He Says, She Says

I am pottering about in the home of my ex
when I come across this white mini-skirt that
I've been looking for for ages.

Me (jokingly) : I hope you're not having your new girlfriend dress up in my clothes..

He: Oohh... they're a bit loose on her.

The swelling on his head may be from the avocado that I threw at him.

____________________________________________

Johnson is now massive
and displaying no signs
of just having had an operation.

"Johnson get off!" I shout
as he pounces on me with his sharp hooves
[my blog, I can call it whatever I want]

" No Johnson, its alright, this one you can attack"
says the ex as he comes up the garden.

Another avocado spatters.

-------------------------

edit: 5.09 pm, Wed, 17th Aug

I just reread the first line of the 2nd part of this post

Johnson? Operation? Bigger?

Tell me its not just me that finds this amusing.

Just Call Me Bigfoot

I don't know if I've just O.D-ed on KL
or if I was just ill last weekend

I didnt particularly enjoy the shopping
because every single shoe
that I showed a slight bit on
interest in
didn't come in my size.

Size ten feet in this country
spells nightmare.

I have to get other people from/visiting
ang-moh countries to buy me shoes *hint*

So shopping was pretty fruitless
then we headed back to the hotel
where I squealed with delight
bouncing around on the bed
before heading to the
Ritz Club Lounge
for cocktails
alone
just me
and the shimmering KL skyline

I took a bath
a nap
then another bath

before heading to Zeta
where my friend from kindergarten,
the bartender,
tried to kill me
with green sambuca-ey shots
that I washed down with lychee martinis

All I really wanted was to go home
I felt so ill
but the others
wanted to go to the
KLIQ party at Atmosphere

Sorry, is it just me?
Or do other girls fancy
watching delectable GAY men
rub each other up and down?

HOME! I hollered, 15 mins in
offering to take a cab
and leave my "coolest aunt ever"
(said my friends)
with my friends.

No no no
no more KL
not this weekend at least
but next, (;
for sure.

Mondays!

Goddamn it!
Just because you're too
fucking stupid to understand
a simple fucking ad like that
doesnt mean others are as stupid.
Dumbfuck.

Anal is In

Its 8 am,
the haze is making it ghostly way across the bridge
shrouding the island
as we leave.

Am I lucky or what?

Everyone was warning me against
leaving smog free Penang
for the haze laden valley
who would have guessed?

That the haze hates me.

So, on to the roadtrip.

I am in the passenger seat,
behind me
my two teenage cousins are more
barking, then talking.
Every sentence when addressing each other
ends with 'stupid'.

My aunt Pat
who's visiting from Japan,
is behind the wheel.

I groan inwardly when
she says she plans to stick to the speed limit.

10 minutes in
and we are plod plod plodding
I can count every stalk of grass
that we pass.

I glance at her
she glances at me

"what the hell. I'm on holiday!
Its not like I can't afford a speeding ticket.."
and with that,
the inner speed demon is unleashed.

Surely I've mentioned that both sides
of my family
are
equally anal
between them covering
most possible ways
of being anal.

So when it's my turn to drive
I am doing 140 kmph
(even after warning my aunt
that my other aunts once
complained
that I drive impossibly slow)
couldn't possible be outdriven by my aunt could I?

"Oh this bloody fluff is driving me nuts!"
exclaims aunt Pat,
referring to the lint from the towel
that I used to bundle myself
up from the a/c

"I hope you don't mind if I clean while you drive"
she says, whipping out a wet-one.

She starts to polish the dashboard,
"You dont mind do you?" she asks again
as she wipes the steering wheel
and around my hands
while I struggle to keep my eyes on the
road
and maintain my 140.

Fortunately, we arrive safely in the
clear skied valley.

where my uncle told us to meet him near
Vistana
and I told aunt Pat that I could get there without directions
but she didnt believe me
and got a cab to guide us
but told the others that
we had found my way all our own.

We met up with Pat's sister, Nat
and my uncle
in some mamak
where my uncle ordered curry puffs
and stared at them glumly
when they came
because he realised he was on
the Atkins Diet
his pain increasing
when the beggar refused
his mouth watering curry puffs.

Always Take Earplugs

I woke up sick and parched,
at 9 am
when my aunt called to ask us if
we wanted to go for breakfast

after much trying
I finally dropped off again
only to be woken
by the sound of the other phone ringing.

