Saved by Baja

I am hemming and hawing over dinner
work has been draining
and as I peer into the icy depths of the freezer
mentally calculating the time, the steps, I announce
"I can't do it today, I just can't do it."

And it is a rare occasion indeed in this home when I don't find solace in the ritual of preparing a meal.

So now the predicament. Where and what?
Mexican I think, then sway towards Vietnamese
but it is the faintest leaning
somewhere in my mind I have Fish Tacos swimming
thats where the heart of my stomach is at.

So we drive, still uncertain (because my head has not come to terms with my stomach)
and as he takes the turn that leads us closer to Vietnamese
I exclaim, issuing and automatic U-turn into the other direction

We stand, unsure in front of Pedro's Place, the menu doesn't have Fish Tacos
But its unlikely that I will find that, or good Mexican in Kuala Lumpur town
"Well, lets do it" he says
and in we go.

The place looks unpromising, we stare at each other
then walk out

Beside Pedro's, a KFC.
He jokingly says "lets eat here", a half challenge, hungry and tired and my pickiness
knowing I abhor it
"Lets do it," I say
"I'll walk in if you go first," he says

And so I do.

As we approach the counter " Are you sure?"
I nod and proceed to order
Halfway through my Snack Plate, I give him my chicken
Say I can't do it
We finish the meal silently.

He says "Ok baby, lets go find you something to eat, because I don't want you up at 11 needing and proper meal"
And I have given no indication, yet this man knows me so well

We go to the super, I pick up a snapper fillet, a jar of caliente salsa
taco shells, sour cream

At home, the fish is seasoned,
a red onion swiftly chopped, lettuce rinsed, a tomato diced
the taco shells are popped into the oven to crisp
the fish onto the hot grill pan
10 minutes later we are piling the greens and hot cubes of moist fish into the corn receptacles
dolloping on the sour cream and salsa, the faintest squeeze of lemon

The first bite is enough to erase Colonel's secret recipe
It is fresh, crunchy, savoury, tangy
Perfect.

In it I see visions of opening my own little taqueria
out of an old ice cream van
Fish taco dreams a reality.

-_-

I wake up and we are tangled in each other
warm here, soft there, taut there

I climb on top of him.
It doesn't matter if he's sleeping
for I am sentimental,
overcome

"How did you find me, baby?" I ask

He cracks an eye open...."I find you very interesting..."
(in a Hongky English accent)

-_- way to wake up.

Strategy

We are late-ish for work. I hop into the car,  briefly turn towards him as I arrange this and that

"Wah!" he say, appraising me

"Wah what?" I ask

"Wah, your hair looks different today..."

"What does that mean?" defensive, eyes narrowed

"It means...that...I think your hair needs some strategy.."

Only a man supremely confident in his place in his relationship with me would
dare say such a thing.

A Week Passed

We went to Bangkok.
Bought plates for RM2 each because I'm a genius and decided I wanted to shop ONLY for plates
at Chatuchak.

My objective is set early on for neither of us can stand the heat, nor crowds.

Up at 7.
Light breakfast, in to buy the plates, eat the requisite fried rice and Thai omelette.OUT.
By noon we'll be out I say, and by noon we are. I surprise myself with my precision.
I am like a military operation.

We get back to the room and rejoice over our RM4 plates (yeah! That's what I said)
I stack them all together, the dinner plate, salad/pasta plates, the soup bowls, the saucers
Alas! the dinner plates don't match!

We (I) plan the next day's revisit to change the plates
I mentally marvel at the patience- he is without a doubt
my better half

We go, we change them, these ones are prettier, more modern
and as we leave the proprietor presses change at us
they cost less, RM2.50 per piece

We shake our heads in amazement as I doggedly lead us
in and out of the warren of alleyways, searching for Boat Noodles
'but there's one!' well spotted, but its not the one

We find it. A mound of meats and offal sitting on shaved ice
2 enormous cauldrons of steaming stock with floating balls
piles of dill, basil and pak chi farang
I sit and eat, satiated
Then we leave.

iberry-check, plates-check, fried rice and omelette-check, coconut ice-cream
and bicycling in Lumphini park-check
boat ride and being rowed in the boat by Mr Man-NOT CHECKED!

oh well.

