Being Lulubelle

Saved by Baja

2011-10-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

I am hemming and hawing over dinner
work has been draining
and as I peer into the icy depths of the freezer
mentally calculating the time, the steps, I announce
"I can't do it today, I just can't do it."

And it is a rare occasion indeed in this home when I don't find solace in the ritual of preparing a meal.

So now the predicament. Where and what?
Mexican I think, then sway towards Vietnamese
but it is the faintest leaning
somewhere in my mind I have Fish Tacos swimming
thats where the heart of my stomach is at.

So we drive, still uncertain (because my head has not come to terms with my stomach)
and as he takes the turn that leads us closer to Vietnamese
I exclaim, issuing and automatic U-turn into the other direction

We stand, unsure in front of Pedro's Place, the menu doesn't have Fish Tacos
But its unlikely that I will find that, or good Mexican in Kuala Lumpur town
"Well, lets do it" he says
and in we go.

The place looks unpromising, we stare at each other
then walk out

Beside Pedro's, a KFC.
He jokingly says "lets eat here", a half challenge, hungry and tired and my pickiness
knowing I abhor it
"Lets do it," I say
"I'll walk in if you go first," he says

And so I do.

As we approach the counter " Are you sure?"
I nod and proceed to order
Halfway through my Snack Plate, I give him my chicken
Say I can't do it
We finish the meal silently.

He says "Ok baby, lets go find you something to eat, because I don't want you up at 11 needing and proper meal"
And I have given no indication, yet this man knows me so well

We go to the super, I pick up a snapper fillet, a jar of caliente salsa
taco shells, sour cream

At home, the fish is seasoned,
a red onion swiftly chopped, lettuce rinsed, a tomato diced
the taco shells are popped into the oven to crisp
the fish onto the hot grill pan
10 minutes later we are piling the greens and hot cubes of moist fish into the corn receptacles
dolloping on the sour cream and salsa, the faintest squeeze of lemon

The first bite is enough to erase Colonel's secret recipe
It is fresh, crunchy, savoury, tangy
Perfect.

In it I see visions of opening my own little taqueria
out of an old ice cream van
Fish taco dreams a reality.

-_-

2011-01-27T10:23:00.000+08:00

I wake up and we are tangled in each other
warm here, soft there, taut there

I climb on top of him.
It doesn't matter if he's sleeping
for I am sentimental,
overcome

"How did you find me, baby?" I ask

He cracks an eye open...."I find you very interesting..."
(in a Hongky English accent)

-_- way to wake up.

Strategy

2011-01-25T18:30:00.000+08:00

We are late-ish for work. I hop into the car, briefly turn towards him as I arrange this and that

"Wah!" he say, appraising me

"Wah what?" I ask

"Wah, your hair looks different today..."

"What does that mean?" defensive, eyes narrowed

"It means...that...I think your hair needs some strategy.."

Only a man supremely confident in his place in his relationship with me would
dare say such a thing.

A Week Passed

2011-01-25T18:26:00.000+08:00

We went to Bangkok.
Bought plates for RM2 each because I'm a genius and decided I wanted to shop ONLY for plates
at Chatuchak.

My objective is set early on for neither of us can stand the heat, nor crowds.

Up at 7.
Light breakfast, in to buy the plates, eat the requisite fried rice and Thai omelette.OUT.
By noon we'll be out I say, and by noon we are. I surprise myself with my precision.
I am like a military operation.

We get back to the room and rejoice over our RM4 plates (yeah! That's what I said)
I stack them all together, the dinner plate, salad/pasta plates, the soup bowls, the saucers
Alas! the dinner plates don't match!

We (I) plan the next day's revisit to change the plates
I mentally marvel at the patience- he is without a doubt
my better half

We go, we change them, these ones are prettier, more modern
and as we leave the proprietor presses change at us
they cost less, RM2.50 per piece

We shake our heads in amazement as I doggedly lead us
in and out of the warren of alleyways, searching for Boat Noodles
'but there's one!' well spotted, but its not the one

We find it. A mound of meats and offal sitting on shaved ice
2 enormous cauldrons of steaming stock with floating balls
piles of dill, basil and pak chi farang
I sit and eat, satiated
Then we leave.

iberry-check, plates-check, fried rice and omelette-check, coconut ice-cream
and bicycling in Lumphini park-check
boat ride and being rowed in the boat by Mr Man-NOT CHECKED!

oh well.

We arrive home at 2 am. I potter about the terrace, no one has bothered
and the plants are not watered
all my cucumber shoots are wilted, the four-angled bean and eggplant still sprightly
the petunias shrivelly
I try my best to nurse them back to succulence
as best I can in 2 am state

As we tumble into bed he turns to me and says,
"baby, at some point, one of us should tell them Simple Life council that we're fucked."

Cats

2011-01-12T11:40:00.000+08:00

The cats come in and out of our house
Strays

We do not like them because they spray
So, extra care to close the windows,
the thousand sliding doors,
Yet still they enter, climbing, leaping, sneaking

They bask in the morning sun on the terrace
lounging, aptly, on the sun-lounger, teasing

We cleaned the house
we bought furniture, a kitchen

We made it look like people who actually cared, live there
aesthetically a little more pleasing
than
the dusty messed bachelor pad that it was before

and now they tell me they're putting up netting
on the grills, to keep out the cats

and I baulk at it, the very sort of thing that will
undo all that has been done
turn a space that I have so very slowly begun to relax in
turn it, by adding something that will needle at me every day

it takes so very little to upend my sensitivities
but very few understand that

It is not yet here, and I can't wait to begone.

Mezze

2011-01-06T18:14:00.000+08:00

At the bar alone.

And it feels like its been awhile since it was just me.

Beside me, a group of five maybe. They are food tasting, wine-drinking, smoke unfurling. The owners of this place,- is what I gather from my unavoidable eavesdropping.

People are always disturbed by the thought (sight) of a lone woman.

At the bar, in the restaurant. They give me concerned looks as I nurse my glass of wine, peruse the bar, the tiling, the finishing. No one ever thinks that I love it.

The manager comes over, would I like to order first? The girls are 15 minutes late..

oh, why not?

I order duck liver pate, spicy prawns in creamy butter sauce.

The lure of crispy curry leaves.

Maybel arrives, we go to our table. Then Gwyn arrives, a bottle of pinot noir.

We order easily, agreeing to share this and that.

The food comes, parpardelle with beef cheeks, grilled spatchcock with

provencal potatoes, grilled lamb with cous cous. We put aside a plate for Mel,

because if we don’t portion it out we will eat her share. Everything is divine.

Unexpectedly divine, even more wonderful because.

She arrives, eyes red. There are tears, and we all fall silent as she weeps.

I rub her back, we try and comfort. Someone cracks a joke and we feed her,

slowly, things get better. We laugh, gossip, plan. The sweet balm of friendship.

Dessert-sticky toffee pudding.

They thank me for my recommendation. I accept their thanks.

I had walked past Mezze with the boyfriend 3 nights ago.

“ooh!, this place looks nice, you should bring me on a date!”

he hemmed and hawed, and I said

“You know what? The girls will be far more game to come with me! I’ll ask them”.

And thus, a newly discovered favourite neighbourhood bistro.

Simple Life: Day 2

2010-12-03T16:43:00.002+08:00

Breakfast was but a cup of coffee, Lunch, my wonderful printer bought
(after I told him the sorrowful Simple Life Story)

Boyfriend spends 10 on his lunch, meaning we have 60 accumulated for dinner
I call him when I am at the store "Pork, beef or chicken for dinner?"
"Pork or beef!" says chicken despiser
"Pork devil curry or, oven-baked with mushrooms and cream?"
"Mushrooms and cream!"

I wander the store for pork loin, mushrooms, brussel sprouts and mustard seeds. It costs about 55 bucks.
I go home, pour a dry vermouth and juice. Fiddle with the herbs, brown mushrooms, onions. Marinate the meat. B Mr. Man comes home, peels the carrots and potatoes, while I set the meat in vermouth and cream into the oven. He finishes the veg while I shower. And tadah!

(there was a picture here but I decided it wasn't good enough)

The Mound

2010-12-03T16:41:00.000+08:00

He is clutching his belly, moaning like an injured seal.

"Baby will you rub hong-eew for me?"

I moan and groan, riffling through the pile of 'ex-girlfriend products' to find the right wind-dissipating ointment.

I rub the belly, exclaim "I've never seen such a huge belly!"

pause..then a soft "Don't bluff."

"Okay fine, I've never seen such a huge belly on any boyfriend of mine...if this lasts...you won't."

And my boyfriend laughs at me.

The Simple Life: Day 1

2010-12-01T16:26:00.001+08:00

The Challenge when you think of it, is pretty simple.

-30 bucks a day on meals for women, 40 for men (this includes your weekly grocery shop)
-300 bucks a day for other misc spending (ie shopping)
-5000 travel/holiday allowance a month

Other essentials such as car maintenance, toiletries, animal feed exempted from challenge allowances.

The bulk of my expenditure though, has always been spent on food. I'm the person who needs to immediately eat another meal to neutralise the experience of a bad meal. I'm the person who's rather not eat if it isn't what I specified.

So,

Breakfast: 1 slice of multigrain toast with tomme de savoie + fig jam, 1 nespresso latte (home: FOC)
Lunch: Ipoh Curry Mee + Barley Peng (RM21.90)
Tea: Half a curry puff & two pieces of salt & pepper calamari (on the job)
Dinner: Sole & Prawns Meuniere, Green Salad & Brown Rice (cooked by moi, almonds, fish, capers and dill cost 46.34)

Just under the couple budget of RM70 :p

So now I'm sitting waiting for a supplier at Plan B and devising a way to weasel them into buy me lunch. After all, I'm the client :p

Suspension

2010-04-16T15:11:00.006+08:00

Maybe it is the seconds in between wakefulness and

sleep

when you are drifting, already in a dream but not completely

submerged within it

yet.

Maybe it is then that one is at their most open

vulnerable

I was suspended in that state last night

almost lost, yet there, solid on his chest

and he said it, again

and I could feel it, my natural reaction

springing out of me

but I caught it, those words

and I reeled them back in

and they turned around and soothed me

told me to allow myself to sleep, that they would be good

and a split second before I fell

they jumped out, went careening out of my mouth

sought him out

I remember my shock, such betrayal

the momentary fright

and then I was out cold.

Infiltrated

2010-04-09T16:06:00.004+08:00

I am

oval like an egg

balancing on its end

silvery weight at my very core

you

are like a slithery sea creature

with tentacles that hug every nook and cran

every action weighed, yet not

stable as a rock wedged

in sand

back and forth across the line

you barely nudge

and I sway

on this you play

On Knowing, And Not

2010-04-05T15:18:00.004+08:00

Sometime last week:

Me: I want a husband!

Married best friend: Don't bluff!

She called it, alright.

The more time you spend with someone, the more they get to know you,
and vice versa,

the more you expose of yourself, the more you build a relationship

and because I try to be myself as much as possible, I prefer to surround

myself with people who already know the different facets of me.

I am cautious with the people I spend a lot of time with
I am very prudent and conscious of the ties that I build, and don't,
romantically, physically

At this point in my life I am content with my family, my friends
and the level of affection and loyalty I have for them,
this is all that I am currently capable of giving.

But like any human being, I sometimes second guess myself,
I falter, and I say to myself, 'hey you, lets shift dynamics a bit'

And also when you are confronted day in and day out by

an amazing person so persistent in the pursuit

It seems only human to rationalise why you should try

or how the positives could balance out the negatives

So I did, I decided to give the girlfriend part a shot.

When you shift a person from 'Only Friend' mode
to 'Maybe Boyfriend' mode, perspectives change
and god, I hate the person I become in a (possible) relationship

Its hard to explain, in that situation, I am more critical, my standards
come into play and what never niggled at me in 'friend mode'
niggles at me constantly, thus it ends with me being annoyed at the
person, and annoyed/disgusted at myself for being so rigid, so petty
as have to constantly remind myself of the more important

beauties of this personality.

Then everything else came into play, the logistics of a relationship
carting my stuff here and there, schedules, responsibilities etc

Can't do it. Its just stress.

And existence of purely myself and my circles of family and good friends
is one that is easy, and selfish to a point, but it works for me and it ensures
that I commit fully in each place that needs it.

Could be timing, personalities, or that this just isn't it.

But to proceed further could be the death of a great friendship.

That's where I'm at today.

Revelation

2010-02-24T11:18:00.002+08:00

Today I said it, and it made me take a step back and look at myself, the situation
the people, actions, world, spinning on axis before me.

"I'm so fucking scared I'll get married because I'm bored."

In with the NY/CNY festivities in the past months, I've caught up with so many
that I haven't seen in a long time and the initial response is always the same
"You've been in KL for over 2 years?, that's a record for you!"

It is, KL for upwards of 2, Malaysia for upwards of 3.

I need a change of scene, a challenge.

And don't get me wrong, I do want marriage, kids, the whole she-bang
but right now, it terrifies, or maybe I just haven't met the sort of
person that it takes to move me into that sort of sphere yet.

And maybe I'm not done being just me.

Eyes

2010-02-12T15:15:00.003+08:00

My boss and I are pretty close
So the other day she asked me for a usual, after work drink.

"Can't, I've got a date.'
"Is it a blind date?.'
"No, but if I married this guy I'd have to be blind"
"Maybe you can stab your eye with a fork.."
"Maybe I need two forks."
"Better use teaspoons, then you can save them as souvenirs."
"Yes, they can be his wedding gift.."
"You bring new meaning to the term 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

A few days later...

I forward her an email that someone has written in very bad english to me
saying "You think this is bad, you should have heard him on the phone,
made me want to stab my eyes out"

She replied with , "You can't, you have to save them for your husband-to-be"

"PS this -_- is what you will look like when you give him your eyes."

Damn kwai lan.

Masochistic Me

2010-02-12T11:24:00.001+08:00

I cancelled a date today in favour of the company of my colleagues/friends
who say that I should save my 'date cancelling' template
so that I don't have to sit with them and plot, each time.

And it wasn't until I sat down with them, took the first sip of wine
that I realised that I was upset.

I told them what I did, masochistic me,
how the permeation of scent served to remind me
the clinging embrace

And they said 'Oh Aj..' and stroked my hair

And sometimes, sometimes I want to stop being the strong one
but I don't know how.

Sometimes, I wonder if its time to stop deflecting, start engaging
stop saying 'we can't' and starting saying 'this is how we can'.

Work Fun

2009-12-04T11:55:00.003+08:00

I pick up a colleagues call while she's on another line and MSN her about it after.

Me: (11:54:01 AM)
fong teng from ****** has just return your call

Me: (11:54:10 AM)
she wants you to return it back

Me: (11:54:15 AM)
to her, obviously

Me: (11:54:24 AM)
what kind of a game are you guys playing?

:p

Her: LOL, phone tag apparently!!

This you can do to highly stressed people when they are fielding calls all day and you are 15 minutes to a half day off before a long weekend holiday break at a boutique resort on a beautiful island with a catamaran to sail around the islands and cooking onboard while dolphins trail the boat with your kid sister on her first holiday with you since your mum passed away and ever *DEEP BREATH*

Gotta go!