This call was greeted with an extremely brusque
" who in their right mind calls anyone
before midday on a Sunday morning?"
and slamming down of the phone
(or rather, pressing disconnect)

Next, the bell went.
"May I make your room up, Miss"
the kindly lad inquired.

I definately scowled, hell,
I think I even let out a hysterical laugh
before I gave him a gruff
"No, you most certainly may not".

As I stumbled in the dark
[I just loooveee blackout drapes]
avoiding the minefield
of early morning room service paraphenalia,
courtesy of my cousin.

I plotted my
"revenge of the bell-boy who ignored the DnD sign"
then I realised
I had dropped the sign
tottering in last night
and forgotten to put it back up.

Sleep eluding me
and throat constricted from dehydration
yet too shy to summon a butler
I groggily dressed
made my way downstairs
and drank 4 glasses of orange juice
ate a croissant with marmalade and cheese
then went up flopped into bed.

45 mins later
I was late for a casting call.
My first too.

So i'm frantically applying makeup
getting dressed
Finally all made-up,
I tip toe pass the bell-boy
that I was oh-so-rude
to this morning,
my face a mortified red.

I cab my way there
but when I finally find the place
it is deserted.

I hit LBD
order a giant cap
and though I have no issue
in sitting alone in a packed restaurant
I allow myself to become melancholy
and miss my girlfriends.

Later I go back,
the casting girl is there.
I apologise for being the reason
she has to work on a Sunday.
She smiles
and then begins endless
makeup problems.

My makeup is not strong enough
I havent brought any
and even so I dont know how to apply it
neither does she
and the make up they have
doesnt agree with me.

2 exhausting, uncomfortable
(me squirming unnaturally under the lights)
hours later,
we're done.

I cab to Ikea.
Meet up with the rest of the family.
I am weak with hunger
and still feeling feverish.

The place is jam packed.
whole families with extended uncles and aunties
are crowding aisles
enthusiastically
shouting the merits of this and that
across to each other.
I'm surprised they didnt picnic.

And the kids..
why does every bloody kid
get an empty mini-trolley
to ram into your knees and roll over your toes?

Soon we are in the car
making our way out to the highway.

My other aunt is now behind the wheel
and this one really will stick to the speed limit.

The older pair of
sisters are patronizing each other
The younger pair of sisters
occasionally bark
I was wishing for earplugs.

"We're you two as bad?"
I ask my aunts
"We were worse, we used to try and kill each other"

"We used to throw stones at each other"

"But when your grandmother came,
aunt Pat always got hit
cos she shouted,
but I always knew how to keep my voice down"
says Nat slyly.

Somehow I found that funny.

"Was it like this?
did she scream 'Nat, you bitch!' and did you then go
'*whisper* cheebai bin, kan lu boh eng la!'

So then Nat starts her 110
but then we realised we've come off an exit after
Sg. Buloh
and my cousins really want BK from
the Sg. Buloh overhead bridge

The car is on Empty
and Pat is robotically listing off
each petrol station as we pass
"We are now passing a Petronas, we are now passing a Caltex..."

Nat is non-commital
she wants Shell.

"I'm not getting out and pushing the car"
warns Pat
"Its okay, I'll push it"
Nat shoots back.

"Earplugs Appear!" I command in my mind.

Finally, a Shell.
After Rawang.
now we turn off the highway
and start the 30 min journey
back to Sg. Buloh

"Aunt Nat ," I say cautiously
"Erm..you really don't need to stick to the limit
here you know,lets just speed til Sg. Buloh"
I cajole.

"Nope" she says

From the back, Pat pipes up.
"Fuck you Nellie, if you're gonna drive like this the whole
way, you can sit in the boot and I'll drive"

"Earplugs APPEAR!" I command again.

I cannot sleep. I never can in cars or buses or trains.
I have this fixation, with whats going on outside
the window.
Its also and opportunity for me
to gather my thoughts
or get lost in my daydreams.

Soon I'm driving (I offer)
The needle on the speedometer creeps
up.
Nat is drowsily yet strictly watching.
Pat, I'm sure, is silently cheering me on.

By 9 30, we are home.
We left Ikea at 3.40.

