Suspension

Maybe it is the seconds in between wakefulness and

sleep

when you are drifting, already in a dream but not completely

submerged within it

yet.

Maybe it is then that one is at their most open

vulnerable

I was suspended in that state last night

almost lost, yet there, solid on his chest

and he said it, again

and I could feel it, my natural reaction

springing out of me

but I caught it, those words

and I reeled them back in

and they turned around and soothed me

told me to allow myself to sleep, that they would be good

and a split second before I fell

they jumped out, went careening out of my mouth

sought him out

I remember my shock, such betrayal

the momentary fright

and then I was out cold.

Infiltrated

I am

oval like an egg

balancing on its end

silvery weight at my very core

you

are like a slithery sea creature

with tentacles that hug every nook and cran

every action weighed, yet not

stable as a rock wedged

in sand

back and forth across the line

you barely nudge

and I sway

on this you play

On Knowing, And Not

Sometime last week:

Me: I want a husband!

Married best friend: Don't bluff!

She called it, alright.

The more time you spend with someone, the more they get to know you,
and vice versa,

the more you expose of yourself, the more you build a relationship

and because I try to be myself as much as possible, I prefer to surround

myself with people who already know the different facets of me.

I am cautious with the people I spend a lot of time with
I am very prudent and conscious of the ties that I build, and don't,
romantically, physically

At this point in my life I am content with my family, my friends
and the level of affection and loyalty I have for them,
this is all that I am currently capable of giving.

But like any human being, I sometimes second guess myself,
I falter, and I say to myself, 'hey you, lets shift dynamics a bit'

And also when you are confronted day in and day out by

an amazing person so persistent in the pursuit

It seems only human to rationalise why you should try

or how the positives could balance out the negatives

So I did, I decided to give the girlfriend part a shot.

When you shift a person from 'Only Friend' mode
to 'Maybe Boyfriend' mode, perspectives change
and god, I hate the person I become in a (possible) relationship

Its hard to explain, in that situation, I am more critical, my standards
come into play and what never niggled at me in 'friend mode'
niggles at me constantly, thus it ends with me being annoyed at the
person, and annoyed/disgusted at myself for being so rigid, so petty
as have to constantly remind myself of the more important

beauties of this personality.

Then everything else came into play, the logistics of a relationship
carting my stuff here and there, schedules, responsibilities etc

Can't do it. Its just stress.

And existence of purely myself and my circles of family and good friends
is one that is easy, and selfish to a point, but it works for me and it ensures
that I commit fully in each place that needs it.

Could be timing, personalities, or that this just isn't it.

But to proceed further could be the death of a great friendship.

That's where I'm at today.