We arrive home at 2 am. I potter about the terrace, no one has bothered
and the plants are not watered
all my cucumber shoots are wilted, the four-angled bean and eggplant still sprightly
the petunias shrivelly
I try my best to nurse them back to succulence
as best I can in 2 am state

As we tumble into bed he turns to me and says,
"baby, at some point, one of us should tell them Simple Life council that we're fucked."

Cats

The cats come in and out of our house
Strays

We do not like them because they spray
So, extra care to close the windows,
the thousand sliding doors,
Yet still they enter, climbing, leaping, sneaking

They bask in the morning sun on the terrace
lounging, aptly, on the sun-lounger, teasing

We cleaned the house
we bought furniture, a kitchen

We made it look like people who actually cared, live there
aesthetically a little more pleasing
than
the dusty messed bachelor pad that it was before

and now they tell me they're putting up netting
on the grills, to keep out the cats

and I baulk at it, the very sort of thing that will
undo all that has been done
turn a space that I have so very slowly begun to relax in
turn it, by adding something that will needle at me every day

it takes so very little to upend my sensitivities
but very few understand that

It is not yet here, and I can't wait to begone.

Mezze

At the bar alone.

And it feels like its been awhile since it was just me. 

Beside me, a group of five maybe. They are food tasting, wine-drinking, smoke unfurling. The owners of this place,- is what I gather from my unavoidable eavesdropping.

People are always disturbed by the thought (sight) of a lone woman. 

At the bar, in the restaurant. They give me concerned looks as I nurse my glass of wine, peruse the bar, the tiling, the finishing. No one ever thinks that I love it.

The manager comes over, would I like to order first? The girls are 15 minutes late..

oh, why not?

I order duck liver pate, spicy prawns in creamy butter sauce. 

The lure of crispy curry leaves.

Maybel arrives, we go to our table. Then Gwyn arrives, a bottle of pinot noir.

We order easily, agreeing to share this and that.

The food comes, parpardelle with beef cheeks, grilled spatchcock with

provencal potatoes, grilled lamb with cous cous. We put aside a plate for Mel, 

because if we don’t portion it out we will eat her share. Everything is divine.

Unexpectedly divine, even more wonderful because.

She arrives, eyes red. There are tears, and we all fall silent as she weeps.

I rub her back, we try and comfort. Someone cracks a joke and we feed her, 

slowly, things get better. We laugh, gossip, plan. The sweet balm of friendship. 

Dessert-sticky toffee pudding. 

They thank me for my recommendation. I accept their thanks.

I had walked past Mezze with the boyfriend 3 nights ago.

“ooh!, this place looks nice, you should bring me on a date!” 

he hemmed and hawed, and I said 

“You know what? The girls will be far more game to come with me! I’ll ask them”.

And thus, a newly discovered favourite neighbourhood bistro.

Simple Life: Day 2

Breakfast was but a cup of coffee, Lunch, my wonderful printer bought
(after I told him the sorrowful Simple Life Story)

Boyfriend spends 10 on his lunch, meaning we have 60 accumulated for dinner
I call him when I am at the store "Pork, beef or chicken for dinner?"
"Pork or beef!" says chicken despiser
"Pork devil curry or, oven-baked with mushrooms and cream?"
"Mushrooms and cream!"

I wander the store for pork loin, mushrooms, brussel sprouts and mustard seeds. It costs about 55 bucks.
I go home, pour a dry vermouth and juice. Fiddle with the herbs, brown mushrooms, onions. Marinate the meat. B Mr. Man comes home, peels the carrots and potatoes, while I set the meat in vermouth and cream into the oven. He finishes the veg while I shower. And tadah!

(there was a picture here but I decided it wasn't good enough)

The Mound

He is clutching his belly, moaning like an injured seal.

"Baby will you rub hong-eew for me?"

I moan and groan, riffling through the pile of 'ex-girlfriend products' to find the right wind-dissipating ointment.

I rub the belly, exclaim "I've never seen such a huge belly!"

pause..then a soft "Don't bluff."

"Okay fine, I've never seen such a huge belly on any boyfriend of mine...if this lasts...you won't."

And my boyfriend laughs at me.

The Simple Life: Day 1

The Challenge when you think of it, is pretty simple.

-30 bucks a day on meals for women, 40 for men (this includes your weekly grocery shop)
-300 bucks a day for other misc spending (ie shopping)
-5000 travel/holiday allowance a month

Other essentials such as car maintenance, toiletries, animal feed exempted from challenge allowances.