Month Two

2009-11-24T22:15:00.002+08:00

Two months ago, I arrived in Penang for my best friend's baby shower.
A week(or two?) later, I sat in the airport to leave, still coming to terms with
all that had happened, finding my mother dead after the baby shower,
making arrangements with my aunt in the funeral house, the mortuary
the wake, the funeral, the crematorium, cleaning out her effects,
her entire life..just gone..
so unexpectedly. I tried to write this then.

~~~~~~~~

No matter what you envision when you think about the people closest to you dying,
nothing ever prepares you for the fact.

Your imagination cannot begin to conjure it.

It’s been a week since we found mother, tried to get into the locked front grill,
then once we were in, battering down the room door.

A week since I looked at Cheryl and told her I did not want her there,
I could not have her there.

I thought that mum had finally gone and done it,
the suicide that she’d threatened off and on.

And I could not bear Cheryl’s last memory of our mother being this.

There was a flicker of optimism, maybe that she’d just needed a break,
gone on a holiday, away somewhere.

That thought filled me with anger, for making us worry,
Cheryl at 14.

But deep down inside of me, I already knew she wasn’t there.
I couldn’t feel her presence.

I took Cheryl downstairs, called her dad, called my aunt.

I had awoken early that morning, gripped with a slow panic.
And I told Sean at lunch, I said ‘I think my mum is dead.’

Cheryl and I had been trying to reach her all of the day before (Friday)
I called John, he said he’d tried Thursday.

So after I left John battering the door and I took Cheryl downstairs,
he phoned me to tell me that ‘Mummy is gone, Ja, she’s gone’
and I said ‘What do you mean gone?’ turning away so Cheryl couldn’t hear me.

‘Gone’.

I told Cheryl.

My aunt says we were crying when she arrived, but everything for me,
from then is a blur. I remember bits and pieces, others my friends and aunts fill in.

I remember Vig, Kok Meng, Chee Tuck and Ian arriving.
Me telling them point-blank. Asking Vig to go and check.

Aunt Nat says that I was crying on the phone, I kept telling her to
"Just come home, just come home!"

I never thought that I’d find myself in the mortuary 9.30pm,
Saturday, September 26, signing the papers to release my mother's
body. Or there again to identify her, pick her up and take her to the
funeral parlour.

I never thought at 26, that there would be no mum.

I never thought that I would have to collect her death certificate, anyone's death cert
at this point in my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then I couldn't write anymore, I boarded my flight and I came back to KL.
Joe called me out for a drink, I said I'd just have one, I was pooped.
He said "You'll have as many as I deem fit."

And now, sometimes I forget, I look at my phone, I think
"Oh, I'll call mum" then realisation hits.

Sometimes I dream about her, wake up crying, and I can't say I regret

but I feel the loss of all the things that I had planned to do with her
how I had planned to try and mend our relationship
move away from last year and what we had been in my teenage years

I wanted to stop being the mother, be more of her friend,
then have her be more of my mother.

And now, when I watch a movie with the slightest familial
or even romantic emotion in it, I'm waterworks
because I miss her for all the times in my future that I will need her
my next heartbreak, my marriage, my children.

For Cheryl, finishing highschool, going away to college
for Cheryl growing up.

So, two months on, I really hope she's in a better place.
And it was peaceful, I'm glad it was peaceful, because my biggest nightmare
is that it wasn't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheryl and I go on our first holiday together in 2 weeks
Two sisters, different fathers, 400km and 12 years apart

We will be on a boat sailing the Andaman sea towards Thailand
I dreamt of it, of dolphins trailing behind us, her face lighting up
and I can see us, our feet dipping in the salty water
wishing our mum was with us somehow.

Communication

2009-11-24T21:59:00.002+08:00

I suddenly remember that I am supposed to remind C about dinner..

A:Please notes that yous and Is ares supposed to having dinners tomorrows

C: And Is ares?Dinners noted.Qui tiam ar?

A: Dunno. You wanting to coming to town or I meets yous somewheres?

C:Vat dju vaan tu eet?

A:Maybe we theenks abouts it tomorrows. You have thoughts?

C:Haf huf tots ov za pasta. Yummmmmmmmm

A:Oowh..za pasta there's many good!here. Za Neros, za baritalia, za chiarascuro, za ciccio, za sumfink sumfink..many!many!

C:Okay!Zapasta eet ees!I za hungwy nao.

A:I jez eet za beeg salat. Why you no eet?

C:I eet. Juz zapasta toto zoundz good.

A:Ohkey! Tomorrow we eet zapasta!We try za new gutt!

C:Hokay! Eesa dade.

A:Wooooh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A:We are such lamers. Taking an evening walk on my own and *CRACKING* up! :p

C:HAHAha. Penang beeble are spechul.

Indeed.

Silence

2009-11-10T16:38:00.001+08:00

It is an unsaid, intangible "Are we okay?"

but, yes, yes we are.

Rub My Temple

2009-11-10T14:18:00.001+08:00

If this is not whipped into place
I could start my own forest reserve.

Time/Games

2009-11-10T14:05:00.002+08:00

The push and pull
the ebb and flow
the struggle, the ease
the tease

Why do we play these games, unwittingly
whether or not we want to

Working so hard to make all things fall into place
and some will tell you, 'it isn't so hard'
that if it is then its probably not right, not worth it

Yet others will say that pain, suffering, work
are part and parcel of life

So what now?

Patience is apparently what I lack.
and so I am half-half

I want to ask, I want to say
So you don't waste your time or mine
'what do you want of me?'
but then what does that start/end
and am I ready for it?

I dipped my feet in
You let them languish
I will dip no further
And the pool, if you do not feed it
will evaporate
uncovering my feet
leaving them free to walk on

A Dream

2009-11-10T13:59:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of mother last night
probably not for the first time, but it is the first time
that it is recalled with clarity.

We had found her again, and she was cold as stone
So we wrapped her up, in the kind of linen nappies that
you wrap babies in
It seemed she had been gone for two weeks
And as we were wrapping, she woke

And I remember thinking about all the arrangements
made, the money spent and how come she could be
gone two weeks and suddenly wake?

The next scene and it is a beautiful day
and for some reason we are rushing to the airport
through immigration
I've forgotten my passport

Then mother is at the top of a high building
I can't see the top it's so high and concealed by mist and clouds
and mother jumps
and as she plunges to the bottom
I remember thingking 'There is no way someone can survive this'
and she lands in a ripple-less dive in the pool at the bottom
and then she resurfaces, grinning.

What does it mean? What does it mean?

Sticking

2009-11-10T13:55:00.002+08:00

Some of my close male friends I've insisted on calling by other names.
names that to me, seem to suit them better.

Like how R is Pete and A is Joe.

So couple of months ago, Joe, who has relentlessly fought being called
Joe for about 10 years, introduces me to his friend Joe.

"Nah Ja, this guy is also another Joe.."

My eyes meet his in mirth as realisation of his subliminal acceptance
is registered.

:D

MMJ

2009-10-27T15:27:00.004+08:00

Office space sharer : Why have you looked so sad recently?
Me: My mother just died a month ago.

I say it bluntly, to wound rather than invite sympathy
for I've never taken to her and her pink crocs
and then I feel bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking to work today shuffling through Augie March, Art of Fighting and Kings of Leon
I thought 'Oh I must listen to My Morning Jacket'
so I did, and I must have momentarily gotten distracted
because I was surprised to be struck by how much I like,
no, love My Morning Jacket.

The best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cooked cous cous and lamb and roast potatoes in duck fat for
three people last night, starting at 8.30pm, these latin people sure eat late
last arrival at 9pm (with a bottle of choya for moi!)
and they help me, stir, chop, peel, as I season

"Soy sauce?really?" they say when I marinate the lamb with
We duck and stretch, all four of us in the tiny kitchen
they pass a joint, I sip from my wine-glass
we sit down at 9.30

grilled lamb, cous cous, vegetable and chickpea stew
golden roast potatoes, pan con tomate, grilled pumpkin and eggplant
mint and redcurrant jelly, just us four and the table is laden

First we are famished, then too soon, we are unable to eat, move, speak
"Can I offer you anything?" my hosts say while I try to figure out
how to move
"If you're going to offer me anything, offer me a bed".

One Month

2009-10-26T09:47:00.003+08:00

Today marks a month since we found my mother,
but I'd say a month plus a day or two since her death.

I went back to Penang this past weekend,
to see family, to see my best friend and her new baby
and came back late last night, exhausted to the core.

And today someone asked me "Was it difficult?"

"Was it difficult, or were you iron-strong as usual?"
I said to her that while it wasn't that difficult, it was just tiring.

Being strong and calm and collected is just tiring
but I don't know how to be anything but.

I wonder if I'll ever learn
Sometimes I feel like I am made of stone
so conditioned am I to dealing with the tough
that fragility is lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sister and I, hand-in-hand lying in bed
talking about her dreams about our mum,
hand-in-hand, at the market, picking out flowers
to put at her grave,
we decided on a red and white colour theme
she picks the whites, I pick the reds

At the grave, we sit on the marble, rub the dust off (There's dust already?!?)
of the picture of mum smiling
and then we busy ourselves arranging flowers
over mummy and nanna, stripping off leaves, thorns
five minutes, ten, twelve past
I stand up, look over at the kid
"Ready?"

We stand hand-in-hand at the foot of mother's grave
and I say "May her soul rest in peace"
my sister says "Amen" the same time I start to continue with
"and let the perpetual light shine upon her o lord"

"You got it wrong che-che!" she says
"Oh whatever!" I say as we make our way through the headstones and weeds.

And then its done.

Chat

2009-10-22T11:44:00.002+08:00

I am chatting with my three aunts

who are together in Singapore

One from Penang, on from Japan, one from Singapore

They have been sad they say, thinking of my mother

feeling guilt for not being there enough,

solitary, weepy

so they've come together for support (and shopping)

and things are slightly better.

I remember the last time I was in SG, the same three aunts

plus one

And we were playing cards, eating Chinese devil curry

and aunt Nat said " I wish Mina were here"

and then everyone snapped at her for, thinking but not doing

but I guess in our own ways, we all did what we could

They tell me that they have to go, they got

"Noodles and then shopping"

They tell me they love me

"Have fun!" I say

"Don't die".

Tooth & Nail

2009-09-13T22:13:00.002+08:00

I sometimes feel like I am struggling, hanging on

by the skin of my teeth

to something where the end is inevitable

And yet though I know it, know rationally how this story will play out

for this goes against common sense

I have stopped trying to fathom

how it has such a hold on me

It is a cycle that I must go through, masochistic and self-damaging as it is

that I must wholly give in to it, before am wholly cleansed of it

I feel like I am treading in a river, the current somehow holding me aloft

I am trying to make my way towards the left bank,

despite seeing that it is crumbling into the water

and on the right bank, someone has tossed me a life line

but I cannot yet reach for it

not till I am ready, not till I am sure

even if you split my face into the widest of grins

It will take me being clean out of this mess before

I can even begin to clearly and fairly

assess the options that I am lucky enough

to be presented with.

But I've done this before, and though it doesn't get easier

it will pass, and life goes on, as it does.

Bruised

2009-06-24T14:19:00.004+08:00

I took my heart out from its protective cover
placed it in my palm
held it out
and it got bruised.

But then, I knew it would.

And I am learning
that seeing other people only serves as temporary cover
adds confusion
and clarity where I don't want it.

Unless I can be so selfish as to tell someone
'don't fall in love with me'.

Unless I can draw lines across the blueprints of a 'relationship'
say 'this is what we are, what we can be'
'what I can give, but no more than this'
Is that fair?

Anew

2009-06-18T22:51:00.002+08:00

In the past 24 hours, I have pondered the ease, speed and intensity of which
relationships are built online, and just as equally, their demise.

Since returning from Sydney, I have made two random friends online
and marveled at how little it takes for one to reveal oneself on the internet.

"A quick check online reveals that you have started two blogs and abandoned them," he said
"start a blog, write.."

And I though, "Why? what could I possibly say that is of any interest, significance, to anyone else?" (the precise reason I stopped blogging)

Then when I think about it, I always blogged for me, to sort of clear my mind,
say what I need to say
regardless of whether anyone reads or comments and etc

There was the question of whether I should start a new blog,
or just reopen my previous blog and start posting from there
because I always go back to it anyway, to touch base
to see how I have changed, progressed, matured in my insights
and I thought, "This is me, who I was, who I became, who I am becoming."

I worried about how people would just read me, and judge me from there,
never get to know the real me,
just assume they know from what they read

And here we are :)

Very often people say to me "You've done so much, experienced so much,
for someone your age."

And I think to myself these days,
"Really? How have I contributed positively to anyone but myself?
How am I any different?What difference am I making?"

But maybe that thought is what keeps me going.

Solitary Lunch

2009-03-13T13:44:00.002+08:00

Today, my eyes are tired.

Lunch today, myself, a steaming, basil-laden bowl of pho
and The Diving Bell & The Butterfly.

Later I sat under the trees, just finished, contemplating the book
If anything, the sheer feat of producing this book makes
one review their own life, are they appreciating it enough
doing enough, living enough

And while I sat, three men sat down next to me
They asked me whether I work in the building
showed interest in the book, asked me about it

And for a split second, I was about to write them off
leave, go about with my own business
when I remembered how Mr PP and I we're having
a discussion about being so quick to write people off
and how I had resolved that I would now give people
a chance.

So I sat and summarised the book, how incredible
and thought provoking it is

As I shared the story, they shared with me other such stories
they told me of their work
then did a sales demo that astounded me
because I cannot speak to strangers like that,
let alone sell.

They asked me about me,
said there was boredom and sadness in my eyes
my background, my work, my daily life

And in the end, of course, asked to exchange numbers.

A card yes, numbers no. Email me.

In the end, it turned out to be enlightening,
to make such a connection however slight.

:)

High Enough From All The Waiting

2009-03-10T19:02:00.006+08:00

Lalalalalalala such a nice day in the valley.

I was up high in the building, doing a quasi photoshoot when I peeked out
of the window,
the sky was clear, and you could see the mountains
surrounding us at the edges of the city.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and I received a sweet gift today :)

I'm not an unhappy person, I realised as I was bopping down the
street home listening to Frou Frou. I caught myself dancing at the
traffic lights and had to stop for fear of being labeled freak.

Really, the slightest things make me happy.

But then the opposite works too.
Like I feel horrid when I decline to take a flyer
handed out by a person slicked in perspiration from standing in
the noon scorch.

I also have this inherent inability to sit still and watch life pass
me by, thus I try and embrace every second
that's why I don't get the people who just sit and wait
wait wait wait wait for what?
Life to pass you by?
You know some people are stuck, you know they have no choice?
You do.
Scared.

There's so much to take in, so much to be grateful for and gracious about,

even a connection is hard to make these days
but I guess there are some things that even the best of us
must let pass us by.

Trust me to come back from Ho Chi Minh City and crave
Vietnamese food everyday.
Yesterday for lunch, then dinner.

And today maybe dinner :)

I should stop sweating.

I should reply to that sms. 4 days late!

And oh yes, I've decide to give people more of a chance.
Because of karma and all you know, and because
I want to be a nice person (not that I am'nt already)

Exhausted!

2009-03-09T22:27:00.005+08:00

It is one thirty in the morning in Saigon and dew has begun to settle
I am on the back of a motorbike barrelling down the tree-lined avenue
towards Ben Thanh Market

Save for my driver, I am alone in the wee hours of the morning
and I feel safe, like Copenhagen felt.

We stop at the market, my driver procures a bag of thumbnail sized longans
