes, settled on the couch and flipped on the telly.

“Telly”. So British.

The Bee is currently playing volleyball and he will come over tonight
When I will churn out some Char Kway Teow for him and my
beloved uncle-type-person, because we all crave it and
So that I can perfect my recipe.

The Bee.
Funny how I say that because I don’t even know if he is my Bee anymore
Today I was thinking about us a year ago,
And us now
And how much has changed, and how much has stayed fast.
A couple of nights ago we broke-up
I’d like to say we had a fearsome quarrel and broke-up
But it wasn’t even fearsome, it was more like
an exhausted agreement between two people
so tired of fighting with the person they love most
so tired of trying so hard and still unable to smooth raw edges
That they give in.

Sometimes, the Bee thinks I am in love with someone else,
And sometimes I think he is in love with someone else
Though I know that we both know in our heart of hearts that we
only love each other.

The Bee is the type of guy who will think and talk of me to other people all night
But yet simultaneously forget that I am waiting for him
Forget to call, forget to text, forget that I am waiting somewhere to see
Him, and that I must wake early
And I am the type of girl who cannot fathom how someone can say that
They were thinking of me yet not consider that I am waiting for them
Yet on some strange level, I can.

We are fiery, quick-tempered, jealous, stubborn,
Tongues lashing, quicksilver action, insensitive, childish, hurtful
And we know this, yet it manifests still, unstoppable

And now we are close, physically, our differences loom
Cultural, opinions, ways of thought, of action, priorities
And we struggle to find common ground.
We used to think distance was our greatest problem
now, reality hits hard.

So we decided that was that.

And I remember yesterday, this crazy pain.
He had told our families making it more final.

I remember creeping in my cabin at work forcing myself to sleep in the afternoon
Everytime I woke, I would feel the pain jolt, the tears hot and stinging
close my eyes, block it out.

Then I could sleep no more, so I drove
Wondering where to go, anywhere, take my mind off things
KL, Ipoh, home..Penang.

I drove halfway, turned back.

In bed later, we spoke on the phone.
There was no more raised, anger tinged voices
We were calm, accepting, trying to deal with the pain,
The consequences, trying to help each other.

like two people who have accepted a dead-end.

We planned a holiday this weekend, way before
So we decided to keep it, see nature run its course.

Tonight I will try and sleep early (wont likely succeed)
For tomorrow I must rouse myself at 6.

So, you all really miss me meh?