The bulk of my expenditure though, has always been spent on food. I'm the person who needs to immediately eat another meal to neutralise the experience of a bad meal. I'm the person who's rather not eat if it isn't what I specified.

So,

Breakfast: 1 slice of multigrain toast with tomme de savoie + fig jam, 1 nespresso latte (home: FOC)
Lunch: Ipoh Curry Mee + Barley Peng (RM21.90)
Tea: Half a curry puff & two pieces of salt & pepper calamari (on the job)
Dinner: Sole & Prawns Meuniere, Green Salad & Brown Rice (cooked by moi, almonds, fish, capers and dill cost 46.34)

Just under the couple budget of RM70 :p

So now I'm sitting waiting for a supplier at Plan B and devising a way to weasel them into buy me lunch. After all, I'm the client :p

Suspension

Maybe it is the seconds in between wakefulness and

sleep

when you are drifting, already in a dream but not completely

submerged within it

yet.

Maybe it is then that one is at their most open

vulnerable

I was suspended in that state last night

almost lost, yet there, solid on his chest

and he said it, again

and I could feel it, my natural reaction

springing out of me

but I caught it, those words

and I reeled them back in

and they turned around and soothed me

told me to allow myself to sleep, that they would be good

and a split second before I fell

they jumped out, went careening out of my mouth

sought him out

I remember my shock, such betrayal

the momentary fright

and then I was out cold.

Infiltrated

I am

oval like an egg

balancing on its end

silvery weight at my very core

you

are like a slithery sea creature

with tentacles that hug every nook and cran

every action weighed, yet not

stable as a rock wedged

in sand

back and forth across the line

you barely nudge

and I sway

on this you play

On Knowing, And Not

Sometime last week:

Me: I want a husband!

Married best friend: Don't bluff!

She called it, alright.

The more time you spend with someone, the more they get to know you,
and vice versa,

the more you expose of yourself, the more you build a relationship

and because I try to be myself as much as possible, I prefer to surround

myself with people who already know the different facets of me.

I am cautious with the people I spend a lot of time with
I am very prudent and conscious of the ties that I build, and don't,
romantically, physically

At this point in my life I am content with my family, my friends
and the level of affection and loyalty I have for them,
this is all that I am currently capable of giving.

But like any human being, I sometimes second guess myself,
I falter, and I say to myself, 'hey you, lets shift dynamics a bit'

And also when you are confronted day in and day out by

an amazing person so persistent in the pursuit

It seems only human to rationalise why you should try

or how the positives could balance out the negatives

So I did, I decided to give the girlfriend part a shot.

When you shift a person from 'Only Friend' mode
to 'Maybe Boyfriend' mode, perspectives change
and god, I hate the person I become in a (possible) relationship

Its hard to explain, in that situation, I am more critical, my standards
come into play and what never niggled at me in 'friend mode'
niggles at me constantly, thus it ends with me being annoyed at the
person, and annoyed/disgusted at myself for being so rigid, so petty
as have to constantly remind myself of the more important

beauties of this personality.

Then everything else came into play, the logistics of a relationship
carting my stuff here and there, schedules, responsibilities etc

Can't do it. Its just stress.

And existence of purely myself and my circles of family and good friends
is one that is easy, and selfish to a point, but it works for me and it ensures
that I commit fully in each place that needs it.

Could be timing, personalities, or that this just isn't it.

But to proceed further could be the death of a great friendship.

That's where I'm at today.

Revelation

Today I said it, and it made me take a step back and look at myself, the situation
the people, actions, world, spinning on axis before me.

"I'm so fucking scared I'll get married because I'm bored."

In with the NY/CNY festivities in the past months, I've caught up with so many
that I haven't seen in a long time and the initial response is always the same
"You've been in KL for over 2 years?, that's a record for you!"

It is, KL for upwards of 2, Malaysia for upwards of 3.

I need a change of scene, a challenge.

And don't get me wrong, I do want marriage, kids, the whole she-bang
but right now, it terrifies, or maybe I just haven't met the sort of
person that it takes to move me into that sort of sphere yet.

And maybe I'm not done being just me.

Eyes

My boss and I are pretty close
So the other day she asked me for a usual, after work drink.

"Can't, I've got a date.'
"Is it a blind date?.'
"No, but if I married this guy I'd have to be blind"
"Maybe you can stab your eye with a fork.."
"Maybe I need two forks."
"Better use teaspoons, then you can save them as souvenirs."
"Yes, they can be his wedding gift.."
"You bring new meaning to the term 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."