and hands them to me, we can barely communicate

He takes me around, to sights he thinks might interest me
He patiently takes photo after photo as I starfish :)

Later, wending our way down a street he says
"Madam, I very like you."

I say thank you.

He asks for my number.

I ask to go home.

And that's how my last night in Saigon ended.

Photos on FB and http://picasaweb.google.com/aja.belle/Saigon#.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am so grateful for the friends that I am blessed with :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its uncanny, whenever they sense that you no longer think of them,
they always pop up.

But there is no goal to work to
Neither is there...I don't know I don't even know what it was
There's nothing for me to work with or
towards there
There was no communication and everything was
just at surface level
And more passive-ness than passion.

It's like taking up with a brick
when all around you...uh...flowers
are beckoning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I said but two days ago
"I'm leaving in three months."
He said "We'll talk about it when we get home."

Lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking Up With The Birds

2009-03-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

Waking up with the birds....
Just really makes you want to shoot them though doesn't it?

_________

These days, I ponder the fate of relationships in the big smoke.
The survival rate is so low because people are always on the look out for something
better, afraid of being hurt, unwilling to commit, willingly throwing themselves
into the face of temptation, forgetting that it is human nature to err.

There is such a lack of respect in relationships that its scary really,
thus, one's first instinct when things get slightly out of hand, is to run.

I'll admit I am guilty of that myself.

So we leave fate to take the burden, and I wonder, how right is that,
really, isn't it just cowardice on our parts?
Wasn't love about taking risks, chances?
Should we not be grabbing the bull by its horns, going after what we want?

Nay.

We say, if its meant to be, its meant to be. Well, it may never be then.

As society gets more liberal, it also gets more restrictive.
Proper communication is so lacking that people don't stand a chance anymore.
Everyone has their facade, barricades up.

So much so that we can't seem to get out of our own way when it
comes to making things happen for us.

Cannonballs

2009-02-05T09:22:00.002+08:00

Mother
is in town, to stay in my shoebox sized room for awhile
Last night (or rather morning at 0100 hours)
I curled on my side on the mattress by the wall trying to block
out the sound of her speaking on the phone to her ex-boyfriend
I strained to stay calm as I mentally counted down the hours
before I had to wake up for work: 7 hours

In her 40s, and I am astounded that some things don't change
I wonder how my life will pan out, whether it will always be this way
whether I can avoid the worst incarnation of myself
we're all afraid of turning into our mothers someday

So I fight kicking and screaming, to not become
but my direction...well..I don't really know which way to go
just not that way

but then, where would that leave me?

I think of the extreme alternative, of drabness and monotony
and I hope that I'll find balance

0230 hours
Mother is snoring, I feel as though the room walls are shuddering
tenting inward over me
wake up for work in: 5 1/2 hours

I go outside and try and sleep on the couch
the thought of it being somewhat 'public' area bugs me
I toss, I turn

0630 hours
I am up, I don't know if at all I've slept
wake up for work in: 1 1/2 hours
I don't bother to sleep, I make coffee, I dwell

Mother does my head in.
Whether she says nothing to me, whether she tells a story
that does not concern me, the approach, the perspective, the reactions
mother does my head in.

indirectly(or not)
she fucks with my mind, she makes me question my existence,
my relationships
she unrattles my perceived stability
she makes me retract from anything that could potentially hurt me
because when I look at her, I don't want to build these
fragile human connections that crumble in an instant

Milestones

2009-01-22T10:09:00.002+08:00

Milestones.
Can sometimes be a lot less tangible than the word would make them seem.

A milestone can be reached though nothing is said, and nothing really done
through other gestures that seemingly do not relate to a subject at all
through a thousand subliminal non-reactions.

Put before me today, two paths. I chose the one of hope.

On a less serious note on a Wed, no, sorry, Thursday morning when one
has been partying madly the night before til 4 am with one's 'girls'
eating talking crying drinking drinking dancing dancing dancing dancing
"Lower, lower, lower!"
and one is now at work, existing on four hours of sleep,
trying to finish the first chapter that was due last Friday
was supposed to be done last week..yet one is surreptitiously blogging
in a mini min window..

Well yes, on that less serious note:

People who walk diagonally across crowded zebra crossing really should
get their knees knocked in.

Wankers.

Happy Thursday. Not.

Wait.. and still, with lack of sleep, knees, thighs, calves sore from all
the "low, low, low", still I immensely enjoyed my walk and IPOD time this
morning and found myself grinning into the trees, bopping on the
sidewalk to Lil Wayne's Mrs Officer.

So yeah, happy, happy!

Tired

2009-01-21T10:52:00.002+08:00

Today I'm tired of being caught in the middle
I hate that I have to battle my own, my partner's, my friend's feelings
that there is no pleasing all at the same time
that no matter what it will be awkward
that one or the other might resent

I wish that it could be simpler, that people cared less, or more
that we could go with the flow; accept, forgive, forget
either or.

This is me today, caught.

I Do Not Like It

2009-01-21T10:05:00.003+08:00

I do not like it when my flesh touches the skin of Cornelius the II because the slit
on my dress allows it to.

I do not like it when outside the weather is brilliant and I am in.

And now I have to go for a meeting.

Bai.

Being Me

2009-01-16T18:16:00.002+08:00

Today I sat down and tried to write for work.

And I realised that in the past one or so years,
I have forgotten that before anything else,
I used to write.

I sat under the harsh fluorescent lights
boxed in by office walls
completely uninspired.

I used to think writing was something that came naturally,
not something you had to train yourself to do
but now not writing has become a habit
and it seems to take so much more to do it.

I still write in my mind, fleeting paragraphs
that never make it to paper

this is the kind of realisation that saddens.

And so I left, took the walk I seem to take less
and less these days.

It occurred in phases, first to take the back way
so as to not bump into colleagues returning to the office
after a meeting

then crossing the road...beep..beep..beep of the green light
at the pedestrian crossing
I fall into step with the bristling army marching
on the five foot way
together we brace the traffic, cantankerous on the pitted
tar, shimmering oily steam

and slowly, as I walk, its as though the thousand and one
thoughts swimming in my head, its as though.. they swirl and
float, converge at one point, and slowly, they separate
become clearer

I think of J.K. Rowling inventing the Pensieve
how I want one.

To be able to separate each thought, scrutinise each in turn
to be able to make them, clear, clean, defined.

Now I am at Jalan Alor, bustling, a lady sits on her own
at the plywood table, huge durian in front of her
pile of seeds at her side, she is lost in her own world.

I want to be her.

Steam billows from stoves and giant pots, there the vendor and his
plump bananas, his mangosteens, I always think they look
like asian breasts
here, the woman with her cucur udang
glistening red tiger prawn skins, shucked onto the table
while this couple cleanse their palates with green papaya salad
the roar that delivers 'wok hei' and chatter of people selling
ordering, recommending fills the air.

This, I think is how one is inspired to write..
If I could stop here, sit here, think here, right here

here, I could write you that stunning piece on Peranakan
cuisine, here I can think, I can put those thoughts on paper,
I can be inspired.

The four walls draw nothing but blanks.
Uninspiring work borne out of the uninspired.

My march has slowed to an amble
as my mind runs away with me,
I think of how this walk, used to be my wind down,
my wake up
and
how the smallest break from what is now the norm can inspire

I think of Frank Herbert's quote,
"Without new experiences, something inside us sleeps.
The sleeper must awaken."

How true how true how true

My boss asked me the other day, "What are your plans this year?"
"My plan, is to remain in KL, in Malaysia.."
was what I said. Not "to make manager etc etc."

And anyone who knows me, knows what a feat that will be.
I've been here a year.

When I told D, he said "That's right, baby steps."
so true.

Everyday D and I battle traffic, we do our routine, and as immensely
comfortable as it is, I wander how much 'routine' I can take, how long
I wonder if my quashing this need to soar, see more of the world
live out of my comfort zone, if its healthy?

I wonder about us, he tells me me he worries that I may become
bored, I tell him my worries are the same.

But they aren't really. They are different shades, categories, area codes
of Boredom.

He worries his routine will bore me
I worry, that myself as a woman will bore him
because when 20 people tell you something, it seems quite
foolish to ignore.

But I go into it knowingly, because maybe it's worth it,
and maybe people deserve the benefit of doubt.

And my becoming bored of routine?
As a simple walk has demonstrated, just doing
something that veers ever so slightly from the norm
opens up your mind, inspires things, exposes you to
something that makes you question, makes you smile
maybe even, makes you write.

I just need to shake it up a bit, just a bit.
So my mind doesn't dwell, doesn't stagnate
doesn't rot, wilt, go stale.

Now I reach the stairs.
The old man who makes his bed here, is not here
His bed, thin cardboard box, opened up,
is.

I am glad, last time I walked by he exposed his nuts.

I bound up, then its mossy drain coverings, squirrels
darting in the trees above.
Moss! Don't you love moss? I do.

For that fairytale quality that it lends everything
for softening, prettying the edges of my world
for filling my little world right up, right up, rigggggggggggght uuuuuppppp

Another bout of stairs, four flights, I am home.

Now, I shall swim.

Ramble over.

Space.

2009-01-11T17:14:00.002+08:00

Let this be a reminder that I was very happy on Friday night.
Chilled out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So D and I are watching TV, world's most shocking videos or something
and the narrator is talking about a 'rabid fox' that
scares a whole bar full of people

"But baby, how can a rabbit scare a bar full of people?"

-_-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have nothing to tell you.
Except Friday officially marked the stonest day in my life
ever.ever.ever.

Thanks to cake.

I sat next to May Foong and told her that I wanted a giant, juicy peach.
:D

Saturday I dragged the uncle to the zoo.

Saturday night was a superb night at No Black Tie
featuring Dasha Logan and Adil Johan
who did a superb rendition of Will.I.Am's 'Heartbreaker'

I also hung out at the bar with Caring eating
deep-fried oysters and drinking dirty martinis
while she regaled me with the calorie counts for EVERYTHING
like, exact number of calories in champagne... :0

Then we went to Zouk, which I am well and truly sick off
I mean I like it when its me and my girlfriends and we're
dancing and not being disturbed or chatted up
but of late...

not doing it for me.

Dowan to talk already. Beh shiok.

Ms Pudgy, Thats What He Calls Me

2009-01-05T21:18:00.003+08:00

Yeah huh, this is me, trying to resuscitate the blog.

Got a new man friend, domesticated could be a word
used when describing us.

Yeah, huh.

Two anal peas in a pod. Oooh that sounded gross.

We were walking into the lift lobby today, bogged down
by groceries, bags and laundry
and just ahead a 'ethnic' family of three
bolt towards the lift
my eyes widen, D, turns around, widens his eyes
whispers, "Hold your breath baby!"
as we round the corner to meet them.

I step into the lift, surreptitiously hold my breath
the lady looks at our laundry and murmurs
"Oh! we forgot to go to the laundry!"

I give her a bright smile, say "Hey, it's okay, we forgot yesterday.."

We get home, D says
"They forgot to go to the laundry?, Don't they do their laundry in the lake, baby?"
:0
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She cooks! I do, I do. More often now.
Like, 5 days a week, because I am a coolie.
Yeah, huh. C-O-O-L-I-E.

Yesterday I made lamb with vegetable stew and cous cous
possibly one of my favourite dishes in the world
also one of the dishes that photographs worst in the world
especially when said photographer just WANTS TO EAT!

I don't know if Mr. Chinaman enjoyed it as much as I
(yes! a chinaman, can you believe it?
*rolls eyes* don't keel over and die, please...
enough people have done that)

So in fairness today was fly lice day.

Yay!No, really, YAY.

And thus I leave you, first post of the year. Maybe more to come.

Blogging Bizness

2008-10-19T22:52:00.003+08:00

I'm getting real bad at this blogging bizness. Aren't I?

What's happened? Time happened. Life happened.

Updates:
I've started dating again :0
Its been nice, good, exhibit A is the sweetest guy on earth
swear to god, he works hard, takes care of his family, cooks for me
advises me to be patient and make up with my mom, he's stable,
for want of a better word

Exhibit B is funny, I laugh nonstop but he may be slightly obsessive
psycho

Exhibit C and D: they are cryptic, I don't know if they are just friends
or they like me

Exhibit E likes me but its just a budling. I hear he's a nice guy

Exhibit F, is sorry.

I've moved to a new place, today got a SUPERSINGLE bed.

Its strange, though the be has recently made a reappearance in my life
for a few weeks, life was devoid of him and I was ok, good, great even.

I finally said 100% over and stuck with it.

And in that time, I've done things that I never thought I could do without the Bee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My birthday this year was better, than the two years before (day alone in Amsterdam, stuck at Cardiff immigration for 3 hours, stuck on the yacht in Phuket)

I got more birthday wishes than I ever had, got 3 bouquets of flowers
got great dinner with girls, lunch with guys and superb turnout at the bar.
But I was tired, and bad, snuck out of my own party at 1am.

Some say I am the worst birthday girl in history (;

But I was happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can see KL tower from the new place, and sometimes, I just don't know
if its mist, or haze.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sick today, flu, cough, dreading the morning meeting.
I love Pei Pa ko.
It should be drizzled over ice cream with crunchy cookie bits strewn over.

Fading.

Overflow

2008-08-22T10:14:00.003+08:00

I was walking (or shall we say bouncing, almost skipping) to work today
brimming with this crazy, crazy happiness that has engulfed me
its mad, psychotic even
then...I saw a dead kitten at the side of the road, eyes open still!
moment of sadness
but then the happiness sprung back!
Mad I tell you. Okay gotta go and meet the man himself
king o'shoes.

Reminding Me of GB

2008-08-21T14:09:00.003+08:00

Stepping out of home today, they sky was ominous, low;
perfect day for cuddling in bed, or wallowing in a broken heart
or eating a huge motherfucker of a bowl of beef noodles
as I told someone

Arriving in the office, I announced "Did you see the weather out?"
"Its dark and damp and dreary!Just makes me want to go out and play!"
to this I jumped up and down,
then turned my heel and skipped from my colleague's office.

Outside, the trainees have collapsed in a fit of giggles.

What am I, a freak show?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
huge, big argument with someone online
reduces me to tears
we make up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blue and I meet for lunch
I take him somewhere new, he commends me on my find
throughout lunch, he chatters, incessant, giving me ten different
microshades of the same subject
I subtly raise my eyebrow, half listening
"What, am I rambling?"

and later as we link arms and fall into step
he says one thing, and I will not listen, then 5 mins later
echo the thought, and he'll say 'But I just said that'
and I'll say "You did?"
put on repeat

We talk, we walk, there is no hesitation about crossing roads
its automatic that we are, so we just scurry, no checking with each other
at the door, we unlink, not stopping, separating
"Have a nice day!" I say as we both disappear out of peripheral visions.

And then I came home to poo.
I did it!

Good Morning World!

2008-08-21T08:57:00.002+08:00

This morning my alarm buzzed, 8.10am
I leapt out of bed, looked down at my sleeping self
and shouted
"Yoo-hoo you! Time to wakey wakey!"

Wakey wakey time indeed. Thursday is it?
So says the computer.

Didja know that a simple 'I love you' goes
a long long way? Long long long.
enduring the cloak of midnight then seems a slight bit easier

And I did, fell into this warm hazy sleep
one where I woke up at 5 and thought to myself
'oh, I've been dreaming of him all night'
but, you know, I am not sure if I did
a thought out of habit but not fact.

