Lumut, Yo!

Yeah, Lumut, that’s where I am based.
Or Lumut-stroke-Pangkor Laut!

Lumut, yo!
Have you ever been here?
Do you even know where it is?

Let me tell you something.
It is tiny. It is dead.
It has not heard of a zucchini.
It has not even seen one.

Most nights I amuse myself with a DVD in bed
And a bottle of wine tucked (clutched) between my fingers
Other times I trudge back to Pangkor Laut (1 hr journey)
Like tonight lor.

I came in the room (6pm), poured myself a huge glass of wine
Because I deserve it
Cut out some brie, some roquefort, some kinda high-calcium crackers
Some seedless grapes, settled on the couch and flipped on the telly.

“Telly”. So British.

The Bee is currently playing volleyball and he will come over tonight
When I will churn out some Char Kway Teow for him and my
beloved uncle-type-person, because we all crave it and
So that I can perfect my recipe.

The Bee.
Funny how I say that because I don’t even know if he is my Bee anymore
Today I was thinking about us a year ago,
And us now
And how much has changed, and how much has stayed fast.
A couple of nights ago we broke-up
I’d like to say we had a fearsome quarrel and broke-up
But it wasn’t even fearsome, it was more like
an exhausted agreement between two people
so tired of fighting with the person they love most
so tired of trying so hard and still unable to smooth raw edges
That they give in.

Sometimes, the Bee thinks I am in love with someone else,
And sometimes I think he is in love with someone else
Though I know that we both know in our heart of hearts that we
only love each other.

The Bee is the type of guy who will think and talk of me to other people all night
But yet simultaneously forget that I am waiting for him
Forget to call, forget to text, forget that I am waiting somewhere to see
Him, and that I must wake early
And I am the type of girl who cannot fathom how someone can say that
They were thinking of me yet not consider that I am waiting for them
Yet on some strange level, I can.

We are fiery, quick-tempered, jealous, stubborn,
Tongues lashing, quicksilver action, insensitive, childish, hurtful
And we know this, yet it manifests still, unstoppable

And now we are close, physically, our differences loom
Cultural, opinions, ways of thought, of action, priorities
And we struggle to find common ground.
We used to think distance was our greatest problem
now, reality hits hard.

So we decided that was that.

And I remember yesterday, this crazy pain.
He had told our families making it more final.

I remember creeping in my cabin at work forcing myself to sleep in the afternoon
Everytime I woke, I would feel the pain jolt, the tears hot and stinging
close my eyes, block it out.

Then I could sleep no more, so I drove
Wondering where to go, anywhere, take my mind off things
KL, Ipoh, home..Penang.

I drove halfway, turned back.

In bed later, we spoke on the phone.
There was no more raised, anger tinged voices
We were calm, accepting, trying to deal with the pain,
The consequences, trying to help each other.

like two people who have accepted a dead-end.

We planned a holiday this weekend, way before
So we decided to keep it, see nature run its course.

Tonight I will try and sleep early (wont likely succeed)
For tomorrow I must rouse myself at 6.

So, you all really miss me meh?

What If

I've lost it?
What if I can no longer blog?

-_-

The Party

Living out here as we do,
the Bee and I can feel really removed from the world
or like we live in a different world, in fact the last
time we went out in Penang, my aunt looked at us and
said " You look like two people who haven't been out in civilisation
for awhile"

So naturally when Sports Illustrated SA and Bacardi held their wrap party here
I started to dress up.

It was when I leant over the bathroom sink, trying not to smudge
as I applied liquid eyeliner
when he swooped past me and slapped my naked butt-cheek
then he collapsed into a heap of hyena-like laughter as I tried to compose
my face and not blink.

Cow.

I Really Miss Your Blog La Wei.

You know what?
Sometimes I really miss my blog too.

But all you guys, who wrote me personally, spoke to me
and said, "Hey what the...? Where's your blog?"
Thanks.

Its like this,
a job came about, seemed to fulfill needs, expectations, whatnot
no big city, no little bit of money, no smog, traffic jam,
no paper work, no crazy deadlines

Instead I have the ocean, the forest, cooking for a small crew and occasionally
a super large group of impressively important people (talk about STRESS)
I have nature, I have grocery shopping, I have baking to shield me
from boredom, and I have the Bee.

Sometimes I wake up to lapping water and sunrise,
other times I wake up with my nose snuggled in a hairy chest
and it is the hardest thing to drag myself out of bed
before the sunrise, to take one boat ride, then a taxi ride
then a ferry ride, then a walk, to the private yacht that I work on.

And most of the time, when I am on the boat, whether stationary or not
I have no internet.
And I, who once lived, breathe and even took dumps while online..
I am doing okay.

No panicked shortness of breathe from withdrawal
no breaking out in hives
no falling to the floor in a fit of..well..in a fit.

I have embraced this small town island living, as I commute
Lumut, Pangkor Island, Pangkor Laut
Penang every 2 weeks for some therapeutic girlfriend and family
bonding sessions (as socially hectic as ever)
and KL once in awhile for some good dining and 'OMG-I-so-can't-deal-with-the-big-city-any-more-because-I-live-in-Lumut' moments.

And it so happened today I came online,
and the Bard he took it easy on me
chit-chat, and nice and light, then he hit me with a
"I really miss your blog la wei"
and reminded me of the rest of the people who tell me that
and I thought, why not?

So he reminded me my blog address, and then left me to it.