A few days later...

I forward her an email that someone has written in very bad english to me
saying "You think this is bad, you should have heard him on the phone,
made me want to stab my eyes out"

She replied with , "You can't, you have to save them for your husband-to-be"

"PS this -_- is what you will look like when you give him your eyes."

Damn kwai lan.

Masochistic Me

I cancelled a date today in favour of the company of my colleagues/friends
who say that I should save my 'date cancelling' template
so that I don't have to sit with them and plot, each time.

And it wasn't until I sat down with them, took the first sip of wine
that I realised that I was upset.

I told them what I did, masochistic me,
how the permeation of scent served to remind me
the clinging embrace

And they said 'Oh Aj..' and stroked my hair

And sometimes, sometimes I want to stop being the strong one
but I don't know how.

Sometimes, I wonder if its time to stop deflecting, start engaging
stop saying 'we can't' and starting saying 'this is how we can'.

Work Fun

I pick up a colleagues call while she's on another line and MSN her about it after.


Me: (11:54:01 AM)
fong teng from ****** has just return your call

Me: (11:54:10 AM)
she wants you to return it back

Me: (11:54:15 AM)
to her, obviously

Me: (11:54:24 AM)
what kind of a game are you guys playing?

:p

Her: LOL, phone tag apparently!!


This you can do to highly stressed people when they are fielding calls all day and you are 15 minutes to a half day off before a long weekend holiday break at a boutique resort on a beautiful island with a catamaran to sail around the islands and cooking onboard while dolphins trail the boat with your kid sister on her first holiday with you since your mum passed away and ever *DEEP BREATH*


Gotta go!