Le weekend is within reach and the presence of people
that love me and that I love is making me
SO excited.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CH is the new coordinator in our office
and god knows, we've needed one

Besides the coordinator, we have an ever-changing flow
of trainees (sometimes called slaves)
One could say it's hard to keep up with their names

So there I was, standing in front of CH the other day
giving her direction
and as I turned my back when I was done, I heard a whisper of
little voice
"But my name is CH, not YS"

:O

I apologised of course, but now I never hear the end of it
ask her to do something and the retort is
'Do you know my name?'
the polite version of 'What's my name bitch?'

Sometime when the pace heightens I will yell for her
four cubicles over
"CH!CH! Minute please!Quick!"

She will rush over just as I find what I was looking for
"OH, um nevermind dee"

Flushed from the rushing "Fun is it? Is this fun?You find this fun issit?"

'Hmm, yes, fun , fun'.

:D

OK shit I am late.
And I didn't eve n take a crap :(
Gotta go to work!

Ghost Town- The Specials
Have you heard it?
Makes me think I am a wend-y snake in the shower

Oh! She Blogs.

2008-08-19T21:50:00.002+08:00

Oooh yes, I am attempting at least. But heck, its been so long
it seems weird.

So, whaddya need to know? Social life has picked up, somewhat largely

Pain and confusion, no less, but no longer dwelling I guess

Lest my ex-ex whoops my arse and bellows down the phone at me
and tells me I am 'a pathetic wreck of a girl that was once so much
more than this, that he and _____ wanted to spend their lives with'

*sheepish smile

my relationship with my ex has become so convoluted and cruel
that even the highs that once made it all worth it, exist no longer
I could never go cold turkey so we continued to talk
(for my benefit, his generosity in helping me get better..yeah)

Thus lines, got blurred and again we found the guy who'd look me in
the eye and whisper sweet nothings, but a split second later be chasing
another skirt

Its not the flirting I mind, I do it too; Its the fact that you can't trust some people
to draw the line just there. Especially not when lying is their nature and they are
proud of it.

ah well, hand someone a gun and you get shot.again and again and again.
especially lethal in those that take pleasure in your pain.

And I'll admit, I would have spoken to him still, except he said he'd rather
speak to a girl he might have a 'slight attraction to' and only met a week ago,
than me.Bummer. Ah the sweet blossoming of new love (= !

When I think about it though, it's my fault, my stupidity and blindness
Best I woke up and smelled the roses around me
Best I woke up and saw the possibilities
Best I shrugged off the quicksand that drags me down

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving alone then =D
Life is good, work is a fast-paced consuming bitch, but just what I need
after-work hours a so much of a whirl that one must pencil in rest days
holidays coming up, quarter century coming up,
love, companionship, mutual affection, respect and trust coming up
the only thing bugging me is having to find a place to stay come end Sept
and the fact that there are too little hours in the day
and the fact that I miss travelling and my first instinct in a situation like
this is to throw caution in the wind and get out there.

But no, grown -ups have responsibilities, to stick to their word,
stand by their commitments etc etc

Thus one must be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The outcome of recent discussions and experiences for me is that
the perfect man to appeal physically and intellectually to me must:
be a breed of Caucasian-Asian, or Asian with a larger-than-normal Asian physique,
having lived some length of time in the west and acquired a worldliness
and certain libertine qualities, some sophistication, and a healthy sense of humour

or if half-Caucasian he must have grown up with core asian values instilled
respect for elders, relationships and people, selflessness, sense of duty
and the courage to standby one's word yet still have the other qualities listed above.

Or something.

But hey! when does it ever turn out the way you think?
And when is love ever rational?
The above statement being my comeback when people remark on
what a fool I've been for the past 2 years.

Over and out.

Not Happy

2008-06-15T16:03:00.003+08:00

No lar..babe, not flaunting.

Currently there are a few good days in a vast sea of doom,
those are what I blog about, because my life, the pain
the turmoil within my heart, I just have no words
no way to write about.

When the x left for his hols, I found out he was lying
that whole thing about looking me in the eyes
and lying within the same breath as saying
'I love you' and I never questioned it, I fell for it so wholeheartedly
yet it was instinct that made me query

so I wrote him, told him I was done with him
he made very feeble attempts at apology
then I wrote him again, then text him told him not to
reply because I felt I would get over him better
if my mind bred thoughts of him with her

So for so many weeks he left me, without an explanation
and then when he was due back
I found out he wasn't even going to try and see me
and I found out he had flown to see her for the weekend
and so I went to the airport for answers

I waited 3 hours before he appeared
and he said yes he had flown down to spend the weekend with her
no, they were not together, no they did not sleep together
he spent the night with me, holding me, just being us

But the morning after I woke up with this strange feeling
I demanded he show me his camera
and in it of course, was a photo of them in bed together.
spooning.

He claims they didn't have sex, but after all the lies..
and isn't that worse anyway, that its emotional and not sexual?

He told me he couldn't fix me, he said he could never let her go

I said 'how can you ever have a proper relationship with
someone if you are going to have such an unorthodox friendship?'

'either tone it down with her, or have the guts to try with her, but
don't go wasting other people's time, effort and emotions'

he said maybe he would eventually go back and try with her
then later said, no, their friendship wasn't that way

then he says something with the gist of 'I guess I'll stay single forever'
meaning he will put his 'friendship' with her above having a relationship
with anyone

but what remains, ultimately was that he couldn't fix me, because he wasn't
going to let go of her, couldn't be bothered about my pain, yeah he held me when
I cried, but thats a bullshit part time job, he just couldnt make the effort
to put in more to soothe the pain that he caused.

I told him it was over, so it shouldn't matter, he says
but heck, he never tried to make it better then because
he already knew he was going to see her, and didnt want that
to change.

She's not even here. He clings on to this fantasy of her, and bypasses
everything that he has in reality and that truly kill me because I
have fought to fucking hard for him, I have bled so much, and still
I continue to bleed

I somehow still believe that within this monster is the person
who once begged me to love him forever

I have given him everything I am capable of giving and I am
shell-shocked and crumbling at this
I don't know what to do with myself
with my bleeding heart

I want to kill him, but I want to kill myself
but I could never do that

I don't understand how anyone can have the conscience to do this
to someone else

I don't understand how he can still tell me he loves me
yet keep causing me this pain

So yeah. Thats me this week.

My colleagues have been super, they come up to my desk to
talk about work, I turn around tears streaming
and they keep focus on work and talk through work ;D
Pete is super.

Week Four

2008-06-14T09:20:00.002+08:00

this week has been hell

Kraftgraifx + Lapsap @ Palette Palate

2008-06-08T22:06:00.003+08:00

I've been wanting to go to Palate Palette
plus its in the hood, and I walked pass it a couple of times on the
way to Nero or NBT

But today was the day, and I was determined to go
so I asked KJ, but the lamer said surely no girls
then I looked at the 'Maybe attending' list on FB
and there lo and behold was Mr Allen

Thus I procured his number and reeled him in
and the rest as they say, is history!

This was basically a vintage/funky apparel sale cum DJing by Lapsap
very bohemian chic, in a totally unique, cool yet homey setting
plus barbecue

Palate Palette's walls are all pieces of art from friends
the chairs and tables are a mismatched hodgepodge
its is an incredible location
and scrabble friendly too!

Yes, the most unlikely of acquaintances

Allen set me loose upstairs, crammed wall to wall with racks of clothing
shoes, bags, sunglasses, accessories
retro disco and reeking ciggarettes

I eventually had to go downstairs and hold out my hand to him
and say "Daddy, I need more cash"
this being the first time I've seen him in KL

The cupcakes, tres cool, the uncle snoozing at the back
cooler still

Strawberry mojito!

nobody knew who he was...

Allen & Slim, co-owner of PP

7 fab purchases for RM380
and then I said lets go to Neroteca for dinner
since its down the road
who cares if I was there Friday?

Sundays

2008-06-08T22:00:00.001+08:00

What has become my regular Sunday routine is
Me Day
wake up, decide on somewhere nice to eat
go with a book, lounge, relax, savour.

I woke up today with a huge dimsum craving,
thought about inviting people but couldn't be bothered to wait
for them to come to town

So I set off, book in hand, to Imbi Palace
sat down, ordered tea, har kau, siew mai, some stuffed duck pastry
and pork ribs
And while families and friends teemed and buzzed about me
I savoured, devoured, solitary

Then I walked home, stuffed
took off my clothes, got back into bed resolving to not eat again
today

But then, Lapsap and Allen says "Lets go El Cerdo"
eventually I suggested Neroteca since we didn't have time
to order the El Cerdo specialty in advance

and boy,,, Nero did not disappoint
Teca outdoes Vivo no question

Oven-baked asparagus and manchego topped with speck and truffle oil

Parpadelle with wild boar ragout (sauce iberico)
this dish was stupendous with tender juicy nuggets of wild boar
and basil, made me want to bring daddy

my regular ham & mushroom tagliatelle with additional broccoli
Funghi e Prosciutto
always delumptious, always al dente
always rich but not cloying

the crazy good deli meats, think prosciutto, mortadella, salame

And so, another brilliant Sunday. (=

Reprisal-Gin Soaked Bar Room Queen

2008-06-08T13:42:00.003+08:00

Re-Introducing Pete/Blue, one of my closest male friends
who has been an absolute encouraging rock in these
past weeks

last night he came and got me in a taxi
(so I didn't have to get a taxi on my own and would be safe)
handed me the sweetest card telling me that despite
the last three weeks I am chirpier than ever
and that I should keep my chin up
then he ran out of space
(;

He thinks I've lost my super-anal edge
that I am zen and chilled

So off we went to Terrace bar, then into Velvet
but the thing about Pete and me is we start off the night
superb, but when we start to drink we somehow veer in
different directions and thus towards night's end
I ended up partying with BZB and his gang
and thats when it all went downhill

I started with gin, vodka, champagne, and with BZB progressed to shots, vodka
shots, whisky, champagne

I know they brought me home, but I have a gap in my memory of coming
in at the gate, of coming upstairs, of coming in
I remember sitting under the shower making sure my
hair was washed
I remember making indomee goreng with peas
corned beef and garlic sausage
I remember chicken-onion soup after that
but I don't remember coming in!

Anyway I love this pic cos it looks so happy.

Woke up at 11.20am and was mighty proud of myself
for sleeping in so late

Kraftgrafix/lapsap sale at Palette after a business meeting @ 3
then I shall do me usual Sunday rundown.

P Ramlee, The Musical

2008-06-06T02:05:00.002+08:00

It started like this, first my friend sent me an invitation,
free ticket, but I turned it down because I had plans
to do the TOKL, stand-up comedy at Mansion with Sunshine
but then Celcom sent a discounted price for subscribers
then Meng asked me if I 'd see it, so I knew that these were
signs that I had to go

I called Sunshine, "I am sorry, I have to stand you up"
"For which other guy?" growled he
"I'm not telling you, I dont ask and you dont tell me which other
girl, when you stand me up" I retorted
"Well I hope the theatre sucks, I hope it rains all night, I hope
you get caught in a traffic jam and I hope you get stood up!" huffed he
"But I love you!" said I
"I don't love you right now." said he
but later he gave me two green apples to satiate my cravings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the production team, kudos on P Ramlee, the Musical II
it was fantabulous! World class and better than some of the
'international' outfits I've seen here
Guys, if you're hesitating, go! Its a Malaysian production worthy
of your time and support, the outfits, sets, musicians, actors
everything..
is outstanding.

After that, chill at Bar Club on AHR with Mr Randall himself
followed by upcoming performances at NBT in the coming week
Mr Pianist? (;
Sorry Sunshine, this was one night worth standing you up for
even if I was in my work clothes and shoes from 9.15am-2.30 am

I am pooped. Nighty.

Poisonous Fingers

2008-06-05T13:51:00.003+08:00

Oh how I love that I am able to come home at lunches
put on some TV, some music, eat some, watch some TV
Take off all my clothes then put them all on again
layer by layer, office chic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It occurred to me today that while yes,
I am sore, hurt, stunned even

I am ultimately ok, not getting worse
and how it would be so much better if he was gone
and not coming back

I fill my days, and I am okay, good I might venture

but he is coming back, and I guess not knowing what
that may bring has the potential to rock my boat, again
but I plan to stand fast
(though we all know how plans sometimes get diverted)

Just a thought, better if he was gone away for good
not dead *touchwood*
but just away where he can no longer touch me.

Flashback

2008-06-04T19:07:00.010+08:00

I was reading at work, research if you like
then I came across this place where we once went

Then the flashbacks started coming
I remember how I was so happy at first
then I found out you had been flirting with someone else
what shocked me was that it was not you to do so,
or I thought so then, but maybe your true colours were emerging

I remember climbing all the way up to that waterfall
with my heart in at my feet
and breaking down as I ate lunch cross-legged on the rocks
I remember being so heart broken that I was in a daze

I remember turning my back to our travelling mates,
to hide my crying
and telling you to release your hold on me, to let me go
because I couldn't take this pain

I remember you slipped and fell off the rocks, sliding
I thought you might die
I remember how you tried to make it up to me after that
a candlelit bath of flowers, a romantic dinner on the beach
I remember how we swayed in the pool
how hard you were against me
how you sputtered and told me your ears hurt in the sea
and I tried to explain how to equalize
and when you finally got it, you said
"why didn't you just tell me to pop my ears?"
how we walked hand in hand on the endless stretch of golden

and sometimes, I swear I can smell your scent,
I can hear your voice, I can almost feel you on me

I can hear Adam screaming, fingers clutching, toes
curling to cling to me, as he is tugged away from me

But that is all my allow myself, and even that, rarely.

Skybar@Traders

2008-06-04T12:20:00.003+08:00

Shortalk on The Loo On A Tuesday Morning

2008-06-03T08:55:00.002+08:00

Last night housemate come home
and entire apartment permeated with smell
of steak, but where is the steak?
All in my belly.
Housemate no likee.

Now also house still smells like steak.

I think my top dessert of the moment is almond beancurd
I love it love it love it!
Smooth almond jelly, neutral comforting milk
and sweet, crunch of longan.

I like it so much I walked into Starhill last night with
my shorts and tshirts and flipflops looking damn lamnua
Who should I bump into but my HR Manager
Was on the phone the entire walk and back
so could avoid smalltalk.

Listen to me people! Tonight they are shooting an add at
Trader's and they need bodies in the Skybar, payment is in
freeflow of drinks all night long!
Come, 7.30 pm
Wear clubby clothes, no green purples and orange please!

Ran out of coffee and forgot to buy when steak diverted me
last night, so this morning I had to open a pack of ground coffee so
thoughtfully provided to me by The Westin last week,
but I am sans filter paper
so I used my sieve.What? I like my coffee with a few bits
of ground coffee in!

Yeah, I be smart like that.

OK go away, I can't poo with you here.

Nimrods

2008-06-02T19:48:00.003+08:00

Ever had to deal with nimrods and knowing
that you should be a bitch and make them pay
for their nincompoo-pedness?

Just has to be that your mediator is someone
you don't want to inconvenience
therefore you are nice, you negotiate
you exercise calm and cool.

Yeah thats what happened today when I was told
I should be earning less.

Thats all I am saying.

Shall I recap the past few weeks?

Week one: Girl finds out that man/boy who(claims) he loves her
has been lying to her about certain things(people) for 2 years. within the
same breath as telling her he loves her.
Girl is ill when she finds out.

Week two: Girl's mother's psychiatrist calls