Stop Right Now

My Boss just asked me what
I thought of The Da Vinci Code

He's listening to the audiobook.

Can you believe that?
There something about not bothering to read
as good a book as that
on your own
that seriously gets to me.
So sacrilegious.

Free Publicity: Because I Say So

Today, not only did
a hunk buy me lunch
but he cooked it as well.

My meal started with a delicious
French Onion Soup
which I slurped down
trying not to lick my bowl

then came the meat

Z: would you like some meat?
me: *laughing uncontrollably*
z: (innocently) what's so funny?
me: *giggle giggle* you said 'meat'...

Rare slices of seared steak
seasoned with herbs, dijon mustard, salt and pepper
fanned out
atop a bed
of pasta in a classic tomato sauce
accompanied by sauteed vegetables.

Of course, me being me
my meal was special.

But if you factory people out there
(hint: ana, jeanette and etc.)

Want a decent set-lunch
for under 10 bucks
(starter, main, dessert, coffee)
Then hey! they're just around you're area.

You know the 7-11
(going towards BJ from Sg. Ara)
on the left of the traffic lights
after passing BJCC?
Yep, they're just beside it.
Its called La Bananas
(hey don't look at me,
I didnt pick the name
and neither did he)

And even if you're not hungry
you can just go and cuci mata
cos, he's single
hot, sensitive
polite, can dance
can cook.....

I could go on, but I won't.
So just go already.

You Know You Want To

Come here la.

Just come.

Our air is clean, crisp.

We can see each other.

We can breathe in deeply without choking.

We have the beach.

We have good food.

Come to Penang, now.

Doesn't it look happy? Thats cos it has fresh air. This is one of daddy's lilies,
its relevance here is that it can be seen.

So many have called, emailed etc.

Bitching about the bad haze.

and here I am telling you to come

but bloody hell this weekend I have to
brave the haze
yet again.

But only for one night.

So when you come right, carpool okay?

Don't come and clog up our streets with
your 'which way ar?' KL driving.

Shit

Hailstones?
In Subang Jaya?
Schools closing?
What the hell is going on man.

Weird

We are driving back from a meeting
when my Boss looks intently at me.

"I think you're in the wrong line", he states seriously.

me: Whaaaa? What makes you think that?

"I think you should be a match-maker"

me:Whaaat? Why on earth would you think that?

"I don't know, just a hunch"

me: Well something has to be the root of that hunch.
What sort of matchmaking have you seen me do
that would make you think so?

"I dunno, just a hunch.I just feel it."

me: Yeah, but WHY?

"From the way you speak to people
Aaron, for instance"
(Aaron and I don't speak about men/women/relationships
we just kid about)

Okay this episode of 'weirdo' isn't going anywhere,
so I let it drop.

"Maybe he meant you should make matches", says Aaron
when I incredulously tell him later.

Maybe.

Woo Hoo HOoo

Oh yeah!!!

-edit-

dont think I was supposed to say that out loud.

A Love Affair with Arugula

After an exhausting weekend in the valley
I came home badly in need of some
'me' time.

So,
Monday saw me retreating into my own
little world

I came home, poured a glass of chardonnay
put on some music
and started cooking.

To start the ball rolling
I made a week's worth Bircher Muesli
my version of warming up

Inspired by orangette's latest post
I roasted some romas for 6 hours
also roasting some french beans
carrots and mushrooms
all Frances Mayes's Bella Tuscany

When the veg was done, but still hot
I tossed in arugula,
baby cos
shards of aged parmesan
and caramelised onions.
A salad of wilted and roasted greens.

A drizzle of that famous ranch dressing
a sprinkle of cracked black
a weird concoction, I know
but it worked.

My weekend being steadily
dissected in mind,
I moved on the the chicken.

As I dusted double sifted flour
over my Tori Karaage
I begin to wonder

"Am I being too picky?"

"Am I too scared?"

"Am I even ready?"

I can't help being picky,
there has to be some standards
like somethings you know
wont work with you
and some that will
but i'm not leaving much room for anything
to blossom
or
for compromise or change
sometimes I don't even give it a chance.

So why am I so bloody picky?
Because I'm scared?
Yes, I think so.

I'm scared of complicating my
nice, orderly,
"do what I want, when I want life".