Month Two

Two months ago, I arrived in Penang for my best friend's baby shower.
A week(or two?) later, I sat in the airport to leave, still coming to terms with
all that had happened, finding my mother dead after the baby shower,
making arrangements with my aunt in the funeral house, the mortuary
the wake, the funeral, the crematorium, cleaning out her effects,
her entire life..just gone..
so unexpectedly. I tried to write this then.

~~~~~~~~

No matter what you envision when you think about the people closest to you dying,
nothing ever prepares you for the fact.

Your imagination cannot begin to conjure it.

It’s been a week since we found mother, tried to get into the locked front grill,
then once we were in, battering down the room door.

A week since I looked at Cheryl and told her I did not want her there,
I could not have her there.

I thought that mum had finally gone and done it,
the suicide that she’d threatened off and on.

And I could not bear Cheryl’s last memory of our mother being this.

There was a flicker of optimism, maybe that she’d just needed a break,
gone on a holiday, away somewhere.

That thought filled me with anger, for making us worry,
Cheryl at 14.

But deep down inside of me, I already knew she wasn’t there.
I couldn’t feel her presence.

I took Cheryl downstairs, called her dad, called my aunt.

I had awoken early that morning, gripped with a slow panic.
And I told Sean at lunch, I said ‘I think my mum is dead.’

Cheryl and I had been trying to reach her all of the day before (Friday)
I called John, he said he’d tried Thursday.

So after I left John battering the door and I took Cheryl downstairs,
he phoned me to tell me that ‘Mummy is gone, Ja, she’s gone’
and I said ‘What do you mean gone?’ turning away so Cheryl couldn’t hear me.

‘Gone’.

I told Cheryl.

My aunt says we were crying when she arrived, but everything for me,
from then is a blur. I remember bits and pieces, others my friends and aunts fill in.

I remember Vig, Kok Meng, Chee Tuck and Ian arriving.
Me telling them point-blank. Asking Vig to go and check.

Aunt Nat says that I was crying on the phone, I kept telling her to
"Just come home, just come home!"


I never thought that I’d find myself in the mortuary 9.30pm,
Saturday, September 26, signing the papers to release my mother's
body. Or there again to identify her, pick her up and take her to the
funeral parlour.

I never thought at 26, that there would be no mum.

I never thought that I would have to collect her death certificate, anyone's death cert
at this point in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then I couldn't write anymore, I boarded my flight and I came back to KL.
Joe called me out for a drink, I said I'd just have one, I was pooped.
He said "You'll have as many as I deem fit."

And now, sometimes I forget, I look at my phone, I think
"Oh, I'll call mum" then realisation hits.

Sometimes I dream about her, wake up crying, and I can't say I regret

but I feel the loss of all the things that I had planned to do with her
how I had planned to try and mend our relationship
move away from last year and what we had been in my teenage years

I wanted to stop being the mother, be more of her friend,
then have her be more of my mother.

And now, when I watch a movie with the slightest familial
or even romantic emotion in it, I'm waterworks
because I miss her for all the times in my future that I will need her
my next heartbreak, my marriage, my children.

For Cheryl, finishing highschool, going away to college
for Cheryl growing up.

So, two months on, I really hope she's in a better place.
And it was peaceful, I'm glad it was peaceful, because my biggest nightmare
is that it wasn't.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheryl and I go on our first holiday together in 2 weeks
Two sisters, different fathers, 400km and 12 years apart

We will be on a boat sailing the Andaman sea towards Thailand
I dreamt of it, of dolphins trailing behind us, her face lighting up
and I can see us, our feet dipping in the salty water
wishing our mum was with us somehow.

Communication

I suddenly remember that I am supposed to remind C about dinner..

A:Please notes that yous and Is ares supposed to having dinners tomorrows

C: And Is ares?Dinners noted.Qui tiam ar?

A: Dunno. You wanting to coming to town or I meets yous somewheres?

C:Vat dju vaan tu eet?

A:Maybe we theenks abouts it tomorrows. You have thoughts?

C:Haf huf tots ov za pasta. Yummmmmmmmm

A:Oowh..za pasta there's many good!here. Za Neros, za baritalia, za chiarascuro, za ciccio, za sumfink sumfink..many!many!

C:Okay!Zapasta eet ees!I za hungwy nao.

A:I jez eet za beeg salat. Why you no eet?

C:I eet. Juz zapasta toto zoundz good.

A:Ohkey! Tomorrow we eet zapasta!We try za new gutt!

C:Hokay! Eesa dade.

A:Wooooh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A:We are such lamers. Taking an evening walk on my own and *CRACKING* up! :p

C:HAHAha. Penang beeble are spechul.


Indeed.

Silence

It is an unsaid, intangible "Are we okay?"

but, yes, yes we are.

Rub My Temple

If this is not whipped into place
I could start my own forest reserve.

Time/Games

The push and pull
the ebb and flow
the struggle, the ease
the tease

Why do we play these games, unwittingly
whether or not we want to

Working so hard to make all things fall into place
and some will tell you, 'it isn't so hard'
that if it is then its probably not right, not worth it

Yet others will say that pain, suffering, work
are part and parcel of life

So what now?

Patience is apparently what I lack.
and so I am half-half

I want to ask, I want to say
So you don't waste your time or mine
'what do you want of me?'
but then what does that start/end
and am I ready for it?

I dipped my feet in
You let them languish
I will dip no further
And the pool, if you do not feed it
will evaporate
uncovering my feet
leaving them free to walk on

A Dream

I dreamt of mother last night
probably not for the first time, but it is the first time
that it is recalled with clarity.

We had found her again, and she was cold as stone
So we wrapped her up, in the kind of linen nappies that
you wrap babies in
It seemed she had been gone for two weeks
And as we were wrapping, she woke

And I remember thinking about all the arrangements