to say mother is on the brink of suicide, made worse by grandmother's death
yes, girl knows because mother has already told her
and girl and younger sister have freaked out and sobbed
to each other on the phone, twelve years and 400km apart

But oh to hear the psychiatrist telling you, thats a different story
all together. Girl invites mother down for a change of scene
girl, mother and friends have a good weekend.

Week three: back to reality, HR calls to say that
there has been a misquote with the appointment contract signed four
months ago, they should be paying me less.

Jeez. I could be freaking but I am chilling.

I am a season dealer of the stresses, yes I am
Rib-eye marinating, onions caramelising
potatoes ready to be sauteed with garlic
Carole King singing 'So Far Away'
glass of shiraz by my side
I am the epitome of zen because I know fate has a hand
and if fate is going to lead me elsewhere, I am ready to go.

No Black Tie

2008-06-02T19:02:00.002+08:00

Mother came down and we camped out in my
little room, her on the bed me on a mattress on the floor

My goal was to lift her out of her doldrums so I tossed
her a Timeout as I did work on my laptop late Friday
"Do we have to go out?" asked she
"Yes mom, Its friday, find something to do" I gesture at Timeout

She looks through the listings, mentions jazz and theatre
Then, NoBlackTie.

I jump up, flip through
"Lewis Pragasam!we are so going"
"10.30 wor, so late, somemore 40 ringgit per person"
"I don't care, we are going" I promptly made reservations.

We lolled in bed, reading, listening to music
til half-8, then I forced her to wear flats
so we could wander off to La Terasse
(which was very hit and miss)

Then NBT. We waited, half-11 before they started
Lo and behold not just Lewis but Mr. Piano Maestro
pianist extraordinaire that I admired when covering
Penang Jazz Fest 2?3? years back
Steaaaammmm. But he looked geekier, but oh! when he played!
The passion, the slight flirtatiousness/slight cockiness of his demeanor..

*melts*

Mom discovered she knew some of the regulars.
old friends, throwback from Zainal Abidin days
Manbai and the like , we must have reached home
at 2 am, but not before I made reservations for Saturday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, 6am and mother is snoring like Niagara Falls.
Headphones in my ear keeps my brain active, I give up and
work on my laptop before making my way to work.

Boss and I have a brainstorm,
I go home, we meet URod then, Prego, Spa
Dinner is at Frangipani, through which I rave about
food but not service, then I rave about Lewis Pragasam
and of course, Mr pianist extraordinaire

We go to NBT and after awhile, saturated in Veuve Cliquot
(we all are) (except mom)
Urod begins to pimp me out to Pianist.

No, he's not married.(he asked for me)
"My niece would like to have coffee with you"
later he walks by " This is my niece, Aja"
later yet " This is her card"
later later, someone else introduces me to Pianist
later later even, Urod introduces us again
and Pianist and I exclaim "we've met like 10 times tonight"

Sigh. Don't think he liked me, otherwise he didn't like
my life fort of URod, mother and stepfather
(they stood around me, guarding, like I was 3).

Got home at 4am. Bak Kut Teh. Another sleepless night
with headphones in and not drowning the rumbling.

Sunday.
Mother and stepdad leave.(Mother seems happier)
Me.Brunch. Neroteca.
Go home, crash then dinner in KL's oldest restaurant
with Petes and the old IA boys
Sek Yuen was another Timeout recommendation that
proved well worth it.

Szuf & Ville Get Hitched

2008-05-25T22:29:00.001+08:00

Overheard (while eavesdropping) at the wedding:

"Boy, if ever there was a place to have a heart attack,
this would be it."

Sundays

2008-05-25T16:59:00.003+08:00

On Sundays in the big smoke, a girl can choose to
wake up at 9 am, continue watching the movie she almost fell asleep
watching (Gone Baby Gone)

She can decide against having lunch with other people
in favour of herself

She can develop a craving for steak
and make a bargain with herself that if she is
going to treat herself, she must at least walk there

A girl can get out of bed at half-eleven
put on her high-waisted white shorts
and wander out in to the (blazing) sunshine

She can amble to Neroteca
and sit herself at the bar and order a cappuccino
she can read, she can decide she is hungry and order lunch
the decide between a bellini or another cappuccino
whether to order the pear, chocolate and walnut tart
as the conversation swirls around her in thick italian

She can then wander off to the bookstore,
buy herself Anna Karenina, because she simply must attempt
to read what is said to be the greatest novel ever

She can come home, bum in bed, play with music,
then get out of bed to meet someone she loves, who loves her
at La Bodega for two glasses of Vino De Sol
before watching Indy
she can enjoy the absolute throwback that indy is

She can have another glass of Vino De Sol
then tapau char kway teow
then come home to bed and think to herself
'hey, I am doing better'
because for the first time in her life, she has decided
to shed this image as wallower
and to gradually try and embrace moving on
to not hold herself back.

Recluse

2008-05-23T19:49:00.002+08:00

In situations like this,
You can't sleep but neither can you wake

I spend my time out of bed, wishing I was in it
away from people,

I spend my time in it crying, thinking, tossing, turning
And for once, not sleeping enough doesn't bother me
Not eating doesn't bother me

I spend my days grateful for the distraction that work gives
yet
exhausted by this need to appear normal
this facade that I have to keep, chin up
when the struggle to just be, is already monumental

I'm trying, god help me I am trying to move on
deleted the hundreds of photos (even the backups)
deleted the messages, stopped access
next step is to delete old emails of a blossoming love

Can I face people? My friends? I don't speak of it because it's happened
over and over, and I am the fool to let it, to trust
and i can't be faced with unspoken 'I told you so's'
I don't want advice or your unsolicited take on his point of view
I already know it all, I am a woman, i psychoanalyse both sides naturally
I just want to stop hurting

I want this all to just be over, I want to have gotten over it
already

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
After days of having cooped myself at home going stir crazy
I finally spoke to someone close, the dam broke
me walking home to cry over the phone at lunch hour
her getting caught at work with my sobs

We went out that night, good old friends and I
and I felt slightly better, and as fate always has it
they always sense when you might be getting a tiny bit better
and that's when after ignoring you for days, they swoop back in

I will have no more 'I didn't mean to hurt you's
If you didn't then how is it we are here? again

gosh I wont even bother!

nice dinner tonight at Nero
then maybe a bar? people, I want to be dated!

I've been looking at single's nights out too
out of sheer curiosity at who goes to this sort of things
I even got other singles to think about it
I'm taking control. YEAH.

The Thought of Food Makes Me Sick

2008-05-20T19:50:00.003+08:00

Which is a first.

I want to read but all my reading material is food-based.

I must stay still, for if I move I want to throw up again.

I want to call for comfort,
to say 'hi I am hurting so bad,help me heal'
but I know
your anger at my pain
will open gates that I want closed.

Comfortable Liar

2008-05-20T18:54:00.004+08:00

I am lying in bed, sick, weak
I've been feeling queasy all day, puked a few times
no idea why, doctor gave me some stuff
wish he had given me more, but then again you are not worth it.

To add to that, the pain
Liars always get found out, didn't you know?
What goes around comes around, didn't you know?
It happens, fate and always people get found out in
their lies, even the ones who lie so comfortably.

So many photos of you happy,
but your photographer remains unnamed
I am not even a speck on your landscape
And I don't know you, I don't know you

This life that you keep from me,
This other person you pretend to be with me
This other person who pretends to love,
to be so genuine, how can one person have so many faces?

The you that I know is a fake
Always inconsistent, never dependable
only consistent in your inevitable betrayal

In all the truth I took the effort to tell
For everyone, I got lies in return
Lies that you took the care to repeatedly look me
in the eyes while you told them.

So go and be you, shake of your fake facade,
You are lost to me, and I am to you.

2008-04-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

Balls

2008-04-17T12:06:00.002+08:00

Yes, Kevin. How relevant.

Just to update you and B, the only two people on the planet who now read my blog,
Today, I had a great big crap.

Uh-huh, me, Aja Ng, I did it!

How was the weekend rendezvous with the 16 girls you ask?
Ah well, it begins as it always does for the person planning such
an event...frantically.

The Imperial Hotel had not told us that they were moving us out of
the private room because our number had increased..so I arrived to
2 tables smack bang in the middle of the restaurant.

Are they crazy? Hen's Night, hello! 17 girls laughing, crying,
screaming, debating men and sex and eating multi-racial
penis topped cupcakes and you want to put us in the middle?
Na-uh, I dont think so.

So red skintight dress or not, I had to snap into action..
Butta was helping sort it out, but she decided I was the more
authoritative one

Sour-faced manager gets no points. Finally all squeezed into room.
Sitting arrangements not so happening cos we all won't sit down.
haha that bit was funny.

And dinner progressed, oysters, sushi, sashimi and wine.
Girls adjourning in groups to the smoking corner
girls talking about men and love
girls escaping other girls talking
girls catching up, giving advice, coming up with solutions

I remember a little encounter over the large cheese table
where the girl 5 feet in front of me was talking to herself
rather loudly "_______ stop talking to yourself!" I ordered
She scooted around the table to me, like a mouse
and lowered her voice at my side, in a whisper
"To be fair Aja, I wasn't talking to myself, I was talking to the
cheese."

"And what did you say to the cheese __________"

Well I was trying to fork some into my plate, but it kept sliding about
so I said told the cheese it was insolent and rude.

Man I almost died laughing. So funny, but so cool.

So lalalalala makan, flit around, settle the bill, herd everyone
off to Mansion, drink one bottle and 6-7 shots each, herd to Velvet
bride falls asleep in car, but sleeping is not allowed on
Hen's Night so bride is woken up.

Dance, R & B, drink Grey Goose and cranberry.

You know, if guys talk to you, does that mean you're being
picked up? Can't people just talk with no ulterior motive than
to get to know you or something..so yeah.

I dont think I was being picked up but thats probably
because I wasn't looking to be picked up.

90% of the girls leave. I am left lights on at 3 with one
other girl.
Beside her,the guy (GSOH, can dance) is trying to
get her and me (because I am there) to go to some rooftop
I fire her some questions in hokkien
do you want to go?
no I wanna to leave I am bored, malas
Okay then we will

Just then my phone rings, I speak
and in five minutes we are swooped upon and tugged out
of the club. Saved.

I go home, heat up the curry mee that I asked them to
tapau from Pepper Estate, 4 am, sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 am, I text the one girl I think might be up.
Half of them call me back, speakerphone, they are
all staying together, I am the only one anal enough to
die-die come home to my own bed.

"Babe!come here spend time with us lah" the cry, all cutesy-sweetsy
I am still in bed, but am tugged by this request
"Okay..." I say.
"Good, bring breakfast okay? We are hungry, we want nasi lemak"

Kanneh.

So shower la, walk the length of bukit bintang,
where to find nasi lemak? in the end I buy KFC and
almost lose my cool..I want to scream at them, the definition
of fast food because the mtherfuckers at Sg. Wang Plaza really
dont have a clue.

Walk in the door and May almost falls at my feet
"WAH KFC! I love you babe! I love you!"
And we all nick bits and go and sit in bed and use
Cel's entire body as a table, while feeding her too.

I am given weird looks for saying
"OOh! I think I will mix chicken and mash and coleslaw together!"
but when they taste it later, they know.

And that, my friend, is a girls weekend out.
Shopping, eating, drinking, dancing, eating, talking somemore.
Not 'picking up' and 'shagging' as some people clearly misunderstood.
That's what men do, not us women (=

Ooh Weekend

2008-04-11T09:17:00.002+08:00

Why can't I just poo already?

Stress man.

oooh Weekend. oooh 17 girls out to town.
oooh crazy. ooh can't wait.
you are witnessing a come back people, a comeback.

Would be much better if I could poo though.

K gotta go to work.

Itriedeverythingevensquattingontheseatanditsnotworkingstress!

A Ray of Sunshine

2008-03-14T13:24:00.002+08:00

Peter and I are sitting, La Bodega, Pavillion
Couch area that was reserved but promptly
given to me when I flounced up and pouted

Everytime we are here, Pete bitches about crap service
and I tell him how great it is for me, how perfect
the cappucinos, how much more wine I get in a glass..

"Its because you come in here like this great
raging cloud of anger,and me, I come in,
and I am like a ray of sunshine!"

cue eye-rolling.

What?I am whut!

I Forget

2008-03-14T13:17:00.002+08:00

I forget, that people actually read this blog.

And so in my moments, when anger and pain
stunt me,when all I am capable of doing is sitting home
and wallowing, I blog.

And all that time in between, when I am out and about
at work and play, socialising, bar-hopping
shopping, cooking, eating, karaoke-ing
all that time,when I am A-O-K....
I dont blog about, because frankly, there is no time to.

So at this point, suffice to say, the more I blog,
the more, I am upset.
The less I blog, the happier.

The Bee and I have our issues, our ups and downs
and god sometimes I just wish it was that easy to let go,
forget, erase, delete, utter "be gone with you!"

But its all the moments in between, its stupid jokes
and barking laughter and cloying cute-sy names
and mind-reading(selective)..its the fact that my hands don't
seem to fit anywhere else that makes me try, try again.

Its our history, spread across continents, landing here
and still trying to find balance, and to tell you the truth
I don't know if we'll ever find it, but every time we
do break up, I can never find it in me to survive it.

He's good, so great, when he wants to be.

I Ache For Who We Once Were

2008-03-09T16:25:00.004+08:00

The human capacity for pain seems boundless
especially pain that we are willing to suffer for love
and pain that we knowingly go back to again and again
because of love, I quote from
'Paris, Je t'aime', "I ache for who we once were"

And how apt.
How that movie made me laugh, hysterical, incredulous
at the sheer LSD tripping badness of some parts,
and how in others, it was fantastic.

It caused my heart to swell, that horrible feeling where there
is so much impact within your chest and so little
one can do about it.

When it comes to love, there is so much you have to do
to make it better, and so little that you need to do to
send things spiraling further into doom

and god, have I craved and craved who we were before
and this is the love, this memory, that makes my capacity for the pain,
this hurt, so inexhaustible.

Often we are blinded, choked; by pain, by anger,
that we seek not to save it
but to ruin it, to keep from getting hurt again.

But its pain, either way.

And then we plunge into this dark swirling world and
we are running so many different directions away from each other
that even if we wanted to find each other again, we couldn't.

But when I gave my heart to him, I gave it, there is no taking it
back, and even now when I try to, I am bound to one, my heart
is loyal even if I want it to stop.

And when I shun everything else to sit alone and cry,
I ask myself how I can bleed so much over someone
who doesn't bleed for me

But I forget, there is distraction
and its human nature to want something you never had
but always wanted

He used to ask me to marry him everyday
he used to instinctively know when I wasn't ok
he used to calm me when I was upset
he used to think of me, every second

now I don't even wonder if he does,
I wonder how its possible that he can forget
I wonder if I could learn that

I just can't find him anymore

And as everyday passes, I recount the things that
I would have told him, the seconds of today that I didnt
share with him, the moments that reminded me of him
the growing parts about me ,that he doesnt know now
this gulf, chasm that grows and separates us more

I heard DMB's Crash Into Me, the first time that I ever heard it
played here, it made me stop right there on the crowded
path on Bukit Bintang, and I thought of how I put it in a CD for him

he used to wake up when I woke up, no matter what time
so attuned to me, and even till the very end, I remained
attuned to his needs, while he slipped away from me

These are parts of me I keep from others
because he was my world, and I shared everything
with him, and he's the only one I wanted to share things
with, and now it doesnt seem right to share it with anyone
else, so I keep this pain hidden.

Because people are only going to say
"if it hurts so much why dont you just let it go?"
and I don't have the strength to explain why I can't
in fact, I dont even know why I can't, its just the way I am
built, I give until I snap.

