MMJ

Office space sharer : Why have you looked so sad recently?
Me: My mother just died a month ago.

I say it bluntly, to wound rather than invite sympathy
for I've never taken to her and her pink crocs
and then I feel bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking to work today shuffling through Augie March, Art of Fighting and Kings of Leon
I thought 'Oh I must listen to My Morning Jacket'
so I did, and I must have momentarily gotten distracted
because I was surprised to be struck by how much I like,
no, love My Morning Jacket.

The best.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cooked cous cous and lamb and roast potatoes in duck fat for
three people last night, starting at 8.30pm, these latin people sure eat late
last arrival at 9pm (with a bottle of choya for moi!)
and they help me, stir, chop, peel, as I season

"Soy sauce?really?" they say when I marinate the lamb with
We duck and stretch, all four of us in the tiny kitchen
they pass a joint, I sip from my wine-glass
we sit down at 9.30

grilled lamb, cous cous, vegetable and chickpea stew
golden roast potatoes, pan con tomate, grilled pumpkin and eggplant
mint and redcurrant jelly, just us four and the table is laden

First we are famished, then too soon, we are unable to eat, move, speak
"Can I offer you anything?" my hosts say while I try to figure out
how to move
"If you're going to offer me anything, offer me a bed".

One Month

Today marks a month since we found my mother,
but I'd say a month plus a day or two since her death.

I went back to Penang this past weekend,
to see family, to see my best friend and her new baby
and came back late last night, exhausted to the core.

And today someone asked me "Was it difficult?"

"Was it difficult, or were you iron-strong as usual?"
I said to her that while it wasn't that difficult, it was just tiring.

Being strong and calm and collected is just tiring
but I don't know how to be anything but.

I wonder if I'll ever learn
Sometimes I feel like I am made of stone
so conditioned am I to dealing with the tough
that fragility is lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister and I, hand-in-hand lying in bed
talking about her dreams about our mum,
hand-in-hand, at the market, picking out flowers
to put at her grave,
we decided on a red and white colour theme
she picks the whites, I pick the reds

At the grave, we sit on the marble, rub the dust off (There's dust already?!?)
of the picture of mum smiling
and then we busy ourselves arranging flowers
over mummy and nanna, stripping off leaves, thorns
five minutes, ten, twelve past
I stand up, look over at the kid
"Ready?"

We stand hand-in-hand at the foot of mother's grave
and I say "May her soul rest in peace"
my sister says "Amen" the same time I start to continue with
"and let the perpetual light shine upon her o lord"

"You got it wrong che-che!" she says
"Oh whatever!" I say as we make our way through the headstones and weeds.

And then its done.

Chat

I am chatting with my three aunts

who are together in Singapore

One from Penang, on from Japan, one from Singapore

They have been sad they say, thinking of my mother

feeling guilt for not being there enough,

solitary, weepy

so they've come together for support (and shopping)

and things are slightly better.

I remember the last time I was in SG, the same three aunts

plus one

And we were playing cards, eating Chinese devil curry

and aunt Nat said " I wish Mina were here"

and then everyone snapped at her for, thinking but not doing

but I guess in our own ways, we all did what we could

They tell me that they have to go, they got

"Noodles and then shopping"

They tell me they love me

"Have fun!" I say

"Don't die".