I Ache For Who We Once Were

The human capacity for pain seems boundless
especially pain that we are willing to suffer for love
and pain that we knowingly go back to again and again
because of love, I quote from
'Paris, Je t'aime', "I ache for who we once were"

And how apt.
How that movie made me laugh, hysterical, incredulous
at the sheer LSD tripping badness of some parts,
and how in others, it was fantastic.

It caused my heart to swell, that horrible feeling where there
is so much impact within your chest and so little
one can do about it.

When it comes to love, there is so much you have to do
to make it better, and so little that you need to do to
send things spiraling further into doom

and god, have I craved and craved who we were before
and this is the love, this memory, that makes my capacity for the pain,
this hurt, so inexhaustible.

Often we are blinded, choked; by pain, by anger,
that we seek not to save it
but to ruin it, to keep from getting hurt again.

But its pain, either way.

And then we plunge into this dark swirling world and
we are running so many different directions away from each other
that even if we wanted to find each other again, we couldn't.

But when I gave my heart to him, I gave it, there is no taking it
back, and even now when I try to, I am bound to one, my heart
is loyal even if I want it to stop.

And when I shun everything else to sit alone and cry,
I ask myself how I can bleed so much over someone
who doesn't bleed for me

But I forget, there is distraction
and its human nature to want something you never had
but always wanted

He used to ask me to marry him everyday
he used to instinctively know when I wasn't ok
he used to calm me when I was upset
he used to think of me, every second

now I don't even wonder if he does,
I wonder how its possible that he can forget
I wonder if I could learn that

I just can't find him anymore

And as everyday passes, I recount the things that
I would have told him, the seconds of today that I didnt
share with him, the moments that reminded me of him
the growing parts about me ,that he doesnt know now
this gulf, chasm that grows and separates us more

I heard DMB's Crash Into Me, the first time that I ever heard it
played here, it made me stop right there on the crowded
path on Bukit Bintang, and I thought of how I put it in a CD for him

he used to wake up when I woke up, no matter what time
so attuned to me, and even till the very end, I remained
attuned to his needs, while he slipped away from me

These are parts of me I keep from others
because he was my world, and I shared everything
with him, and he's the only one I wanted to share things
with, and now it doesnt seem right to share it with anyone
else, so I keep this pain hidden.

Because people are only going to say
"if it hurts so much why dont you just let it go?"
and I don't have the strength to explain why I can't
in fact, I dont even know why I can't, its just the way I am
built, I give until I snap.

And he took.