And he took.

What A Shit Day

2008-03-07T08:23:00.002+08:00

You wake up, and first thing in the morning,
your day has already started in the most horrible way
and you just know that it will get worse

so maybe today, I might actually say ok
and give someone else a chance and
showing me what love truly means

you expect the most basic things from a partner,
love, laughter, honesty, trust, protection
but then maybe, when they distribute those elsewhere
theres none left for you.

Agendas

2008-02-22T20:23:00.003+08:00

- This is a rant

Fuck you and your alternate agendas at the expense of my feelings.
Fuck you for always getting my hopes up then walking all over me.
Fuck you and your empty promises.
Fuck you and you dishonesty, your craftiness.
Fuck you for acting suspicious, for trying to hide something
then getting mad for me at questioning you.
Fuck you for acting so stupidly then getting caught.
Fuck you for not know just how to be open and truthful in the
first place.
Fuck you because I think that that was your plan the whole
while, your agenda.

Fuck you because you have no sense of decency,
because you think other people's hearts are nothing
because you treat me like dirt

Fuck you because you think asking you to be honest and have some
sense of respect and decency towards another human being
is 'changing' you

Fuck you for not having the courage to say "I'm sorry" and really meaning it
Fuck you for encouraging matters to get worse rather than better
Fuck you for not even bothering to explain

Fuck you for being so immature and playing these games all the time
I hope you get what you give tenfold

Fuck you.
because your values are shit.

Divulgence

2008-02-20T23:20:00.003+08:00

Today I received an email inquiring about my current job
the suggestion that I blog it so people don't ask me again and again
Good call.

I am with the same company, except I now do Marcom for
the luxury resorts
I am permanently in KL, so whoops for the people who whoop (=

It seems that since I started Monday, my time at the office increases..
first day 645, 2 nd day 740, today 830.......

Today I left the office and had drinks with my colleague, fellow
Penangite, to whom I confessed the reason I dumped a boyfriend
who is a mutual friend, 8 years ago...

Another confession, I just had 'Penang' Char Kway Teow on Jalan Imbi
and you know what? Its actually quite OKAY!

Then I had dinner at Ka-Soh with another Penangite, KJ, his friend from
Ayer Tawar (?) and one from Ipoh and the chu-char was super fantabulous!

I've always refrained from hawker and local food in KL and stuck to western
but now I am pleased to find out that it ain't so bad...even at Pavilion the
food court is pretty good..

BTW did I tell you about my six-course wine pairing menu at Lafite at Shang KL?

oh.my.god.

Start with Veuve Cliquot
Then caviar with blini and traditional accompaniments
Then foie gras
then lobster 3-ways, mousse, bisque, espuma
then truffled spaghetti
then wagyu beef cheek
then cheese platter
then fresh strawberry candy-floss

I'll leave you to drool

Welcome To The Big Smoke

2008-02-18T22:30:00.003+08:00

So today I completed my first 'office' day in something like
two years..TWO.YEARS.

And now I am officially living in Koala Lumpur
I have to wear almost-formal office wear
as opposed to flip-flops, pleated shorts and a t-shirt
I even bought an 'office' bag yesterday

and today after work, I whooped at completing first day
then headed across the road to Pavillion for a nice glass of red
think I found what could potentially be my haunt, one-for-one at happy hour
yesterday I walked to Pavillion and grocery shopped too
semangat!

another girlfriend came at Pavillion then we went to Delicious @ The Marc
where we met two more of my girlfriends and I realised that
just because girlfriends are girlfriends, doesn't mean you can mix them.

Singledom Once More

2008-02-14T01:46:00.004+08:00

Jeez there are some things you'd like to be prepared for
like planning on being single on Valentines day, rather than being thrown
into it.

My ex and I never spent a Valentine's day physically together,
in fact we only had one, and I never thought I'd be spending this
one single.

But I am not alone, and it is not so bad, because we all have each other.

Spelling It Out

2008-02-13T18:24:00.005+08:00

So my aunt and I are driving today, discussing relationships
a couple,close friends of ours broke-up and they say that
he will have a harder time than her, and that he really wants
her and is sorry.

So then the question 'has he tried to get her back' was posed
'yes, he said he tried, once...'
and to this we burst into incredulous laughter
because its true, I won't generalise, but most men are lazy
and haven't a clue, its laughable.

All they do is lament on losing her, and do nothing to win her back,
you don't try once and give up, because that makes you a lazy fuck of a failure
that shows that when you say you 'want' it is not a driven,
true-to-the-core want, the try hard and not give up till you get it type.

If a woman who doesn't care for a man anymore,
she wouldn't give him the time of day, ignore his calls,
and forget he even exists

A woman who cares, will still entertain you
and as long as she does, you have a chance.

But when you hurt her, or disappoint her, you have to work
doubly hard, to prove you're sorry, prove you need her,
prove you'll fight for her, or do anything for her.

And that's where most young men fail, they think they say
'sorry' and they've done their duty, enough
and end up regretting it and suffering in 'macho' silence for
god knows how long

the older ones know, how to pamper,to romance and woo
maybe because they learnt their lesson along the way
or maybe because they just appreciate and understand a woman more

I had an ex who finally plucked up the courage to ask me
if we still had a chance two years after we split and another
quasi-ex who never fails to tell me how much he would like
to take care of me.

Chances are, when a girl is throes of a break-up,(or even before)
other guys are pouncing, and really, when other guys are trying
their hardest to dazzle her, and you hardly lift a finger..
well the battle is already over.

Same case with my current ex. Says he's sorry, but just says it.
Does nothing to prove it. He tells me to go and visit him
so I go along with it, because I would like to see him and maybe
have some closure over this too.

But he's working see, so I ask him
"What will I do all day and through dinner while you work?"
and he tells me to stay in and watch TV
I can do that at home thanks very much.

And this is where lack of consideration, imagination, creative thought,
personal touch or true desire to make up or impress me escapes him.

I would have thought it was simple, anyone who knows me
knows I adore good food and being pampered, so why not
set up a spa visit and perhaps buy me a nice dinner, even
if I have to eat it on my own? If I am pampered and happy
doesn't that ultimately benefit you too?

He tells me he doesn't try because there is no chance
Well you never know till you fucking try!
I see him as a giver-upper who doesn't want me enough
and that, coupled with how much he already took me for granted
......well I'm speechless.

When you've damaged something fragile, you cant point back in history
and say, "this is what I did for you then"
well honey, you've changed since then
You need to show some effort in fixing it
A girl needs to know she's needed, wanted, loved, how much does
THAT need to be said.

Surprise her somewhere, take her on a day-trip, jump up in front of her
somewhere and tell her you can't bear another day without her,
do something unexpected, send her flowers ,go out of your way to do something
different, show extra EFFORT,or give her something special, or write something
and especially when other guys are vying for her, you need to show her
why you or ..... fuck it. Maybe I just don't speak Martian.

Otherwise she thinks you're just ready for fresh meat,
which is probably true, except you can't stand the thought
of another man getting the love that you once got.

Its like you need to spell it out to them, in black and white
or picture books, or exercise blocks or simply worded manual

Christ almighty even my grand uncle who told me he that
if he was younger he would marry me (all this at his wife's funeral)
well, even he wanted me more.

You guys are one sorry example of love, all you know is how to take
so you take and take, and the girl gives you so much, (I know without
a doubt that I gave my ex so much, and it was unique and it was true from
the depths of my soul, love)
but when it comes to your turn to reciprocate, your approach
is just boring and predictable.

And a couple of months down the line, you'll kick yourself and say
why didn't I try harder?
I know, why do you think M still calls till this day?

But by then, some other guy will have swept her off her feet.

Fuck It

2008-02-12T17:03:00.000+08:00

I am just so goddamn pissed off and stressed and angry
and I really dont know what to fucking do with myself
I felt like just fucking ramming the car into a tree.

This is supposed to be my week off before I start work
my week to be happy, to be free, to relax, but I didn't go on a holiday
because I wanted to save money
but here I still end up spending over a thousand fucking
bucks in 2 days, buying clothes for work, hospital check-ups

I went for one check-up, but I am too fucking afraid to go for the other
one that I'm due for because I'll just end up owing more
or having zero cash when I go to KL and I still wont get paid for
like a month.

I cant even buy my fucking tweezers or eyeliner because I am scared
I'll have no money when I start work, then what?

This shit week started last Monday. When I spent over 200 ringgit
on a fucking taxi for a pointless ride to heartbreak
200 bucks could buy me my next doctors appointment
or my fucking eyeliner and tweezers and if it was worth my while
I wouldnt give a shit
but it wasnt even worth my while, nothing was.

Then the electrical heater in my bathroom had to blow right?
While I was in the bloody shower, had it electrocuted me it would
have made things easier.
And now I need to fucking replace it, because it is my duty and
I will feel fucking bad, even if I am not here to use it.

All I wanted was a nice few days, of beach, breeze and bikinis
of massages, naps and books, and light booze. I can even do that here
but my friends are either working or away. And at the weekend
when they can, I'll be gone.

I can't even ask the people who owe me. And no I won't touch my little
bit of inheritance.

I'm just so upset, I'm supposed to be having a break and this is
all just pure shit and I fucking hate this.

New job, new place, I should be celebrating. But no.
The hits just keep on coming.
and then there's fucking Valentine's day right?

Right now. I wish I didn't exist.
So fuck this. I have no fucking outlet. And I am about to fucking burst.

Rockstar Ja

2008-02-11T22:47:00.000+08:00

Rockstar parking. Thats what I got this evening
and that's it, today's highlight. My superexciting life.

Bard stop bugging me I am not in a talky mood.

You know the one good/bad thing about this break-up thing?
I've lost my appetite. I don't give a shit what or whether I eat
which for people who know me, is a big, humongoid thing
because I love my food and I am waaayyy picky about it.

The only reason I actually am eating regularly is because I eat
with family. In fact today I even cooked, if only to keep my mind busy
twas a simple whip-up that took barely 20 minutes.

I notice this trend, I start the day a wreck, I lay in bed, go through
old pictures, videos, anything and I cry and cry and cry
then people start calling, I slowly pull myself together
and then I go out and try and be normal, no, please don't talk
to me about it face to face, because I can't and I will cry, like I did today,
in Dome, so Britney.

People call, msg, text and say they are so sorry to hear its over, as though
someone died. Maybe because everyone knows how much I put into it.

Mom actually tries to talk to me, but I won't, or I cry, so she texts me
tells me how much she worries about how I am taking things.

But I am ok right? You don't see me jumping of buildings or anything.

I just hurt. As anyone would when something they have invested so much
in collapses, over extremely stupid reasons. or maybe it was the straw that
broke the camel's back, but I remember him leaving me at the airport the
last time we saw each other and us being happy.

Behold the month of broken-hearted posts. I hope you're ready for it.

Laryngitis, Begone!

2008-02-11T00:12:00.000+08:00

When o' when will my voice come back?
Sighhh...

I am doing the superbly depressing thing of sorting through
old pictures for discarding.

In the 15 or less months that we were actually physically together
I must have taken over a thousand shots of him
close-ups, him sleeping, him smiling, him sulking,
him acting stupid, him looking happy
him cross-eyed...you get the picture, just him.

He has probably zero photos of me, just an empty frame,
and then that was probably a sign I should have read into.

But I am stupid right?

RIP you two.

I Choose to Swim

2008-02-10T23:13:00.000+08:00

Ooooh gorgeous day.
Except some people are geniuses who will take their SLR
with them all the way up to Batu, planning to be snap-happy
without checking battery levels before....

I chose to be nice and spend it with my ex's parents.
Except it made me miss him and hurt and so I rushed
to get on the internet and wrote him a 2 page email
some rambling, some tips on survival in Malaysia, some advice
on life and he said............
'thanks'
probably glanced through and deleted, if even.

Why do I bother? Any effort that I put in is futile.

But as I am beginning to learn, there always seems to be
something that will happen to lift my spirits
like this funny Facebook message that I got
from someone I met once, who's obviously made some effort to get
my number but never called, perhaps respectful of my relationship,
perhaps just a friend thing..who's reading into it?

But today he left a message reciting my number and telling me he dreamt
about this weird sequence and it was confounding
and he was feeling like an extra on LOST, so do I know what it means?
maybe it was even an invitation for me to say its ok to call
another 'chin-up' almost.

When I am awake I get this image of my bloodied heart hacked to pieces
on a wooden chopping block
no prizes guessing who Mr. Knife-wielder is
so I am probably not in any shape for any guys to call.

When I sleep though, I don't dream thank god
Except for the other night when I dreamt I was attacked
by a huge black python with a crimson belly and I didn't remember the
dream until I was sitting on a stool set on laterite
in the kampung by the orchard and feeling particularly
happy and rustic surrounded by greenery..then all these python
flashbacks came..damn psycho right?

Another image I get is my hand on his chest, but its not
so much an image but an I can almost feel it kind of thing
chest hair, beating heart...oh wait..there's no heart, there's
only stone..so maybe just my imagination.

RIP

2008-02-09T20:51:00.000+08:00

Today marks two weeks since nana left us
we all miss her, we all deal with our grief, guilt
and misgivings separately.

But I know that out there somewhere nana is happily
reunited with grandpa, she's happy.

Black

2008-02-09T11:10:00.000+08:00

Its one of those days..it hasn't even begun, and I can't get out
of bed I can only curl up and cry.

I see the big and small changes within him, from calling the aunts
to say he arrived safely home, to knowing what a mimosa is

but I see the bad changes simmering on the surface
he struggles to become a man, his character is shape-shifting
blurring the line between good and bad,

what to prioritise?love, family, work? yourself?
what choices to make at this juncture, make a clean cut,
or leave someone hanging
whose feelings to be responsible, considerate of, and whose not?

to make completely certain you are correct or leave others
room to judge, suspect?
this molding of a man, shapes a personality, the character of
someone who will later be a husband, a father, a son, a boss
and regardless of me, I hope to god he finds his way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember how when I asked you what a samosa was, you
described a mimosa
You always used to sing to me, Swing Life Away, Vermillion and Run were my favourites
I remember you telling me it was snowing, us running out

I remember meeting you by Starbucks at the airport
after seven months
the smell of your ears
I remember you leaving me later at Heathrow, how I cried
all the way back and missed my train to Wales

I remember the way we used to call each other, just as the other was about to do the same
I remember waking you up every morning at 5 for work
I remember Babypie, Sugarplum, Angel and Adam
You used to wake up whenever I woke up,
walk me to the loo at night

I remember us in the rickshaw, you singing Bobby Darin
or walking under the trees at the Andaman "which way?"
when we reached the fork
Running about going 'woodka' in our russian accents
I remember when you first started flirting with me through text

I remember "Goodbye My Lover" at the back of the Bangkok cab
I remember chasing pigeons, the flower of death
I remember the first time I told you 'I love you'

I always climbed on top of you, trying to touch as much of you as possible
trying to make you feel as much of me, my love, as possible
I always worried about you, your health, whether you had eaten
whether you were happy

I remember making you that birthday card
I remember the day we spent all day playing scrabble and eating pizza
in henry