I'm scared of the feeling of vulnerability
I'm scared of hurting
I'm scared of getting hurt

I'm scared of letting my heart go
or dealing with the complications
and responsibility of
handling another persons heart.

So I dip my toes in
allow a little bit of something
to blossom
and then I scurry away
nipping it in the bud.
Calmly watching as
"what could have been"
ebbs away, yet again.

Definately NOT ready.
But oh!
there is so much that I miss
and so much that I don't.

I Got Flowers!

I got flowers! I got roses!
Wahhhhhhhh!
Forgot how it felt okay.
What a pleasant surprise!!
See?See?
Nice or not?

Player 101

After a weekend surrounded by
Players and Ex-Players
I fled the haze filled valley
for sea-breeze and coconut palms
on the shores on Penang

For Sunday brunch, I met up with

2 ex-players

that have recently settled down

into parenthood and marriage

with two other players..

As for the song in the post below

I reckon

that's a bit of what happens

when two players meet

and sparks fly

but they are too afraid to

give up Playerhood

and their hearts.

They also gave me

The Speedy Guide to Playerhood

after I had a free refresher in the courses

Most Men Are Bastards

&

Once An Arsehole Always An Arsehole

(no matter how cleverly disguised)

This weekend in the valley

exhausted me

I found myself sleeping in

getting into the office at 2 today

But not in a million years

would I give these weekends

up

with the girls

They keep me sane.

Like Butta, Vans and I

lying in bed

at 2 pm on Sunday afternoon

each taking turns to finish

the sentence

"My girlfriends and I....."

Like Saturday lunch,
just the four of us.
"Yes, I know, I look like an aunty ok?"

Like during a game of Taboo:

May practically jumping up and down on her seat

going "Donald Trump! Donald Trump!!"

when Vans went

"Okay, he travels on the Air Force One, he came before Bill Clinton.."

or Van's quizzical silence

when may said

" the saying goes girls are made of -dash- and spice"

The usual all-round

love, drama and partying

the usual places

yes, that new place velvet

Deep, soul searching talks

interspersed with

racous laughter, bitch-fits

tears, confessions, mind reading

and minimal sleep.

This is my therapy.

My Adaptation of A Song

The sun is streaming in
Over us
Spooning, entangled
You, me, the sheets
I turn
You pull me closer
Half asleep, kiss my cheek

I drift away

Awake to find… you’re gone
When were you here?
I don’t know

Alone in bed
Your hair on the pillows
Surrounded with the scent of you
The loneliness strangles me

Were you ever here?
I don’t know

Two people

Too scared to admit
to a need
Too scared to listen to their hearts
or take heed
Too scared to open their mouths
just say it

Afraid to
say it
Afraid to
listen to it
For that would make it too real
And we would have to deal with the
Consequences

So,
we turn our heads away
Too chicken to take that leap

Believing that denial
will quell it

We drift apart
Trying to say ‘come back’
In an open mouthed silence

You will not
see my scars
You will not
be my drug
You will not weaken my resolves
With the tenderness of your touch
You will not, you will not

You will not
Knock me off my feet
I won't allow it

I’d rather yearn in silence
Than expose
My heart

Its Just Not Happening

I'm just not happy today
though i should be

After work, I'm zipping to the airport
arriving in the valley at about half nine
to freshen up at get to the
Velvet Members Party by ten something.

I should be excited
thrilled
anticipating impatiently

but I'm not.

Something has put the damper on my spirits.

Last night I dreamt
that I was sleeping with a man

We were intertwined in each other
our legs wound around
one another's
he held my hand as I slept
and my hand held his other hand
which held my other hand

I remember dreaming that I couldnt
really sleep
from being so aware of his every breath
and
that he too was aware of my every breath
we were both drifting the fine line
between a trance-like snooze
and deep slumber

I remember that everytime I moved
as little as a twitch
he would snuggle up
pull me closer
and kiss my neck, my face
or rub my arm
as if making sure I was okay
or
still there

I opened my eyes
alone in my bed
the vastness of my room
projecting the emptiness within
me
with such enormity.

And this is why,
I feel so out of sorts.

The first time I spent the night
with my ex
we slept like that
just slept
spooning, enmeshed
the width and warmth of his chest
surrounding my back
and when I woke up
I knew with such a certainty
that I wanted to be with him.

