A Ray of Sunshine

Peter and I are sitting, La Bodega, Pavillion
Couch area that was reserved but promptly
given to me when I flounced up and pouted

Everytime we are here, Pete bitches about crap service
and I tell him how great it is for me, how perfect
the cappucinos, how much more wine I get in a glass..

"Its because you come in here like this great
raging cloud of anger,and me, I come in,
and I am like a ray of sunshine!"

cue eye-rolling.

What?I am whut!

I Forget

I forget, that people actually read this blog.

And so in my moments, when anger and pain
stunt me,when all I am capable of doing is sitting home
and wallowing, I blog.

And all that time in between, when I am out and about
at work and play, socialising, bar-hopping
shopping, cooking, eating, karaoke-ing
all that time,when I am A-O-K....
I dont blog about, because frankly, there is no time to.

So at this point, suffice to say, the more I blog,
the more, I am upset.
The less I blog, the happier.

The Bee and I have our issues, our ups and downs
and god sometimes I just wish it was that easy to let go,
forget, erase, delete, utter "be gone with you!"

But its all the moments in between, its stupid jokes
and barking laughter and cloying cute-sy names
and mind-reading(selective)..its the fact that my hands don't
seem to fit anywhere else that makes me try, try again.

Its our history, spread across continents, landing here
and still trying to find balance, and to tell you the truth
I don't know if we'll ever find it, but every time we
do break up, I can never find it in me to survive it.

He's good, so great, when he wants to be.

I Ache For Who We Once Were

The human capacity for pain seems boundless
especially pain that we are willing to suffer for love
and pain that we knowingly go back to again and again
because of love, I quote from
'Paris, Je t'aime', "I ache for who we once were"

And how apt.
How that movie made me laugh, hysterical, incredulous
at the sheer LSD tripping badness of some parts,
and how in others, it was fantastic.

It caused my heart to swell, that horrible feeling where there
is so much impact within your chest and so little
one can do about it.

When it comes to love, there is so much you have to do
to make it better, and so little that you need to do to
send things spiraling further into doom

and god, have I craved and craved who we were before
and this is the love, this memory, that makes my capacity for the pain,
this hurt, so inexhaustible.

Often we are blinded, choked; by pain, by anger,
that we seek not to save it
but to ruin it, to keep from getting hurt again.

But its pain, either way.

And then we plunge into this dark swirling world and
we are running so many different directions away from each other
that even if we wanted to find each other again, we couldn't.

But when I gave my heart to him, I gave it, there is no taking it
back, and even now when I try to, I am bound to one, my heart
is loyal even if I want it to stop.

And when I shun everything else to sit alone and cry,
I ask myself how I can bleed so much over someone
who doesn't bleed for me

But I forget, there is distraction
and its human nature to want something you never had
but always wanted

He used to ask me to marry him everyday
he used to instinctively know when I wasn't ok
he used to calm me when I was upset
he used to think of me, every second

now I don't even wonder if he does,
I wonder how its possible that he can forget
I wonder if I could learn that

I just can't find him anymore

And as everyday passes, I recount the things that
I would have told him, the seconds of today that I didnt
share with him, the moments that reminded me of him
the growing parts about me ,that he doesnt know now
this gulf, chasm that grows and separates us more

I heard DMB's Crash Into Me, the first time that I ever heard it
played here, it made me stop right there on the crowded
path on Bukit Bintang, and I thought of how I put it in a CD for him

he used to wake up when I woke up, no matter what time
so attuned to me, and even till the very end, I remained
attuned to his needs, while he slipped away from me

These are parts of me I keep from others
because he was my world, and I shared everything
with him, and he's the only one I wanted to share things
with, and now it doesnt seem right to share it with anyone
else, so I keep this pain hidden.

Because people are only going to say
"if it hurts so much why dont you just let it go?"
and I don't have the strength to explain why I can't
in fact, I dont even know why I can't, its just the way I am
built, I give until I snap.

And he took.

What A Shit Day

You wake up, and first thing in the morning,
your day has already started in the most horrible way
and you just know that it will get worse

so maybe today, I might actually say ok
and give someone else a chance and
showing me what love truly means

you expect the most basic things from a partner,
love, laughter, honesty, trust, protection
but then maybe, when they distribute those elsewhere
theres none left for you.