I remember me spitting three times because I was so happy

I tried to kiss every part of your face, count every mole
I always needed to hold your hand or touch some part
of you before I fell asleep
I remember how the last two times I woke up with you
you woke up smiling
And now when I look over, you're gone.

Set Aside

2008-02-09T10:00:00.000+08:00

Its funny how I wake up and its instant
I am thinking about the last 6 days,
how I woke up just so excited that I was going to see him
and how he didn't even care as he yanked it from under me.

That's just cruel isn't it?When you take advantage
of someone's love for you, toy with it.

Six days ago, I woke up with this lightness in my heart
then after I repeatedly text and called(and he ignored)
he finally told me he was angry with me for not texting him
while I was out, and that he didn't want to speak to me
then he never called or text me again.

And this is how I've been dumped.

I don't know how they do it in other countries,
but the way that was done was a coward's way out,
not even the decency to speak to me
give me even an inkling of what was to come,
to defend myself.

When you break up with someone, its never easy,
but you always need to at least have that decency to talk it out,
to say it outright, to tie up lose ends and give the person you're
breaking up with, closure.
To leave a person hanging is downright cruel.

I still find it hard to believe
that I fell in love with this person.
And yet when I analyse it, I know there is good in him
otherwise he wouldn't have done certain things, but
to do this, then there's definately bad too,
its a matter of which outweighs which

I kick myself for making him excuses, maybe this, maybe that
is there an excuse for just leaving, with hardly an explanation?

Surely the person I fell in love with was more humane
better mannered, more decent? Because I could have never
have fallen in love with someone so crude and unkind.

Or maybe it has become passable to say nothing, just stop
calling, never have to have that horrible conversation
where you tell someone "its not working for me anymore"
or "I don't love you" surely people can't behave this way
and actually live with themselves each day? Actually get to sleep at night,
or go about in the morning feeling good about themselves?

Don't we all have some built-in, inner voice that tells us
what is right or wrong to do? Or maybe its just rotten character, cowardice.
Best I found out now than in a situation where my life hung in balance.

I guess where there isn't common decency, there might be karma.

Heart So Heavy

2008-02-09T02:45:00.000+08:00

So how am I going to heal this pain when I can't even see how deep it goes?

I've been doing pretty well. considering I'm
in this environment where everyone asks me
where he is, the people who've not met but heard me go on and on, family, friends.

I keep a straight face, I come up with an answer that
eliminates further questions, maybe if I could actually say,
"Hey, I am in so much pain right now" I might deal with it easier.

But I can't.
Because saying outright only proves how wrong I was.
I think about how much I believed in him and us, I could almost
laugh at my naivety, that I gave my heart and soul
so easily,so fast to someone I barely knew.

Sometimes my mind taunts me, says
'hey, he gave up seeing you just to be angry at you'
but its more than that, he gave me up.

And because he never even had the courtesy to speak to me about it,
it will always be for the trivial reason that I didn't text him between 12 and 5 am
even if I did when I got back,
even if I was on my way to see him soonest I could,
but I guess all those things don't count when you're
already looking for a way out, then, you'll take any escape.

But I do good, I take each day at a step, I ignore the pain
steady myself, pat my heart, think 'hey, it'll be okay'.

Today I text him, "Take care of yourself," and I almost added
"because I won't be there to take care of you anymore" but I didn't
because its a loss that goes unseen, unfelt.
One that only I feel.

In Penang, every minute, a song, a place, a food even,
brings an almost choking rush of memories, and today when I was driving home
I bit my lip and let it out, these big fat tears
and I was this close from calling, leaving a message just to say
'how could you break my heart?I thought you loved me,
I thought you loved me'.

But I didn't, because you can't share pain with the person that caused it
especially with the person that caused it, especially when they are cold as stone
because they aren't worth it, not worth this pain, this taking love for granted
if only my heart would see that
I just need to get out of here, out of Penang.

Unbreakable

2008-02-04T22:48:00.001+08:00

Sunday evening was the end of the World 5's,
our entire team and some of the players headed out to Qbar for some chillin'
Some crazy-cool dancing with the team, hardly any brushes with players
'cept for the psychotic down-under one who stole my shoes. Mentalist fuck.

I had 2 and a half glasses of red, a Mulata and a damn good milo ice
later down the road, ended up in bed 5-ish.

Felt very excited in bed that I was going back to the Bee next day,
so text him to say "I love you, I miss you and I can't wait to be with you".

At 9, I am up, and I text to ask if the Bee was feeling any better cos
he had to go for a bloodtest, following some dengue and
hand,foot and mouth symptoms. No answer.

I pack, rush out. I've compressed everything, my lunch meeting
with trace my afternoon meeting to sign my new appointment letter,
I've blown off people,neglected to call others, just so I can catch this cab
and get back to him soonest.

And throughout my lunch, throughout the signing, the new office tour,
meeting the colleagues,
I worry about the Bee, whether he is ok.

Only at noon, when I threaten to call the management to look in on him,
he called to say he is ok, still at the clinic.
That's all. Cold as stone.

I text to ask what's wrong, I call and call and call, to no avail.
At 3-ish, I text his manager, I call his office,
I call all the people that I know might see him.

He might have fell even more ill suddenly,
or gotten into a car accident..something..
I am frantic.

He texts to say "I'm fine". I call him, asks him what his problem is,
he says he doesn't want to talk to me because I was out til 5,
because I did not text him throughout the night.
"But you went to sleep!"
"NO, if it were me, you would have said the same thing."

And I am stumped because I got into bed thinking of him,
texting him to say I could not wait to be with him,
I woke up thinking I was that much closer and all day
I had been waiting to share my good news with him
my excitement at my new job, all day I've waited to be with him
....and this.

By then I am in the taxi already, paying RM220,
(more than a plane ticket back to PG)
to go somewhere I am not wanted.

I think of how during the World 5's I told every guy that text me
that I was spoken for and loyal, that it would not change.

And in my heart this pain builds, it is spasmic, heart crushing,
can't breathe kind of pain..
that I am so fucking stupid when it comes to love, because I never fucking learn do I?

I cannot believe how much I worried, how much I wanted
to get to him, how I put everything aside for him,
how I called everyone to see if he was ok.

And he knew I was worried, how does anyone take someone's care and worry
for them for granted like that?
I cannot believe that he so easily turns, so easily hurts me,
so easily poisoned this pure feeling, this eagerness I had this morning,
just because I thought I would see him.

How does anyone turn like that, or maybe he was always this selfish
and I was always blind.

It blows my mind how someone can not think twice about turning
a good feeling into something horrible, and whats more,
he 's definately not feeling what I feel, because
if he did he would endeavor to make it better.

I tell him "Some day when there is no one to worry about you being sick,
to text you and tell you they can't wait to be with you or
ask you how you're feeling, you might learn how
not to take these things for granted."
No reply.

I tell him to leave my car keys at Lumut, I will pick up my car, drive home from there.
When I get there at 630 my mascara has run from my crying.
The taxi driver averts his eyes when I pay.

At 645, I am in my car, driving fast as I can away from him. And I hurt so bad,
from my own stupidity, from entrusting my heart and soul to someone who so badly
misconstrues me, who does not cherish me.

I once thought that when he and I met, fell in love,
I could feel our hearts collide and silvery strings spider around,
binding our hearts together, tightly, almost fused.
Now I can practically hear the tiny pinging of those threads as the snap.

God, when does this stop. I don't want to play this game,
I don't want to believe in love or deal with it anymore.
Love in a relationship always starts off so wonderful
and in the end what do you have but me trying to hold the pieces of my heart together?

Always. I will stop believing.

I am loved by my family, by my friends, pure untarnished love,
protective love, love that does not hurt me,
love that is not malicious, I will live with that.

Me Runch

2007-12-04T15:05:00.000+08:00

Eating alone doesn't mean it can't be pretty
so today I slithered out of bed at 11
did houuse-girlfriendy things like dust and wash the dishes
then rustled up some lunch
and so, this:
Steamed japanese rice, sauteed zuchinni with garlic and mushrooms
crabsalad with mayo.

Yarmee.
Not a conventional creation I know, but I've been hankering
for this combo for a few days.
No, I am not pregnant.

I think.
Hope.
Pray.
Vow!
Please.
No.

Hey, Hey, Hey!

2007-12-04T13:38:00.000+08:00

Lookit! I found a draft I wrote like some 3 weeks ago!

Glasgow Kiss

The title is so not apt but at the moment my head is throbbing
in such a way that it does feel like I've been given one
though my nose is not broken, nor bleeding
there is a pounding, searing heat running down from my
forehead to the bridge of my nose.

I am sitting at Delicious, 1U, outside, even though it is hot
and I don't smoke
there seems to be more privacy, more opportunity to people watch
through the glass walls

That Indian girl for instance, wolfing down her spaghetti Carbonara
like there's no tomorrow, table-manners, my friend!
Coffee, water..not helping. Duck curry, so-so. Service, smiley
but the staff seem to come from a different country with limited
understanding in the language we call English.

I've been here 3 days, half-hearted about interviews because this
island-girl simply cannot face living in this smog-filled, car-jammed
scorching hell-pit (me, drama?NO!)

Every night the girls and I have eaten well, quaffed a bottle of reisling
and basically indulged in emo lamentations about the opposite sex
(that or bimboistic statements that have us all cracking up like hyenas)

This is what I needed, see.

Escape, solace.

It always starts with the Bee, because when things are fine with the Bee,
life is perfection, no matter if the sun is shining, if I am having a fat day,
if jealous cows are spreading vicious rumours about me, The Bee makes it all
seem like nothing.

Oh but when things are bad...lemme tell you.
They are godawful why-the-hell-do-we-bother-just-
throw-me-in-the-lion-pit kinda awful.

So, I had resigned, and gone back to Penang for a week,
then I go off to see the Bee and the first day I am there, he forgets me
forgets I am there,he forgets that I am there solely to see him
I am no longer working, and cant use the facilities so I am like a boxed up
pet in our(his) jungle room.

"Call me for lunch when you go to the canteen" I say,
because he's working and I understand that the only time I get to see him is at his breaks,and that way I wont have to eat alone.
"Definately" is the confident reply.

Later " Where are you?"
"Oh I am at the canteen, sorry, I forgot"

He calls back, apologises, I let it go.
(much later I found out he was talking to a pretty female
receptionist type, during lunch too! though he claims it was about me.)

Later that evening, I call again, I have been walking around the room in circles
out of my mind with boredom.
He's at the canteen, again, having 'tea'.

Maybe I am a psycho-bitch-girlfriend-from-hell who has no right to be upset
that I don't even cross the mind of this man-boy who hasn't seen me for a week, or maybe I am just normal.

So when Blue called to say he wanted to go to Penang,
I decided why not go back?
and driving back it dawned on me that this was the first time I had
willingly chosen to do something else over spending time with the Bee.

Milestone.

So I asked for a break, to sort myself out, get my head around things.
And the

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that is where my draft stopped. Because my girlfriend came
sauntering into Delicious.

"Ja, why can't you just be a good,understanding stay-at-home girlfriend?"
said Zach, half-joking to me when I rained my problems down on him.

As you can tell, all is fine with the Bee and I now,
I have just gotten used to the fact that I cannot go crazy
just because he is working and I am stuck at home
and he..well he's been very good at not forgetting me.

Food P***star

2007-12-03T19:02:00.000+08:00

Oooh another half-written draft to share with you!

Written 3 weeks ago, also in KL.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Wah you all, blog also kena, don't blog also kena.

Chun text me today and accused me of ruining her diet.
Kev said something about making him go eat when he didn't need too.
Leyna said something too, and I told her not to make me send her
a picture of Char Kway Teow.

I am at Friendster in KL at the mo, leaving the leisurely
tai-tai like life..but not so tai cos I haven't got paid yet.

So there are all these people around me looking serious on their laptops
in (post)office-wear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finit!

No Adobe

2007-12-03T16:32:00.001+08:00

If I had Photoshop I would blog more pics.
But no Photoshop, no pics.
Only cos I want to type on them, but tak jadi lor.
You're soooo missing out. I have Penang Hill trip,
Tg. Jara trip, this trip, that trip...

No one, no one, no wahhh-aaaaaaaaa-hone!

You think its so fun being here, but hello, my privileges
stripped remember?No beach, no pool, no bikini bouncing.

So apparently Beng says I am master at being traitorous and leaving
my country for greener shores...where got?I just want to experience
different cultures what! Its good okay? Good for general knowledge
people skills, self confidence, survival skills, all that good stuff.

So go! I would.

*pout*

What is with Alicia these days? She seems to strain a lot at her performances
big hair, weird outfits and man!the lady got booty!

George Benson & Siti (and me, of course!)

2007-12-03T16:29:00.000+08:00

Yeah! Stardom brushes me.

My Feets

2007-12-03T16:26:00.000+08:00

It escapes me, my love for this picture.

Today

2007-12-03T15:59:00.000+08:00

Today, I feel bored.
Bored because I have nothing to do, except be a good house-girlfriend
yesterday the Bee told me off he actually told me off for not taking the laundry in!
can you belief it?The cheek.

Just because he gives me his tips.
(please get lots of tips today)

So I woke up today, did laundry, sent laundry and took laundry in.
Productivity at is peak man!
And now, now I have nothing to do except wait 5 hours til 9pm
when The Amazing Race Asia is on.
I never got into it before but caught it by fluke last week and
I think its an amazing 1 hour where I get to compare what 'we' would
do if it were the Bee and I, (oh! we would be so much better)
and I get to criticise other girls and fun bitchy stuff like that.

But I really want to join next season, you hear me? REALLY WANT TO JOIN.
for the fun. What do they win anyway?

After that House MD is on, am I going to have a super orgasmic night or what?
If the Bee were actually going to be around tonight
rather than entertaining a group of french travel agents (FEMALE!)
I would barbecue that duck thats been marinating.

(Ok so now you think he's a male host(ess) or something
first tips, then entertaining)

But no,(continued from marinating duck)
it will be a solitary meal of seared scallops and blue cheese bavette.
Oh...must I really wait til then? Sounds so good.

End of pointless post.

Because I Promised

2007-12-03T15:35:00.000+08:00

Yeah I did. From the bottom of my soles.
Today I promised my ONE blog fan, who checks my blog for updates everyday
and swears a puppy dies each day I don't update
(I shouldn't have laughed at that) so here I am....updating........

What have I been doing besides the freelance work
the occasional work-for-experience-not-money Pangkor Laut jobs
What have I been doing? What indeed?

Well, every occasion I have on the mainland, (yes I am such
a little island-hopper are'nt I?) I buy meat and
we have a barbie on the balcony of our jungle shack, does that count as something?
That's when we flop on the bed, and sink our teeth into juicy lamb-meat
(ahhemmm..I know that's bad english)
and the Bee will devour..devour in silence

And I, I will shake my head in sheer disbelief that I managed to
cook such a great meal when we have a bare semblance of a kitchen
"Mmmmmm..." I will say out loud, speak the Bee's lines for him
" This is sooo good!, how did you do this babe? we don't even have a kitchen!
You're amazing, thank you!" and then for a whole five minutes we will eat in
silence, then the Bee will grunt "Hmmph, yeah babe," he will agree with 'me being him'
this is great!"

I have actively decided to remain permanently unemployed til after the
'festive season' though depending on the festivities in countries and continents that one
follows, the 'festive season' could last forever.