made, the money spent and how come she could be
gone two weeks and suddenly wake?

The next scene and it is a beautiful day
and for some reason we are rushing to the airport
through immigration
I've forgotten my passport

Then mother is at the top of a high building
I can't see the top it's so high and concealed by mist and clouds
and mother jumps
and as she plunges to the bottom
I remember thingking 'There is no way someone can survive this'
and she lands in a ripple-less dive in the pool at the bottom
and then she resurfaces, grinning.

What does it mean? What does it mean?

Sticking

Some of my close male friends I've insisted on calling by other names.
names that to me, seem to suit them better.

Like how R is Pete and A is Joe.

So couple of months ago, Joe, who has relentlessly fought being called
Joe for about 10 years, introduces me to his friend Joe.

"Nah Ja, this guy is also another Joe.."

My eyes meet his in mirth as realisation of his subliminal acceptance
is registered.

:D

MMJ

Office space sharer : Why have you looked so sad recently?
Me: My mother just died a month ago.

I say it bluntly, to wound rather than invite sympathy
for I've never taken to her and her pink crocs
and then I feel bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking to work today shuffling through Augie March, Art of Fighting and Kings of Leon
I thought 'Oh I must listen to My Morning Jacket'
so I did, and I must have momentarily gotten distracted
because I was surprised to be struck by how much I like,
no, love My Morning Jacket.

The best.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cooked cous cous and lamb and roast potatoes in duck fat for
three people last night, starting at 8.30pm, these latin people sure eat late
last arrival at 9pm (with a bottle of choya for moi!)
and they help me, stir, chop, peel, as I season

"Soy sauce?really?" they say when I marinate the lamb with
We duck and stretch, all four of us in the tiny kitchen
they pass a joint, I sip from my wine-glass
we sit down at 9.30

grilled lamb, cous cous, vegetable and chickpea stew
golden roast potatoes, pan con tomate, grilled pumpkin and eggplant
mint and redcurrant jelly, just us four and the table is laden

First we are famished, then too soon, we are unable to eat, move, speak
"Can I offer you anything?" my hosts say while I try to figure out
how to move
"If you're going to offer me anything, offer me a bed".

One Month

Today marks a month since we found my mother,
but I'd say a month plus a day or two since her death.

I went back to Penang this past weekend,
to see family, to see my best friend and her new baby
and came back late last night, exhausted to the core.

And today someone asked me "Was it difficult?"

"Was it difficult, or were you iron-strong as usual?"
I said to her that while it wasn't that difficult, it was just tiring.

Being strong and calm and collected is just tiring
but I don't know how to be anything but.

I wonder if I'll ever learn
Sometimes I feel like I am made of stone
so conditioned am I to dealing with the tough
that fragility is lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister and I, hand-in-hand lying in bed
talking about her dreams about our mum,
hand-in-hand, at the market, picking out flowers
to put at her grave,
we decided on a red and white colour theme
she picks the whites, I pick the reds

At the grave, we sit on the marble, rub the dust off (There's dust already?!?)
of the picture of mum smiling
and then we busy ourselves arranging flowers
over mummy and nanna, stripping off leaves, thorns
five minutes, ten, twelve past
I stand up, look over at the kid
"Ready?"

We stand hand-in-hand at the foot of mother's grave
and I say "May her soul rest in peace"
my sister says "Amen" the same time I start to continue with
"and let the perpetual light shine upon her o lord"

"You got it wrong che-che!" she says
"Oh whatever!" I say as we make our way through the headstones and weeds.

And then its done.

Chat

I am chatting with my three aunts

who are together in Singapore

One from Penang, on from Japan, one from Singapore

They have been sad they say, thinking of my mother

feeling guilt for not being there enough,

solitary, weepy

so they've come together for support (and shopping)

and things are slightly better.

I remember the last time I was in SG, the same three aunts

plus one

And we were playing cards, eating Chinese devil curry

and aunt Nat said " I wish Mina were here"

and then everyone snapped at her for, thinking but not doing

but I guess in our own ways, we all did what we could

They tell me that they have to go, they got

"Noodles and then shopping"

They tell me they love me

"Have fun!" I say

"Don't die".

Tooth & Nail

I sometimes feel like I am struggling, hanging on

by the skin of my teeth

to something where the end is inevitable

And yet though I know it, know rationally how this story will play out

for this goes against common sense

I have stopped trying to fathom

how it has such a hold on me

It is a cycle that I must go through, masochistic and self-damaging as it is

that I must wholly give in to it, before am wholly cleansed of it

I feel like I am treading in a river, the current somehow holding me aloft

I am trying to make my way towards the left bank,

despite seeing that it is crumbling into the water

and on the right bank, someone has tossed me a life line

but I cannot yet reach for it

not till I am ready, not till I am sure

even if you split my face into the widest of grins

It will take me being clean out of this mess before

I can even begin to clearly and fairly

assess the options that I am lucky enough

to be presented with.

But I've done this before, and though it doesn't get easier

it will pass, and life goes on, as it does.

Bruised

I took my heart out from its protective cover
placed it in my palm
held it out
and it got bruised.

But then, I knew it would.

And I am learning
that seeing other people only serves as temporary cover
adds confusion
and clarity where I don't want it.

Unless I can be so selfish as to tell someone
'don't fall in love with me'.

Unless I can draw lines across the blueprints of a 'relationship'
say 'this is what we are, what we can be'
'what I can give, but no more than this'
Is that fair?