Yet this dream
was that
but so much more
and eventhough
the man remains faceless
I can't help but feel
a deep sense of loss.

He Says, She Says

She's squirming uncomfortably and
he cant help but notice

He: Whats wrong sweetie?

She: My underwear doesnt quite agree with
my new haircut...

from the couple that continue to
entertain us with their antics...

Call Me Klutz

I just fell down coming up the stairs
have you ever heard of that?
a person falling up the stairs?
Must be a fine art
that I've got down pat.

My hands hurt.

Don't Say 'No' To Single Hunks

That would be the general consensus eh?

No no No
Mr. D and the green-eyed giant
are not one and the same
I don't do married

God, why would I?
Sell myself short?
Never.
I'm a single, independent, intelligent
and not-bad looking 21 yr old
(well almost 22, but let that be my little bit of denial)
and I am perfectly happy this way

I don't need to do married
Although as I've always said to ah May


(who has gone to numerous fortune-tellers only to be told
she's destined to be a mistress)
the mistress option ain't too bad
when you're thirty and still single and broke
That's when you can go to your friends
and say "Pimp me baby!"

Think about what mistresses get (well the lucky ones anyway)
A penthouse home, a nice car, a bankload of cash
the very wonderful fact
that there wont be a man around all the time
to be possessive or schedule every move
she must be shrewd and cunning
no doubt
and be able to tell which are lies
and which the truth
she must be able to disconnect herself
from deep emotions
like say, love.

Oh, what do you know? I hear the mistresses ask.

Okay, it's not that simple. Nothing ever is.
_____________________________________________
Talking about pimping I didn't mention this incident earlier because it really stumped me and I couldnt believe it nor knew what to make of it.

My mother tried to pimp me.
Did you hear me?
My.Mother.Tried.To.Pimp.Me.

Uh huh. Those of you who are close to me
or read my blog consistently probably know
that my mom can sometimes be
a bit (a lot)
off tangent.

So last week she calls and
asks me to be her 'chaperone' for a dinner date.
Its a decent enough request
but I am busy as fuck
so I turn her down
throughout the day she calls
hell, her date bloody calls
Dinner? Supper? Coffee?
they plead.

One of which I agreed to
but cancelled when
she later did something to piss me off.

Then she calls again.
"How about dinner tomorrow?'

"Tomorrow, mother, I have a dinner assignment
I will only be free after 10 p.m."

then she goes on to say

"Okay, I need to tell you something,
this guy is actually looking for a companion
he's a millionaire business man who
says that he's not looking to bed her,
just for companionship, and he'll give her the world"

I took the phone from my ear and
stared at it in speechless disbelief.

"Thhhhwwwhattt? Are you fucking out of your mind?"
I yelled, raging, when I finally found my voice.
(ignoring the look of disapproval at my language from my dinner date)

A 50 year old Sri Lankan businessman,
who's married to boot. That's how much she thinks I'm worth.

" Jaysus woman, I would never even consider that!"

"But you dont have to do anything. Its about security, a house, a car"

"Mother, I'm doing that by myself. Why the fuck do you think I'm so busy? Why the fuck do you think I work 2 freaking jobs?"

"But..this is easier, you wont have to work for it.. it'll be put on your plate"

By now I am fucking seething,
hell, if I had grit my teeth any harder
I'd be needing a set of dentures now.

"Lady, I actually enjoy doing it on my own.
Its the satisfaction, and the fact that I 'm sticking to my principles
I'm young, with endless oppurtunities.
When I am 30, alone, and penniless, then you can pimp me"

Then I hung up.
And wished I had a flip-phone cos
that would have been wayyyyyyy more dramatic.

The next day I wrote an explosive
email to my 4 aunts telling them
what their sister did.

The fact is I've met this guy before
and he's very nice
intelligent, good conversationalist.

Had she not tried to pimp me,
I would be his friend.
But the fact that she did,
made it too fucking freaky.

ewwwwww

I do have older male friends
that I meet up with once in awhile
for dinner and a chat
and I enjoy it because the conversation
is so different from that
of your average clubbing 25 yr old male.

The give you advice,
they have more experience
are wiser and the
convo is just a whole lot more interesting.

oh and people always jump to conclusions
'her sugar daddy', they whisper and nudge.
Which i think is
pretty fucking stupid and narrowminded.