~~~~~~~~~~

So 2 weeks ago, we're driving in Penang, up to Spice Garden cos I miss it
'twas a beautiful, breezy, sunny, shiny Penang day, the kind that makes
you say "thanks lord, for borning me on this island" when what should happen
to make the day go from good to stupendous(!), but a Spice Girls medley come
on on the radio as we weaved our way down the narrow, bendy,
au bord de la mer road.

Boy, did I really get into that, singing and jiggling my way through
the over-ten-minute musical throwback to the 90s and girl-dom(long gone for me),
WOW, even when we got there I made us stay in the car okay?

Then it was over.
I straightened up, smoothed my hair, my clothing, fanned my flushed cheeks.

The Spice Girls!
Then I turned to the Bee
"Don't tell anyone I got so into that okay?"

Tribute

2007-10-31T18:53:00.000+08:00

So you haven't heard from me in ages, but you'll now hear from me more often,
last week I resigned from my job so, current status: job-hunting!

I am doing free-lance stuff of course, gotta eat, so drop me a message..
But here is a tribute to my last job, cos I never had the chance to mention much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had been working flat-out for two weeks,
and who should be on duty the first day off that we get?
Me, of course.

The yacht is like a baby, she can never be left alone, ever;
therefore we have watching duties.

In the past two weeks I have met some powerful people,
musical legend George Benson, son of the current prime minister,
various family members of the owners of our yacht.

I have stir-fried, steamed, baked, grilled.
Gyoza, vanilla custard cream filled choux puffs, lemon curd tartlets,
beef left stewing in the oven while I caught some much needed shut-eye.

Fettucine carbonara, creamy vegetable soup, hokkien noodles,
devil curry, smoked salmon and egg mayo sandwiches,
roast chicken with root vegetables, nyonya seafood curry.

Exhausted.Doesn't even begin to describe it.
But it has been good, fulfilling.

And today I woke up to the Bee kissing me before he left for work,
I curled my body into a crescent around his hips as he sat on the bed to pull up his socks.
He lifted my face to kiss him. “Again”. Then , “One more” he said.
Then he left and I languished in bed for 10 whole minutes more
then got dressed to take the ferry to my own work.

I arrive at 10am and the day is not scorching as previous ones have been,
Cloudy. The person on yesterday’s watch leaves as soon as I come in,
I have the boat to myself, clean out my cabin, the kitchen,
have Channel V and MTV on to wiggle and sing to.

In my mind I plan my solitary lunch, the first one in many moons,
where I can cook for just me, to my whim alone.

I have a bulb of fennel that I picked up
when we sailed to Port Klang a week or so ago, I slice it thinly,
put it in a bowl of cold water with lemon juice, to crisp up;
I save the feathery fronds.

I chop some onion and soften it in a slick of olive oil and butter
from the refrigerator I take some parmigiano,some portobello mushrooms
that will go off if I don’t cook them;
garlic, basil, butter, a hunk of mature cheddar;

A half full bottle of sauvignon blanc, streaky rashers of bacon,
shelled prawns, squid, a plastic container of prawn stock that I made
from prawn shells 3 days ago.

Into the onions I add a cupful of arborio rice, stir to coat with
an even glaze of buttery oil, It starts to pop; in goes 2 ladlefuls of hot stock
I think of how every risotto recipe tells you to keep stirring,
for 20 minutes and how tiresome it is,
so I don’t keep stirring, I just make sure the rice is level, equally moistened,
every now and again I give it a swill, add the stock when it starts to dry.
I do not do this non-stop stirring thing.

On the other hand I am chopping bacon, tearing basil, scattering them over the portobellos.
Some sea salt sprinkled over, a grinding of black pepper, butter, a drizzle of olive oil

Some chopped garlic, then some grated cheddar, lastly, some breadcrumbs, for that slight crunch.

I pop them in the oven.

When the rice is almost al dente, I zest half a lemon,
except I don’t have a zester so I peel of the skin as thinly as I can with a vegetable peeler then chop it up with my cleaver.

Throw it in to the pot with its juice. A pat more of butter,
shavings of parmigiano, the prawns.
I take it of the heat, then add the squid and fennel fronds,
so the residual heat cooks the squid perfect, tender.
I taste and season with pepper.

The lemon somehow lifts the entire dish, bringing out the flavours.
I get the sliced fennel out of the fridge, drain it.
In a pan I put some chopped bacon, dry fry till browned.
This I scatter over the fennel. I bash four walnuts, scatter scatter.
Drizzle of olive oil, then walnut oil. The top With fleur de sel.
Crack some pepper, et voila!

I sit down with a chilled glass of sauvignon blanc, and have one of the best meals ever.

I watch TV then, read some. Food porn, Nigella, Jamie at home.
TV and books in front of me, all on food.
I get hungry for dessert.

Four strawberries, sliced roughly, drizzle of balsamic, pinch of sugar.
'Macerating' in cook talk.
Swirl in bowl. I slice a leftover banana-choc muffin, then toast it.
I put the slices on a small plate, top with the strawberries.

In the freezer I find a tub of vanilla ice-cream that was meant to be
a custard cream filling for pastry that I made then froze when I didnt use it
I put a scoop on my strawberries, then I put on another scoop,
Baskin Robbins butter pecan, I top this whole confection with some fresh mint.

At 2.30 pm I am thinking of dinner. Should I make my favourite lamb cous cous?
Or should I grill the salmon and have it with steamed potatoes and pea puree?
I make myself coffee.

At 3.30 I bake some frozen calamari rings in the oven.
I have a deep aversion to deep frying so whatever I can oven-bake, I do,
even ‘fried’ chicken.

The rain begins to lash down upon the boat. The sea begins to churn.
I stay in the galley, Astro is out, so a DVD instead.
The security cameras give me 6 angles of the boat,
but every now and again I get up to check for leakages.

I have decided on lamb for dinner.

I follow that with a waffle topped with
maple syrup, butter pecan ice-cream,banana, more walnuts.

The salmon on my next watch, on Monday.
Watch lasts for 24 hours. If it went any longer I’d be the size of a house.

Mind The ___

2007-10-31T18:31:00.000+08:00

Anyone who's been reading this blog knows that I really like John Mayer
And I am not the type of person who gets fanatic over celebrities
but if anyone that comes close..it's John.

So I am walking in Queensbay with the Bee (we minus-ed the X a long time ago)
and what should I see, but this:

I very nearly swoon and after much heart palpitating action
I rush over to the Bee and some how stumble over the sentence
"Babe, OMG babe!" a couple of times before I am dragging him
through the store (causing everyone around us to stare in interest)
The Bee thinks I have found another "perfect outfit"
until we come to a halt in front of John.

"Ohhhhhh" I sigh, almost orgasmic, The Bee rolls his eyes
"I wonder if its for sale?" I whisper, in awe of his hot-talented-tatt-ness
Bee is not amused and resumes his clothes shopping
I get my aunt, she laughs at me
"Ask them lah, if its for sale" she says only egging me on

So I approach this salesgirl who's been watching me all along
"Is he for sale?" I ask timid, almost hopeful
"Yes!" she says
"OMG, HOW MUCH?"
"Sorry lah Miss, I am just joking".

-_-

Suddenly all these Malaysian salesgirls have a sense of humour.

Wow

2007-10-19T18:46:00.000+08:00

Has it been a long time or what?
well luck for you I am sick and my housemate installed wi-fi.
But as I said, I am sick.
So, nite-nite.

Funny I was speaking to Bardy online just now and he said
he always wonders which of my personalities is going to blog..
Could I be more of a woman?

2007-10-19T18:44:00.000+08:00

Sunday Mornings

2007-08-19T09:56:00.000+08:00

I am checking my mail by the Bee (X) (Who knows the status anymore?)
when he walks by, sticks his head out of the door just as it closes
and says " You better blog something good!"
So, here it is.

The past few days have been calm, maybe even nice.
I still feel like the damage done in the previous weeks is irreparable
but he seems to say 'I love you' more
seems to be making an effort to spend time with me
even got 'me' (actually him) Astro

So I try and banish those niggling thoughts.
I try not to think them aloud.

Was that ever a cure to a problem?Pretending it wasn't there?
I go to breakfast now, with the (x)Bee of course.

Afloat

2007-08-16T19:11:00.001+08:00

To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am at.
We float, listless, with no positive plans
One minute we are together, the next we are at each other's throats

But for now, we seem to have reached a plateau.

He told me a week ago that he wanted to go slow, capture
what we once had, the anticipation, the excitement
but that was all, mere words..
as if expecting it to appear out of thin air, without effort.

Sometimes I feel like when I am not his, he wants me,
pines for me, pays attention, notices me when others notice me.
But when I am here, in front of him,his, it is asthough I barely register
on the radar, a text, a call,
any gesture that says ''I am thinking of you"
is too much.

These days I look at him and I wonder, "who are you?"
who is this guy who barely notices me, who sails along
oblivious, who thinks i am fine, but rarely asks if I am?

In the middle of the night I lie awake, listen to him breathe
watch his sleeping face, and wonder where this guy is
in the day? the one who loves me, where does he go in the day?

I wonder when he advises his bestfriend on her relationship,
whether it ever registers that she is going to another guy
to help her in her relationship, for attention,

when her partner isn't listening
to her needs.

and how he would feel if I did that.

Sometimes I wonder if its possible to be so lonely.

I am beyond putting my heart out there, speaking
my feelings, if they are not acknowledged then
soothing words will be spoken..but no physical lasting steps
to mend.

So I live like this, day-to-day, wondering when the axe will fall.

Yet I know that people his age, in his situation, never appreciate
what they have, they take the world for granted,
they always think they can leave something and that it will be
there when they get back.

It is only when you're older that you learn good things don't come
around easy, that you must work at it, cherish.

But I've been there, done that. I know that people can never tell you,
that you do it, and you find out on your own.

I hate that when I am feeling lonely and I think about whether there's
one person out there, who thinks of me, everyday, its not him that comes
to mind.

I hate that when we go out and I watch us as though from a far
it is me that's clinging to him, and him that lets go.

I hate that where "I love you more" used to be a competition
it is now a blunt answer, tattoed across my heart
Hate that I know how little it takes for this to snap

Yet part of me fights to do what will cause it to end completely
what will help me sever my ties, and still the other part of me
hangs on, skin of my teeth.

I hate that I know how this will go.
I hate that you can never never force someone

to love you the way you do them,

that you can only sit, wait
and watch it turn sour.

People need to know that they are loved everyday.
So if you love someone, show them, tell them, appreciate them.

It takes 2 seconds to peck someone on the cheek,
text them, flick a gaze, and its meaning is tenfold,
tomorrow it could all fall apart.

Rituals

2007-08-03T17:50:00.000+08:00

A cup o tea in th UK and a cup o tea here sure don't taste the same.

Someone said this to me today
"So are you still hoping to impregnated by a passing seaman?"
not funny meh? I thought it was.

The XB also said something funny this morning but it didn't stick.
So let it be recorded that something funny was said, just that I dont
remember what.

I also received a perfect frangipani this morning,
it made my day kinda, received from myself that is.

Dolis, my fav chef ever also made me my favorite chicken mushroom
thingee because I am sick

The doctor prescribed antibiotics because I said I have to work tomorrow
and the XB brought me lemon cheesecake.

I think I haven't was my hair in 3 days.

Anyway I shall randomly spew.

I was talking to Frou lastnight "But why?" she asked
"You looked so happy during the weekend wor!"

Then I told her. Then she said "Oh my god babe!OMG"
"OMG..how......?" then "..totally justified"
and I know she and anyone would get me

Nevertheless, its titbollockingly hard to untangle oneself
from a web like this and we want to be there for each other
help each other through this
yet how do we step out of the rituals that we created with each other
how do we create a whole set of new, less intimate ones?

Its like you want it to be over but you dont?
character flaws she said (random)

Search me man. Search me.
Over and out.

Options (Or Down with Love)

2007-08-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in the boat today
sniffling, headachy, feverish
remnants of the Bee, the Flu he passed me

Beside me sat this little girl, 6 maybe
lolling about her mother
I actually thought of laying my head in
her lap, while she laid her's in her mother's lap.

I want kids, I want the whole she-bang
In fact if a good-looking, successful, responsible man
(already I ask too much)
asked me to get married and have babies now,
offering a lifetime of support, protection, dependability
regardless of love,I would probably think about it
which is bad enough.

But I am willing to bet that I am not the only one who's considering
that alley.

Examine the arranged marriage.. a lot of them work no?
And these days, who has the time anymore?
Or the strength to go through the whole getting-to-know,
dating, establishing a relationship, planning a future thing?
Why can't it just be there?

I know love takes work, but what if one removes it from the equation
add it on at the end, later?
Surely there are other people out there.
people who don't want to play this stupid game
who just want to put it out there, wants, needs, point-blank
no need to reply if you don't meet requirements.

A friend I know sent me a website a few days ago, ironic.

You'll excuse me of course.
PMS, sick, just broke-up and all that jazz.

Nag Him Into Submission You Say?

2007-08-01T18:38:00.000+08:00

Thou shalt not insult my readers dear Bard.

The real title of this post is Points of Certainty

Last night I lay in bed watching a movie alone.
And in it, a few lines stood out.
Someone said
“There are moments that you just have to
grasp and hang on to,
and there are moments when
you just have to let go”.

Another line was “whoever heard of anyone dying of a broken heart?”

One of my dearest friends has been telling me
for years that she and her boyfriend have
no future and she talks of wanting to let go,
yet she is never able, and I’ve always told her
“when the time comes, when you are ready, you will know”.

Points of certainty.
I think of the relationship I had with him now
and I am certain that there is no more to it.

I can close my eyes and take myself to the moment
when the last threads that bound us together snapped,
The smell of the car, the words spat out,
the rush of traffic, the stinging in my heart and eyes.

When my spinning world suddenly stopped and things fell still.
And that was when I became certain.

There is a moment where you are pushed to a point
where you can be pushed no longer, hurt no longer
and I suspect both of us have gotten there sometime
or another.

Its hard to explain, you know this feeling?
When your vision clears, when your questions are answered,
When you no longer wonder if you are making a mistake,
if you could have given more, or tried harder.
You know that everything that could have been done has been,
and that you will have no regrets.

You know, know that this is the full stop.

Telling you the full details would be plain rude and disloyal
so I won’t, suffice to say, enough happened
during our weekend away together.

If anything our differences in personality became glaring,
to the point where I was shaking my head
unable to fathom the way things were done and said.

I remember the last time I felt like this,
the morning I woke up and dragged my ex into bed,
6 am, found certain things that I didn’t agree with,
and packed a barely full bag and left before dawn broke.

All my possessions that I had shared, my clothes, books,
the house that had become mine, I left.

I had left him about a hundred times, but I knew that morning that that was it.
Of course then there was also a catalyst in the form of a
6’2”, golden haired, green-eyed adonis
And this time there is none, but doesn’t that increase the intensity of it?

Points of certainty.
I was walking just now, and I thought of how amazing
it is to go from loving someone so much,
from them being your entire world,
to plain numbness, to letting go completely.

And I remember the last time I was so certain about something,
it was a year ago when I started fighting to be with him,
and I had never wanted anything more in my life
but I guess you can fight tooth and nail and still the universe has other plans.

The only thing I wonder now is how I could have been so sure, so blind,
that I didn’t see, that I didn’t spare myself
and him, and all around us from this.

So that tells me something eh, about points of certainty, that you can dither,
be confused but eventually you will reach them, and even when you do,
the points are never fast, never permanent.