Because a man and woman
are perfectly capable of
being just friends
regardless of age difference and etc.

Judge judge judge

Get a life.
dumbfucks

Metrosexual Be Damned

And so he calls

right out of the blue

all husky voiced, luscious lipped

6ft 2

green eyed and non-tattooed

"So what will you do?"

said a fit, but Married Mr.D

"Nothing" I shrug

resisting the urge to let out

a shrill shriek of glee

"No-strings-attached" is such a
'go-do' nowadays"

Mr D says

"Oh but I have enough, to last most days

and in light of all these

metrosexual dudes

who say 'no-strings-attached'

and then get possessive and

come down with the blues,

I'd rather stay home

and count my shoes"

Tempted? Yes. Oh god, yes.

Someone Up There Hates Me

Of all days, today

I wore my white trousers to work

I never do.

With that

I decided to wear my

sky blue leather Puma Mostros
that I hardly ever wear

and then I had to run out
of the office
to go and caption my photographs
and it was bloody pouring cats and dogs.

Hello? White pants?
It wasn't really the pants I worried about
its the SHOES
my precious shoes
don't take well to water
something I discovered
when my ex washed his pair
(same style, different colour)

Damn pissed off okay.
Had to call May and Peter
just to cuss.

Then I come back to the office
eat at my desk
read, correct
listen, transcribe
one after the other
drink lots of water
pee at 15 minute intervals
smoke at 20 minute intervals
(yeah, I thought 'd quit too)

and now?
a whole new goddamn...
urgh
I can't say
forget it.

This One's for May

said Ana..
"But since she's not here, we drink lor!"
apparently they had some kinda
"something something pact, something something target, something something hit"
whispered Ana
"Whatever" said I
and thus, we reaped the benefits
Thank You May!

The Pro Pours

Saturday night,
four girls
said "fuck it" after a stressful week
and out we went
to try and paint the town red
only to discover that
the tukaus and Mat Motors
had already done that for us.

Oh, we hit it all.
Bed.
Glo.
SS.
Bed.
Chic.

we were left wanting
so,
there wasn't a thing left to do
but to wallow in our drinks.

Electric blue cocktails, whisky and blavod.
got the job done.

.

Myoung Pours Our Glasses

Before she runs off with the jug..

.

.

More Lychee than Martini

For the price that we paid
for our 4
WEAK
Lychee Martinis
at Bed
we could have gotten
a bottle of vodka
and 3 cans of lychees
and been very happy!

.

.

Ana Dressed To Match The Drinks And Decor

Suddenly

Its all piling in

the work
new clients
freelance assignments
scripts
brochures
videos
articles
oh
god
I am
so
not used to this

first there is the lull
where theres absolutely
jack shit
to do

and now its like someone
overturned the
dump truck on
me

Meetings.
Everywhere
with people
who i have not seen in ages
with people
who expect me
to entertain them
with business contacts
with clients
with family
rush rush
from one to the other

existing on an average
of 6 hrs sleep per night

waking up to
late night phonecalls
and texts
from lonely man-friends
insiting they are not drunk

the ability to put my
phone on silent
doesn't
exist in me.

Looking forward to the weekend
yet after work
I got other work
and I don't know
if I want to tumble into bed
immediately after
or go out and let loose
the weekend wont really come
there will be more work
involved

Diving into Bed

Oh the possibilities are endless aren't they?

"Let's go to Bed"

"Are you coming to Bed?"

"Would you like to go to Bed with me?"

"I am in bed"

"See you in Bed"

"Wanna romp the night away in Bed?"

"Come to Bed with me baby"

And so, a new lounge is born in Penang
and yes it does resemble
a certain club up north
that I was recently at..

We were excited
nevertheless
because Penang is in dire
need
of fresh new watering holes

'Oooh' we squealed
caressing the plush leather seats

'Its so Apple', said Cel
no doubt
picturing herself
and her Mac
enjoying an afternoon
in Bed.

'What shall we wear to the opening?'
said Myoung
as we sat amongst the boxes
and incomplete construction
last Monday
mental coordinating her outfit.

Excited? That we were.
Impressed, oh yes.
and it's too soon to tell
if the novelty
will wear off.

Unfortunately
the crowd here
is a constant.